Tuesday, October 10, 2006

I’m still here, just isolating a lot lately. I was sick with a stomach virus all night Sunday and into Monday, but other than that, everything just seems to be too much right now and I’m not coping well. I made a doctors appointment… I’ve decided that I need help with my anxiety regardless of my lack of health insurance. So I’ll bite the bullet and fork out some precious, hard earned dough. I figure, if that’s what it’ll take to make me feel a bit more normal in my abnormal world, then so be it. I really want to be the kind of person who can just face life head on, and it would seem that I’ve already proven myself capable of that, but… well, as I said, I’m not coping well right now… for whatever reason, and I simply can’t go on this way. I wish I didn’t have to feel so much, I wish everything were just easier somehow, I wish Bub would fall off the face of the earth, I wish I wish I wish. I thought I was making life better by leaving, and I did, I know I did. So why don’t I feel like it so much of the time? I’m so tired of feeling weepy and overwhelmed by the stupidest shit. I’m just plain tired.

Bub brought living with him back up to Em over the weekend. I knew he wasn’t about to let that one go. So plans are commencing and I expect it to happen soon. Lord help her for loving that man in spite of himself. What on earth was I thinking choosing him for a mate and the father of my child? I could just kick myself sometimes, y’know? But she’s stuck with him and I’m stuck with that. What’s done is done and that’s life, tough titty.

On a happier note, Em finally conquered one of her greatest fears Sunday evening (before my stomach woes hit). She went down the fireman’s pole at the park. It has been her nemesis for years now, taunting her as the little kids flew right down with nary a thought in the world. She hated that damn poll, loathed it and stood in awe of it too. Until finally, she mustered all the courage she could, closed her eyes… and stepped off the edge. I knew she could do it, I told her so every single time she tried and ended up in tears of shame. One of these days you’re gonna go down, and then you won’t be able to stop. And that’s precisely what she did. I think my heart almost burst with pride. That’s my girl.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good for you for taking the difficult step to see someone about your depression. I just wanted to let you know that you do have a lot of people who care about you and who think very highly of you. You are an amazingly accomplished woman and an inspiration. Losing all that weight, keeping it off, leaving an abusive man, sharing your thoughts and feelings with the world...you have a lot to be proud of.

7:23 AM  
Anonymous Jen said...

Em did exactly what you did months ago--closed your eyes and stepped off the ledge. And look at how much better you are for it! Yes you've got some issues to deal with--but that's life, everyone has to face it. The best thing is--BUB HAS NO CONTROL OVER YOU ANYMORE!!

3:17 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

Yay for taking a step and realizing you need help. You might also looking into seeing if one of those commercials are true about helping to pay for prescriptions. I can't think of the website off the top of my head but I saw Montel Williams advertising one. That is great that Em conquered the poll!!

Hopefully it will only take one or two times for them both to realize living with you full time is the best option.

3:27 PM  
Anonymous Paulina said...

Good for you for biting the bullet and getting some Med. attention. I too had to go that route when I was dealing with all that you're going through.

One thought about Em and Bub, have you mentioned it to Em's therapist? Kids need consistancy and Bub is far from consistant.

I kinda get the notion that he'll be back into controlling you during the week that Em is with him more that you know it. He'll "need" you to everything for them and to be on call the entire time she's with him. This was his idea, he should have to stand up to the plate and do IT ALL. Maybe a visit to family court mediation to get the plans down on paper, official, etc.?

Good luck with your Dr. appt. You'll feel much better soon!

11:35 PM  
Anonymous jilly said...

I'm so glad you're putting "you" first and seeking help. You certainly deserve it and I'm sure it won't take long to get you back where you belong!

I agree that the bub/Em situation should be discussed with Em's therapist and that some official agency should be in control of the arrangements if they do go through. As shortlived as I'm sure the idea will be, the less control bub has over it the better.

Good for Em! She's learned from her mum. Yep, it may be scary and it may seem impossible, but after that first big step its a journey to a whole new world!

10:32 AM  

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