Thursday, February 09, 2006

I figured I'd better post something, just so you know that I'm still breathing and have yet to commit any crimes, punishable by law. Frankly, I feel like a zombie, without even the energy to put all this nonsense currently bombarding my feeble brain into words, much less in the form of a post. In fact, I find it quite miraculous that I even remain upright, and the fact that I continue to go about my daily tasks of work and motherhood just astounds me. I feel as though I'm dying inside, and forming this cold hard shell which allows for no joy to penetrate. (Please forgive me while I pay homage to my inner drama queen, even if just for a moment.) While I don't mean to sound so overly dramatic, as I am merely trying to accurately describe how I feel, the sickly sappiness of this woe is me, poor little Beverly, always the victim, doesn't she have it so fucking hard?, attitude is just oozing and seeping from every whinny syllable. And that just pisses me off! I don't want to be a goddamned victim, I want to be strong and powerful and do what's good and right and makes me happy! But then I feel so selfish because in order to make myself happy, it would have to come at the expense of others' happiness, and what exactly gives me the fucking right? Why should my happiness be any more important than Bub's or Em's? That's not fair to them either. So, of course, I remain torn and enveloped in this bullshit drama of my own making. And we all know how much I love drama, don't we? I want to say that maybe it was easier when I was still in the place of being willing to just accept things the way they are and try to make the best of them. And maybe it would be easier, but I know in my heart that I can't live that way for the rest of my life. It's just that this transition in my thinking seems almost not worth the pain it evokes. Things were easier when I chose to remain in denial, I didn't have to face my true feelings or actually consider taking some sort of life altering action. This is scary shit, and I don't like it, not one little bit.

I also wish I had never even discussed options with Em after her little revelation. Although I'm not exactly sure what I should have said to, "I wish we didn't have to live with daddy anymore.", but perhaps letting on that such an idea were even a possibility was inappropriate. I guess I just didn't want to lead her to believe that she must learn to accept her fate as a member of this family like I've been trying to do all these years. But perhaps I should have just listened and loved her, while keeping my mouth shut about what could actually be done about it. She seemed so desperate, and I didn't want to disappoint her by letting her assume that I planned allow this to continue indefinitely. She had such hope in her eyes for a day or two, as did I, but now I dunno. Lately she's been trying to fool herself and convince me that everything is fine and dandy by saying little things like, "we have such a great family, the best mommy, the best daddy, and the best daughter, and the best kitty, of course!" And, "hasn't daddy been being awfully nice lately?" Which, in fact, he has been being extra affectionate with her lately, and hasn't gone into full on Bubba lecture/rant mode with her in quite some time. I wonder if he knows on some subconscious level, that things aren't as peachy keen as he perceives? I wonder if he's trying to win her over on some level, or is it just me being overly sensitive and wanting her to remember what staying in our present situation would really mean in the long run, and hopefully change her mind again, so I can feel justified in moving forward? Or is it because I'm so obviously shutting down, and in turn, only succeeding in bringing them closer together?

Lets move on, shall we? Get this, I called Legal Aid yesterday, per my mom's suggestion, to inquire about free or low cost legal services, and you know what they said? Due to budget cuts, they could no longer take on any new divorce cases that didn't involve recent and documented physical abuse. Nice huh? Wonder if I could get him to beat the crap outta me? Then I could have a real excuse for leaving and get a little help from the county to boot! (JK, I promise.) Know what else I did? Starting blubbering like freakin' idiot as soon as they answered the phone. That's what I do, I'm a crier. Poor dude must have thought he was talking to a crazy woman. This is why I can't ever talk about this stuff, and choose to write about it instead. I just automatically turn into an incoherent cry baby any time I try to express myself vocally. Hmmm, perhaps I'm shedding a little light on that communication problem which Bub is always to quick to point out and blame all of our problems on? Maybe he's on to something there, huh? Yeah well, that still doesn't change the fact that I can't stand the jerk, so who cares, right?

Okay, I'm done for now. I just got an email from Bub saying what a bad day he's having and how much he hates his job, and that we need to "talk" tonight. My heart sank and my stomach tied in knots immediately upon reading what kind of evening I have to look forward to. The dread I feel is almost unbearable. He just wants me to say, yes, please quit your mean old job! Of course you have to do what ever makes you happy, so if that means losing the only stable form of income we've had in years, then so be it. I'll understand, (don't I always?) it'll all work out in the end. But he knows he can't just up and quit right now, so tonight will be about how everyone takes advantage of him and disrespects him and what we must do to prepare for our future. What we must do to start earning some other form of income NOW so he can finally quit this horrible, degrading job and go back to "working from home" again, here, in this house, all day long, alone with me. Dear god, I can't go through that again. Wish me luck tonight, I'm gonna need it.

