MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

That silly boy continues to make me smile. He’s still living abroad (returning home to Vancouver in January) and had a day trip with family planned for xmas today (its already xmas day there). He checked in with me just now and told me how he’d rather be spending the holiday with Em and I just hanging out and doing xmas stuff together. What a fun, lovely thought… *blush*

I ran into a dear friend from my old telemarketing job on Friday. This girl has always held a special place in my heart. When I met her she was so young and had just given birth to her first baby. Her longtime boyfriend was this horrible, entitled, lazy, drug-abusing boy of a man who treated her like absolute crap and I so desperately wanted to help her, or to save her, or… I dunno. She was so sweet and vulnerable, and with anyone but him so vibrant and strong. With him, she was like me with Bub except worse because he hit her and was into drugs and not holding down a job apparently. Oh how I tried to make her see that she deserved more than this life with him. Just like how you all tried to make me see that I deserved more than my life with Bub. Which is funny because I was still deeply ensconced in my resolve to stick it out with Bub at the time of our meeting and subsequent friendship. This was before my blog and all of you, so even though I couldn’t yet see any hope for me, I was able to recognize how wrong it was for another to live that way and I tried to help her. She went through ups and downs. The baby was taken away and placed with family for a period because of domestic abuse and drug use by the dad. He explained it all away of course, cuz that’s what they do, and so she stayed. She stayed and made it work, taking the weight of the world on her shoulders, trying to please everyone, and to be the best mom she could once she proved herself worthy once again. My god how we rejoiced that day; that sweet, beautiful little baby back in her mother’s arms where she rightfully belonged. I cried the day she was taken and I cried the day she was returned. There was a pregnancy scare the next year. I took her to get a test and thankfully it came out negative. He refused to use contraceptives and the last thing this confused girl needed was another person to take care of. I did what I could, perhaps more than I should have, yet on she stayed never quite convinced that it could be any other way. As with anything, this was something that she had to decide for herself, and that decision never came. She eventually left the job and left town and we lost touch. I eventually left the job too yet I continued to think and wonder about her, hoping that she was safe and happy somehow. I saw her once the next year, a brand new baby boy in tow, same dad, I knew that nothing had changed. And then there she was in Wal-Mart, baby girl now 4 years old, and baby boy now two. There she was, happy and smiling and healthy and strong. The vibrant girl that I remembered standing there before me, more matured and mother of two of the most beautiful children I’ve seen in recent history. I hugged her, and I hugged her babies who were no longer babies, and we talked and laughed and caught up on each other’s lives. She seemed so happy and healthy and strong, and I knew, I just knew she must have left that man-boy, I was so sure of it. But no, that wasn’t the case. She said he had finally stepped up as a man and a father, and was taking responsibility for both, even holding down a job for more than a year now. As she proclaimed a happier, healthier relationship I searched her eyes looking for the truth that those windows into the soul always reveal. What I saw was the watery fatigue of a too bright, forced smile, the same guise that I had worn so well. I wanted to believe her so badly but somehow I just couldn’t, not after recognizing my own weariness in her eyes. Because I know that people like him don’t typically change, and that people like her and I tend to stick with what we know for fear of what we don’t know. So I told her how happy I was for her while casting my own eyes downward in an effort to hide the knowing truth that lie behind them, and I hugged her and her and I hugged her babies again and that was that. After all of these years of wondering my questions were finally answered. Same same same. But at least she looked happy and healthy and strong…

I think I understand now, what it must have been like for all of you knowing I had resigned myself to a life with Bub and not being able to do anything about it except love me and support me and be there for me when I was finally ready to reach out for help. So that’s what I’ll do for her, and who knows what the future may bring.