I’m still here, just isolating a lot lately. I was sick with a stomach virus all night Sunday and into Monday, but other than that, everything just seems to be too much right now and I’m not coping well. I made a doctors appointment… I’ve decided that I need help with my anxiety regardless of my lack of health insurance. So I’ll bite the bullet and fork out some precious, hard earned dough. I figure, if that’s what it’ll take to make me feel a bit more normal in my abnormal world, then so be it. I really want to be the kind of person who can just face life head on, and it would seem that I’ve already proven myself capable of that, but… well, as I said, I’m not coping well right now… for whatever reason, and I simply can’t go on this way. I wish I didn’t have to feel so much, I wish everything were just easier somehow, I wish Bub would fall off the face of the earth, I wish I wish I wish. I thought I was making life better by leaving, and I did, I know I did. So why don’t I feel like it so much of the time? I’m so tired of feeling weepy and overwhelmed by the stupidest shit. I’m just plain tired.

Bub brought living with him back up to Em over the weekend. I knew he wasn’t about to let that one go. So plans are commencing and I expect it to happen soon. Lord help her for loving that man in spite of himself. What on earth was I thinking choosing him for a mate and the father of my child? I could just kick myself sometimes, y’know? But she’s stuck with him and I’m stuck with that. What’s done is done and that’s life, tough titty.

On a happier note, Em finally conquered one of her greatest fears Sunday evening (before my stomach woes hit). She went down the fireman’s pole at the park. It has been her nemesis for years now, taunting her as the little kids flew right down with nary a thought in the world. She hated that damn poll, loathed it and stood in awe of it too. Until finally, she mustered all the courage she could, closed her eyes… and stepped off the edge. I knew she could do it, I told her so every single time she tried and ended up in tears of shame. One of these days you’re gonna go down, and then you won’t be able to stop. And that’s precisely what she did. I think my heart almost burst with pride. That’s my girl.