Saturday, January 07, 2006

My week

Oh man, what a week! Work was absolutely crazy, which was completely expected, but to make matters worse we had phone "issues" on Tuesday. All of these people were calling either to get registered or to get help and they were getting a message that their call was being blocked due to their area code. Huh? So, of course, people were freaking out and either calling my boss's direct line (which only goes to voicemail and states to call the toll free number (my line) for help, so I don't know why he even bothers to list it) or e-mailing either tech support or me directly with frantic messages about how they paid their tech support fees so how dare we block their calls, or freaking out 'cause they waited all year to catch up their information and now that it's time to print reports everything is screwed up and they don't know what to do, and they need help NOW!!! OMFG! So I try to call SBC and navigate through their mind-numbing automated system without ripping the fucking phone out of the wall and throwing it directly into the goddamn computer, which is no small feet to avoid, lemme tell ya! But with phone and computer intact, I made my way through the system only to have them tell me that due to heavy call volume, they would be unable to take my call and to call again later, goodbye. You've got to be freakin'' kidding me! That was it, I took a much needed break! Anyway, come to find out it was a problem with the toll free service provider, not my line, and everything worked out in the end. Of course then, I was completely backed up and overwhelmed, plus it was Em's last day of Christmas vacation and she was grounded from "fun stuff" due to pre-pubescent attitude problems, so she was bored and miserable and frankly quite whinny and demanding, so all in all, it was a completely disastrous day. The rest of the week has been somewhat better (school is now back in session, whoo hoo!) but it's still crazy busy and sucking major butt. I'm just trying to remind myself that this one period of total chaos is worth all of the freedom this cushy job typically affords me. Sooooo, I think I can, I think I can...

Well, every day is just more and more drama concerning Bub and his job now. My idea of stability most certainly does not include him coming to me every other day saying we need to start implementing other plans to generate income because he doesn't think the company will survive because Jim (his boss/owner) is completely incompetent. Even though Jim has owned and operated this thriving company for over 12 years now, and has always gotten along just fine in the past. But it doesn't really surprise me, Bub thinks anyone who doesn't think and do things the way he does is incompetent. He's already planning for going back to working for himself, so everything has had to be this huge discussion about our future and how he should handle things and so on. I don't get why he does this, he wants to know what I think about everything because he knows that I don't feel like I have a real say in anything, but whenever I tell him my opinions I just get lectured on how and why they're wrong and useless. He really just wants to go over and over every freakin' thought or idea that pops into his head and have me completely agree and reassure him that he is, of course, all knowing and always right. If I answer incorrectly then I'm not listening as always, and I need to fix my communication skills so he can carry on a real conversation with me. "Real" meaning that I automatically come to all the same conclusions about things as he does, but on my own. Because if I can do that, then it means that I've actually been listening to him, so of course, how could I not come to the same conclusions, because his way is the right way. The problem is that I just don't think the way he does and I never will, (thank goodness!) but that makes for frequent and inevitable lectures. God, I hate talking about this shit here because I know anyone who reads this must be screaming to get the hell out, because that's exactly what I would be screaming too. And it really does me no good other than having an outlet to vent, but I know I'm not going to do anything about it, so really, it's just fucking pathetic! What do I do? I just try to let it go as much as possible and strive to make the best of what I have, but the resentment is building, and I'm just so tired of it all. So fucking tired.

Wow, I didn't intend for my first post back after this crazy week to be so depressing, but that's what I'm dealing with, so there it is.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haven't been reading you long enough to know...have you tried couples therapy? (I'm guessing Bub would be like most males and not want to go, insisting that it's YOUR problem...) If your daughter wasn't in the picture, I'd be one of those get-the-hell-out'ers. Since she's there, I say try therapy first before making any big decisions. You'll just want to know that you did everything you could to make things work. Good luck in whatever you decide!

11:55 AM  
Anonymous jilly said...

