Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Holy crap! You know what I just realized? There's nothing in the world saying that any one of my customers couldn't find and read this blog at any time. Yikes! So much for freakin anonymity! I really don't know what I'm thinking sometimes, duh!

Anyway, things are getting a little hectic around here. It's not too bad yet, but I am finding I have less and less time for the things I enjoy doing throughout the day. But like I've said, I really can't complain, I just need to get more proficient at multitasking. So, I've been kicking a topic around in my head for a while now, but I'm not sure if I'll have the time to expound on it as much as I would like. But here goes nuttin...

I've been feeling as though I'm moving away from the all consuming nature that this whole weight loss/maintenance ideal has taken for so long in my life. Like I'm almost tired of even thinking or talking about it anymore. My life has always been about being fat, or getting skinny, that's all there ever was to it. And now, I feel as though I'm over it already. My lifestyle is just that; a lifestyle. It doesn't require a tremendous amount of work, or at least I don't perceive there to be since I'm used to it now, and have accepted the way I must live in order to be healthy. So, what I do on an everyday basis, with regards to my weight maintenance, is really just not that big of a deal to me anymore, and frankly, I'm tired of allowing this one aspect of my life to define who I am. I mean, even here, sometimes I feel bad for not writing more about the impact my weight loss has had on me because that really was one of the main purposes of this blog to begin with. But I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to sit down and write about this stuff because I'm honestly just tired of it being such a big deal in my life. Everyone else in my life is over it, yet I feel the need to stay present with my inner fat chick, always over-analyzing every little detail of my struggle with this lifelong addiction. But I'm tired of thinking about it, tired of writing about it, tired of living with it. I don't necessarily mean to bitch, oh woe is me and all that crap, but I guess it's just my underlying desire to somehow be "normal" in my abnormal world. I don't want my legacy to be about the fat girl who lost a bunch of weight, and that's it. I understand that it's inherently a part of who I am, but it's not all that I am, not by a long shot. So what's the freakin problem then, right? The problem is, that as it stands right now, being the fat girl who lost a bunch of weight is my only legacy. It really is the only noteworthy thing I've ever done besides produce my beautiful Emmy, and that was merely by chance. I've always toyed with ambitions of greatness, but never really found it. I get ideas and start things, only to never follow through. I know, I know, I followed through on my weight loss, but I really don't know why this ended up being any different than everything else I've started and never completed. I realize that I didn't just get lucky and stumble upon my success, but I don't know why or how my mind-set shifted in a way to allow this success. So I certainly feel lucky, but I still can't explain it.

Anyway, I guess my point (in the interest of time 'cause I have so much freakin work to do!) is that I feel I'm starting to shift away from the role I've been playing for so long, but since I don't have another role to replace it, I'm kind of at a loss for what to do next. I think I really just need to get my act together and start figuring out who I really am now, or at least who want to be, without my fatness or thinness, or general state of health being all that defines me. Maybe that's what I was really getting at in starting and naming this blog to begin with. Yup, that right there is what it all really comes down to; finding Beverly


Anonymous Sandi said...

Bev! Wooo Hooo! You are moving on to the next stage. Isn't that just great!! I've always wondered what I would do with all my time if I didn't have my weight to bother with. Now you get to find out.

I must say that I think you do need to be a little more proud of what you've done. You lost 190 lbs and kept it off. That is one big freaking deal!!! Do you have any idea how many people you have inspired?? I know maybe it's not what you want written on your headstone and all, but geez, that's one huge accomplishment!!!!!

9:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm a computer dummy and was told I could get some help with my darn Ministryware software at this blog! Okay, don't freak, its just me, Jilly! :p

Sandi has echoed much of what I was feeling, but I do understand you not wanting the weight loss to define who you are, even though its an amazing accomplishment.

You're a young woman who spent the first couple of decades of her existance transfixed with "weight" and its affect on all aspects of life. Now you have several decades left to discover the true Beverley. Of course these first years will never leave you, but rather than defining who you are they'll be experiences to draw on in shaping your future. You're right, conquering obesity won't be your only legacy in life, but having done so is direct and convincing evidence that this rather remarkable Beverley person is capable of achieving whatever goals she sets out to conquer!

12:27 AM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

I think you are at a great moment in your life because it is undefined, like you said. I know it's scary as hell trying to take that next step from being fat chick to former fat chick. You now have those same insecurities you once projected toward your weight/weightloss heading to other areas of your life.

I'm just like you in starting and stopping I don't know how many projects in the past (I have a rolling thing full of scrapbook supplies and pics. I did 2 pages.) I have bags of yarn just waiting for projects.

I think once you figure out just where you want your life to head you will accopmlish it.

I ditto that losing 190 pounds is a huge, huge accomplishment and one I would be proud to be known by. :)

10:08 AM  

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