Monday, January 30, 2006

Holy shit!

Well now, isn't this an interesting turn of events? My shameful little secrets exposed to those who I sought to keep them from most. Hmmmm, where shall I even begin? You know all those plates I've got so conveniently spinning up in the air? Yeah well, I am detecting a very distinct wobble indicative of the whole lot to inevitably come crashing down. Which, I knew would always happen in just a matter of time, of course, yet I natively assumed it would be later rather than sooner. But that's precisely what I get for my typical ostrich act when the going gets tough, now isn't it? I am, needless to say, having tremendous difficulty in processing the realization that my two worlds (both online and off) have now officially collided in such profound and intimate way, as anyone who regularly reads my blog must surely have known and fully expected. In fact, I imagine that more than a few of you are quite surprised to even see me back here today. But I am here, and will continue to be, for this blog is a part of me now, and I am unwilling to let my self-imposed shame prevent me from using it for it's intended purpose, a desperately needed therapeutic means to an end. In fact, to tell you the truth, I find myself thinking how entirely ironic and appropriate it is that this "intervention" of sorts has occurred at a time when, perhaps, I needed it most. As I've stated before, I believe that everything happens for a reason, so it should come as no surprise that the very thing which may ultimately propel me into action, be the one thing which I have so obviously feared the most; my private shame being exposed in such a public way, to those whose opinions I hold in the highest regard. But maybe that's the only thing that really could have spurred me into action y'know? Perhaps I needed the decision to be taken out of my hands, else I likely would never find the courage to make the first move on my own. I've honestly been waiting for something like this to happen, well... maybe not this, precisely, (cringe) but something that would ultimately force my hand in finally doing something about my life. I have to admit though, ever since I first discovered that my "cover" had been blown, I've been in a battle with myself not to go back through each and every entry to re-live what I thought were my unassuming words, but now in an entirely new light, that of the perspective of loved ones learning for the first time, things I honestly never intended for them to know. But I refuse to beat myself up for these things which I have no control over. My words are my truth and I must be willing to accept ownership of them if I expect to enjoy the right and privilege of sharing them in such a unique way. So, re-living my past entries would only prove to be detrimental to my process of getting through this difficult time, and quite frankly pointless anyway, so I have vowed to just let that sleeping dog lie, in favor of only positive and constructive forward motion.

