Holy crap! You know what I just realized? There's nothing in the world saying that any one of my customers couldn't find and read this blog at any time. Yikes! So much for freakin anonymity! I really don't know what I'm thinking sometimes, duh!

Anyway, things are getting a little hectic around here. It's not too bad yet, but I am finding I have less and less time for the things I enjoy doing throughout the day. But like I've said, I really can't complain, I just need to get more proficient at multitasking. So, I've been kicking a topic around in my head for a while now, but I'm not sure if I'll have the time to expound on it as much as I would like. But here goes nuttin...

I've been feeling as though I'm moving away from the all consuming nature that this whole weight loss/maintenance ideal has taken for so long in my life. Like I'm almost tired of even thinking or talking about it anymore. My life has always been about being fat, or getting skinny, that's all there ever was to it. And now, I feel as though I'm over it already. My lifestyle is just that; a lifestyle. It doesn't require a tremendous amount of work, or at least I don't perceive there to be since I'm used to it now, and have accepted the way I must live in order to be healthy. So, what I do on an everyday basis, with regards to my weight maintenance, is really just not that big of a deal to me anymore, and frankly, I'm tired of allowing this one aspect of my life to define who I am. I mean, even here, sometimes I feel bad for not writing more about the impact my weight loss has had on me because that really was one of the main purposes of this blog to begin with. But I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to sit down and write about this stuff because I'm honestly just tired of it being such a big deal in my life. Everyone else in my life is over it, yet I feel the need to stay present with my inner fat chick, always over-analyzing every little detail of my struggle with this lifelong addiction. But I'm tired of thinking about it, tired of writing about it, tired of living with it. I don't necessarily mean to bitch, oh woe is me and all that crap, but I guess it's just my underlying desire to somehow be "normal" in my abnormal world. I don't want my legacy to be about the fat girl who lost a bunch of weight, and that's it. I understand that it's inherently a part of who I am, but it's not all that I am, not by a long shot. So what's the freakin problem then, right? The problem is, that as it stands right now, being the fat girl who lost a bunch of weight is my only legacy. It really is the only noteworthy thing I've ever done besides produce my beautiful Emmy, and that was merely by chance. I've always toyed with ambitions of greatness, but never really found it. I get ideas and start things, only to never follow through. I know, I know, I followed through on my weight loss, but I really don't know why this ended up being any different than everything else I've started and never completed. I realize that I didn't just get lucky and stumble upon my success, but I don't know why or how my mind-set shifted in a way to allow this success. So I certainly feel lucky, but I still can't explain it.

Anyway, I guess my point (in the interest of time 'cause I have so much freakin work to do!) is that I feel I'm starting to shift away from the role I've been playing for so long, but since I don't have another role to replace it, I'm kind of at a loss for what to do next. I think I really just need to get my act together and start figuring out who I really am now, or at least who want to be, without my fatness or thinness, or general state of health being all that defines me. Maybe that's what I was really getting at in starting and naming this blog to begin with. Yup, that right there is what it all really comes down to; finding Beverly