*Warning, the following is just me feeling completely sorry for myself and choosing this outlet as a way to express it. Sometimes a girl just needs to wallow in her own self pity for a while, y'know. So please don't mind me, for this too shall pass.

I'm not coping with anything very well right now. I feel so lost and hopeless. I'm teary-eyed and unmotivated, and quite frankly just want to belly up to the kitchen bar and stuff away any conscious thought under mounds of carb/sugar/fat laden foods. I just want to hide and pretend I have another life. I'm sad, and I'm tired, and I'm having a bad day. I wish I were stronger. I wish I felt like there was at least a chance of finding freedom and happiness. And I know that it's possible, I just don't feel like I can do it. I wish someone could just take my hand and do it all for me, which is completely typical of me, always looking for the easy way out. But that's how I feel. You know what's funny? I keep thinking, with how depressed I'm feeling, it seems only natural to have at least some suicidal thoughts right? But I don't feel that way at all, not even a little. It has absolutely nothing to do with not wanting to live, and has everything to do with wanting to feel alive! I know that I could have such a full and wonderful life if I choose to, so that thought alone, that little glimmer of hope, keeps me going and makes me want to live to the absolute fullest. I know that I'm meant for better things than this miserable marriage, I just don't know how to get here from there. Well, I guess I know, I'm just too fucking scared to try. So yes, I know it can be done, I just don't believe that I can do it.

I guess I need to try to try to work. I really need to stay out of the fucking kitchen. And most of all, I need to learn how to believe in myself if I'm ever gonna have a chance at that glimmer of hope. But for now, I'm just gonna work on making it through today. I think I can, I think I can! Said the little engine who could. ;D