Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I'm at a dilemma here. I want to go into a little more detail about our meals and such other mundane aspects of our new daily routine and life. But I also had a pretty bad night Tuesday night, and I feel the need to get it out, yet I would feel sort of silly just musing over my boring life while my emotions rage within me. But, I guess, since all these subjects are important aspects of my life, then why wouldn't I reflect on one and not another. Maybe they just feel conflicting to me, like how can I talk about the everyday stuff when so much more is really going on? But, since that is my life, then how could I not discuss them all at the same time, regardless of the absurdity of it all. After all this is how I live everyday, the mundane and the dramatic intertwining without discretion. So that is how I must describe it here, without discretion.

First things first, we ended up having Cheesy Enchilada Chicken Helper with tortillas and some other side items like sliced tomatoes and cheese, Monday night. (Bub is a serious cheese addict) I tried to substitute healthier ingredients where ever I could, but there's really not a whole lot you can do with something like this. I guess it could have been worse. I took a very small portion (1/2 c. ?) and a mammoth salad, then proceeded to pick at the rest of the dish, digging out little chunks of chicken just because it was there. I hate it when I do that, but stuff like this is really difficult for me. Plus, I think I was unsatisfied due to the smallish portion. I'm accustomed to much more filling meals because I can eat so much more of the foods I usually make for myself. Oh well, that's life. I'm just gonna have to make my healthier eating habits fit back into it again since what I've been doing is pretty unrealistic if we're gonna have some sort of regular routine here.

To answer Sandi's question, yes, Helper's, tacos, burgers, lotsa pasta dishes, are all pretty typical fare around here, with a few of my signature dishes thrown in for good measure. Like Tuesday, I made my Chicken Picatta, which has been a long time family favorite. This consists of chicken tenderloins, thinly coated in egg whites, and (FF) Ritz crackers crumbs, then browned in oil (I use that new Enova stuff). Then covered in a sauce made of 2/1 parts lemon juice and sugar, (well, 2 parts Splenda & 1 part sugar) and some garlic powder, which is cooked down to more of a syrupy consistency. This dish is always served with Chicken Rice A Roni, and yet more sliced tomatoes and cheese (see a pattern here?). And I also made some corn for Em, 'cause she loves it so. What I do with this dish, is skip the Rice A Roni and the cheese, and I make a big, honkin salad, topped with 1 or 2 pieces of the deliciously sweet and tart chicken, all cut up. This is absolutely one of my favorite salads, so I always make sure to cook extra chicken so I can feast on it all week long, YUM!

So, I guess it really is just all about moderation. Even though I would choose different foods if I only had myself to consider, I can still eat regular family dinners while remaining OP. It just takes a little work and lotsa portion control. And perhaps a little sneakiness when substituting healthier ingredients into the old favorites. After all, if I want to remain successful, I have to work to make my diet fit my life, not work to make my life fit into my diet, it just doesn't work that way, and it's not much fun either!

Now, on to the unpleasantness. I actually had to get all this down on paper because I didn't have adequate access to the computer when I was needing to vent. In fact, writing it out helped so much that I actually considered forgoing any reflection on it here. But then I felt like that wasn't being true to myself, to just skip over my personal struggles, only to expound on last night's dinner choices. Eh-Eh, wasn't gonna happen! So, here I am, with a few notebook pages full of scrawled anger and frustration sitting before me, ready to transcribe it here, in order to set it free.

