Friday, October 28, 2005

My ruby slippers.

I'm having another "hungry" day, which is not to be confused with the infamous "fat" days, as they are a whole other beast entirely. Of course, fat days do usually tend to follow the hungry days; gee go figure! It's not a particularly bad one, I've had much worse where my appetite has been seemingly insatiable, but this one is moderate, and frankly, I'm quite annoyed with the whole thing and ready to be over it already. My mind keeps wandering to food, the time, how long has it been since I last ate, how long is it until my next scheduled snack or meal? My sneaky little inner fat chick happily reminding me that I'm actually trying to plump up my too thin skin, so eating the whole freakin bag of white cheddar rice mini's really is in my best interest. That bitch. And all the while, I'm well aware of the fact that it's not a physical hunger, rather a mental hunger. And even the word hunger is not entirely appropriate; it's more of a desire. A mental want or need to fill up my mouth with flavor, and to savor the feel as I bite into something crunchy, salty, or sweet. There is no actual hunger associated with it whatsoever, how could there be? I eat every 2-3 freakin hours, I never have time to get physically hungry! Go much past 3-4 hours though, and whoa baby! Katie bar the door! In fact, Bub has learned, when it comes feeding time around here, he best get out the way, 'cause momma don't play like that! I know it must drive him nuts that every time he wants to do something, I have to run through a quick check of how long it might take, and figure out just when and where I'll be when my tummy tells me it's time to re-fuel, and then plan our day accordingly. Like if we want to see a movie, do we need to eat before or after? Do I need to have a discreet snack handy in case feeding time falls smack in the middle of the movie? If we're not eating until after, then I have to factor in the drive time and figure out if I need to eat my snack now, or wait until just before the movie starts. Ugh! The planning that goes into implementing and maintaining this lifestyle can be so tedious at times. The amount of mental and physical preparation that goes into planning for any given situation is unreal. But the funny thing is, I've gotten quite used to it, and usually never even give it a second thought. The thought process is automatic now, when I'm presented with a situation, I instantly run through everything I need to do to make my lifestyle fit into it. Because really, if you try hard enough, you can make healthy living fit into almost any situation, and it's honestly not all that difficult. It takes planning, commitment, and the willingness to make it work, no matter what. Not to say that it isn't a major pain in the ass sometimes, and can be somewhat overwhelming if I let it, but it is, in fact, perfectly doable. Naturally health conscious people do it every day, and have been all along. So why not us newly health conscious fat chicks too? Sure, we may have more mental bullshit about our relationships with food to wade through, but that doesn't make it impossible. Although it does seem to feel that way sometimes. I, for one, spent most of my life feeling that way. This whole losing weight thing is impossible so why bother, I'm destined to be fat. And you know what really pisses me off now? Knowing just how much time I wasted telling myself that crap and allowing it to run my life. When, in all actuality, I could have done this years ago, and saved myself from a life of feeling unworthy, undesirable, unacceptable, unlovable, etc, etc... So much time wasted on something that I've had the power to change all along, yet I allowed myself to remain closed off to the possibilities of greatness because of what? Fear, responsibility? Having to actually own the fact that I did this to myself and had no one else to blame? Denial, excuses. Yet I've been wearing the ruby slippers all along, and continuously underestimating their power. My power, to do what ever needs to be done to accomplish my goals. It's always been in me, stuffed way down deep, under the ice cream and brownies and layers of fat, hiding, so I wouldn't actually have to hold myself accountable for my own choices and actions.

Damn, it got deep in here didn't it? Okay, time for a break. But you know what? Not once during that whole rambling speech, did my mind wander to what is on the menu for lunch today. Hmmmm, now that's some food for thought! Yeah, I know, that was baaaaaad! ;D


Blogger Dawnyal said...

I like how you said it is a major pain in the butt but it has become automatic for you. That is good news for me to know that one day it will at least be somewhat normal and not feel so forced all the time.

9:38 AM  

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