Monday, November 14, 2005

Good grief, sorry for the extended ramble!


Well, we have a busy day planned. More perusing of mobile homes, lunch out after that (Chili's?), then off to Little Rock to finally let Em use the Build-A-Bear gift certificate she got from Grandma Jan on her birthday in September! I know, bad mommy! We finally just had to schedule it, or we never would have gotten around to it. She's way excited and I'm sure it will prove to be tons of fun. The shop is located in the mall, so I figure we'll check out the various mall attractions while there. Then the rest of the gang is talking about catching a movie afterwards, but I don't know if I'm up for that much excitement in one day, so we'll see! About the mobile home search, we're really seriously considering trying to find a way around our towns' stupid ordinances against placing them within city limits. Perhaps it may be as simple as laying a permanent foundation, which we would have done anyway, regardless of where we put it, but only research will tell. Of course, this isn't anything we'll be doing anytime soon, as our credit is so completely hosed. But with the newfound stability in Bub's job, my hope is that we can start pulling ourselves out of this black hole of debt, and begin working toward the future. Have I mentioned lately how much of a relief it is to know that we have enough money to pay the bills coming in consistently and reliably? OMG, I just can't get over it! And Bub LOVES the job too! He's totally given up all ideas of trying to start his own business as a main source of income anymore, and is perfectly content to stay right here, working to serve as his boss's right hand man. Which is exactly what Jim (his boss) is grooming him to be. He (Jim) has plainly stated, in no uncertain terms, that he fully expects Bub to take over and completely run the joint upon his retirement in a few years. And Bub has totally stepped up to the plate, fully embracing the responsibility, as it fits so perfectly with his drive for efficiency and being in charge. It's amazing how quickly he's moved into this much of a lead position in such a short amount of time (approx. 6 weeks now). In fact, Jim rarely does anything or makes any decisions at all without first consulting Bub on it. I guess I always figured his anal-retentiveness and intensity had to be good for something, right? Yeah, just so long as it's more directly concentrated at work, instead of at us! And he's all about being a team player too, he's nothing if not a truly loyal and goal oriented employee. Which, of course, goes a very long way in Jim's eyes.

Later Saturday...

I had to quit earlier to get going on our planned outings, so now I'm back to finish up. The mobile home search went pretty well. We got a lot of good ideas for how we would design our own floorplan. We've never found one plan that fully fits our wants and needs, and since they offer customized floor plans and can do pretty much anything you want, we figure we'll just design our own so we can have it all. If we do end up doing this, we are gonna go all out. I mean dream kitchen, sheet-rock walls throughout, built on garage, real foundation, the whole shebang. It sure was fun dreaming about all the cool amenities like a walk in pantry and jet tub in the bathroom, ahhh... someday! Of course, I would still prefer a built house over pre-fab, but at this point it seems pretty unrealistic considering how much a built house like we want would cost. We're guessing like 3X as much! Oh well, all of this is still so far in the future that who know what may actually happen when it comes time.
Anyway, after that was lunch at Chili's where I had a huge grilled chicken salad, and got very full! Then we headed off to Little Rock, to the Build-A-Bear place at the mall. OMG, the place was freakin packed! I just couldn't believe how many people were there. Who ever came up with this idea must be absolutely raking in the dough! So we got in line and Em picked out a cute white bear with a pink nose. We were sure she would pick out a kitty since she is sooooo kitty crazy, but she said she has enough kitties and wanted this instead. Then we waited in the line for like half an hour before we finally made it up to the stuffing station where they stuffed the little bear full of white fluff. Next, they had Em pick out a little red heart, make a wish on it and kiss it twice before stuffing it into the bear's butt, and then pulling the strings to close it up. Next was the shining station where she brushed off all the stray fur and fluff, and then on to pick out some stylin' clothes to ensure the little bear's fashion diva status. They have everything you can imagine, right down to tiny little pink panties, with a hole cut out in the butt for the tail, of course. After we got her dressed we went over to the naming station where we filled out a birth certificate and gave the bear a name; Snow White. Don't ask, that was all Em's idea! Then they boxed it up, handed us a printed birth certificate, and told us the damage; $42 and some change! Whoooo! We knew we had $40 to work with on the gift certificate, so we really only ended up shelling out a couple of bucks, thank you Grandma Jan!! Em is so happy with her little bear, she even made a special spot on her bed for it right after we got home. In fact, it's sitting next to her right now, as the kids are watching yet another Star Wars movie. Yup, I talked them out of going to the theater tonight, opting for a movie at home instead, yay!! I really don't enjoy going out to the movies very much because we have to sit so close to the screen due to Bub's limited vision. I usually end up with a crick in my neck and a nasty headache. Plus, it's just so ridiculously expensive! Why would I want to pay that much just to end up feeling like crap afterwards? No thank you! We do actually go to the movies quite a bit, but usually just to the dollar theater in North Little Rock. But the kids wanted to see Zathura this time, so I promised we could go to the local theater on Sunday, rather than trying to cram it all in today.

