Saturday, October 14, 2006

Well, it’s official, I’m on drugs. Okay, okay, one drug, Paxil to be exact. I went to the doctor, and no, it was most certainly not the same one who told me there must be something wrong with me for losing so much weight on my own, and who tried to run a whole bunch of unnecessary tests on me. Nope, I picked me out a nice, new lady doc who recognized my distress for what it was and said here’s a magic little pill to make it all better, woohoo! I liked her a lot and I think I’ll stick with her as my regular doc, cuz you know I’m gonna have to go back after the chastising I got for dodging all those paps over the last nine years. Sheesh, you’d think I had committed a mortal sin or something! Yeah, yeah, yeah, here’s the plan; if I can get some sort of deal worked out where it’s not costing me an arm and a leg, then I’ll go back and have my nether regions checked and cleared so everyone can rest assured that my girly business is all in proper working order… soon… no really, I swear! I also liked her cuz she understood my need to keep things as low cost as possible so she prescribed a higher than necessary dosage of pills (40 mg.) and instructed me to break them in half so they’ll last twice as long. Now that’s my kind of doc! Anyway, she said I probably wouldn’t notice any difference for a few weeks, and then all of a sudden things will just seem easier to deal with, and I wouldn’t feel like a blubbering idiot so much of the time, which is precisely what I’m looking for. So for the time being, she said I just gotta hang on, and hopefully things will start to look up soon.

Em spent the night with Bub again Friday night, and I am appalled by how lost I feel without her here. My life is so completely wrapped up in hers that when she’s not here I don’t even know what to do or how to feel. I know I need a life of my own, but I spent so long just trying to protect her, then working to save her, and now trying to give her as normal and happy childhood as possible, that I never really learned how to do those things for myself. And I don’t really know what to do about it, or what to even make of this realization, but since it was rattling around up there, I figured I might as well share it.

Bub called me this morning, (Saturday) apparently they had been “having issues” since the night before but now it finally got too much for him and he didn’t know what to do with her anymore. He was clearly frustrated and annoyed, and she was having none of it, refusing to talk about anything. He wanted me to come mediate; he wanted to hash it all out right then and there, as is his way. They obviously needed a break from each other, but that goes against his very being. Nope, you have to face your problems head on and work through them until they’re resolved no matter how long it takes, or how unwilling the involved parties are to cooperate. It’s a control thing, and although he realizes that others work differently than he does, he is not satisfied unless things go his way, which is the right way of course. Ug. He wanted me to come back him up, to make her understand that resorting to disrespecting him is not an option, and to get her to talk it out with him and resolve their issues right then and there. Dude, she’s NINE! It’s a simple fact, when she gets like this, there is no talking to her rationally, there is no getting her to take responsibility for her actions, there is only defensive stubbornness until she has a chance to back away from the craziness and collect herself. When given that chance she can almost always identify how she contributed to the chaos through her actions and words. And not only will she see it, but she will also understand how inappropriate it was and typically end up apologizing for her behavior all on her own. This is just how she works. But since it’s always all about him and making sure his wants and needs are met first and foremost, he apparently can’t just let go and try what actually works with her, oh nooooooo, she should be able to conform to his way, since it iiiiiiis best and all. Anyway, I finally talked him into letting her take a break for a couple of hours, with the promise that we would come back so they could “talk” about it more. So I took her out to lunch since she was starving cuz according to him, everything, including hunger must wait when there are issues to be worked out. Then we came back home, chilled out, put up some Halloween decorations and made plans to have Sheree come stay the night (yes, they’re friends again… this week anyway) and then, low and behold, she was ready to talk about it. Gee, go figure. The discussion took 15 minutes, tops. She knew she was being a disrespectful little heifer and that she had crossed the line (even though Bub was being his typical self, which is more than any human being should be expected to put up with, and probably deserved much of what he was getting from her) But the point is, she knew it wasn’t okay, and she owned up to and apologized for her behavior. Now, was that really sooooooo hard? And the whole time, I couldn’t help but smugly think to myself, all this after only one night together? Heh, let’s just see how a whole week goes; now that should be interesting! Let’s just say I felt a little more secure in my role as primary caregiver after that one.

