Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Who'da thought?

I've been in contact with my local women's shelter, via email, in regards to my, ah-em situation w/Bub, just for advice, support, y'know, to get an idea of what kind of services they provide, etc. And in our correspondence I requested a recommendation or referral for a good lawyer, well versed in dealing the the type of man that Bub is, because I know how vital it is to have someone on my side who won't be taken in by his manipulation, and can stand up to him in a way that I seem incapable of. Anyway, one of the wonderful women I've been in contact with got back to me today with a referral to, get this, the one and only lawyer in town who Bub just happens to know personally, and would likely choose as counsel himself! Aack!! In her email, she said she would be contacting this attorney tomorrow (Thursday) to give him the lowdown on my situation and to let him know to expect my call. Double aack!! I wrote her back and asked her to please not contact him, and to let me know if, in fact, she already had, so I can do some damage control. Of course, I'm sure this attorney would never betray my confidence, but I just can't see going to someone who Bub as already snowballed with his nice-guy charade. Plus, they're friendly and it would just be awkward. And that's not even considering the fact that Bub would see it as a spiteful and intentional personal attack on my part, to retain the lawyer he would most likely want to use, before he had a chance to do so himself, y'know? Anyway, I asked her if there is anyone else in town who she would recommend, and now I'm anxiously awaiting her reply. Keep your fingers crossed that she hasn't already contacted him about me, cause that's the last freakin' thing I need right now! Oy vey!

I'm still at a dilemma about how, exactly, I would go about implementing my escape plan. This is why I want to consult an attorney, to see what my options are, and what they would recommend. I have questions about custody, and residency, especially right at first. Do I move out, and if so, is it legal to take Em with me? Cause that's the ONLY way I would ever go, as I'm not about to just leave her with him. Can I force him to leave? Can I do something to protect myself from having to be alone with him after he is made aware of my intentions? There's a million things I need to know and do before any action can be taken. I have to know that we will be protected and that there's no way possible for him to take Em from me. Not that I think he really could, but it is imperative that I'm 100% sure. I simply refuse to take any chances with her. Anyway, I guess I need to prepare a list of questions, although I'm not sure what all of them should be exactly, as I've never actually done this before, so any suggestions would be welcome and greatly appreciated! ;D

I also wonder how much of an explanation I should give to Bub, if any at all? Should I just say, I don't love you and that this isn't up for discussion? Or should I try to explain or justify my reasons, as if any explanation would suffice? I also wonder how much responsibility I should take for his dependence on me? I mean, do I just say tough titty, figure out how to transport yourself around, it's not my problem anymore? I know he'll say I'm ruining him by leaving, that he couldn't possibly keep his job or live on his own, blah blah blah. I'm sure he'll quit his only "real" job and blame it on me, which would, of course, make his income virtually untraceable, thus making the idea of child support merely a whimsical dream. But I know I can't count on any support from him, and frankly, I don't really relish the idea of having to rely on him for for anything, let alone money, once I get myself out of this mess. Ahhh, the thought of true independence, I wonder what that's like?? Probably not all it's cracked up to be, right? Well, I'll just have to find out for myself, now won't I?? ;D Y'know, it almost sounds as if my mind is made up, doesn't it? Hmmmm, not sure I'd go there just yet, but I sure as hell don't see how I could ever go back to that place of doomed resignation and acceptance of a lot in life that, quite frankly, is not worth living. I guess the time is coming for me to take some real, decisive action, and either shit or get off the pot, right? Yikes! Okay, off to bury my head in the sand once again. JK! ;D


Blogger chryscat said...

I know how hard this is. BELIEVE ME!
Anything you say to Bub will not matter much. He'll put his spin on things anyway, right?
Definitely consult a lawyer and get your part ironed out FIRST. That way you have a plan of sorts. The only way to go.
Child support? *snort* If that's all your worried about...let it go. I should know. The ex owes me around $20,000 if not more for the girls.

4:44 PM  
Anonymous jilly said...

Glad you didn't see the whole "Bub's lawyer friend" thing as a sign to scare you off! Seems to me you already have all the right questions to ask the lawyer. I'm not up on American matrimonial law (here you can divorce without grounds of any kind after a separation of a year). I'm sure your attorney will draw up a separation agreement dealing with division of matrimonial assets, income, support and custody, so that it can be incorporated right into the divorce judgment.

If the daddy who told Emmy he loved her as he kissed her forehead while watching tv really does, he'll ensure she doesn't suffer because he's bitter towards you. If he doesn't, it can come back to bite him in the arse anyway. My daughter took her dad to court to help pay for post-grad schooling and won a sizeable judgement (over the years his income had increased substantially over that when we were married).

As for an explanation to Bub, yes you do owe him one, but I don't think it need be any more than saying that you've decided you can't live your life under his constraints anymore and are not willing to adhere to his standards of how you should think and conduct yourself; that you're unhappy, can't see any possibility of that changing and feel there's no future together.

I'm sure you'll explore every avenue, be informed and find out every possible thing you need to know so you can go into this with confidence!

7:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I'm a lawyer in a different state so I can't give you legal advice, although I wish I could. Here are some websites that have general information about the grounds for divorce in Arkansas (that's where you are, right?) that might give you a head start on thinking about things. Look at the second site. Read the list of grounds, especially #6 in the third paragraph.

Also, when you go see a lawyer, take tax returns for about the three previous years, plus whatever you have so far for 2005, full return or just the w-2s/1099s.

Good luck, sweetie.

3:30 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

Wow you really have come a long long way. If you think it would do some good to talk to him and explain your reasons then by all means do so. If you think you would just be wasting your breath just tell him with all his great abilities at communicating and knowing people he should've seen this coming. :)

3:43 PM  
Anonymous Sandi said...


I think you are making great strides here! I am so very proud of you!!!

I do think that you owe him an explination. He needs to understand why the situation is no longer one that you are willing to tolerate. He needs to hear that this decision did not come lightly. What you don't need to do is place blame. Just the facts baby.

Go Beverly. I know you can do this!!

6:05 PM  
Blogger Elmay said...

In my experience, breaking up with someone who was a control freak and who didn't want our relationship to end, no explanation was satisfactory. This is where that book "Emotional Blackmail" came in very handy to me -- as my partner brought up every tactic they mentioned, I was able to just use the response from the book. I agree with giving him an explanation as to why -- I just wouldn't count on him understanding, appreciating, agreeing with, or validating your explanation. Just my $0.02...

7:25 PM  
Anonymous HeatherW said...


So glad to see that you are reaching out, getting information and getting that ball rolling.

I don't have experience in this type of thing but I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and I know you can do this!

10:01 AM  

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