Wednesday, December 23, 2009

about damn time

Sometimes trying to raise an emotionally unstable child is simply more overwhelming than I can bear. There are days when it is never ending. Then there are days when she is only just out of control enough to keep me off balance. The day in and day out struggle is exhausting, truly. I am, however, grateful that she is self aware, unlike Bub. Typically after a “bad day” she can at least admit to the irrational behavior and show sincere remorse. On the flip side though, she's taken to using her chemical imbalance as an excuse as in, “I can't help it, I have problems”. And to some extent that is true, but it remains her burden and responsibility to keep herself in check. A few weeks ago she decided she didn't need her meds anymore. I knew something was up as I watched her deteriorate but I didn't realize what it was until she confessed during an emotional outburst that left her rocking violently whilst crying uncontrollably. I often wonder if she would have been different had I gotten her out of that environment sooner, or if this would have been her fate regardless, simply for being Bub's child? There has been progress, don't get me wrong, but I still long for more good days than not.

We'll be moving into the city this summer. The hour (each way) commute got old almost immediately so we're going to downsize to save on time, money and my sanity. Of course that means selling the house but I'm pretty confidant that I'll come out ahead. Luckily Em's social limitations means she's fine with changing schools, and the school district I'm getting her into looks to be excellent and comes highly recommended. Work is going very well, it seems my customer service experience and patience with stupid people translates well in collections. I've been there for almost a year now and figure I'll probably stay for as long as they'll have me, or until my numbers hit of course. ;) They even offer tuition reimbursement so maybe I really will get a chance to go back to school when Em's ready.

I'm trying my hand at dating. I got sick and tired of being alone and figured 32 was a bit young for full on cat lady status. Luckily the friendships and relationships I've experienced sans Bub have taught me so much about what's important to me, particularly which behaviors are and are not acceptable. And that, perhaps, I really am worth special treatment. Thank you for that honey, thank you. There's such an interesting dynamic between men and women. The intensity and newness leaves my head spinning which also explains how people can jump right into relationships without really knowing each other. But I'm keeping my head on straight, as well as trying to remain realistic about the prospect of nurturing a real relationship given the severity of Em's issues. I honestly think a lot of her problem is lack of positive male/fatherly influence, but I also know it will take an extraordinary person to take this burden on. So baby steps it is, as it should be. He's a nice guy and reminds me of my step-dad so I can't really go wrong there. I'm looking for red flags and asking a lot of questions but so far so good.

Other than that, Bub's still an idiot, 'nuff said.


Blogger illahee said...

i've been thinking of you in recent days, i'm glad to hear from you! sorry to hear about your daughter, but i think she has a strong, loving mother, so i hope things improve with her soon!

good luck with your move!

11:35 PM  

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