Well, I guess the enlightened mood has lifted; at least for now. I dunno, maybe he was in a bad mood, or perhaps, feeling the stress of newfound responsibilities, but regardless, absolutely everything seemed to set him off tonight (this was actually Tuesday night). You can tell, when he gets in these moods, that nothing will stop it and you never know what exactly will trigger his wrath. One thing after another was wrong. We just couldn't win with him, no matter what. Em really bore the brunt of most of it tonight. She just couldn't please him. His complaints were that she didn't talk to him correctly, didn't use what he deems acceptable tones, was unable to explain her homework concepts to him efficiently enough to justify her answers to him, was being generally too loud, rambunctious, you name it. All the while, he's pulling crap out of the hall closet, bitching about why is this in here, why is that? Why did you do this, (directed at me) why did you do that? Don't do this again, don't do that. About what? Who knows? Piddly crap and nitpicky stuff that wouldn't make a difference to a normal human being, but apparently was justification for a rampage in his small little egotistical world. All of this was taking place while I'm in the middle of making a good home cooked meal, like any good wife to a regular working man should. (cough *BULLSHIT* cough!) And I just can't give him the full attention he demands while the chicken is burning, yet he expects nothing less. So then I'm doing the same old thing again- not listening, as usual. He says he's so sick of it; it's always the same issues over and over again. Why can't I ever learn, why can't I just get it right, he asks? He says he doesn't know how to get through to me about what he expects of me as a wife and mother. He hates to repeat himself, it's one of his petpeeves, yet he always has to repeat himself with me. How can I learn, how can I hear and comprehend or understand if the circumstances are ever changing? If the rules and regulations that he imposes are static and can be implied and interpreted differently given the situation? It's almost impossible to know what will set him off one day and not another. Like his mood today (Wednesday), it's perfectly normal and upbeat, like nothing happened. But in his eyes, nothing did happen. This is normal, this is expected. After all, if we can't seem to act right, what else could we expect? How else would he handle it other than blowing a gasket and engaging us in yet another marathon lecture session? We know this, (all to well) yet we continue to mess up according to him. Hmmm, did'ja ever think that just maybe it's because we're human?! That nobody if fucking perfect, including you?!! Oh no, he's not perfect, he says. He just does things the "right" way, and thinks everyone else should too. Yeah, good luck with that one buddy! You know, it's sad, and I cringe when I think it, but sometimes I wish he would just hit me. That way I could justify ending it, and I could say "see, this is why, specifically" and everyone would understand. But how do you explain this kind of mental torment when it can so easily be rationalized and debated away? Oh no, it's nothing like that, she tends to overreact. You know how women are. This is what really happens...

Anyway, that's it. Venting over, I am through. It's amazing what writing about it does for me. It really is like setting it free. I can't believe I've been keeping all this bottled up throughout the years, just stuffing it way down deep, (usually under copious amounts of gooey, fudge brownies or cheesy, hash brown casseroles) and never allowing myself to feel the emotions that continue to dwell inside of me. So here I am, no longer allowing myself to swallow my emotions, yet seemingly unable to voice them. I do the only thing I know how, I write them, I feel them, and I release them in an effort to prevent them from continuing to consume me.


Anonymous Sandi said...

(((HUGS))) to my friend. I wish I had some wise advice that would make it all better. A magic wand would be nice (My, the things I would do with that!!). You spoke about wishing he would just hit you, so you would have a reason. Sweetie, you do have a reason. You are unhappy. Reason enough. Someday when you are ready, you will realize that you don't need to worry what other people think. You are in this world to be the best Beverly you can be...and that Beverly needs to be happy. You deserve it.

Love Ya!!!

8:10 AM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

You know bub and I have a lot in common, I'm sad to say. But with one big difference. I am aware for the most part when I start nitpicking over piddly shit and will step back from the situation, cool myself off and then apologize for my irrational behavior. I too used to be of the my way is the right way and everyone else is wrong but I am slowly learning to deal with that aspect of my personality. Around PMS time there is no rational way to deal with it so I struggle then.

We can only hope that one day he may have an anvil fall on his head and have him realize that he's being a pig.

You chicken dish sound delicious. We are of the hamburger helper family too. I go ahead and will eat the 1 c. serving and then load up on over half my plate with veggies. I haven't really been in a salad mood lately but I'm going to start trying to incorporate more into my meals.

9:25 AM  
Blogger Another Crazy Girl said...

Sandi is right. The only reason you need is for yourself and your daughter. This is 2005 and we don't have to put up with any sort of abuse. There are studies that show the mental abuse is more damaging, in the long run, than physical abuse. That's the stuff that stays with you for a long time. I don't know you other than through your words on this blog but you are obviously a beautiful, strong, brave, and driven woman who deserves better. Quit taking care of him and start taking care of yourself because... YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS. He's an adult and it's time he acts like one and if he doesn't screw him. You've come so far already and, like Sandi said (she's one smart lady) when you're ready you'll do what you need to do. Until then keep venting and we're here to listen and support you.

