Thursday, May 22, 2008

Jealousy… what a mystifying emotion. A source of anxiety, promoter of tension, and destroyer of souls. It is in everything we do and every facet of our lives whether we realize it or subscribe to it or not. I’ve never been truly affected by the green eyed monster myself, either inwardly or outwardly. Sure, I’ve had the occasional twinge of “no fair!” or “I want that”, but in regards to personal relationships? Nada. This is not to say that I don’t understand jealousy, quite the opposite in fact. I get the underlying reasons for it and I realize that it affects more people than not. But the intensity of it? The physical and emotional toll it can take? I simply cannot relate. It’s been described to me as a hollow, empty feeling mixed with anger and hurt. An all encompassing roller coaster of fear, anxiety and irrationality. Sometimes merely a low simmer lying just below the surface, others a blinding sheath of emotional discord. So why don’t I get jealous? I dunno. Maybe it’s my laissez faire attitude towards life in general. I figure if my partner has his eye on someone else then it’s either a passing infatuation based in fantasy or it’s a relational problem indicating a lack of intimacy and contentment. In which case we would either need to fix the problems or go our separate ways. But to seethe with jealousy over another’s feelings? Nah, I’ll pass thank you. I’ve never really experienced someone being jealous over me either. Bub is, of course, far too self absorbed to think he had any reason worry about my attention being diverted elsewhere, and I, quite frankly, would have been ecstatic had his affections fallen upon another while we were together. So perhaps its not that I don’t feel jealousy, maybe I’ve just never had someone to feel jealous over? At any rate, it’s not my thing, and knowing me, likely never will be. Which is just fine by me cuz from what I’ve seen I don’t think its something I’d want to experience anyway.

So what is jealousy really? Well imo it has more to do with oneself than with others. Jealousy doesn’t stem from our partner being attracted to or falling in love with another, it comes from the realization that we are not their everything. Its not about them, it’s about us. We all baulk at the idea of not being the best, most important, most attractive, or most worthy of their time and affection. And even if we get it all, we want more. We want to be so adored that thoughts of another don’t even cross their minds. We want to be special and we want to be wanted above all else. It is natural to be attracted to and connect with other human beings. Just as it is natural to fear being replaced or abandoned, which is all the jealousy really is: fear. Fear. My, don’t we know that one well? People… relationships come and go, but true love whether romantic or spiritual, stands the test of time… and fear. True love conquers all right? And I love, god how I love, each in my own way and for different reasons. All with absolute purpose, else we would not have been brought together in the first place. I believe we have many soulmates throughout our lives as long as we are open to it. Each no less special, wanted or needed than any other. And each capturing a special place in our hearts lasting until the end of time. So no need for jealousy friends, as we each hold the capacity to love and be loved without boundaries. We are all special, wanted and needed.

Okay now, group hug! :D

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

This has to be the best thing you've ever written here.....

Jen

10:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well done! I agree totally.

11:50 AM  
Anonymous Alex said...

Very eloquently written. It sums up that emotion perfectly.

2:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not fair - how did you get to be so profound and wise? Especially at such a tender age? xox

jill

1:08 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home