Sunday now...

We went and saw Zathura. It was pretty good and action packed as far as more kid friendly movies go, which I don't typically tend to enjoy, but that's what you do when you're a mom. After that we went scouting around for different places we could possibly put a mobile home. God, I hate doing crap like that with Bub! He so freakin rigid and exacting. He seems to be stuck on the idea of setting up in a mobile home park, and while it's a really nice one, it's still a mobile home park and that's just not what I want. But he wants decisions and specific criteria for what I do and don't want. And I'm thinking we're not doing this next month or even next year, so what's the problem with just exploring all of our options including possibly purchasing a frame house that may not have all the nice amenities like we want. The point is to get out of renting, but with him it's like signing my life away. He wants me to make decisions about things that I'm still unsure of, and then he'll be able to hold me to what ever I say. So of course I'm wishy washy about this because I don't want him to be able to use something I was pressured into against me later on. Arghhhhh! Anyway, I just get to the point where I don't want to buy anything with the jerk, and I just want him to leave me the fuck alone! Dammit, it was a long freakin day. And then he holds me in this never ending conversation for so long that we end up having to go out to eat again because it's now so late that I can't possibly make anything suitable enough by a reasonable time. Double arghhhh! We ended up going to Ryan's, which is a huge family style buffet, because we had a certificate for a free meal and drink for Em. So it only cost about 20 bucks, but still, after Chili's on Saturday and the regular movies (not dollar theater) today, we've spent like a hundred bucks this weekend, pretty much all on crap! OMG, I have such issues with wasteful spending, it's not even funny! I guess I should just be grateful that we had the money to waste, but I certainly don't want to make a habit out of this.


Okay, it's Monday now. I guess I better post this thing 'cause I fear I'm even putting myself to sleep. Just on a side note, I'm feeling quite blah today. In fact, I really started to notice it Sunday, and maybe even as early as Saturday. I just don't want to deal with anything or do anything. It's times like this that I wish I could just curl up somewhere cozy and warm, free of distractions, no responsibilities or obligations, and just be. I think it's due to a cumulation of various overwhelming ideas and tasks looming ominously over my head. Pressure from Bub on this house thing, when in all honesty, I'd rather not live with him at all, let alone purchase a home with him! Plus, the upcoming holiday season and all the stress and money involved with that. I'm not one of those holiday spirit, decorating and gift buying with tradition and pleasure kind of people. (gee, ya think?!) Truthfully, I wouldn't bother with it at all if I didn't have a child and think it was expected of my by others. I think I would be perfectly happy skipping right on past all the major holidays without a bit of remorse if I thought I could get away with it. Wow, don't I sound like tons of fun? Yeah well, bah humbug! ;D No really, it's just too much for me. Or I let it (or make it) be too much for me, rather. Anyway, my point is that I'm really starting to feel the effects of my gloominess setting in, and I just don't want to get lost in it, as I tend to do. This is a dangerous state of mind for me, and it's definitely not where, how, or who I want to be. Sometimes I just need to pull myself together, tell myself to knock this nonsense off, put a big 'ol smile on and just gitter done. At least for Em's sake anyway, no reason for her to have to miss out just because I'm one messed up 'ol scrooge!


