Sunday, August 27, 2006

Well, I blew it. Remember that commitment to a binge free week? Yeah, well, I didn’t make it. Quite honestly I just don’t feel like going into the gory details right now, but I really think I need some help on this one. Lost is that sense of self-control, which made my weight loss possible in the first place. I know it’s there… somewhere, (at least that’s what I was told by someone dear to me anyway) but I just can’t seem to find it anymore, and frankly, I’m scared. The thing is, I know exactly what I’m doing when I’m doing it, yet I continue to do it anyway. So what’s the deal? Seriously, what’s it gonna take? I mean I did this thing once didn’t I? I had what it took to lose the weight in the first place. So why am I doing this to myself now? I just don’t get it. But I’ve decided to check out one of the local TOPS chapters since there’s still no OA meetings in my town, so we’ll see how that goes. I simply have to do something, and NOW.

In other news, we (Bub and I) took Em to the circus on Sunday. Ringling Bros., Barnum & Bailey. It was a fantastic show, probably not worth the money (being the cheapskate that I am) but fun and exciting just the same. We were blessed to have Bub in one of his upbeat good moods, so the trip was as enjoyable as it could possibly be with him present. He called me on Friday to set the whole thing up, and then said, “see ya Sunday” before hanging up, which to me meant that we wouldn't be expected to spend any more time with him other than that. So, the way I see it, having to spend a couple of hours with him one day was a small price to pay for knowing that Em and I would be left alone to do as we pleased for the whole weekend otherwise. No impromptu calls or expectations of time to be spent with him, ahhhhh, what a relief!!

So after I finally got him off the phone after the usual blathering, Em and I headed on over to the roller rink. I know, I’m a glutton for punishment! But Em has become totally enthralled with her newfound skating ability, so I want to encourage the physical activity, as well as her enjoyment of it as much as possible. Plus, I’ve always wished I could do it myself, so by golly, I just keep on trying, regardless of how my poor ass protests! But here’s the exciting part, I think I’ve finally got this skating thing figured out! Whoohoo! Apparently there’s a trick to it, a certain rhythm that you have to find, which I was never able to master as a kid. Not that I’ve mastered it now, of course, but at least I can get around the rink without feeling (and looking) like a complete, bumbling idiot… well, most of the time! Anyway, Em wants to spend as much of her time skating as possible, but the rink is only open on the weekends along with one other night during the week. So I think I’m going to have to invest in some roller skates of our own so that we can enjoy it whenever we want. Hmmmm, I wonder if it’s too late to find some skates as a b-day present for her? I’ll have to look into that!

Then Saturday was spent at “The Great Escape” a local fundraising event to raise money for the Women’s Shelter of Central Arkansas. These are the same wonderful women who helped me so much via email, and then in person while I was still in the midst of decision making and planning of my own “great escape” from Bub. The event was fabulous, with all sorts of booths and samples, free give aways and drawings (I won a gift certificate for a free manicure, not that I’m into that sort of thing, but hey, it’s free so who cares?!) and best of all, they had a whole section devoted to manicures, pedicures and massages! So, of course, Em and I just had to indulge in massages, I mean really, how could we not? This was Em’s first real massage (and only my second) and we both loved every minute of it! They even did our feet too, ahhhhh, heaven! Then after that, was back to the roller rink for yet another round of skating. Thank goodness for all the free passes they gave us after Em’s birthday party there last year, or I’d be one broke skating momma! Anyway, get this; I’m pretty sure I was getting hit on while we were there that night. Heh, now that’s new. The poor guy was nice enough, but obviously trying way too hard, and I’m just soooooo not interested! I realize he was just looking to engage me in some adult conversation and make a connection, but I was there with Em and my focus was on her. I know, I know, there’s more to life than her, but not right now, not for me. The truth is, at this point I could care less if I ever have a relationship again, and would actually prefer not to at all. I mean, who needs that crap? I like getting to do what I want, when I want, and not having to answer to someone else or sacrifice just to make the other happy. Sure, maybe I’m a little jaded, but really, can you blame me? Anyway, I think he eventually got the idea that I was a lost cause when I continuously failed to contribute anything of substance to the mindless smalltalk, while ignoring him when at all possible. Cold? Perhaps. But that is my prerogative, now isn’t it? ;D My mom said it must be nice to know I “still have it”. Still? Wouldn’t that imply that I ever “had it” to begin with? Gee, would liked to have gotten the memo on that one, cuz I sure as hell don’t recall ever “having it”!


Anonymous Jilly said...

Okay, don't panic ... deep breaths and remember your own quote about not giving up what you want the most for what you want at the moment. Yep, been there, done that and gained back 30lbs. before I could put a lid on it. Its so insidious, the way it creeps back seemingly overnight. Get thee to TOPS!

Glad to hear you're more steady on your feet at the roller-rink. Its time to head out to the ice rink next, where you can not only fall on your ass, but freeze it as well (bwaahhhhh)

There's a difference between "having it" and "using it". You're not cynical or jaded ... you're just not ready yet. Go ahead and enjoy your well-deserved newfound freedom for now (until the time comes that you're "wanting it") I am BAD tonight! ;)

1:06 AM  

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