Friday, February 24, 2006

I'm finally feeling better, thank goodness! It looks like I've survived yet again. You're right Jilly, I have been sick a lot lately. My mom thinks it's stress induced, like my immune system is down or something. I guess I can see that. She called the other day, I could tell she wanted to talk 'bout "stuff" but I kinda blew her off, choosing instead to ramble about all the unimportant goings on of our daily lives. I just couldn't deal with "real" talking right then, (like I'm ever up for such a thing) not feeling the way I was, not being in the state of mind I was (and still am) in. So, I blew her off, but she understood, as always. She knows how difficult it is for me to talk about my personal life, especially the not so pleasant stuff. She understands because she's the same way. It's easier or less painful to just deal with stuff yourself, y'know? She wants me to confide in her, but she also doesn't want to push. She gives me my space and I appreciate her for that, but at the same time I wish she would take charge and say I'm your mother, tell me everything that's going on, right now! But then again, I'm always looking for someone else to take charge, so now I guess it's time for ME to take charge.

I was feeling some (some? heh, A LOT) of anger on the Gazelle this morning. I could feel it welling up inside of me and I wanted to just rage! I wanted to kick and scream and cry and hit something! I wanted to forget about thinking and planning and worrying and deciding. I wanted to just say screw it and go file for divorce and let whatever is gonna happen next, just happen. I wanted to let loose the next time he starts in on me and say STOP IT! Just fucking stop it and shut the hell up already! I hate you and I'm done and I want out, NOW! It's like I'm never gonna do anything about this unless I just step off the edge of that cliff and let it happen. I'm never gonna be ready for it, I'm never gonna feel like I can handle it. So why do I just keep waiting around like something is gonna magically change on it's own? Maybe I should just do the deed and deal with whatever happens next. Maybe I should just allow myself to snap one day and rage back at him for a change. But the thing is, if I do either of these, then I had better be ready to follow through with it. There is no going back if I were to ever say how I truly feel during one of his rants/lectures. I'm pretty sure I would have to have him removed from the situation if I did something like that. In the past he's held me captive, sometimes physically restraining me from walking away, but mostly psychologically, once I gave up trying to remove myself, for hours on end. Relentless, just relentless, until I would finally come to see the light, until I would give in and apologize and agree how what I did was so wrong, disrespectful and hurtful, and promise to try to do better next time. Except now the promises don't mean anything to him cause he's heard it all before. So now he doesn't want to hear any promises or I'm sorry's, now he just wants me to fix it, and show him, prove to him through my actions and thought processes that I am working on what's broken about me and trying to actually change it or fix it.

Wow, I wasn't planning on going into all that again, but it just kind of came out, so there it is. What I was trying to express is what I feel may have to happen if I were to tell him to stop next time. If I were to say that I am ending this conversation and then refuse to engage him. But this time, instead of allowing him to badger me into discussing it, or allowing him to continue on after I've said I was ending the conversation, or allowing him to restrain me if I tried to walk away, what if this time I didn't put up with it and simply called the police to have him removed if he refused to stop? Maybe that's what it would take, y'know? To finally set this all into motion? It seems so pathetic though. Like I can't deal with it, like I don't have the balls to take charge of my own life and go through the regular procedures. It seems like just another way I can run away and let someone else take care of the dirty work. But at least he would know, THIS is why, y'know? Rather than just filing and blindsiding him with divorce papers. I dunno, but I do know that I want out, period. I'm just not sure how to go about doing it yet. I want to do whatever will cause the least amount of confrontation and mess, but the thing is, it's gonna be messy, no matter what I do. It's gonna be messy and nasty and painful and uncomfortable, and it's gonna feel like it's killing me and that I simply can't take it anymore. But wait, isn't that how I'm feeling now? So, what's the difference? The difference is that as it is now, nothing is changing and I will likely continue to feel this way indefinitely. But, if I just take that leap, step off the edge and land where I may, I will still feel this way... but for how long? There will, at least, still be change, there will be an end to it somewhere on the horizon, a looming resolution to it all at some point. So by taking a chance and implementing some action, the feeling will have no choice but to give way eventually, right? And then I can be free of it, once and for all. It's just a matter of taking that leap, of getting from here to there without worrying about it killing me in the process and allowing my fears to continue holding me back. I feel like I'm on the edge, just wishing I had the courage to jump, yet somehow knowing deep down that I probably never will. Just a little nudge, one small step, that's all it would take. So why does it feel so insurmountable?

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The only advice I can give you is this: No good can come from waiting, not for you, not for him, even. The sooner you get this over with, the sooner you will be on the way to a new life. Why waste another day?

2:56 PM  
Blogger chryscat said...

Not insurmountable, love. Just a struggle. And I'm sure that's not what you want to hear after having this internal and external struggle going on nonstop. But it's the precipice you have to push past in order to live your life. I can't tell you how to do it. Because each of us is different. And you'll know when it's the right time. The right place. And you'll be that much better for it.
Hugs*

5:15 PM  
Anonymous Aunt Sandy said...

You are so close to that step. Don't doubt yourself. You are a very intellegent woman and you will come out of this so much more whole and intact. It sounds like you have all the tools to work with. You have nailed your feelings down and you have the right words to say to him. Rip that band-aid off. If will only hurt for a short time and I think you will feel so much better when you do it.
hugs and more hugs
Aunt Sandy

8:38 PM  
Anonymous Sandi said...

I know it seems so scary. But you know that once you do it, make the leap, set things into motion, there will be an end in sight. You have to start it to be able to finish it.

I don't think there is anything wrong with calling the police. If you need a little helo, then you need a little help!!

Somewhere deep inside you have the stength to do this. I know you need to be prepared. I have to wonder if you aren't prepared enough already. Nothing can be gained from putting this off.

10:46 AM  
Blogger Coley said...

You know what, and this comes from experience, nothing, however hard and awful, is better than being free. You'll know that as soon as you take that leap. x

7:36 AM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

I have come back and read this several times and I really thought I had posted on it.
I hope things are okay in your neck of the woods. It sounds like you really are close to taking that step. The reason it seems so insurmountable is because it is the unknown you are stepping into. I think once it happens and you start getting some clarity it won't seem so insurmountable.

9:44 AM  
Anonymous Jilly said...

I know this decision is made more difficult because you crave routine and those you've created provide you with a level of comfort, no matter how miserable your situation. Yes, taking this giant step will throw you into a bit of a whirlpool at first, but your "routine" credo will serve you well in that I'm sure you'll more easily make the transition (unlike me, who flailed about for the first little while). I have no doubt you'll be able to settle into your new routines quickly ~ ones on your own terms!

While the unknown is scary, can you ever imagine telling yourself "I regret doing this and wish I had stayed with Bub for the rest of my life. I was happier then." I didn't think so. (((big hug)))

11:16 AM  

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