Saturday, September 16, 2006

Em is all better, and I never got it, thanks completely to all of your good vibes I'm sure! The SUV on the other hand, is in not so great shape. It's amazing what a family of six can do to a vehicle in a manner of just a few years. It will need work, and even then I doubt we get what we need out of it. I'm not happy about it, but really, what can I do? What's done is done and all we can do is make the best out of what we have. Still sucks just the same though, ug! ;D

So, here's something interesting. I dunno why, but I’ve been thinking a lot about what I did lately, y’know, the whole “great escape”, and it strikes me at how it still sends such a chill through my body and butterflies flapping wildly in my tummy. I have these momentary flashbacks every now and then, which take me right back to that place of fear and confusion. Not only that though, these little blasts from the past are, in fact, eliciting a whole other set emotions as well, namely deeply shameful guilt. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am certain that I did the right thing, and in the very best and most acceptable way, as it could not possibly have worked out better (ie, no ensuing fight on his part), but that is not my struggle. What I’m having a hard time with is just how coldhearted it was just to do that to another human being, to any human being. To pack up and leave without warning, taking Em away and hiding out for several days, him not knowing where we were. The very act of calling him at the end of that physically and emotionally exhausting day and merely saying to him, “You’ll need to find another ride home, I moved out today.” OMG, I cringe just thinking about it. It literally makes my stomach churn just to relive it in my head, as I’m doing now. Again, not saying it wasn’t necessary, believe me, I know it was. But setting that aside for just a moment, I can’t help but feel horrible over the act itself. Now, just to be clear, he’s not giving me grief about it or anything. He seems to have completely accepted it and moved on, thank goodness! Which I find interesting considering his many profound declarations of eternally lasting love, and vows to never “give up” on our relationship (which is precisely what I’ve always done according to him). Makes me wonder if he’s ever really known the true meaning of love, or if he is even truly capable of it? Anyway, he has nothing to do with this, no, this one is all about me; I’m having a hard time reconciling the necessity of it with the incomprehensibility of the act. I mean, I did that! And not in a rah rah, I am woman hear me roar kind of way. I mean, OMG, I effing did that! How could I do that… to anyone?

It’s been almost five months now. It’s amazing how easily, but sometimes I forget what it was really like. How desperately unhappy and stuck I was for so, so long. But then nights like tonight happen with Em sitting quietly in my lap, surrounded by other happy families and giggling children. We were at an outdoor theater during a community showing of The Wizard Of Oz, with a sultry southern breeze playing softly through our hair, her hand clasped tightly in mine, and her sweet head nuzzled softly into my neck. I was reminded of how tension free our new life has become, how easily we can enjoy such simple pleasures without having to walk on eggshells and wait expectantly for the other shoe to drop. How easily we can just go and do what we like now without worry of messing up in some miniscule way or another. So I pulled in a few deep breaths of her sweet smelling scent, kissed her softly on the head and closed my eyes, just willing myself to keep this feeling close, to hold it as a constant reminder of just how worth it all of this has been. How utterly and completely worth it all of this has been. I wonder though, do you think she felt it too? I hope so, I really really do.

It’s also quite disturbing how easily I’ve lost my way since then, not knowing quite what to do with myself now that I didn’t have this or anything else to focus on anymore. That’s why I think the binging got so out of hand, it was about freedom and, in turn, losing my structure. I didn’t have anything to occupy my mind anymore since I was long past losing the initial weight and then finally finding myself free from my own personal hell. Now that I look back on it, I find it no coincidence that I set out to tackle each obstacle separate of the other. The weight loss was all consuming, taking every bit of my focus and attention. After that, the reality of my marital situation began to really set in, and then my focus was on making it through one day after the next, after the next, again, all consuming. I literally concentrated on getting through one day at a time with as little conflict as possible. And on the conflict filled days? Well, there was always a new day coming to prepare for, so I tried not to dwell on them too much. That’s why I think I didn’t have the kind of trouble with food like I’m having now. I had something to focus on, so there was no time for my mind to wander. But after my latest triumph, I was left with a feeling of “now what?” Nothing? Kewl, let’s eat! And eat I did. Now? Well, at least I have something to focus on again, re-losing some weight. Woohoo, yippee! ;D Gee, think I could have at least found something a little less destructive to cure my boredom? Yeah, well, hindsight and all that jazz… you know how it goes. It’s not much, (the weight that needs taking back off) but damn how having a goal just seems to make more sense out of everything. But WTF is up with that? Seriously, can I not just be content? And now, I can’t help but wonder again, when I re-lose these last few pounds, which are coming off slowly but surely BTW, what will be next? Hmmm, guess I better get to figuring that one out. At least before it’s too late and my silly little noggin decides to throw another doozey my way. Hey, wouldn’t want to be board now would I?


Blogger Sandi said...

Very interesting post today.

I don't think anyone would be "happy" about treating someone in a "coldhearted" manner, so I understand those feelings. But I honestly don't think your actions were coldhearted. Is it coldhearted when a dog is put down because he attacked a child? No, it's sad, but it has to be done. Can't take any chances. Same kind of thing in my mind. It was never how you preferred to handle it. But it had to be done. Couldn't risk Em any more harm. If Bub would have managed any other way, you would have done that. But you tried the more "sensative" approach years ago and never got out. I think maybe what you need to do here is forgive yourself for what "appears" to be coldhearted and believe that it was the only way. I do. I also think that maybe Bub is ok with all this because of the way it was done. It wasn't this long drawn out thing where he exhausted himself trying to keep you. He immediately had to deal with - they are gone. I think it was the better way for his personality.

As far as what to occupy your mind with when the few extra pounds are gone. How about your goal of a house. That should occupy your mind for a few years!! :)


12:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with Sandy--never EVER doubt yourself for leaving him. In the long run it is the very best thing--for all of you.

I still maintain that Bub has his issues about Em because he cannot control things anymore. That is why he is always wanting every little detail of her life, so he can see if he can get some sort of control.

Is Bub getting any counseling for himself? I don't think I've ever heard you say if he has or not. are out. You are healing. You will be stronger than ever.


1:01 PM  
Anonymous sandy said...

Bev, Boredom is the enemy! I have the same problem. When I'm bored I can come up with every excuse in the book to eat. All I have to do is walk through the kitchen and I am tempted to stop and graze. It doesn't have to be anything really fattening or rich either. I just want something to stuff in my mouth. What is that!!!!!!

1:10 PM  
Anonymous jilly said...

Sigh...that's the drawback of having a sensitive soul (mind you, I think its a wonderful quality to have). Naturally you cringe about how your escape came about, because you imagine how you'd feel if that happened to you. Thing is that's a moot point, because you'd never give anyone any reason to treat you that way.

Yes, its sad that you had to go against the grain of your character by being cold-hearted, but he gave you no choice. I know you would have reasoned with him if you thought he'd listen, but you knew he wouldn't. You had to get yourself and Em out of there and it was the only way. Period. Its okay to feel bad about it. Its a human response and so "you". I, on the other hand, relish the cold, calculated way it played out. But that's me. ;)

Now get out there and focus your attention on living your new life! Make some mistakes and learn from them! Have fun with your daughter! Take some more risks (its not so scary after all, right?) Hell, you can worry about sitting back and being content when you're 85, missy! xox

1:28 AM  
Blogger Luflic said...

Em is a very lucky young lady to have a mom that loves her this much. Enjoy these moments they fly by!

Jilly you are a wise woman good insight here and I concur!

8:06 PM  

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