Saturday, September 23, 2006

Hi, I’m Beverly and I’m a compulsive overeater. Apparently that’s how you’re supposed to introduce yourself every time you speak at OA. No seriously, like every single time you speak, weird. Not bashing the program or trying to be negative, it just struck me as odd, that’s all. Anyway, in case you hadn’t guessed, I went to my first OA meeting last night (Thursday). Yup, I stuck in a tape for Survivor and Grey’s Anatomy, (oh, Christina crying at the end was just heart wrenching, wasn’t it?) dropped Em off at Bub’s, tucked my tail between my legs and took the leap in hopes of finding something to save me from myself. Have I found that something? Well, that still remains to be seen. But whether it’s through this program, some other, or of my own volition, I will not continue down this path of self-destruction. I just won’t. It seems that somewhere along the way I gave myself permission to eat like shit just because I felt like it and because it tastes so darn good. What ever gave me the impression I could get away with such ridiculous behavior, given the nature of my food addicted personality, is beyond me, but I did nonetheless, and now I must work to correct the damage I’ve done. Not only physically like the bit weight I’ve regained along with the loss of muscle tone and stamina, but emotionally as well, like the loss of my drive and resolve to sustain a healthy lifestyle. So, will I “work the program” as the OA’ers say? I dunno, it all seems so churchy to me. Sure, it’s not supposed to be based on any particular “higher power”, but they all sure were saying God and He a lot. And honestly, what could I expect from living in the bible belt? Any coincidence that the meeting was actually held in the basement of a church? Hmmm… It’s all just a bit much for me. The concept of the program is good though. Admit that you have a problem, look into yourself for the roots of the problem, practice abstinence and rely on the support of others who share said problem. I get it, I do. But to turn my fate and myself completely over to a “higher power”, to “let go and let god”? I just don’t think so. No, I think I’ll just stick with being my own higher power for now. That’s not to say that I won’t adopt some of OA’s principles and tools, like I mentioned, the concept is a good one. I’m just gonna do this thing my way. It worked for me before; by golly, it can work for me again.

I’ve been hiding this week, not reaching out like I could or should, that’s just what I do when I get like this. But I have been trying to remain present and mindful of myself. I’ve been logging any food related emotions along with dates and times, so that I may get a better handle on what pattern, if any, is associated with my menstrual cycle, and also, just to see where I stand on a daily, sometimes hourly basis with my deeply emotional relationship to food. It’s been… interesting, to say the least. I still can’t help but wonder if medication wouldn’t be beneficial to some degree. Just a little something to take the edge off of my anxiety and overactive freak out tendencies. I don’t want anything that would change who I am, just something that would allow me to not make such a big deal out of every freaky little thought or emotion that happens to cross my mind. I can’t help but think that it doesn’t have to be as hard as I always seem to make it. “It” being life in general. How is it that some people can just be content with their lives? Never really giving the why’s and how’s much thought and consideration. Much like my inability to understand how some people don’t obsess about food. I simply don’t get that. How can they just not give it much thought? How can they buy a candy bar and forget about it altogether? How can they leave a carton of ice cream in the freezer until it has to be thrown out due to freezer burn? How do they not size up the buffet table like vultures, making sure to take note of what they must get to first before it’s all gone? Or wonder, when being served, if their piece was of equal size to all the others? But you know what I realized? I was one of those people for a time. Sure, I may have been faking it, or suppressing my nature so deeply that I even fooled myself into thinking I was past all that. But for a period of time, while I was losing the weight and for the two or so years after, I was one of those people, as much as someone like me could be anyway. We had sweets in the house, candy just sitting in the cabinet left untouched. Ice cream and pastries and my beloved Kashi along with a variety of other cereals, chips, and crunchy yummy things. They were there, and I didn’t eat them. Didn’t want to, didn’t crave or feel the need to indulge (for the most part anyway, I had my moments of course). So how did I do that? I can’t, for the life of me, remember now. But I did, I know I did, and I want that back, I need that back. Is that what this higher power is supposed to provide me? A sense of peace and serenity? The ability to let go of my demons and allow clarity to prevail once more? Hmmm, it certainly sounds appealing, doesn’t it? Anyway, I think it’s time I turn off my thinker and take my butt to bed. We’re taking Em to the county fair tomorrow, and I must not allow myself to be sleep deprived knowing that we have a day with Bub ahead. He seems increasingly crabby lately, so I’m guessing he’s cycling closer to the next major blow up, which is bound to happen sooner or later. I hate not knowing what it’ll be that gets him going, I feel so unprepared. But there is no preparing with him, no way of knowing ahead of time because there simply is no rhyme or reason to his madness. If it’s not one thing, it will be another, there’s no doubt about that. So I will go, and give Em the best possible time, and try to stay away from the funnel cakes and fried oreos (seriously, how good can that even be?) that seem to call to me now more than ever. And once again, I will relish in the fact that when the day is through, Em and I get to come home to peace and quiet, to our own little sanctuary of unconditional love and happiness, and know, without a doubt, that we are free.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Meaghan said...

