Saturday, February 04, 2006

I'm starting to experience a profound sense of urgency to plan and prepare for the inevitable. Yes Jilly, the moment you've been waiting for, I finally feel as though there's been a definite change in mindset. From that of hopeless resignation to one of a more hopeful impending resolution. I'm not exactly sure what this will mean just yet, I just know that I feel different. I feel that maybe I really can do what everyone else who's stuck in a miserable marriage does, cut my losses and try to move on. I've said before that ending it wasn't an option, but why not? I owe him no explanation, as if one would ever be good enough anyway. The fact is, I don't love him and I'm deeply unhappy, which is affecting who I am, and the mother and woman I'd like to be. Why should I have to suffer through it till the end of time? What did I ever do to deserve a life sentence of unhappiness? (whaaaa, poor me, please indulge me while I play victim just a wee bit longer, k?) Just because I made some freakin' huge ass stupid mistakes? Doesn't everyone? Just because I allowed him to hoover me (as in the vacuum cleaner, sucking me back in) after I tried to end it last time, and I made promises that I've realized I'm just unable to keep? At what point is enough enough? At what point do I just tuck my tail and say yes, I screwed up and I have no excuse for it, but what's done is done, and I'm not doing it anymore? I can't just allow my monumental mistakes hold me prisoner forever out of some sort of deranged sense of obligation. There is life beyond Bubba, it may be unimaginably scary and difficult, but the thought of freedom, the sense of day to day relief from not having to walk on eggshells makes all the scary shit sound so worthwhile. To be able to think and feel however I like without fear of reprimand or consequence. To live by rules of my own making, answering only to myself, and being soley responsible for whatever choices I make in life. I want it, I can taste it, I crave it.

I've begun discussing things with my mom via email. I just couldn't face her over the phone as my shame was too profound and I feared my voice would betray me. It's bad enough what a blubbering mess I am just trying to write the difficult words, imagine how incomprehensible they would be were I to actually try to speak them. She has been wonderful, offering advice and wisdom through her own experiences in divorcing my dad. Of course, he was nothing like my husband as Bub is truly one of a kind, but I can relate to her experiences from the standpoint of having to start anew with kids and bills and the fear of jumping head first into the vast unknown. She's said that she wishes she could rush out here, hold my hand, and make it all better. Oh dear god, what an appealing thought! If only she could come sweep me away and make all the bad stuff disappear, it would be so much easier. But that's just my problem, I'm always looking for the easy way out. Sure, she could fly out here and hold my hand. I'm sure she would help me pay for an experienced divorce lawyer, help me find and set up a new place to live, be with me when it comes to breaking the news to Bub so I wouldn't be alone and he wouldn't feel like he could react in his natural manner. She could help me pack and move and deal with all the overwhelming details. And what would I get from all of her wonderful support and help? Another easy way out, another excuse to not have to deal with my life all by myself. What lesson would I learn if I don't do this myself? I've always relied on others to take care of the truly hard stuff for me, and this would certainly be no exception, but damn if the thought doesn't just appeal to my very core! Perhaps I need not be a martyr, maybe it's really is okay to just ask my mommy for help and let her make it all better. Oh, if only it were that easy! But if I don't learn to stand on my own two feet then how will I ever be able learn from my mistakes and not repeat them in the future? I do wish she, or someone, could just make it all go away though. Just wake up tomorrow and all the difficult deeds would be done. No second guessing and trying to gear myself up for whatever is to come. Over and done with, and on to deal with whatever may happen next. It seems easier for me to deal with whatever is happening once the ball is actually rolling because by that point I have no choice but to deal, but getting to that point is where I freeze up. I tend to put off taking action until the last possible moment, the point at which I have no choice but to do something about it. Again, it's that idea of letting the choice be taken out of my hands, maybe as a way to avoid taking responsibility for it?