Ahh, to go back to the days of posting when my biggest worries were about whether or not to keep Precious, or how Em's doing in school lately. How did I (me, the queen of enjoying the uneventfulness of life) turn this into such a living soap opera? Where's that comfort zone now when I really need it? Sorry to be so cynical and unpleasant, but this totally sucks monkey butt. Okay, now I'm really done. I'll try to be in higher spirits when I return, I promise. Thanks for listening (well, reading anyway) everyone. After all, who doesn't like a good soap opera, right? ;D


Anonymous Jilly said...

"Why should my happiness be any more important than Bub's or Em's? That's not fair to them either."

Do you really think Bub is happy? Does he really enjoy constantly lecturing someone he feels is selfish and not his ideal of a compliant woman who possesses no thoughts or ideas of her own? There's plenty of them out there ~ here's his chance to find his dream woman. As for Em, you have to know she'll be happier living in a stable existence where nobody has to walk around on eggshells or be subjected to his tirades. You're not taking her daddy away from her. He'll just have less presence. You know that's for the better.

I HATE that you'll have to listen to him dictate the family's future tonight. I wish you could just say "Do what you want Bub, my future isn't yours".

That sucks about legal aid, it really does. Check out if there are attorneys in your area who provide pro bono or low cost legal assistance ~ we have many high powered, top level lawyers here that rake in too much money, so they provide that sort of service (not out of the goodness of their hearts, mind you, but as a tax write-off). Good luck! (((hugs)))

1:18 PM  
Blogger B said...

That's the thing Jilly, he honestly doesn't see it that way. He doesn't see it as lecturing, he sees it as teaching us to be better, which means more like him, even though he would never admit to that. I have no doubt that he loves me and wants to be married to me, and he absolutely wants me to have thoughts and ideas of my own. But not the wrong thoughts and ideas, y'know? He can't understand why I don't think the way he does, or come to the same conclusions as him on the important topics that affect our family. He just thinks I'm broken and in need of fixing, which he assumes he is more than capable of doing. He would never see this as a chance to find someone who compliments his nature better. Only as a failure and a cop out on my part from trying to fix what's broken and keep our family together.

1:58 PM  
Anonymous Jilly said...

Oh ... so you can be your own woman and have your own thoughts and ideas, so long as you "learn" to think like him. Strange way to love someone. Well, all I can say is ARGGGHHHH! Too bad he can't clone himself into a woman.

2:56 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

Beverly there is no need to apologize for being all down here at your blog. This is your outlet and we are merely spectators. I can only imagine the torment you are in right now over all this. It may be that he does suspect something is up and that's what his lecture will be about. I think the idea of calling around a couple of the lawyers for pro bono work is an excellent idea. Especially with it being tax season and they may realize a couple of pro bono cases last year would've done them a world of good and they need one this year to help with next year's taxes. :)

3:41 PM  
Anonymous HeatherW said...

I'm not sure exactly what to say Beverly except that you know deep down inside what it is the best course of action.

The longer you let is continue, the worse it will get. Yes, it may be rocky and emotional for a bit, but after that, the rewards will be so great!

I am sending good thoughts your way! *hugs*

11:11 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

Any chance you and Em can get away from Bub, just the two of you, for a day or two? I think you both need the break...I know you definitely do!

12:06 PM  
Blogger chryscat said...

Two words. Control. Freak.
In my opinion. Always have to have that disclaimer there.
I've got horror stories out the yahoo about this type of shit.
You DO need a break. First, a small one. And then if the crap continues, definitely a longer one.
Take care of yourself, Bev!!!

8:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Beverly,

A little off the topic but I am going to reccommend to you one of my favourite books.

It is by L.M. Montgomery, the author of Anne of Green Gables, and it is called 'The Blue Castle'.

I should iterate that it has nothing to do with what you are talking about here (emotional abuse etc...) - but it always motivates and inspires me if I am feeling like a victim.

Give it a go.

4:03 PM  

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