Bev, I've never commented on a blog before but I just wanted to let you know I'm a faithful reader and I'm with ya! your post today really touched me. I feel the same way with food and I recently lost 35 pounds and that took me a year and a half. Then yesterday we went to a cookout and I had lots of chips and dip, 4 or 5 brownies and a hot dog. I need to get back on track today and your post is an inspiration today to me not to let this be a slippery slope. I think "normal" people can go to a picnic, eat a little more than usual, not think twice about it, then go back to good portions the next day. Sounds so simple!!!

6:51 AM  
Anonymous jilly said...

I applaud your strength for throwing down the gauntlet and vowing not to continue on that path of self-destruction. Proud of you (as usual).

I run hot and cold. I can either have ice cream slowly developing freezer burn or I have to quickly run out (before anyone notices) and replace the tub I ate. There's good days, great days and, occasionally, dismal days. I can't see that changing anytime soon. Perhaps its wrong to say it won't ever, but I'm preparing myself for that just in case. We're a special breed, you know.

I know you don't like to "think" all the time and/or over-analyse every little thing to death, but I read somewhere that its only truly intelligent people who do that and never allow their mind to rest (if that helps). I think a lot of it still has to do with the adjustment period and coming to terms with your new life. In fact, I bet you're even a little afraid to sit back and be content because you haven't really come to terms with how totally your life has changed (even though you do appreciate your newfound freedom).

Heck, you acknowledged that Em would need some help dealing with it all, is it not possible for you, too? Surely there's some government or non-profit agencies out there offering professionals to help with the "demons". I know there's only so much your loyal supporters here can do, but never forget we ARE here. xox

2:12 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

I have been to OA before too and I think it's like anything else where it just doesn't click for everyone. I am far too chatty for that group.

I know that you can and will get back the frame of mind you need to stay healthy and strong!!

I am here from you every step of the way!!

8:33 AM  
Blogger Luflic said...

Hello I to am a compulsive overeater. Hey you got company girl.

Bev I know you are down but Know this too you are a real inspiration to me.

Hang tough you will come over the other side a winner! I hope I can grab your shir tail.

6:48 PM  
Anonymous Sandy Tebow said...

Bev,
As usual I am in awe of your honesty and insight. You are going to be fine. Why just a couple weeks ago you were marveling at the idea that you can be considered a "thin person". What does that mean really? I know I will never be a "thin person" because, in my head, I will always be the chubby lady. You probably have that same image in your head of yourself. Oh well, so be it. Now to address the compulsive eating. Think today! Yesterday is gone never to be seen again. What you ate yesterday can't be changed. What you may eat tomorrow is not something you should be worried about yet. What you eat today, you have control over. Everyday is a new beginning for your food choices. I can totally relate to your tendency to binge. I am a binger too. Certain foods sound good, taste good and I want my fill. Just remember, live for today. Make good food choices today.
hugs and more hugs,

12:47 PM  

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