Thursday, January 26, 2006

My confession

First of all, thank you to everyone for your wonderful support and for allowing a girl to wallow. I am feeling more myself now, with no more of that weepy-eyed emotional mess, just truckin along as always.

To Sandy (with a Y), a new and deeply appreciated commenter here, please forgive me but I feel as if I must surely "know" you, but I'm having trouble placing you. Did you find my blog through 3fc, perhaps? I'm dying to know and it drives me nuts when I can't place someone like this, so please, do tell.

Now, on to my confession...

I completely and utterly oinked my way through a planned "treat" meal last night, and I have no qualms saying so! My vice, the one place where I consider portion control futile, the greatly desired, much anticipated, once in a while complete free for all, no holds barred trip to the evil... Chinese buffet. Noooooooo! Now, just to qualify, this is always a planned treat meal, absolutely never a spur of the moment kind of deal. I knew it was coming, I planned for it, ate light, exercised more, and quite honestly, I allowed myself to go hog fucking wild. When I do go there I bring with me absolutely no intention of "being good" whatsoever, because I know that I want it all, and I simply will not be satisfied if I try to behave myself, and believe me, I've tried, ohhhhh how I've tried! It's just not worth it for me to try to deny myself when it comes to this place, so I decided a long time ago that this would be my "treat" meal, and that I would never, ever take it lightly. This is something that I plan for and refuse to allow myself to dwell on and beat myself up about afterwards. I am 100% OP pretty much most of the time (not all, of course, but most) so one gluttonous meal, every couple of months, is something that I feel completely content with, and I plan to continue it for as long as it truly appeals to me. Of course, I knew I would be completely miserable afterwards, (I always am) but by golly, each delectable rich and savory bite, right down to the last few, almost sickening ones, was worth every freakin' bit of misery! Gaaaaawd, I love that stuff! And you know what's sad? When I know I'm about to reach my limit, the maximum level of stuffedfulledness my poor tummy can handle, I almost feel sad because I know that my enjoyment of these foods is just about over for the time being, and because I know I won't be indulging in them again for quite a while. So it's like I'm anticipating the loss, almost mourning it as if I were about to say goodbye to a special friend that I know I won't see for a few months. Geez, talk about food addiction! It's silly really, but it's honestly how I feel.

Anyway, I'm still in the process of trying to up my poundage a little bit since my excessive consumption of peanut butter toast after my vile little stomach virus didn't quite seem to do the trick, so I thought, what the hell, let's pound a little General Tsao's and Orange shrimp, and see if we can't pack on a few, y'know? And you know what I get for gorging on all that sodium, carb and sugar, fat filled exquisitely sinful garbage? 1 pound, I'm up one measly pound. And that's probably just due to the freakin' sodium content and will fall back off anyway! WTF?!

*Note to everyone who reads this blog and struggles with your own food demons; I love you all so much and your support means the world to me, so please, please don't take my constant whining and bitching about trying to gain weight the wrong way. All along, my overall goal has been to simply achieve optimal health, and I honestly feel that in order to really achieve that goal, I need to add a little padding beneath my too thin skin. So even though it seems so wrong and may go against everything that we, as fat (or formally fat) chicks believe in, I do think it's necessary and I struggle greatly with accomplishing it because of that, hence the whining and bitching. So forgive me if my quest seems somewhat trivial. I know I'd sure be thinking "get over yourself already, this is a problem I'd like to have!", were the roles reversed. So please, don't hate the playa, just hate the game! ;D Good lord, I didn't really just write that, did I? Oy vey!

So anyway, I had my treat meal, I feel satisfied and content and have not allowed my gross overindulgence to influence my normal food and exercise routine in the slightest today, nor have I obsessed about it at all. I'm back to the grind as always, and for now, shall simply look forward to my next planned, and as always, highly anticipated excursion to evil world of the Chinese buffet. Mmmmmm, Chinese... YUM!!! ;D


Blogger Dawnyal said...

i love chinese buffet too. I have one coworker who can't stand it so we don't go there unless she's not eating with us (which isn't often.) Aren't wontons to die for? :D

Please don't apologize for you complaining about trying to gain some weight back. To me that would be harder than the losing almost 200 freaking pounds in the first place. You have worked so hard getting all those healthy habits in place to keep you thin and healthy and now you are trying to abandon them or at least not be as strict with them, I would be just a freaking out as you if not moreso.
My fear of gaining it all back and not just the 5-10 you are wanting would about consume me.

4:15 PM  
Anonymous Aunt Sandy said...

Well, actually I have known you for awhile. Since you were a baby as a matter of fact. I went to 3fc to see what helped you make such a chnge in your weight. I am very proud of you and your accomplishments. You are an inspiration to me. I plan to do a journal there and to see if I can reconnect with the thinner me again. I do wish I could help you with your very unhappy marriage too though. I don't have a blog or a web page but I do have an email address that I think you already know. Let me know how you feel about having your aunt as a weightloss partner.
hugs and more hugs,
Aunt Sandy

6:19 PM  
Anonymous HeatherW said...

I can totally relate about the chinese buffet. When I go, I try to get mostly white rice and then sample 2 or 3 of my fave chicken dishes,.. like general Tso's, rose Chicken, etc..

of course like you, I don't get to go very often but it is so yummy when I do. I am not supposed to have all that sodium but I'll eat light for a few days leading up to it ;-)

Don't worry about griping about gaining. It's your blog and you can gripe if you want to! I can imagine that it would be very difficult to try to gain after being in that weight loss mode for so long!

4:31 PM  

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