Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Ahhhh, the party was a smashing success! But whew, sure am glad that’s over! ;D No pics though, since my camera is a P.O.S and can’t seem to take indoor pictures worth a crap. Anyway, Em is officially nine years old, one more year until she’s in the double digits, four years until she’s a teenager, and OMG, I don’t even want to think beyond that! Four of the seven school friends Em invited showed up, which was a better than expected turn out, so I was pleased. Bub hung out with his parents since the friends he invited to keep him company didn’t show up and he had no one else to talk to. C’mon now, let’s all say, awwwww, poor Bubba. He and my SIL made it a point not to acknowledge each other, which was fine by me, and everyone pretty much stayed on their own sides of the roller rink. Bub was his typical self, and I think my mom put it best when she likened it to that of him showing up as a guest to the party rather than a host, when I was trying to explain to her how he usually behaves in these situations. Everything was left up to me, as usual, but I’m used to that, so what else is new? Anyway, he left directly after the presents were opened (caught a ride with his parents before they headed back out of town) saying that Em was gonna be busy skating and playing with her friends anyway and all he’d be doing is just sitting there. Wha? No one to pay attention to him? Heaven forbid! Whatever dude, it’s not like your presence was required or desired anyway. So it was kinda nice to have him gone, no pressure to hurry things along, or worrying about setting him off about something. Ahhhh, maybe next year he’ll just skip it all together. Aw c’mon, a girl can dream can’t she? Anyway, Em and I ended up hanging out at the roller rink for several more hours, along with one of her new friends (her new best friend Kaitlin, to be exact) who was able to stay for the duration as well. Which gave me a nice chance to get to know Kaitlin’s mom, Michelle, since I hadn’t met her yet, and found out that they live really near by and that she’s a single mom too. Michelle is pretty, blond and thin, just like Kaitlin. And I got quite a chuckle when she mentioned that she was trying to lose a few pounds. Ha! What I wouldn’t give! Hmm, well… now that I think of it, maybe in her eyes we’re really not all that different. I mean, she has no idea what kind of freak show lurks beneath my clothes, right? I wonder if she viewed me as some sort of kindred spirit, someone who could relate to the woes of the typical skinny chick extra ten or twenty lbs? Y’know it’s still so hard for me to realize that I’m probably not being viewed much differently (if at all) from others anymore. That I’m not automatically judged each time I walk into a room or move to take a seat. And it’s actually funny to me that people can’t just automatically tell that I spent most of my life so morbidly obese. That they would honestly have no idea unless I happened to mention it for some reason. I guess it’s odd because that’s who I was for so long that it still feels so very much a part of me, and still is with regard to the compulsive behaviors associated with it. Really, the only thing different now is my outward appearance, which is, of course, what defines me most to those around me, yet, in no way defines who I truly am. Okay, ‘nuff of that, sure is getting deep in here, ain’t it?!

Now, on to something else I’ve been pondering… I know, bad idea! But if there are any stinky boys out there reading this, go ahead and cover your ears, close your eyes, and hum. No really, go on… Hey, no peaking!! Okay, here goes; Alex recently made mention of my many turbulent moods being attributed to symptoms of PMS. Which got me thinking about just what the connection, if any, there might be. And here’s what I’ve gathered thus far. It seems that, although my menstrual cycle is sporadic at best, the hormonal cycle that has always accompanied it, seems to have remained very regular. Meaning that while I may not actually have a period (only every couple of months now) I still get to experience the oh so fun hormonal crap that makes being a woman particularly special and fun, woohoo! And it seems to follow right along with what should be my normal menstrual cycle. But since I’m not menstruating regularly, I really haven’t been keeping track of the hormone cycle, and that’s why I think my mood swings keep catching me off guard. So, what I’m gonna do is start tracking this stuff, and then maybe I’ll be able to get a better handle on when and why I’m more susceptible to emotional eating/binging at times. Certain times of the month are simply more noticeably difficult for me, and I can’t help but think there must be a real connection here. There are times when I just don’t care about cleaning, following a routine, taking care of responsibilities, etc. When all I want to do is be left alone and wallow and/or freak out about my still unknown future, and let all the scary/exciting possibilities overwhelm and immobilize me. Now, don’t get me wrong, this is NOTHING like it was while I was still trapped in Bubba hell. That last year or two especially were, well… indescribably bleak. And although I never really let on to the true extent of it, I’m certain most of you could sense it in spite of my many attempts to put on a happy face. Anyway, things are now sooooo much better, but I do still have my days, and as I’ve noticed, they seem to be predictable and part of a regular cycle. So, perhaps I’m not really as whacked as I thought? Maybe I’m just overly hormonal? Nahhhhh, still whacked! I’ve often wondered if medication wouldn’t be beneficial though. But then again, that might just be my “looking for the quick fix” nature talking. Oh well, guess that’s another one of those things I’ll hopefully get to address one day when/if I ever get some health insurance.

All right, I guess that’s it for tonight. BTW, all stinky boys may stop humming now. ;D

3 Comments:

Anonymous jilly said...

Happy Birthday Emily! Sounds like the party was a blast (even if poor bubba felt out of the loop ~ excuse me while I wipe away a tear).

I've often wondered how long it takes for a person's perception of themself to alter after a major life change. I'm not only referring to weight loss here. I guess we end up eventually combining all the parts to make a whole. So, I should see myself as a thin, fat, thin, miserably married, happily divorced, single-mother, happily living in sin psuedo step-mother who has been around for over half a century. Gee, it CAN be overwhelming. ;)

Sure, you've been thin for a few years after many as an obsese person, so its only natural you're not going to cast off that old self-image immediately. Just as you can't let go of the woman who felt helplessly stuck in a miserable marriage overnight, either. I think you've made great strides in a relatively short time in your journey to discover what truly defines you.

You're not whacked. I agree its likely you suffer from pms related symptoms and think keeping track of your cycle is a good idea so you can anticipate problem times. Can you think of an excuse for me now? xox

10:18 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

Awww, I am so glad that her party was a success!!! A skate party - how perfect!!! I found this article, I thought you might find it useful http://www.waldorfinthehome.org/parenting_the_nine_year_old.html
:)

Poor Bub...*sniff*

Did you tell her about your awesome accomplishment. Whip out the before so she can be in awe of your success??

Jill - whew! That's a mouthful!!!

3:51 PM  
Blogger Luflic said...

So how did you do skating? Hopefully you remained upright! Neat Em has a new best friend. Fourth grade girls really get catty. I use to teach.

8:39 PM  

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