Thursday, September 07, 2006

OMG, have you seen the new Kashi Go Lean Crunch Honey Almond Flax? They just had to add nuts didn’t they? NOOOOOOOOO! Bastards. I will abstain from the cereal; I will abstain from the cereal. Sigh…

Okay, so I had this long dramatic post all prepared about how my dad and step mom somehow found it within the realm of acceptability to shun Em on her birthday just because of my colossal flub up. And man, it was deep too! Full of all sorts of reflections on the relationship (or lack there of) that I share with my father. And of the truly fantastic relationship I’ve finally been realizing I could have shared with my stepfather had I ever given him (or myself) the chance. I had a post all prepared about how I would choose to be the bigger person and never mention hide nor hair of my dad and step mom’s incredible insensitivity with regard to their granddaughter’s birthday to any of our other family members here in AR just because this is precisely the type of fodder that family drama thrives on, and because I have no desire to knowingly and willingly bring such nonsense into my life. I had decided that I would not hold a grudge should my dad and/or step mom ever find themselves in a place of forget and forgiveness. When/if either of them ever decided to rekindle the relationship, I would be waiting with an open heart. But then, in the mail today, came a card (not less than 5 days late) wishing my beautiful girl a happy 9th. birthday with a neat little check tucked discreetly inside. Which, in effect, rendered my entire martyred post completely meaningless and without merit. Well, perhaps not completely without merit. I mean, it’s not like I was surprised when I thought that they had “overlooked” her birthday. Saddened, yes, but not surprised. I had this completely realistic picture in my head of my step mom throwing up her hands and telling herself that I am dead to her now. That she would no longer talk to me, help me, go above and beyond anything for me, nor would she bother to remind my dad of special dates and occasions that are dear to me. Not that it should be up to her to remind my dad of his own children's or grandchildren’s birthdays, but he is who he is and has never been one to take responsibility for such things on his own. In fact, it’s kind of a running joke each year to see how late his birthday cards to me and my brother are. He’s just never really been involved in our lives, not like those other hands on dads I’ve seen. Of course, my brother and I have never made it particularly easy to be involved in our lives, but that’s who we are too. We all could have tried harder, but we didn’t. Anyway, that’s kind of what I was hoping to get out of this thing with my step mom, a new reason to open up and finally form a real, honest relationship with her and my dad. I know, wishful thinking. But it honestly hasn't bothered me all that much, I mean, it’s not like we ever had a real relationship to begin with, so why would I have missed something I’ve never known? But the truth is, I do know that I’ve been missing out. Something which was never made more clear than when I read my cousin’s description of her family as "the most unconditionally loving family she’s ever seen". Wow! Now that, right there, is what family is all about. That’s what I’ve been missing since I so foolishly left that same unconditionally loving family to move out here in an effort to hide from life. That love, that peace and harmony and sense of belonging, which I was so grateful to reclaim even a small part of during our recent visit to CA. That feeling is what I covet.


Blogger Sandi said...

Relationships can be so hard. One thing is that you can't have a good realationship all by yourself. Both parties have to make an effort. Do you think they know you would want to improve the relationship??

I'm glad they sent the card. Better late than never!!

3:51 PM  
Blogger B said...

She knows, I said as much in my initial response to the email she sent letting me know she had found my blog. And unless she's on board, dad won't make any moves. After all, he's the one that has to live with her. I'm hoping she just needs time... lots of time.

4:55 PM  
Anonymous jilly said...

I'm also glad she didn't draw Emily into the drama and sent a card/cheque. Yeah, I know your dad has to live with her, but you're his daughter so hopefully he'll step up to the plate once she's simmered down a bit and tell her to make peace. Sigh, I blame TV shows like "Leave it to Beaver" for giving us all these expectations about family life (granted, the Beav is before your time ;)

Kashi Go Lean Crunch Honey Almond Flax? pfft. I'm lucky to find a box of Go Lean anything on the shelves around here. I suppose I'll have to make a trek to Buffalo to check this one out now!

10:00 AM  
Blogger Luflic said...

Family drama is so errrrrrr. That unconditional love you covet I truly believe that is what every individual wants, and needs. Think of what a great world this would be if that were only true.

Glad Em got a check. She should not have to suffer any ill from the adults.

They say time heals all right....

8:22 PM  
Anonymous alex said...

You are, and have always been, a part of my "unconditionally loving family"... even if it's via phone and email.

Now if only jetBlue would fly to AR, you could work for them and fly out here more often for free! OR I'd happily kick out my roommate to have you and Em live here with us! Just think, the average temp is in the 70s and we're 20 minutes from the beach. hehehe

12:40 AM  

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