Thursday, November 10, 2005

You know what's interesting? The comment Sandi made in my last post about being excited to move on to the next phase as far as this weight thing not being so all-consuming anymore. I don't think I ever really thought about it from that perspective, that naturally moving past this way of being would be a good thing and something to look forward to. Here I am complaining about being sick of this whole aspect of my life, when all along, I should have been rejoicing at the idea that maybe I really can move past it, and not have every single thing in my life wrapped up in it in one way or another, as it always has been. So thank you for putting it into that perspective for me Sandi, you've shown me yet another way that my sometimes sour and pessimistic attitude can negatively affect my thinking.

Well I tried on a few things at Walmart the other day. I swear, the lady who mans the fitting room desk must think I'm absolutely obsessed with clothes! It seems I'm trying something on just about every time I go in there! No, it's really not that bad, but I do wonder what she must be thinking when she sees me trudging up there with an armload of various sized and styled clothes. Yeah, I'm still trying to figure out my "style", well really, I'm just trying to find anything that covers my overhang and jiggliness appropriately! Anyway, today's mission was to locate turtlenecks. And can I just say, I FREAKIN HATE TURTLENECKS! I despise anything that clings too closely to my neck, it makes me feel as though I'm suffocating, which is also why I never wear necklaces either. But I tried some on anyway, 'cause I have to do something to fight against the bone-chilling, mind-numbing cold of the coming fall and winter, here in the frigid Deep South! Yeah, I know, I don't have any idea what frigid really is, but damn, it sure feels cold to me! I can't imagine how I'd ever survive if I lived in a more northern location; Jilly, I don't see how you do it babe! Good grief, I wonder if I'll ever be able to regulate my body temperature normally again. Anyway, while I was there, (not buying stupid, clingy turtlenecks) I spotted another lady looking through the clearance racks (cause you know that's where I stopped first!) who was about my size... well, I guess my old size anyway. Hmmm, I also have to wonder if I'll ever stop automatically thinking of or seeing myself as a 300 lb. woman? Cause lemme tell ya, all my regular fat girl jokes and comments (aimed only at myself, of course) don't go over too well in a crowd anymore! Yikes! Anyway, this woman was wearing the most hideous blouse I've seen in quite a while, and I couldn't help but feel completely mortified for her! Now, I'm sure she thought she was just da bomb, one smokin hot, plus sized momma, but honestly, I would have taken issue with this blouse on anyone, regardless of their size. Anyway, it basically looked like she had taken an oversized (ugly) handkerchief, draped it over one shoulder, and tied it together just below the armpit of the other arm. So it was pretty much open and freely exposing flesh and body parts that IMO just aren't meant to be seen in public. Now, I guess a super skinny, small busted, jiggle-free, roll-less girl with very high self-esteem could probably get away with something like this, in the appropriate setting, of course. But rifling through the clearance racks at Walmart on a Tuesday afternoon, and on an obviously morbidly obese woman, well... it just doesn't work! And I don't care how politically incorrect it may be, every single one of you knows exactly what I'm talkin 'bout! You know, like fat chicks in spandex- it's not pretty and just shouldn't be done! And I have absolutely no qualms saying so because I've been that fat chick in spandex (you know you've done it too, so don't even try to deny it!) and frankly, I may never be able to forgive myself for it. I'm sure you'll agree, the 80's were a dark period in all our lives. ;D Anyway, I was just dyin for her, I mean what was she thinking? But I have to give the girl credit for having the confidence to just be herself and let it all hang out like that, regardless of tight-ass prudes like me inwardly cringing at such a gruesome display of public indecency. I mean, in a way I envy her. I only wish I had that kind of confidence. Of course that doesn't mean I'd ever be caught dead in her ugly-ass handkerchief thingy, or a string bikini, or anything else of that nature, 'cause I'd still be just as big a prude regardless of my confidence level, but you get my drift. You know that chick must have thought she looked damn gooooood, and more importantly felt good, and sexy too. So my question is, how do some women just exude confidence and sexiness? Is it inherently a part of their core personality, or is it learned through years of trial and error and a life well lived? I guess I'm wondering if it's possible that I could ever have been that girl, or is it just not in me to let it all hang out and live my life on my own terms, regardless of what others may think of me? Knowing me, I highly doubt it. I can't imagine that I would ever just not be concerned with the opinions and judgments of those around me. It's not in my nature. But again, how did this come to be "my nature"? Why is it that each of us are born with distinct and individual personalities, likes and dislikes, sexual preferences, etc. And what exactly is it that determines each of these traits in us? Could I somehow have re-trained myself to be a confident, vibrant woman, despite my natural tendency towards just the opposite? And if, indeed, I could have done so, I wonder if it can still be done now?


Anonymous Jilly said...

Gee, wouldn't it be great to have such confidence in yourself that you couldn't care less what anyone thought about how you looked? You say you felt mortified for that woman and was dying for her, but if she feels good about herself (and her detestable blouse) then there's no reason for you to feel those emotions. Heck, if she thinks she looks smoking hot, good for her, after all self-esteem is all about SELF, right? I have a friend just like that. She's beyond obese but truly thinks she's da bomb and while I worry about her health, I rejoice in her confidence (and since I know her really well, I truly know its not an act and she's happy with her life).

I do wonder if beautiful people live in fear of losing their looks. What if they're disfigured in an accident? Are they afraid they won't be loved? What about aging? I wonder if their psyche is totally wrapped up in appearance or if they just consider it one asset amongst their other qualities? What about those whose beauty is their undoing? Take Marilyn Monroe ~ she had it all; physical beauty, comedic/dramatic talent, riches, success, love of the masses and yet she was so insecure and had such low self-esteem that when she hit her mid-thirties she gave up altogether. Compare her to the overweight, homely woman, living paycheck to paycheck, yet surrounded by loving family. I know who I'd say has more beauty in their life. Wow, rambling or what? What was the question, again? ;)

P.S. - I detest turtle necks too, even though I live "up north". Oh, and I guess I won't invite you to visit me mid-February!

11:37 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

I think it is something you can still teach yourself. I used to be that self-conscious person who hid. I posted my senior pic over at 3fc and someone commented I look so much more confident now and it's true. Way back when I hid my assets because I didn't want peopel gawking at my 36DD's (yes they were that large back then). At some point in college I finally realized that I shouldn't hide from the world anymore and I took the leap to be a more extroverted person.

That's not to say I don't have days where I'm extremely self-conscious and just not very self-confident. For the most part I do love myself regardless of my size and I will wear a bikini to the beach weighing however much I weigh because that's just me. I'm there to enjoy the sun and the experience and not there to listen to all the other people make fun of the fat chick in the bikini. Okay I'll stop rambling now.

I think you need to find an outift, hairstyle, makeup or whatever that you really like you in and then keep telling yourself over and over that you are beautiful and confident and nothing in the world can stop you. Just keep doing that over and over and eventually you will start to believe it. :)

2:28 PM  

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