Blogger Dawnyal said...

Can I say that was one action packed weekend you had going there. I love Em's new bear. It is adorable. I hope to take Lilly and William one of these years. I think I'll wait until they are a bit older though to really enjoy the experience.

As for the home, have you looked into a modular home rather than mobile. There really isn't much difference in the two other than with modular they pretty much build it in their factory and then finish it up on your site. I know around here there's not much difference in price between the 2. You might also check out a couple of repo places. Some of them are pretty crappy but if you can get there when they first get them in you can check and make sure there isn't much water damage or anything else as they usually replace walls/carpet/etc. and getting looking good as new.
I know last time when you and bub were having decision-making issues you sat down and wrote it all out. Maybe it's time to sharpen your pencil again and write out all your concerns, questions and such for him and then go over the list.

I love going to the theater just not on opening weekends. We usually sit in the back. I too get that crick in my neck if I sit too close. We're taking Chris to see HP this Saturday. They are only going to have 2 showtimes for it so it's going to be packed. The good news if if we get in to the matinee it's only going to be like $12 for all 3 of us to get in and then another probably $10 for popcorn and drinks.

11:23 AM  
Anonymous Jilly said...

That bear idea is great ~ if they have that sort of thing "up here", many of my Christmas shopping dilemmas will be instantly solved!

I haven't seen mobile homes in my parts (too cold, I suppose), but I've been to a couple in Florida and was amazed at how spacious and luxerious they were. I'm with you on preferring to set up on land somewhere other than in a park, but I'm not sure I'd be able to put forth a satisfactory definitive answer as to why if questioned by Bub (doesn't he understand the concept of plain old preference for one thing over the other without having to go into great detail?) Sheesh...

I rarely go to the movie theatres anymore and wait for the ones I want to see to come out on dvd. I find it so annoying to sit with a crowd that's constantly yakking, making so much noise eating and kicking the back of my seat. The smell of buttered popcorn drives me insane too (I MUST have a tub!) Nope, give me the comfort of my own home, a bag of fat-free popcorn and the ability to "pause" at will for bathroom visits!

I think there's lots of people out there who are "scrooge-like" but are loathe to admit it. I know during the lean years I dreaded the expense of Christmas and, even now, I find so many gifts are obligation oriented rather than given from the heart. Christmas is so commercialized and while I'm not a religious person, I'd prefer it be more a quietly spiritual celebration involving only close family/friends and lots of good food :D Ahhh, simpler would be so less stressful...

8:30 PM  
Anonymous elmay said...

I don't know if you're going to see this or not...I hope so. I just found your blog and am reading through your past posts. When I came across this one, I just had to stop and comment.

It is amazing and wonderful how people can change. You're 28 (if I remember correctly), and look at how much you've changed! From where I sit at 44 y/o and 279 pounds (down 31 pounds, yippee), that's awesome. But, I can look back at the changes I've made and say, hell yes, it is possible to totally change your life.

I was the smart quiet fat girl in high school with no money, not many clothes, a bad hair cut, and no self confidence. I literally never opened up to anyone. Well, that's not strictly true. I did try to talk to the church youth minister's wife, and after one conversation, never spoke with her again. I tried to commit suicide when I was 17. A month later, I was at a party, so drunk I could hardly stand up, and I tried telling my "best friend" (someone who used to let me hang out with her and her pals sometimes) about how unhappy I was. She cut off our friendship. I wrote about my suicide attempt in my diary. A year later, I found out my mom had read it, but never talked to me about it and never got me any help. I really didn't think I'd live to see 21 -- I figured eventually I would kill myself.

The miracle is not only that I lived, but that I also learned how to make friends, open up to other people, and to be happy, at least some of the time. It has taken many years, a lot of therapy, spiritual help, 12 step programs, and now the folks who are helping me get healthy and lose weight on my latest journey to become the person I was always meant to be.

I know this is extremely long, but you have already done something quite awesome and I am sure you have much more awesomeness in you. For you and for all of us, I hope we can all remember that and keep it in our hearts.

12:52 AM  

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