Friday, July 22, 2005

"fat girl" no more?

My poor, sweet daughter accidentally poked herself in the eye with her finger yesterday! Hard too! She was just miserable all evening, eye watering, headachey, fell asleep early on the couch which is unheard of for her! I thought I might have to take her to the doctor today if it wasn't any better by morning, but it looks like all is well now. A little red and watery still, but she seems back to her sassy little self. I just felt so badly for her! It breaks my heart when mommy's love and kisses aren't quite enough to take all the pain away.

Now, on an entirely different topic; I was thinking earlier about how I had intended for this blog to be about my adventures in weight loss and maintenance and all that those topics entail, but it seems that I've continuously veered away from my initial intention in favor of posts about life in general. So it got me thinking that perhaps my whole life isn't all about my weight anymore. For so long my weight was what defined me, it determined how I would live my life, the decisions I would make, etc. I've only ever been a fat girl and not much else beyond that. So now I wonder, what is it that defines me now that I am no longer obese? I could label myself a "former fat girl" and live that life for a while. Just telling my same old sad story to anyone who'll listen, but is that really who I want to be? I've got a chance now, to start fresh, redefining the woman I want to be and who I present to the world. People who meet me now would never know that I was once overweight unless I told them. It's like I have a clean slate and a chance to make first impressions without the socially unacceptable stigma of "fat girl" looming heavily overhead. On the other hand, wouldn't denying the fat girl within be denying a significant part of what makes me who I am today? I mean, I wouldn't be here without her, so how could I deny her? Plus, I am now in the unexpected position of roll model. (ha! Me, who'dve thunk it considering my previous compulsively gluttonous ways!) Roll model for my daughter, my family and friends, and yes, even complete strangers. I have a unique opportunity to possibly make a difference in peoples' lives, simply by sharing my story and the lessons I've learned throughout this journey. Perhaps you're right Jilly, what if I could pull my shit together enough to get it all down on paper? Hmmm, it's a nice thought, yet sadly, highly unlikely given my tendency towards disorganization and my apparent inability to make decisions without constantly second guessing myself. I've found that I get overwhelmed so quickly and easily that I am often left frozen in indecision and wind up doing nothing at all in response. This particular personality trait is quite frustrating to say the least, yet I've possessed it my entire life, and frankly don't believe I can ever be "cured" of it. Of course, I never believed I could lose weight on my own either, did I? Now there's something to think about. I never thought I could do lots of things that I've done now, and there's still so much more I would like to do, and haven't. Yeppers, I'm definitely going to have to give that one a bit more thought.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Jilly said...

Well, you saved me a lot of words tonight ~ perhaps my thought processes made it across the border and straight to your brain (or maybe I can't take credit for it and should accept that you came to the conclusion yourself?) What am I babbling about? You saying you could never organize yourself and have the initiative to write a book! Like you say, that weight didn't all fall off without you taking some initiative and organizing it, duh! ;)

Which reminds me ~ I wanted to ask you about your need for routine. Have you always been like that? I mean, back when you were eating at will and were too big to do a lot of the things you do now, did you still crave routine and order in your life? Or did you do a complete turnabout during the process of losing weight? Did you in fact change a personality trait or just adapt one you already held to fit your weight-loss program?

What did I say back there about saving words? Seems I'm incapable of writing a short and sweet comment like "yeah, girl ~ you go!" :D

P.S. - hope your little sweetie's eye is all better!

10:54 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Interesting question, Jill. I'll be interested in hearing the answer.

Getting back to the topic of your capabilities, Beverly: you've already well established that you can surprise yourself with you accomplishments. The precedent has been set. You never know until you try, right? At the very least, the process itself might prove illuminating.

2:38 PM  

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