Tuesday, January 24, 2006

*Warning, the following is just me feeling completely sorry for myself and choosing this outlet as a way to express it. Sometimes a girl just needs to wallow in her own self pity for a while, y'know. So please don't mind me, for this too shall pass.

I'm not coping with anything very well right now. I feel so lost and hopeless. I'm teary-eyed and unmotivated, and quite frankly just want to belly up to the kitchen bar and stuff away any conscious thought under mounds of carb/sugar/fat laden foods. I just want to hide and pretend I have another life. I'm sad, and I'm tired, and I'm having a bad day. I wish I were stronger. I wish I felt like there was at least a chance of finding freedom and happiness. And I know that it's possible, I just don't feel like I can do it. I wish someone could just take my hand and do it all for me, which is completely typical of me, always looking for the easy way out. But that's how I feel. You know what's funny? I keep thinking, with how depressed I'm feeling, it seems only natural to have at least some suicidal thoughts right? But I don't feel that way at all, not even a little. It has absolutely nothing to do with not wanting to live, and has everything to do with wanting to feel alive! I know that I could have such a full and wonderful life if I choose to, so that thought alone, that little glimmer of hope, keeps me going and makes me want to live to the absolute fullest. I know that I'm meant for better things than this miserable marriage, I just don't know how to get here from there. Well, I guess I know, I'm just too fucking scared to try. So yes, I know it can be done, I just don't believe that I can do it.

I guess I need to try to try to work. I really need to stay out of the fucking kitchen. And most of all, I need to learn how to believe in myself if I'm ever gonna have a chance at that glimmer of hope. But for now, I'm just gonna work on making it through today. I think I can, I think I can! Said the little engine who could. ;D


Anonymous Sandy said...

Yes, you can stay out of the kitchen. Be strong!
Some days it is just very hard, I know.
I'll stay out of my kitchen if you'll stay out of yours.
Wallowing is a good thing too somtimmes. Wallow all you want.

Hugs again,

6:14 PM  
Anonymous jilly said...

Yes! wallow, wallow, wallow! Its good for the soul and for the spirit once in a while. After all, we can only hold it all in to a certain point before having to let it all spill out in one big blubbery release.

P.S. You ARE strong ~ you're constantly showing us that. xoxox

10:55 PM  
Anonymous Sandi said...

I think we all have those kinds of days. Maybe it's so that we come down a notch and can really think and get focus.

I won't tell you to stay out of the kitchen because I know you will.

Take a hot bath, read a book and tomorrow will be a brighter day!

Sandi :)

8:20 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

If losing 190 lbs doesn't make you strong, I don't know what does!

You CAN get through this!! Lean on us for support!

10:18 AM  
Blogger Luflic said...

Heard that January 24th is suppose to be the most depressing day of the year. Perhaps that has something to do with it!

1:08 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

I agree with the others. Sometimes we just need a good wallowing. ((BIG HUG)) This will pass.

1:20 PM  

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