Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Happy new year! 2008, a fresh new start. Wonder what this year will bring? Em went back to school on Monday, I start back on Thursday. Work has been painfully slow, but should hopefully pick up in the coming weeks. The weather has been crazy, warm cold, warm cold, even winter tornadoes today, gee, how fun. My driver’s side windshield wiper decided to stop working while driving Em to school (in the rain of course) this morning. Makes a girl wanna crawl back under the covers y’know? Which I technically could have done since I didn’t have any work today, but that made it even more depressing, thus not a viable option. So I stayed glued to CNN most of the day and ran errands after the rain stopped. The New Hampshire primary was fun this evening, Clinton and Obama neck and neck to the end. Good times. Hmm, is this akin to the hub-bub that so many attribute to sports? Never quite understood that one, but perhaps I really do after all, interesting.

Bub informed me that he plans to start yet another business soon. Another computer store, as if his first failed attempt wasn’t lesson enough, sigh… I imagine it must be pretty difficult for him to have such an entrepreneurial mind yet none of the business savvy to attain success. Well, it would be difficult I suppose if he realized that he has no business sense, which he obviously doesn’t, thus repeated failed business attempts. Still feeling badly for new chick, she hasn’t a clue what she’s in for regarding his hair-brained ideas and his never-ending search for the one that hits it big. Luckily she has low standards and a long history of instability so when the bottom falls out she should manage all right. At least the marketing idea is cute and catchy, who knows, maybe this could be the… oh hell, who am I kidding?

I’m feeling incredibly insecure about body issues right now. Yes, I’ve regained weight, fallout from my trip to the edge last year. But it’s not even that really; it’s the stuff that can’t be fixed and head stuff. Feeling ‘less than’ somehow, unworthy of physical attraction. Stemming from interactions with the silly boy I’m sure, after all, its been longer than I can remember since I’ve actually cared how I appear to members of the opposite sex. Well, now I care (*blush) and it’s messing with me. I so wish I could have an attractive body; not perfect, nor rail thin.. just average but minus the saggy skin and droopy pouches. To have a body that has never been morbidly obese, y’know those ones that are supposed to “bounce back” after weight loss. Heh, bounce back, *snicker. It bugs the crap outta me that this bugs me so much, but it does and dammit how exactly does one learn to just accept their body for what it is? Oh woe is me, life’s not fair, whaaaa. K, I’ve whined, I’m finished now. Still pisses me off though, bleh.


Anonymous Aunt Sandy said...

I so understand what you are saying about the loose skin and the baggy stuff. Even at my thinest I never had the right curves. That's why I like winter. Covering up is good. Oh well... Accepting and embrasing are very hard. You do look so good though. Be proud baby. You are in control now!

1:06 PM  
Blogger Sandi said...

I think it would be hard to do all that work and then end up less than perfect. In fact, I know when I get to goal, that will be a HUGE frustration. But what can we do? We have to live with what's left and trust in the fact that now we are healthier!!

10:07 PM  
Anonymous jill said...

Thing is, even most of those skinny tv and movie stars and models aren't perfect when the air-brush machine hasn't been used or they're off camera trying to be normal people. Look at the fuss over Jennifer Love Hewitt's thighs. I mean, so there was a bit of cellulite, can you imagine the humiliation of it being all over the media?

Okay, maybe their's isn't as pronounced as ours, but at least the whole world isn't looking at every fold of skin...

In fact, I bet those women agonize over their imperfections more than we do, and we'd probably love to have their bodies.

I know you read post secret. One that really affected me was the pic of the beautiful girl and the text: "I think if I were less attractive, I'd have a better sense of who I really am."

That made me think. BUT, what made me think even more, was a posted email response:

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Sunday, January 06, 2008 10:14 PM
Subject: Less attractive

Believe me, being less attractive won't give you a better sense of yourself. But thank you because you just made me realize that being more attractive won't either.


12:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm indeed!

You know, reading how even despite your huge weight loss, you are still insecure and still unhappy with your body makes me wonder why I am even trying to lose weight, or at the very least, makes me question my motives....what if I have the same issues as you? And knowing me, I probably will...sounds like the only for me is to love my body AS IS....


10:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Jen is on to something. We do have to love our bodies AS IS. I am currently a 330 pound woman in the process of preparing for gastric by pass surgery. I know for a fact that when I lose the weight I will have a ton of baggy skin. I have lost and gained 70 to 100 pounds more than I can count in my adult life.
I may be strange in the fact that I do love my body, I don't get repulsed by it when I see myself after getting out of the shower, it has born 4 children and nursed them, my body is pretty amazing considering all the things it can do. I, however, do not like being so over weight and unhealthy or not being able to sit comfortably at a movie theatre or in an airplane. I know that my weight causes me to have limitations and I'm not healthy but whether my body is round or thin, covered with stretch marks or loose saggy skin I think I have learned to love it for what it is. I truly believe that the men or women (whatever the case) who love us don't see all the imperfections that we see. What may bother us the most about the way we look may be just the thing that they find the most attractive, unique, loveable thing about our bodies. Jen is definitely on to something... but how do we all learn to LOVE the body we have, warts, stretch marks, uniqueness and all that skin?


1:15 PM  

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