Well, since I'm obviously rambling in an attempt to clear my confuzzled head, I'll offer yet another little tidbit I've been kicking around for a while now. What if I'm just idealizing the dissolution of this horrible marriage in much the same way I've come to realize I did for losing the weight? What if I've been telling myself that staying with Bub is all that is holding me back from finding happiness, and that getting out of this marriage would automatically solve all of life's problems like I thought being skinny would do? See where I'm going with this? I realized, much to my shock and amazement that being thin was not the end all beat all, and that all of the problems that I had so conveniently blamed on obesity were still oppressively present after shedding 190 lbs., only now they were no longer covered in layer upon layer of protective fat. So, of course, I have to wonder if I'm placing the same kind of expectations on life after Bub? What if I find out that I really am the root of all my problems?? What if I really am selfish and incompetent, thoughtless and uncaring, stupid and naive, and unable to make it on my own? A bad mother, a bad wife, a bad person in general. What if I really do have lacking communication skills and still continue to put others off by my standoffish behavior? What if I've just been blaming and resenting him for everything that's wrong in my life, even though I've said that I take full responsibility for my mistakes, choices and actions, what if deep down, I still pin all my unhappiness on him, when it's really me who has the problems? So then I have to wonder, what if I actually do follow through and finally put an end to this marriage only to discover that I'm just as miserable as I was before, but now I have to deal with being miserable all on my own, with my own financial obligations, the struggle of being a single mom, and living through the hell of divorcing and fighting a custody and character battle with Bub, and dragging poor Em through hell and back? What if I realize that it really wasn't worth all the pain and hurt, and that I was actually better off just trying get by with things as they are? What if I realize that I alone have turned all of our worlds upsidedown for nothing? That I'm still just the miserable shell of a woman that I've always been, only now straddled with guilt and remorse, and a resentful daughter to boot? Dear god, what could I be getting myself into? How do I know if I'm doing the right thing when I've proven to be so obviously shrouded in denial and resentment? Or am I just caught up in second guessing myself because after years of trying so diligently not to mess up, I can't even freakin' decide for myself what's right or wrong anymore? Ugh! I wish someone could just tell me, here, this is what you have to do, and this is how you have to do it, and that's it, no looking back. I wish I had a goddamned backbone and could freakin' start to act like the grown-ass, almost 29 year old woman that I am, instead of some scared little child who solves her problems by ignoring them and waiting for others to fix it all for her. Why do I have to make this so fucking hard? Why why why, blah blah blah! Okay, even I'm sick of hearing myself bitch and moan, so I'm done... for now. ;D


Anonymous Jilly said...

Yep, you're almost there. Your entry was me over 20 years ago (my daughter was even the same age). Those dreams of waking up and it all being a done deal. Those creeping doubts that you're jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Its all part of the process, my dear. An important part, because it means you're going in informed, aware and not doing something rash (ummm, not that you'd do anything rash ;)

As for the weight thing, I understand even though our circumstances were different. You know I didn't gain my weight until later in life, so I knew losing weight didn't necessarily mean happiness in itself. After all, I lived my most miserable years as a thin person. Even so, when I was losing weight I would tell myself I'd feel so much better about life once I was thin. Its a handy, simplistic thing to keep you going. Same with the concept of life being an immediate bed of roses once you're divorced. No, you do exchange one set of worries for another, for awhile at least, but even if the blue bird of happiness is shitting all over you at first, as least you're your own person and its easier to go from there than only going where someone else allows you (literally and figuratively).

By the way, if your mum or anyone else who has been in your shoes and has the benefit of the experience is able to come out and help you organize things, I don't see that as a cop out at all. Hell, when the time comes I'd be more than happy to come down there and help you check out apts, lawyers and help pack (and then I can try that yogurt you're always talking about that we don't get here! ;)

You KNOW in your heart you're a good person. A good mother. An intelligent person who is capable of surviving and prospering. When the inner fat chick, the inner martyr, the inner shy girl or the inner whatever that holds you back tries to take over, you've got the power to shut it up now cuz I think you've really figured some things out! Now you've got the proper mindset I'm going to sit back and not nag about WHEN its going to happen. When you're ready, it will. Wow, it really will. Wheeeeee.

P.S. - Standoffish? The Bev I hung out with in Chicago??? :p

1:43 PM  
Blogger chryscat said...

Listen to me very carefully.

A selfish, fucked-up individual wouldn't give a tinker's damn about anyone else. That's not you.
You're a good person in a bad situation.
Do NOT settle. LIVE!!!~

7:41 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

Wow Beverly. You really have come a long, long way. Jill said it best and I totally agree with her advice that if you mom wants to come out and help you are not copping out and having her rescue you. It is still your decision to make this step and it's not one she can make for you.

Good luck in all this and remember I'm not too far of a drive away either should you need me there.

11:25 AM  
Anonymous Aunt Sandy said...

It is NOT a cop-out to let your mom come and give you a hand. Nothing in the rules says you have to go through this alone. You have a support system in place here and we are all eager to help with advise if needed and asked for, a place to stay if that is needed and wanted and even some connections for possible jobs, if that is what you want. No need to appologize. You are NOT copping out!
Good for you! Keep it up!

12:22 PM  
Blogger Luflic said...

Being a happily married woman for 33 years perhaps I don't have the right to comment here. But my opinion is I am glad this decision is giving you concern. I appreciate that this is not an easy decision and I would love for you to talk to someone professionally and check out all your options. Marriage can be such a great thing. I wish everyone the happiness I have in my marriage. So girl. Will pray you do what is best for ALL concerned. You sound to me like a fantastic mom. You sound very caring. Best to you.

12:22 PM  
Anonymous Jilly said...

Of course you're right, luflic, marriage can be a great thing ... as long as you're with the right person. It took me almost a decade to admit to myself and accept that my first marriage couldn't possibly bring happiness to anyone involved. I didn't toss aside my marriage vows easily. But there comes a time when you know you can't throw your life away.

I never thought that the right person would come along and show me that my expectations and dreams could be reality, but come along he did and now I'm so grateful to be experiencing what a true relationship is all about. Its great that you got it right the first time, luflic. Those who didn't certainly deserve a second chance.

33 years, wow! I bet its been 33 years of mutual respect, compromise, true partnership, love and affection. Congrats! :)

1:58 PM  

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