Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I've been doing a lot of research over the past few days about my "situation", (thank you to Serafyn for pointing me in the right direction for help) and I've realized, unfortunately, just how not alone I really am in this. Sure, no two stories may be alike, but bottom line is, there are a whole lotta egotistical assholes out there making their partner's and family's lives a complete and utter living hell. It makes me sad and breaks my heart, yet I am comforted to know that others may actually understand what I'm truly living with, to some degree anyway. I also find that I'm questioning myself though, unsure if my perception of him is really completely valid. After reading through so much information on the traits and signs of a person who may be verbally, emotionally, or psychologically abusive, I catch myself saying well, he doesn't do this, or he doesn't do that. He doesn't fit all of the criteria for any one personality type, and frankly, I don't think he ever will. He is an enigma, unique and indescribable, and in a category all of his own. And here I am again, buying into and promoting his grandiose state of being, as if he were something to be admired due to his uniquely assholish qualities. Maybe I am in awe of him and his ability to be so powerful and self-confident. He gets things done, no two ways about it. He knows what he wants and he goes for it until he gets it. He is sure of himself and he knows exactly who he is, and is rather pleased with what he sees, I might add. He doesn't believe there is anything wrong with his way of thinking, and could never be convinced of such. He honestly believes that he is taking our best interests to heart, that he is teaching us to be better (meaning more like him). So I can't fault him for that, for him being him. He honestly has good intentions, however wayward they may seem to myself and to others. And I've learned to accept him for who his is and I've stopped trying to change him because, really, there is no point to it. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that people don't change for other people, they only change for themselves. If he honestly believed there was something wrong with what he's doing, he would change it in a heartbeat, no questions asked. But he doesn't believe that, hell, he won't even entertain the idea, and he never will. So, with that being said, now what? I know I can't go on like this forever, like I've been trying to convince myself I could for far too long. But I also know that in order to change it I would have to face and overcome some pretty daunting and overwhelming fears and obstacles that I just don't think I'm ready for right now. So, for now, I continue to wait, and hope that something comes along to propel me into action. And in the meantime, I try to make it through each day as best I can so that I can continue to avoid taking responsibility for my own messed up life. You know, maybe one day he'll teach me to be like him enough to actually put an end to all this once and for all. Now wouldn't that be ironic?

*Edited to note another quick and somewhat disturbing thought. What if I'm really using all of this as some sort of sick excuse to redefine myself as "the victim" now that I can no longer be defined by my fatness? Now that's really twisted, hmmmm...

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I haven't been reading your blog long enough to know exactly what you're talking about, but is he unhappy too? Do either of you have an interest in saving your relationship? My DH and I were pretty much headed for divorce until we went through a marriage repair weekend called retrouvaille. They have a website at www.retrouvaille.org. The weekend profoundly changed us in so many ways -- as a couple and as individuals. I can't recommend it enough to couples in trouble.

6:35 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

It sounds like you are at least seeking out some avenues and know that you can't do this forever. I might suggest going ahead and tucking away a nest egg just in case. That way if you do reach your point where it's not worth it anymore, you have something to get you started.

You may have hit on something about needing to be a victim since you lost your fat, you need something else. It might be worth it for you to go to counseling at least by yourself and work on you. :) Just my 2 cents though.

12:05 PM  
Anonymous Sandi said...

Ok, first of all, you are NOT using this as some kind of excuse to be a victim. Just get that silly thought out of your head.

I wish I had a good answer here, but I don't don't. My heart believes that when it's time, you will make a healthy decision for you and Em and end this realtionship and move on. But that will also be the hardest thing you ever do. You will never be truly free of him because Em will always have him in her life. What would he say if you simply told him the truth. That you are unhappy, you don't love him anymore and you want a divorce. I know it might be hard for you to imagine, being that blunt and staright forward, but try. What would he say? What would he do? Then imagine that once things have settled down, the ball would be rolling, he would know the truth and you'd be one step closer to being free. Is it that moment that you can't get past?

It's hard, because when things are good, you can kinda forget about the bad and you decide that you can live with it.

Bev, you may not believe this, but babe, you deserve better. I have never met anyone like you in my entire life. You are so giving and so selfless. I hate to see you surviving in such an unhappy realtionship.

Think back to when you lost the weight. Did you mourn the "lost" years? The years that were spent heavy when you could have been thin? Every year that goes by without something being done, is another year you'll mourn when you finally do something about this.

Having said that, I want to tell you that I love you no matter what you do. It's awfully easy to sit several states away and tell you how to live your life. I don't have to deal with any of the repercussions and I don't know him, AT ALL. So take my words at what they are...advice. To be taken or not. I am not here to(and never will) judge you or think badly of you based on your decision to resolve this or not. I will always be here to support you 100%.

(((HUGS)))

12:17 PM  
Anonymous Sandi said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:18 PM  
Blogger chryscat said...

Bottom line, Bev: You deserve better.
HUGS

4:40 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Echoing Chrys....

11:07 AM  

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