Thursday, August 23, 2007

Tail between my legs as I sheepishly crawl back to this forsaken world of blogging, with the love, support, wisdom and kindness those within have bestowed upon me during my greatest moments of joy, fear, excitement and sorrow.

But will they still have me? My fearful mind wonders. Of course they will, the stronger resoundingly declares. Have you forgotten so easily the acceptance they’ve unconditionally lavished on you? They will always be there, quietly watching and knowing with impish certainty that you are indeed, finally on the right path.

And what a path it has and will continue to be…

I started my college courses this week. Psych, World History, Government & Politics, and College Writing. So far only World History scares the shit outta me, but that’s only so far. My WH professor has a lovely Irish accent (I do love me an accent) and a very dry sense of humor, which goes perfectly with his hard ass attitude and displeasure of ever having to read “rubbish” of any sort. And rubbish he’ll have I’m sure; as all tests and quizzes are to be in the form of essays… yes, essays. What the hell have I gotten myself into? Just breathe...

So what else is new? It’s been a long, loooooong summer, but Em finally started fifth grade this week as well. She’s switching classes now, making new friends, riding the bus to and fro, and building her independence at lightening speed. She’ll be ten in a few weeks… double digits… a tween. What the hell have I gotten myself into? Just breathe...

Bub has officially secured his lifetime membership in Loserville, hitting all time lows, the likes of which I never thought possible. He’s spiraling now, having lost all sense of the control he once so desperately coveted. It’s sad really, to watch someone crash and burn this way, regardless of how I feel about the person, I can’t help but feel sorry for him and the mess he’s made of his life. Perhaps I wear my heart too readily on my sleeve, especially considering the hell he so easily inflicted upon us, but I cannot help but feel compassion for the human being so obviously in chaos. He’s apologized y’know, during a desperate phone call full of pain and confusion. He apologized for being the way he “was”, wondering how I… we ever could have lived with him like that. It sent me into a tailspin at first, the acknowledgment of so many wrongs that can never be righted, but time has worn on, and quite frankly I’ve heard it all before. "I think I’m starting to get it now" he says. No Bub, you’ll never “get it”. But that’s okay; I’ve long since given up that particular need. There is no talk of reconciliation, just so ya'll know, its not like that in the slightest. I’ve closed that door, shredded it Monsters style, except this one never to be reopened, not even by the likes of Sully or Mike. He’s just desperate to talk... to anyone who'll listen, and since I'm the one who knows him best he’s come to lean on me in his new state of weakness. How ironic that I’ve somehow transformed into the stronger of the two. Except for the small little fact that I’ve come to let him lean on me in my own weakness as I’ve yet to learn how not to. Dear god, what the hell have I gotten myself into? Breathe; just breathe croons Anna Nalick, somehow grasping just how difficult the involuntary action can prove to be at times.

Melodramatic? Who me? Naaaaaah! Merely thoughtful lately, nothing more...

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so glad you're back! I have missed reading your blog. Back to school for both you and Em, that's fantastic.
I will make no comments about your interactions with Bub. You are a caring compasionate woman and it's only natural that you care about his self destruction.
You'll do great in school and you might even have some fun along the way!

Lyn

8:46 AM  
Blogger illahee said...

i'm glad you're back, too! going back to school sounds like fun! haha, yes, i just wrote that. i wish you the best of experiences with that!

4:32 PM  
Anonymous Kery said...

It's only very recently that I found your blog back... sorry for not having commented sooner. (I had dropped off the face of blogs for some time, and the address had already changed when I came back.)

I hope everything goes well for you at school. I resumed college last year as well, so now I know how overwhelming it can seem, and the kind of questions one might ask to herself about that choice. Good luck in that endeavour (and in the others as well, of course).

11:39 AM  
Anonymous Jilly said...

You again? ;)

Love the thought of you both being back at school. As for essays and icky tween stuff - deeeeeeeeep breaths! You'll come through it all fine, my dear.

Hmmmmm, Bub. For Em's sake I hope he gets his shit together enough to be a responsible parent. I sure envy you your compassionate nature.

Missed your musings like hell! xox

1:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ditto what Jilly said! I check here once a week waiting and HOPING for some scribbling from you!

When it all seems too much, just reflect back on the other MAJOR accomplishments you've achieved in your short time since leaving Bub's world. If you can do THAT, you can do ANYTHING!!

Jen415

11:01 AM  
Blogger Sandy said...

I am so proud of you! Going back to school! putting up with Bub! You are a much nicer person than I would be for sure.
If you have time to blog, I always love reading yours. You have a great sense of humor and your writing style is very readable. Easy-going and conversational. I love it.

1:29 PM  
Anonymous Sandi said...

Well, looky lookly!!!

Congrats on starting school! That's awesome - what have you gotten yourself into - a huge heap of self-improvement! It'll all be worth it in th end!!

(hugs) missed you!

-Sandi

1:47 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

Congrats on taking the big step of going back to school. You will do great! Glad to hear Em is adjusting and blossoming. Good luck with everything and remember to take lots of those deep breaths.

Sara

11:33 AM  
Blogger barbygirl43 said...

She speaks :) So glad to hear you've made it through the summer and you both are in school.

I'll also ditto that I've missed your writings. I hope for all your sakes, bub gets it together.

4:42 PM  

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