Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Okay, I’m not so cranky anymore. I realize that a child’s father serves a purpose in the child’s life just by being her dad, and a male figure in her life, but DAMN! I just wish I had picked a better one for her. Anyway, ‘nuff of that. My brother had a very close call yesterday. Too close if you ask me! He was driving through an intersection (green light, his right of way) and an older lady either didn’t see him or misjudged the distance and attempted to make a turn right in front of him. I say attempted because she never actually completed the turn due to my brother’s truck smashing directly into the side of her car! He’s okay; he just hurt his wrist a bit when the airbag hit it as he was holding the steering wheel in a death grip while willing the impending collision not to occur. Y’know, like when you put your “breaks” on in the passenger seat?? ;D Anyway, here’s the real kicker; he was actually on the phone with my SIL when the accident happened! Can you imagine?? Blabbing away then all of a sudden you hear “Oh SHIT!” then squalling tires and crumpling metal. OMG, it makes a lump in my throat just thinking about it. (It also reminds me of that line about traffic accidents from one of Bill Cosby’s comedy tapes; “First you say it, then you do it! Heehee, but I digress) Luckily he was able to retrieve the phone right away and tell her that there was an accident, but he that he WAS okay. Unfortunately, the other lady wasn’t so lucky. Her sucky ass day ended in a trip to the ER via ambulance, but she should be just fine as well.

So, I’ve been thinking a bit about the food stuff in relation to my current emotional state. Or should I say, lack of emotional state. Y’see, this Paxil is some really good shit, but I’m thinking perhaps a bit too good because not a whole lot really gets to me anymore, including worrying or caring even about maintaining a healthy lifestyle. See, it took away those frantic, out of control, bingy feelings, but I seem to be left with an apathetic attitude towards, well, most everything. So from that aspect, I’m not liking this too much. I think a lot of my weight loss success came from my intense need for structure and rigidity. I needed to do it perfectly, so much so that I became a bit obsessed with it all. In the aftermath of my leaving Bub, I seemed to lose the structure along the way, thus sending me into an emotional tailspin, and perpetrating the need (in my view) for a little medical intervention. Well, I got what I wanted, but now what? Cuz this apathy shit ain’t gonna cut it either! Can’t there ever just be a happy medium??

So now that I have noticed this unpleasant little side effect, I can’t help but wonder what exactly would happen if I were to give up the Paxil? I wonder how much I really need it now, but I think I only wonder that because I’m not such an emotional wreck anymore, due to the effects of said medication. I’m guessing coming off of it would only perpetuate another downward spiral, and quite frankly, I just can’t do that again. It was bad, worse than I let on to anyone, but that’s my way, as you all know. So what’s the problem? Just stay on the meds, right? Well, here’s the freakin’ problem, allowing myself to apathetically eat my back into morbid obesity is simply not an option, period. I WON’T do that again. So what then? I don’t quite know just yet, but I have to figure it out, and fast! Right now I find myself conveniently caught up in the “wait til after the holidays” mindset, and my many attempts to shake it off have proven quite futile. I keep thinking c’mon already, I know this shit; lord knows I preached it long enough. It’s not all or none, it’s not too late to salvage the day (or week) after one (or a few) bad choices. I KNOW this shit, yet here I am, letting myself get away with it and not really caring much either way. Again, where exactly is that happy medium I so covet? It is out there somewhere, right?? Just smile and nod in agreement, will’ya? I do believe there’s a Santa Claus, I do, I do!!


Blogger Sandi said...

Bev -

I have been thinking about your post since I first read it last night. I have no doubts that you will overcome whatever is going on in your head right now because you are such a strong and amazing person. Basically...Bev rocks!

That being said, I completely understand your cause for concern. You lost an amazing amount of weight - people do that. You have kept it off - that makes you stand out. No one ever intends to gain back all of their weight. It's just a slip here and a slide there and all of sudden they find themselves somewhere they never wanted to be again. You have to be ever vigilant and aware to keep the weight off.

You were saying that you thought a lot of your weight loss success came from your intense need for structure and rigidity. You needed to do it perfectly. And then, you did need that. The rest of your life was so out of control (a.k.a. Bub) that you needed all that structure, something that you can control. But now things are different. Everythings different...Where you live...who you live with...your extra job...your on paxil...YOUR FREE!!

I'm thinking that since everything is so different that it might be hard to live with such structure and rigidity. Maybe your having a hard time going back to it, because it's no longer needed to be successful. It's just not who you are anymore. That doesn't mean you don't need a daily routine that includes exercise and a healthy diet, but maybe you've moved past the rigidity.

Maybe the struggle you are going through is just a transition to a new lifestyle.

The fact that you are feeling apathetic towards life does concern me though. But I wouldn't suggest going off the paxil at all. Any chance you could just reduce the dosage somewhat??


9:13 AM  
Blogger B said...

Excellent point Sandi, I was controlling the only thing in my world that I could control, almost like anorexics describe it, but not to such an extreme. So now that I have more control over my own life, I don't have the need, or motivation to control this the same way anymore. I'm different now, so I can be successful in my weight loss/maintenance in a different way now too. Instead of thinking myself a failure for not being able to stick with my original strategy, I need to start working on a strategy that fits my new life and needs as they stand now. Thank you Sandi, you've given me a lot to think about!


2:27 PM  
Anonymous jilly said...

Well its a good thing you two had this little discussion and pretty much coverered everything I was thinking because its 2 a.m. and I need to get to sleep!

I agree with Sandi that a cold turkey paxil cessation is probably not a great idea right now and would talk to the doc about reducing the dosage.

I know you've found yourself swinging from one extreme to the other over the past year (between oppression and freedom so to speak), but understand how you crave order. They say it usually takes two years to recover emotionally from a marriage break and you're working through all the stages. I'm sorry the anxiety was worse than you let on, but 2007 may hold the secret of the "medium"! xox

P.S. - Glad your brother is okay!

1:08 AM  

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