I wish bub could read this blog and finally get it through his thick skull that you see right through all his attempts at manipulation and know exactly what he's up to when he pretends to involve you in his ideas and decisions. Maybe if he understood its all falling on deaf ears and that you merely think of him as an obnoxious blowhard he'd stop playing all the games and realise the lectures will never have the desired effect. As for couples therapy, I'm betting you could fill a stadium with therapists and he'd say they're all wrong and he's right. I know you're adamant about not leaving and I know he'll never change, so all I can do is hope with all my heart that he doesn't screw things up financially(and I have a few other hopes that I'm not allowed to mention). I'm so glad you have this place to vent out your frustrations. Always here for you, darlin'!

12:36 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

I'm curious....what was it that got you two together in the first place? Was he pulling a Jekyl and Hyde routine--one way before you were married and then changed after? I just can't imagine you would choose a guy like that knowingly.

1:52 PM  
Blogger B said...

No Jen, you’re right, I would never knowingly choose this. We met in high school when we were stupid kids who hadn't grown up and didn't know who we were yet. After living a very sheltered life at home (his mother smothered him because of his disability) college and some arrogant, egotistical friends he made there, became a catalyst for the evolution of this less than sparkling personality that we all so enjoy today. Unfortunately, by the time I started to get some inkling of what I had gotten myself into, I went and caught preggers, and well, the rest is history.

You're right about the counseling Jilly, and I don't think reading this would make a difference either. He believes whole-heartedly in his way of thinking, so my words here are just me trying to play the victim and making him out to be the bad guy, in essence, me being a bad, selfish wife who only cares about herself, and doesn’t support or respect her husband. Honestly, it goes so much deeper than I could ever explain.

Thank you for not yelling everyone, I really appreciate it.

Beverly

2:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I won't yell either, Beverly, but I will say this: don't you deserve better? Really?

OK, so you won't make a decision to leave or do anything drastic. I don't get WHY (since it seems to be such a big factor in making your life miserable), but still - that's obviously your choice. That does not mean you can't prepare financially so that if/when in the future you choose to take action, you actually have the means to make it on your own.

It would be a tragedy if you woke up one day and thought to yourself "I've had it! I can't live like this." and then you COULDN'T do anything about it because of financial reasons.

7:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I came here because I saw your link on 3FC. I post there as Serafyn.

Anyway, I'm writing to you here, because after reading your post, I think you would really appreciate a website called Dr.Irene's Verbal Abuse Site www.drirene.com

Great articles that I know you'd recognized your situation in, and one of the best forums I've ever been a part of. If you visit the site, be sure to click on "Trubble's Catbox" which is the forum. I post there as Seeker.

I've got loads to do, so I will not explain more, but hope you go and explore yourself. Believe me, your husband knows just what he is doing.

((hugs)) and congratulations on your amazing weight-loss accomplishment!

11:39 PM  
Blogger chryscat said...

Beverly:

NO yelling here. Hugs, mebbe. I can understand a piss-poor week. Believe me. And I've known men like your Bub. You can take my word on that one, too. But I agree with the other ladies. You deserve better. BETTER. If he won't get over himself, then you need to. In my opinion. And yeah, I know what everyone says about those.
I wasn't married to this kind of man. He was more the "Peter Pan-the world owes me a living" type. But you CAN live without them.
I hope the situation gets better.
Crystal*

3:19 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

I agree too that you do deserve so much better. One of these days you will reach the point where the status quo is longer okay for you and will find a way to change. I believe that. You lost 180 pounds and have kept that off for 2+ years. I think it will all happen on your time frame and in the way you want it to happen. No amount of badgering from us will ever change that. Just know that we are here to support you no matter what.

11:20 AM  
Blogger B said...

Thanks guys, your support means the world to me.

Beverly

11:51 AM  
Blogger GeekInThePink said...

I've been there and I've been away from there, and BELIEVE ME-it's soooo much better on this side of the fence. Good luck :o)

11:17 AM  

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