I'm at a dilemma here. I want to go into a little more detail about our meals and such other mundane aspects of our new daily routine and life. But I also had a pretty bad night Tuesday night, and I feel the need to get it out, yet I would feel sort of silly just musing over my boring life while my emotions rage within me. But, I guess, since all these subjects are important aspects of my life, then why wouldn't I reflect on one and not another. Maybe they just feel conflicting to me, like how can I talk about the everyday stuff when so much more is really going on? But, since that is my life, then how could I not discuss them all at the same time, regardless of the absurdity of it all. After all this is how I live everyday, the mundane and the dramatic intertwining without discretion. So that is how I must describe it here, without discretion.

First things first, we ended up having Cheesy Enchilada Chicken Helper with tortillas and some other side items like sliced tomatoes and cheese, Monday night. (Bub is a serious cheese addict) I tried to substitute healthier ingredients where ever I could, but there's really not a whole lot you can do with something like this. I guess it could have been worse. I took a very small portion (1/2 c. ?) and a mammoth salad, then proceeded to pick at the rest of the dish, digging out little chunks of chicken just because it was there. I hate it when I do that, but stuff like this is really difficult for me. Plus, I think I was unsatisfied due to the smallish portion. I'm accustomed to much more filling meals because I can eat so much more of the foods I usually make for myself. Oh well, that's life. I'm just gonna have to make my healthier eating habits fit back into it again since what I've been doing is pretty unrealistic if we're gonna have some sort of regular routine here.

To answer Sandi's question, yes, Helper's, tacos, burgers, lotsa pasta dishes, are all pretty typical fare around here, with a few of my signature dishes thrown in for good measure. Like Tuesday, I made my Chicken Picatta, which has been a long time family favorite. This consists of chicken tenderloins, thinly coated in egg whites, and (FF) Ritz crackers crumbs, then browned in oil (I use that new Enova stuff). Then covered in a sauce made of 2/1 parts lemon juice and sugar, (well, 2 parts Splenda & 1 part sugar) and some garlic powder, which is cooked down to more of a syrupy consistency. This dish is always served with Chicken Rice A Roni, and yet more sliced tomatoes and cheese (see a pattern here?). And I also made some corn for Em, 'cause she loves it so. What I do with this dish, is skip the Rice A Roni and the cheese, and I make a big, honkin salad, topped with 1 or 2 pieces of the deliciously sweet and tart chicken, all cut up. This is absolutely one of my favorite salads, so I always make sure to cook extra chicken so I can feast on it all week long, YUM!

So, I guess it really is just all about moderation. Even though I would choose different foods if I only had myself to consider, I can still eat regular family dinners while remaining OP. It just takes a little work and lotsa portion control. And perhaps a little sneakiness when substituting healthier ingredients into the old favorites. After all, if I want to remain successful, I have to work to make my diet fit my life, not work to make my life fit into my diet, it just doesn't work that way, and it's not much fun either!

Now, on to the unpleasantness. I actually had to get all this down on paper because I didn't have adequate access to the computer when I was needing to vent. In fact, writing it out helped so much that I actually considered forgoing any reflection on it here. But then I felt like that wasn't being true to myself, to just skip over my personal struggles, only to expound on last night's dinner choices. Eh-Eh, wasn't gonna happen! So, here I am, with a few notebook pages full of scrawled anger and frustration sitting before me, ready to transcribe it here, in order to set it free.

Well, I guess the enlightened mood has lifted; at least for now. I dunno, maybe he was in a bad mood, or perhaps, feeling the stress of newfound responsibilities, but regardless, absolutely everything seemed to set him off tonight (this was actually Tuesday night). You can tell, when he gets in these moods, that nothing will stop it and you never know what exactly will trigger his wrath. One thing after another was wrong. We just couldn't win with him, no matter what. Em really bore the brunt of most of it tonight. She just couldn't please him. His complaints were that she didn't talk to him correctly, didn't use what he deems acceptable tones, was unable to explain her homework concepts to him efficiently enough to justify her answers to him, was being generally too loud, rambunctious, you name it. All the while, he's pulling crap out of the hall closet, bitching about why is this in here, why is that? Why did you do this, (directed at me) why did you do that? Don't do this again, don't do that. About what? Who knows? Piddly crap and nitpicky stuff that wouldn't make a difference to a normal human being, but apparently was justification for a rampage in his small little egotistical world. All of this was taking place while I'm in the middle of making a good home cooked meal, like any good wife to a regular working man should. (cough *BULLSHIT* cough!) And I just can't give him the full attention he demands while the chicken is burning, yet he expects nothing less. So then I'm doing the same old thing again- not listening, as usual. He says he's so sick of it; it's always the same issues over and over again. Why can't I ever learn, why can't I just get it right, he asks? He says he doesn't know how to get through to me about what he expects of me as a wife and mother. He hates to repeat himself, it's one of his petpeeves, yet he always has to repeat himself with me. How can I learn, how can I hear and comprehend or understand if the circumstances are ever changing? If the rules and regulations that he imposes are static and can be implied and interpreted differently given the situation? It's almost impossible to know what will set him off one day and not another. Like his mood today (Wednesday), it's perfectly normal and upbeat, like nothing happened. But in his eyes, nothing did happen. This is normal, this is expected. After all, if we can't seem to act right, what else could we expect? How else would he handle it other than blowing a gasket and engaging us in yet another marathon lecture session? We know this, (all to well) yet we continue to mess up according to him. Hmmm, did'ja ever think that just maybe it's because we're human?! That nobody if fucking perfect, including you?!! Oh no, he's not perfect, he says. He just does things the "right" way, and thinks everyone else should too. Yeah, good luck with that one buddy! You know, it's sad, and I cringe when I think it, but sometimes I wish he would just hit me. That way I could justify ending it, and I could say "see, this is why, specifically" and everyone would understand. But how do you explain this kind of mental torment when it can so easily be rationalized and debated away? Oh no, it's nothing like that, she tends to overreact. You know how women are. This is what really happens...

Anyway, that's it. Venting over, I am through. It's amazing what writing about it does for me. It really is like setting it free. I can't believe I've been keeping all this bottled up throughout the years, just stuffing it way down deep, (usually under copious amounts of gooey, fudge brownies or cheesy, hash brown casseroles) and never allowing myself to feel the emotions that continue to dwell inside of me. So here I am, no longer allowing myself to swallow my emotions, yet seemingly unable to voice them. I do the only thing I know how, I write them, I feel them, and I release them in an effort to prevent them from continuing to consume me.