Now, to my beloved Aunt Sandy, thank you so much for your unconditional love and support, as well as your obvious and completely understandable concern for my well being. Second, you will have to forgive me my initial reaction of appalled devastation to the knowledge that these, the most intimate details of my life, which I had absolutely no intention of ever sharing with anyone in my "real" life, being exposed to those I least expected to see, and have worked so hard to keep guarded from. I guess you could say I freaked a bit, but that would be a gross understatement, to say the least. Now, just to be clear here, I am in no way angry or hurt by any of this. After all, I'm the one who proudly displayed my blog link in my 3fc siggy for all the world to see, just inviting any who happened upon it to come on by and partake in dissecting the craziness of my life. Of course I always knew that something like this was a possibility, especially considering that my mom knows all about my presence at 3fc, as she's the one who funded my fabulous trip to Chicago with three of my beloved 3fc comrades, Sandi, Jilly and Jiffy in May of '04. But by the time I started this blog, I'd assumed that the novelty had all but worn off, and that she couldn't possibly still frequent the site enough to ever take notice of my tiny little blog link. I did not, however, consider the now obvious idea that she would then pass along the site information in all of it's wonderfully supportive glory, to her sister, my Aunt, who has, herself, struggled with a lifetime of weight related issues as well. My Aunt, who in her own right, has proven to be a weight loss master having shed her own impressive 90-some pounds through the fantastic and worthwhile Weight Watchers program, while managing to keep it off for several years now. Little did I know, as both she and my mom live too far away for even sporadic visits, that my Aunt has once again found herself in need weight loss support, as a few pesky pounds may have inadvertently crept back on. Pounds which I have every confidence shall soon be banished again forever, knowing my Aunt's formidable strength and determination. So, of course, it seems only natural that she would check out the wonderful forum which was, and still is so instrumental in my own journey, right? However, as naive as it may sound, I honestly never once even considered such a scenario, and happily posted away all my most intimate thoughts and experiences, just assuming that this most vital and ultimately destructive link would surely never be made. Boy, was I ever wrong about that one! So now, here I am, left to lick my wounds and try to deal with what is, to me, an almost unbearable situation. One that can only be likened to that of an unsuspecting mother dragging her young daughter's topsecret schoolgirl's diary out from under the safe confines of her mattress and discovering that, not only is she flunking Algebra and has now taken up smoking, but that she is also no longer an innocent flower, having lost her most precious virginity to boot. My god, the absolute horror! My skin still crawls each time I allow my mind to wander upon it for any length of time. So, like I said, I'm not dealing with this very well. But, I am here, and my profound shame has not yet taken the very breath from my body, so maybe, just maybe survival after complete and utter mortification really is possible. But that still remains to be seen. ;D So, where to go from here? Good question. I suppose a fiercely honest conversation with my mother, complete with full disclosure on my part, is most certainly in order, as she is obviously concerned, and rightly so. But I just don't think I can deal with that right now. The fact that these things are so difficult for me to explain or even speak aloud has in no way changed just because they are now out in the open. I am still unable to find the words to accurately describe my personal shame about the way in which I have allowed myself to live and be treated. I feel as though I would only be left frustrated by the inadequacy of the words I could use describe my situation. But perhaps that kind of explanation is unnecessary, perhaps the knowledge of my profound unhappiness is all that is needed to validate my desire to put an end to this misery. I guess I never really thought about it from that light. Maybe the specifics don't really matter as much as I think they do. After all, it's my life, and if I say I'm unhappy then I am, and I shouldn't expect to have to prove why to anyone. I guess I just feel the need for validation due to Bub's unwillingness to accept that this honestly may not be the life that is meant for us, regardless of whether I've lived up to his standards of trying to make it work or not. That and because of his insistence that all of our problems come down to some inherent communication flaw within me, and has,nor will never accept responsibility for his part in this because he honestly doesn't believe there to by anything wrong with his way of thinking. And perhaps there's not anything wrong with it, after all, if I like me just the way I am, then who's to say that the way he is isn't perfectively acceptable as well, at least to himself anyway? But therein lies the problem; the "way" he is and the "way" I am, simply cannot mesh and co-exist with any harmony. We simply do not work together, and at this point I don't care to even try anymore. It occurs to me that while I have learned to accept him for who he is, regardless of whether he can or ever will do the same for me, my problem is that I just cannot continue to abide by the structure of that with which "who he is" demands. In doing so for so long, I have only succeeded in blurring my personal boundaries and losing acceptance of who I truly am in the process. I'm honestly happy that he is content with the man he has become, but I need to be content who I am as well, and I don't believe that can ever be possible as long as I continue to remain with him and am willing to accept this, what I deem to be, unacceptable treatment. But here I go, merely trying justify and validate my feelings again. Why do I feel such an emphatic need to do that, I wonder? Anyway, I'm simply rambling now, so I'll stop for the time being. But, like I said, I will be back. Although I can't promise that my blogging style will not change in any way knowing that it's not so anonymous as I once natively believed. But I will promise to try to remain true to myself and not allow any perceived judgment on my part prevent me from speaking that truth. This will be extremely difficult for me, I'm sure, but I do vow to try, I swear. So, that's it I guess. Now I'm off to bury my head in the sand once again, and try to pretend that my life has not just been irrecoverably changed forever. Yeah, we'll see how well that one ends up working for me, won't we?

7 Comments:

Anonymous Aunt Sandy said...

Bev,
OMG! Never intended to cause so much pain. And certainly didn't want you to change your blog style in any way on my account. You are an adult and you have every right to say what you want when you want. No judging, no unwanted advice, no scolding. I am here for you and I really feel that you are strong and capable. Keep up the good work, keep up the honesty.
Hugs and more hugs,
Aunt Sandy

12:19 PM  
Blogger B said...

You haven't caused anything m'dear, I am simply reacting (in my typical fashion) to a highly unexpected situation. Again, thank you so much for your unconditional love and support, it means the world to me!! And please don't feel the least bit bad, as you've done absolutely nothing to be sorry about.

Love you and hugs right back at you,
Beverly

12:52 PM  
Anonymous Jilly said...

Whew....I've been holding my breath so long I must be a brilliant shade of blue! I was so afraid you'd stop posting, but here you are in all your thoughtful, perceptive, intuitive glory and showing the strength and attitude you've been building up and up over the months since starting this blog. I'm so proud of you!

12:53 PM  
Blogger Luflic said...

I am so proud of you Beverly! Have to tell you when I read last Thursday I gasped and was worried I would never hear from you again. You are showing what you are truly made of girl. Proud of you!! Kuddos!

3:23 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

I saw the same thing as luflic last Thursday and I know you've been online giving me wonderful advice and narry a word from you. I think deep down many of us fear that someone from the "real" world will stumble upon our digs online. Although I've always treated my life as an open book anyway, I would probably react in much the same way as you.

I think it just goes to show you how much you have grown that you are able to overcome that "fear" and still be able to put one heartfelt post after the initial shock wore off.

5:11 PM  
Anonymous Sandi said...

Whew!! I am also glad that you are back. I know this isn't exactly what you expected, but I can't help but wonder...what it might bring...

You are such a strong, amazing person. I know you'll figure this out!

(((HUGS)))
Sandi :)

6:52 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Again, I have nothing significant to add....just my friendship and support. I look forward to reading you every day, and if you stopped posting....well, I hope you don't stop....

7:39 AM  

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