9:52 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

Really, based just on what you've said rather than personal interaction, it seems like he should be on meds. The erratic behavior, the neediness, a bit delusional. Lithium would probably fix him up, along with some counseling.

I know it sound overly simplistic, but I can't believe someone would be that way, KNOWING they're that way, and not want to change. I have to attribute it to some problem outside of his control.

*wait* I just remembered that my friend used to be exactly this way. Attending Landmark events ( helped her realize the impact of her actions and want to have better relationships with others. Having a religious experience would be equivalent, or any life changing event I'd bet.

Wow, really I have no advice, just Hugs, and the hope that he'll come around. Hopefully he'll realize that everyone is human, himself included, and cut the world some slack.

10:44 AM  
Anonymous Jilly said...

Well, my dear girl, I figured if I waited long enough others would say what I was feeling and I wouldn't have to once again harp on about how you deserve so much more out of life than what he "allows" you. Thus far I've tried to respect your request for support without interference, but there's only so much one who cares about you can take.

Its bad enough how that bully treats you, but his treatment of Emmy borders on child abuse and she's powerless to change anything. The only people you have to justify anything to is your child and yourself.

I'm going to support you whatever you decide, but what friend would just sit back and say "Go ahead and let him make your existence and that of your child's miserable if that's what you really think is best"? That's not friendship. I urge you to try and change your mindset of merely accepting your lot in life. Set it in motion. Start planning. It won't happen overnight (it took me a couple of years), but please, please at least consider that it CAN happen! xox

1:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, poor Emmy! I remember what it was like to walk on eggshells all the time and never be good enough. The scars run deep, and affect future relationships and self-esteem. There was a whole show on Oprah or Dr. Phil or somewhere that talked about this very thing and the emotional damage done to the wife and particularly to the children. It's hard when you've been emotionally battered to get up the courage to do something about it, but I'm betting that someday you'll find yourself saying enough is enough. Until then, I'm glad you have a way to vent.

Just curious, have you ever stood up to him and said, hey, that's bullshit and here's what I believe a husband should be like (and it ain't you!). I've always heard that bullies back down, but I don't know if it's true.

1:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I understand what Emmy is experiencing...except it was my mother being the bully. I'm 40 years old and I still have issues about it. Rather than rescue me from her, my dad divorced her and ran off.

How much more does your child have to take before you get her out of that situation? Do you want her to be 40 and one day say to you "WHY didn't you save me from him??"

3:20 PM  
Anonymous PawPrint said...

Hey, anonymous (the second one), while I understand where you're coming from (really, I do!), Beverly is truly doing the best she can with the situation. It's an incredibly tough decision to uproot your life, and there are probably a lot of other factors at play. I think Beverly needs to have a place to vent her frustrations without the fear of being harangued and judged. We can support and encourage without accusing, okay?

12:51 PM  
Anonymous Jilly said...

I'm going to give anonymous (2) the benefit of the doubt and say she didn't mean to be judgmental, but rather was putting in the strongest words possible how she feels having experienced a similar situation in her youth affected her life. Yes, the words "WHY didn't you save me from him??" are rather shocking, but they are also very honest. I'm sure Beverly wants as much honesty in her responses to her blog as she puts into her blog entries.

Beverly, I know how difficult it is for you to open up like this and that you usually guard your privacy, so I applaud you for opening up to us, as a release for you AND to see how others outside of the situation react. We want to support and help as much as possible, and that is going to include people saying brutally honest things you don't want to face, but support isn't always about soothing, comforting remarks. I'm glad you're putting it all out there instead of internalizing. Please don't stop!

2:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's Anonymous2....I definitely did not mean to sound judgemental. I was reacting to what I read out of my own experience. I know Beverly is in an extremely tough place, and feels she is doing what is best for her daughter. I just wanted to speak to her from her daughter's perspective....Beverly, you conquered your weight--you CAN do this!!

3:22 PM  

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