Friday, May 30, 2008

What makes one fall in love? For me it’s the connection; mind, body, and soul. Knowing someone intimately and not in the physical sense (I wouldn’t remember, lmao). The excitement and addiction? Well in that case I’m in love with chocolate brownies… mmmm brownies… Sorry to the dieters among us, that was just wrong! I fell in love with Bub, as much as a 16 year old girl can. I fell in love with the attention and the excitement. Feeling special and protected. My love for him died with each negative comment, each marathon lecture, each feeling of worthlessness and incompetence his disdain for me evoked. Perhaps I even forgot how to love for a time, and I certainly found the concept of adult love unnecessary. And why wouldn’t I? His kind of love hurt. Who needs that? But now I know it doesn’t have to be that way. Now I understand that I too am worthy of love just the way I am. I am not broken beyond repair; I am me, a work in progress. And I too am capable of love in many forms. But what creates sustaining love? You know the kind I mean. The little old man brushing his bed-ridden wife’s hair because he knows instinctively that she couldn’t bear to appear disheveled if visitors came calling, whether she realizes their presence or not. Holding hands in the park, even after 30 odd years. But how do you not grow weary of the day to day hum-drum of life in general that allows your eye to wander and your thoughts to turn to turn to “what ifs”? What if the grass really is greener? What if I followed my heart through every twist and turn? What if I’ve made a mistake? No, there are no mistakes. Every question that arises is just part of the journey. Sustaining love takes work, hard work, and an open mind. And I, for one, am finally up to the challenge. Go figure.

I am not dispensable. I am worth the challenge and sacrifice. I deserve to be loved unconditionally. And I have those things to offer in return, because that’s how I work.

“The only thing that shatters dreams is compromise.” -Richard Bach (luvyahoney)

Okay, enough of this melodramatic bullshit, time to get my head outta my ass and get back to work.


Blogger Crystal* said...

You're so cute.
And utterly honest!
I understand completely what you're saying. It's something I struggle with every day.

2:15 PM  
Blogger Wien. said...

You have come so far since the Bub days, what a wonderful post to read. You deserve it all, go for it with all you've got!

6:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it."
- W. Somerset Maugham


11:16 AM  

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