There’s a silly boy...

One who makes me smile… and blush, as well as question my self-imposed spinsterhood. Intelligent, charming, autonomous, wickedly clever, compassionate, and serenely laid back. He calls me sweetie y’know, as the blush rises quickly to my cheeks, but he says it almost absentmindedly as if it never occurred to him not to. Sweetie… You all would love him I think… I wonder if I could some day too? To love another, to give of myself so fully once again, opening myself up to whatever may come. To risk losing myself once more, when I’ve only just begun to figure me out, is it really worth it I wonder? How frighteningly vulnerable it would feel, almost unbearably so… almost. I don’t need this now. I don’t need this now. This wasn’t in the plans, the timing couldn’t be worse, yet here I am, so who am I to question? He listens to me with genuine interest and gives credence to my words and opinions. He shares his world with me and I want to do the same. He gives me the space that I need, and comfort as well. He sends me news links because he knows I love that, and pics of interest and of all the worldly places he’s seen or has yet to because he knows I love that too. We share interests and views, ideology and political dogma. He challenges me to think in a bigger realm and to embrace my full potential without having to prove my intelligence or myself because he already knows somehow… he just knows. Plus, he makes me smile… and blush… and he calls me sweetie. I like him, and he says he likes me too. Maybe a lot more than I anticipate he warns, yet he’s gentle and considerate and he gives me the time and space I need, cuz that’s what good guys do right? That’s what good guys do… Mom, Aunt Sandy, Alex, Jilly, Sandi, I know you have good guys, anyone else want to chime in here as well? Grandpa was a good guy, extraordinary in fact; we should all be so lucky as Grandma, its no wonder she still misses him so after seven long years. Has it really been that long? Y’know, I still suck in my breath each time I hear a man with Grandpa’s distinctive voice, a smile spreading widely across my lips as the memories come flooding back. And I think Grandpa would approve, so that must say something right? Mark, I think you would approve too, and that means a lot to me because it is you who should have been my dad, and because it is you who reminds me of Grandpa in so many ways. Thank you for being one of the good guys btw, for loving mom and making her happy, and for being her sweetie.

I have no confidence in myself, or in my judgment. I have no concept of boundaries (obviously, just read below to see evidence of that). I wasn’t supposed to find myself in this position again, yet here I am, fully ensconced and wondering what the hell to do. What in the hell should I do? Throw caution to the wind? Not a chance. Not as a single mom with an emotionally vulnerable daughter, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take. So what then? Good question.

I’m scared.

I cautiously broached the subject of having a man in our lives with Em the other night as it somehow came up in conversation. The prospect has always terrified her (we’ve discussed this before) yet for the first time she actually considered it, if only for a moment, wondering what it might be like to have a nice man around, one who doesn’t yell or lecture and scare her into submission. She worries me though, she latches on so quickly and easily to any man who’ll show her attention or affection. My god, the dysfunctional relationships that await her if she stays this course. Once again kicking myself for not having chosen more wisely in her parentage. It seems that Bub’s complete mind fuck has left us both weary and fearful of men yet wanting of their attention. Y'know, even though she meant it in a much different context, I so easily relate my anxiety on this subject to that Kelly Clarkson song. Becasue of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk, because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt, because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me, because of you I am afraid…