Anyway, she's home tonight, Sheree is over, they're enjoying being kids, as they should be, and all is once again right with the world, sigh...


Anonymous Jen said...

It won't be long until the light bulb comes on over Em's head, and she will realize living with Bub is a BIG HUMONGOUS mistake!

Okay now missy, regarding your Paps (you missed NINE YEARS????), please please please GO get checked out. Even go to a Planned Parenthood--I believe that is one of the services they provide on a sliding scale. But DON'T neglect doing it!

You've probably seen the commercials lately about how there is a common virus that can cause cervical cancer...ask for an HPV test when you go get your pap. I imagine pretty soon it will become as routine as a pap.

I have HPV, and unfortunately have a few of the high risk strains of it. So I go every 3-6 months for a cervical checkup--either a pap or a colposcopy, to determine if there are any cancerous or pre-cancerous cells. For me, two minutes (or less) of some discomfort and mild embarrassment is worth saving my life.

So please take care of your body!! Your life (and Em's too) depends on you being whole and well.


1:14 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

Glad to hear you found a doc that you really like. I hope the pills will give you the relief you need and deserve.

Glad to hear you got Bub to listen to how to handle Em. As for you feeling lost when she is gone, why not make a list of things you wanted to do all these past years but put them off for whatever reasons. Then each time she is gone, you can begin tackling your list. :)

3:01 PM  
Blogger Luflic said...

We are in like shoes as far as needing to find a life. I was very involved with my girls as they grew up and now one is married and in another state and I too am wandering around keeping myself busy. I promise you it gets easier. Earlier you said you wanted to write.... Use the time. Take an adult ed class. They are reasonable. The library offers a lot of free things. Join a book club.
So glad you like the dr. it is hard to find one that meshes!

May the car have 100,000 more miles:)

4:03 PM  
Anonymous jilly said...

Well, there you go! So glad you found a doctor you're comfortable with and who recognizes all your needs. In a couple of weeks you'll be feeling so much better and ready to tackle life with ease! :)

I see, so Bub can barely make it through one night of parenting without boo hooing to you for help. Next thing you know, he'll be suggesting you come along and stay over when its his time with Em so you can take care of every little thing he just can't handle (and cook the meals, too). Yeah, I can see this whole joint custody thing's gonna work out just fine. I wonder who'll ask for it to end first, him or Em?

Once the paxil takes effect and you're feeling more at peace with the world, you'll find it easier to tackle new things and pursue other interests when Em's not around. Trust me. ;)

10:22 AM  
Blogger Gretchen said...

I love reading your posts. You are so real. Whether you realize it or not, you are a super parent. You obviously have it totally together in that department. I really admire your strength. Seriously.

As for the PAP.. I fear the unknown. Eventhough I KNOW its best to be proactive, I'd just rather not think about it and continue to live in a world of "it's not going to happen to me". I had to get checked when I had my son. Believe it or not, that's the first PAP I ever had! EVER! I had actually become more embarrased that I had gone 29 years without one than opening up my privates to a stranger for 2 minutes. It's worth the piece of mind getting it done. I'm sure you know that. But like I said, it took me 29 years to get one and had I not gotten pregnant, I don't know if I ever would have gone... isn't that just plain stupid? I think I feared they would find something, but having them not find something (for 29 years) is much worse. I got so lucky that I was clean. You better believe, that I'm going every other year now! I've got a son, that I have to be healthy for!

Anyway, I am so glad to hear about Paxil. I have been on Lexapro and Zoloft on 2 separate occasions. You'll be amazed at how much different things become. I almost got to care-free! I think everyone goes through anxiety and stress. I think its normal. I also think that the advances in medicine and their ability to help ease/control these things is totally amazing. I can't wait to hear how it goes for you.

Here's to a more relaxed life!


12:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have really enjoyed reading your blog ! WalMart has a generic Rx program that may work for you.

9:57 PM  

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