I've been doing a lot of research over the past few days about my "situation", (thank you to Serafyn for pointing me in the right direction for help) and I've realized, unfortunately, just how not alone I really am in this. Sure, no two stories may be alike, but bottom line is, there are a whole lotta egotistical assholes out there making their partner's and family's lives a complete and utter living hell. It makes me sad and breaks my heart, yet I am comforted to know that others may actually understand what I'm truly living with, to some degree anyway. I also find that I'm questioning myself though, unsure if my perception of him is really completely valid. After reading through so much information on the traits and signs of a person who may be verbally, emotionally, or psychologically abusive, I catch myself saying well, he doesn't do this, or he doesn't do that. He doesn't fit all of the criteria for any one personality type, and frankly, I don't think he ever will. He is an enigma, unique and indescribable, and in a category all of his own. And here I am again, buying into and promoting his grandiose state of being, as if he were something to be admired due to his uniquely assholish qualities. Maybe I am in awe of him and his ability to be so powerful and self-confident. He gets things done, no two ways about it. He knows what he wants and he goes for it until he gets it. He is sure of himself and he knows exactly who he is, and is rather pleased with what he sees, I might add. He doesn't believe there is anything wrong with his way of thinking, and could never be convinced of such. He honestly believes that he is taking our best interests to heart, that he is teaching us to be better (meaning more like him). So I can't fault him for that, for him being him. He honestly has good intentions, however wayward they may seem to myself and to others. And I've learned to accept him for who his is and I've stopped trying to change him because, really, there is no point to it. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that people don't change for other people, they only change for themselves. If he honestly believed there was something wrong with what he's doing, he would change it in a heartbeat, no questions asked. But he doesn't believe that, hell, he won't even entertain the idea, and he never will. So, with that being said, now what? I know I can't go on like this forever, like I've been trying to convince myself I could for far too long. But I also know that in order to change it I would have to face and overcome some pretty daunting and overwhelming fears and obstacles that I just don't think I'm ready for right now. So, for now, I continue to wait, and hope that something comes along to propel me into action. And in the meantime, I try to make it through each day as best I can so that I can continue to avoid taking responsibility for my own messed up life. You know, maybe one day he'll teach me to be like him enough to actually put an end to all this once and for all. Now wouldn't that be ironic?

*Edited to note another quick and somewhat disturbing thought. What if I'm really using all of this as some sort of sick excuse to redefine myself as "the victim" now that I can no longer be defined by my fatness? Now that's really twisted, hmmmm...