I figured I'd better post something, just so you know that I'm still breathing and have yet to commit any crimes, punishable by law. Frankly, I feel like a zombie, without even the energy to put all this nonsense currently bombarding my feeble brain into words, much less in the form of a post. In fact, I find it quite miraculous that I even remain upright, and the fact that I continue to go about my daily tasks of work and motherhood just astounds me. I feel as though I'm dying inside, and forming this cold hard shell which allows for no joy to penetrate. (Please forgive me while I pay homage to my inner drama queen, even if just for a moment.) While I don't mean to sound so overly dramatic, as I am merely trying to accurately describe how I feel, the sickly sappiness of this woe is me, poor little Beverly, always the victim, doesn't she have it so fucking hard?, attitude is just oozing and seeping from every whinny syllable. And that just pisses me off! I don't want to be a goddamned victim, I want to be strong and powerful and do what's good and right and makes me happy! But then I feel so selfish because in order to make myself happy, it would have to come at the expense of others' happiness, and what exactly gives me the fucking right? Why should my happiness be any more important than Bub's or Em's? That's not fair to them either. So, of course, I remain torn and enveloped in this bullshit drama of my own making. And we all know how much I love drama, don't we? I want to say that maybe it was easier when I was still in the place of being willing to just accept things the way they are and try to make the best of them. And maybe it would be easier, but I know in my heart that I can't live that way for the rest of my life. It's just that this transition in my thinking seems almost not worth the pain it evokes. Things were easier when I chose to remain in denial, I didn't have to face my true feelings or actually consider taking some sort of life altering action. This is scary shit, and I don't like it, not one little bit.

I also wish I had never even discussed options with Em after her little revelation. Although I'm not exactly sure what I should have said to, "I wish we didn't have to live with daddy anymore.", but perhaps letting on that such an idea were even a possibility was inappropriate. I guess I just didn't want to lead her to believe that she must learn to accept her fate as a member of this family like I've been trying to do all these years. But perhaps I should have just listened and loved her, while keeping my mouth shut about what could actually be done about it. She seemed so desperate, and I didn't want to disappoint her by letting her assume that I planned allow this to continue indefinitely. She had such hope in her eyes for a day or two, as did I, but now I dunno. Lately she's been trying to fool herself and convince me that everything is fine and dandy by saying little things like, "we have such a great family, the best mommy, the best daddy, and the best daughter, and the best kitty, of course!" And, "hasn't daddy been being awfully nice lately?" Which, in fact, he has been being extra affectionate with her lately, and hasn't gone into full on Bubba lecture/rant mode with her in quite some time. I wonder if he knows on some subconscious level, that things aren't as peachy keen as he perceives? I wonder if he's trying to win her over on some level, or is it just me being overly sensitive and wanting her to remember what staying in our present situation would really mean in the long run, and hopefully change her mind again, so I can feel justified in moving forward? Or is it because I'm so obviously shutting down, and in turn, only succeeding in bringing them closer together?

Lets move on, shall we? Get this, I called Legal Aid yesterday, per my mom's suggestion, to inquire about free or low cost legal services, and you know what they said? Due to budget cuts, they could no longer take on any new divorce cases that didn't involve recent and documented physical abuse. Nice huh? Wonder if I could get him to beat the crap outta me? Then I could have a real excuse for leaving and get a little help from the county to boot! (JK, I promise.) Know what else I did? Starting blubbering like freakin' idiot as soon as they answered the phone. That's what I do, I'm a crier. Poor dude must have thought he was talking to a crazy woman. This is why I can't ever talk about this stuff, and choose to write about it instead. I just automatically turn into an incoherent cry baby any time I try to express myself vocally. Hmmm, perhaps I'm shedding a little light on that communication problem which Bub is always to quick to point out and blame all of our problems on? Maybe he's on to something there, huh? Yeah well, that still doesn't change the fact that I can't stand the jerk, so who cares, right?

Okay, I'm done for now. I just got an email from Bub saying what a bad day he's having and how much he hates his job, and that we need to "talk" tonight. My heart sank and my stomach tied in knots immediately upon reading what kind of evening I have to look forward to. The dread I feel is almost unbearable. He just wants me to say, yes, please quit your mean old job! Of course you have to do what ever makes you happy, so if that means losing the only stable form of income we've had in years, then so be it. I'll understand, (don't I always?) it'll all work out in the end. But he knows he can't just up and quit right now, so tonight will be about how everyone takes advantage of him and disrespects him and what we must do to prepare for our future. What we must do to start earning some other form of income NOW so he can finally quit this horrible, degrading job and go back to "working from home" again, here, in this house, all day long, alone with me. Dear god, I can't go through that again. Wish me luck tonight, I'm gonna need it.

Ahh, to go back to the days of posting when my biggest worries were about whether or not to keep Precious, or how Em's doing in school lately. How did I (me, the queen of enjoying the uneventfulness of life) turn this into such a living soap opera? Where's that comfort zone now when I really need it? Sorry to be so cynical and unpleasant, but this totally sucks monkey butt. Okay, now I'm really done. I'll try to be in higher spirits when I return, I promise. Thanks for listening (well, reading anyway) everyone. After all, who doesn't like a good soap opera, right? ;D