Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Well, it seems I spoke too soon. Something has now happened. No, it wasn’t Bub being Bub; this goes way beyond just that. As I’ve mentioned, Em has been getting more comfortable spending time with him, and even went so far as to spend the night with him Saturday for the first time in I don’t know how long. She had fun and enjoys the copious amounts of undivided attention he bestows upon her given the fact that he sets everything else aside when spending any time with her. He plays with her, he buys her stuff, they act silly together, and he goes along with hours on end of all her goofy games and make believe because he simply devotes the time they have together solely to her. To a nine year old, this means that daddy’s house is all just playtime, no chores or responsibilities, and best of all, no real life to contend with. So here’s her novel idea, why not just live with daddy part time? Then she can have fun so much more of the time! Woohoo! Really, can you blame her? She is, of course, forgetting the absolute hell and agony of living in the same house as that man. But remembering would only throw a wrench in her master plan of fun, so why would she want to do that? Such denial, such avoidance, gee, wonder where she gets that from?? ;D Anyway, she comes up with this grand idea of living one week with him and one week with me. I, of course would still pick her up from school and keep her until he gets off work on his weeks, as I am the only one who can drive, and basically do all the chauffeuring, as usual. And not only does she come up with this idea in a manner of minutes, but she wants an immediate answer and starts checking the calendar to see which week we could start! I must admit, my world started to crumble a bit there at first. My shock and disbelief were overwhelming and I had to just shut down in order to make it through the night and most of the next day. Don’t worry, I’m better now that I’ve had some time to process, but there for a while, well… it was tough to say the least. I even lost my appetite at first… only to find it again with a vengeance Monday evening. Needless to say, my streak has now been broken. Lucky for me, starting over is always an option.

So, here’s the real kicker. This master plan of hers? She formulated it while actually on the phone with him, so he knows all about it, and is of course all gung ho and relishing in the fact that she wants to live with him, talking about how we need to sit down and work out the details to set the plan in motion. Yippee. Luckily, after talking with him about it a little later, I found out that he has a much different idea of how this should play out than she does. Apparently, being a full time parent doesn’t really fit well into his life, as if it ever did. So having her come to stay with him for an extended period would have to be very planned out ahead of time in order for it to work for him. Okay, whatever dude. Anyway, his idea was more like several days to a week, but only once a month or so. And then, if he had something he needed to do during his time, he was sure I could watch her for him since I never do anything in the evenings anyway. Asshole. Yeah, I never did anything because I didn’t want to have to do it with HIM! Well, okay, I actually don’t ever do anything anyway, but dammit, that doesn’t mean that I couldn’t! Asshole.

Anyway, he still agrees that her primary residence should remain with me, and that we should just do this on a limited basis to try it out for now, and if we want to make it more frequent in time then we can. Uh yuh, like that’ll happen. I have no doubt that after the first or second week of living back under his rule, Em will be re-thinking this whole grand idea of hers, wondering just what in the hell she’s gotten herself into. But y’know what? That’s just a lesson she’s gonna have to learn on her own. It’s not my place to remind her of what living with him was like, even though I think she secretly wishes I would. That way she wouldn’t be responsible for this decision, or for backing out of it for that matter. Nope, if she wants to play this game, then she’s gonna have to be prepared for the outcome. Maybe, just maybe, she’ll figure out that boring ‘ol stable and reliable mom ain’t so bad after all. She also hasn’t mentioned it again since that night, so I kind of have the suspicion that she has since given it more thought and realized that maybe it wasn’t the best idea after all. I don’t know this for sure, but it is sooooo her style to just pretend that nothing happened when she figures out that she made a mistake. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she just said, “what are you talking about, I never said I wanted to live with daddy” if I were to bring it back up. But that’s where she messed up. See, the fact that she planned all of this out with Bub already means that she won’t get to just pretend it never happened. Oh nooooo, he’s not about to let this one go. Nope, she’s gonna have to stay with him at least once because the bug has already been planted and now it’s too late to change her mind. Lessons learned the hard way are always the best ones learned, aren't they? And he’s already started talking to me about how different things would be if she were to live with him part time. How he simply doesn’t have the time or the budget to keep up his weekend antics all week long. And how she would have chores and rules and responsibilities just like always. Poor thing, she really has no idea what’s in store for her, does she?

So, what now? Well, I guess I’ll be getting myself a one-week vacation sometime soon, with the possibility of more to come. At least, that’s how I’m choosing to look at it since the idea of my baby not living with me full time anymore is still too much to bear. I guess I am confident enough in my consistency, along with her knowledge of my unconditional love for her to know that this couldn’t possibly last, and that ultimately, she’ll realize that I am, by far, the lesser of two evils. Sooner or later she’ll figure out that life can be about fun and rules and responsibilities, and that she simply can’t always have whatever she wants. Y’know, this being a kid business is some pretty hard work! But wait until she has to be a full-time grown up, heh, she’ll only wish she had it so easy!


Anonymous jilly said...


First of all, those pics are gorgeous (the scenery as well as the females).

You know this little plan is going to fall through, don't you? The more he realizes he can't handle being more than an overnight parent and the more she realizes it won't be all fun and games with daddy bub, it'll all fall by the wayside. Sure, it may take a visit or two before it crumbles totally and, as you said, a valuable lesson will be learned by li'l Miss Emily, but before long things will be back to status quo (and no doubt they'll both find a way to blame YOU for it not working out! ;) xox

2:02 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

Even as an adult I hate it when I speak because I am excited and then when I have had a moment to process, I realize I should have never said anything. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut!!

I think you are taking a great approach and I am pretty pround of you. And jilly's right, you know this will never become a permanent every other week thing. And hey, who doesn't need some free time!!!

No close the kitchen and get back to work missy!! Make today day 1!!

1:35 PM  
Blogger Luflic said...

Hopefully this will be a valuable lesson for all involved. Perhaps Em and Bub will see how valuable you are. You really do have a great attitude here.

I have a married daughter in Ohio and I know the pain of not feeling needed and wanted. It stinks.

2:24 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

Gosh what a bomb to drop! My heart sunk in my tummy just thinking of initial reaction and then I thought along the same lines as you: It's something she has to learn on her own.

Have you thought of telling him on his week's he is responsible for everything? I know that he is legally blind and doesn't drive but you shouldn't have to be his chauffuer. I would even make a point to plan activities in the evenings so you won't be available. Just my two cents though. :)

4:23 PM  
Anonymous Aunt Sandy said...

I agree with you! Lessons learned the hard way are ususally remembered. I can imagine your heart must have just fell like a rock. Children, even wonderful loving ones like Em, can be so short sighted. Experiences are also quickly forgotten.
Keep up the good work with her. She is still a work in progress and she isn't finished yet.
hugs and more hugs

4:37 PM  

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