Thursday, July 24, 2008

Bub signed. He really freakin signed. So how do I feel? Not sure yet. Relieved, stunned and surprisingly indifferent to the whole thing. No Jilly, I don’t have to allow any kind of visitation, but whether I do or not still remains to be seen. If I so choose, Em could never have contact with that man again, though I doubt that will be the case. At this point I simply don’t know. So I’ll take it one day at a time and try to stay focused on doing what’s best for her. Its so very tempting to allow spite to take over and keep her from him forever, but in my heart I know that’s not what’s best. So we’ll see, and that’s the best I got right now. I’m not officially divorced yet, there’s still one more thing to sign and then the judge has to sign off on it. But it could literally be over by the time we reach CA next week. Over, done, finito. Free to live my life and raise my daughter precisely how I see fit. Go anywhere I want without another’s permission, make any decision that I deem right and necessary. That’s some scary shit. Never once did I imagine that I’d be here, in this place, now. He was always going to be a part of my life whether I liked it or not, period. And now? Now I’m at a loss I suppose. Perhaps reeling from the realization that I am in absolute control of my life. Wtf am I supposed to do with that? I’ve never had it before and certainly never expected to have it now. Yes, I know I took control when I left, but we all knew I was still under his thumb in a sense, especially regarding Em. That’s all I’m really trying to get at. The last tether being sprung and its unexpected implications. I’ll not flounder again though, not like I did after the great escape. Blindly searching for an anchor to make sense out of chaos. I am grounded now, I know me more than I’ve ever known me before. I’m simply temporarily disoriented as I try to once again find my bearings.

Everyone congratulates me y’know, says I have reason to celebrate, woohoo! Really? Is that how I’m supposed to feel? In time perhaps I will. But for now, I dunno. Relived indifference, that’s what I know.

Ok, this is it til we get back from vacation unless I can post a quickie update when I get confirmation of the divorce being final from there. Otherwise take care and I’ll see ya’ll on the flip side. xoxo

15 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think eventually you'll feel the real impact of this--right now it is still shocking. I think after vacation your head will be clearer and you will be joyful of all of this newfound freedom.

I know the hardest part will be explaining to Em what has happened and what it all means. I pray that you will find the right words to convey the events without her feeling rejected. I hope that's even possible to do. Any way you slice it, it's going to be tricky.

Best of luck, and enjoy vacation.

8:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree. You'll go from trepidation to jubilation about your liberation soon enough.

Yes, the Great Escape was a magnificant step, but you really were still accountable to him in some respects - old habits are hard to break and he had his rights. Now the rights are gone and new healthy habits will be formed.

It won't be long until Em's in control of visitation. In my case, while I didn't overly encourage it, I never forbade it or made it difficult. At around 12 she felt she didn't need to impose undue stress on herself by willingly exposing herself to disappointment at the hands of her father and made the decision to cut ties (funny how these kids become so wise so young out of necessity).

Have a wonderful time. Enjoy your visit with family and special friends ;) We'll be here waiting to read of your adventures! xox

Jilly

1:03 AM  
Anonymous AYFS said...

[QUOTE] I’ll not flounder again though, not like I did after the great escape. Blindly searching for an anchor to make sense out of chaos. I am grounded now, I know me more than I’ve ever known me before. [/QUOTE]

WOW, Bev - this is huge!

Free at last! Free to live the life YOU choose; free to give Em the life and the home that she deserves. Free to follow the path that you know to be right. FREE...

There is no doubt - you will not flounder; you will thrive. You have an amazing, gentle, resilient spirit. You will blossom and grow in ways that you never previously imagined; your life will evolve in ways that you could not have imagined. You are free; your life will be transformed. Cast off the chains of your past!

Girl, you are FREE! Now go do what you know in your heart to be right. Your real journey and your real adventure both begin now...

"We are not physical beings on a spiritual journey; we are spiritual beings on a physical journey." - Wayne Dyer

AYFS :-)

12:10 PM  
Blogger B said...

thank you sweetie, I love you!

AYFS ;)

12:47 PM  
Blogger Navigator of Life said...

I just got back from vacation and read your post. I guess I am somewhat surprized that he actually signed, I thought for sure someone would have talked him out of it.
I understand the feeling of indifference, there can also be a feeling of loss. It's the end of a maariage and the end of a relationship good or bad it's still the end.
I know that you will do what's best for Em, and if that means setting up some kind of visitation I'm sure you will, maybe you could require some kind of supervised visitation with you in-laws or something, if you feel that it is in her best interest not to have his influence in her life than you don't have to let her see him. If she doesn't want to spend time with him you don't have to make her. You have choices now that you didn't have before. Try to remember that he didn't sign those papers because he doesn't love her, he singed them to avoid public humiliation in a court room. It's had for me to understand giving up parental rights just to avoid some embarrasment but it seems that is what he has done.
I hope you have had a wonderful vacation and arrive back home rested and ready to begin living a life with lots of new possibilites.
Good luck with the foster care, and don't give up on going to school.

Lynn

8:13 AM  
Blogger Navigator of Life said...

Hi,

It's been almost a month since we have heard from you. I hope all is well and you had a good vacation with family. Has school started for Em yet? Here in Massachusetts the kids start next week. I am sad to see summer coming to an end.

Lyn

8:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Bev

How did the vacation go? Is everything OK, we haven't heard from you in almost a month!

1:26 PM  
Blogger Navigator of Life said...

Has anyone heard from Bev? I'm really concerned that we haven't heard from her. I sure hope she is okay.

Lyn

2:24 PM  
Blogger Wien. said...

Hello Bev...

Are you home?

Let us know you're ok.

W.

11:39 PM  
Blogger Sandi said...

Just e-mailed Bev:

She said she got a second job and is running crazy, but she's fine and she'll post soon.

Sandi :)

12:23 PM  
Blogger Wien. said...

Thank you Sandi!

9:26 AM  
Blogger Navigator of Life said...

Thank you Sandi,

I will stop worrying now. It's funny how a person you only know through a blog can become someone you truely care and worry about. I'm glad to know that she is okay. I look forward to reading her next post.

Lynn

10:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess Bev has disappeared forever

9:50 AM  
Blogger Navigator of Life said...

I sure hope not. At least not before she says good-bye. We did hear that she has a new job and is very busy.

12:43 PM  
Blogger Wien. said...

Hey Bev,

This reader is still here and hoping all is ok. I know you're busy and how difficult it can be to blog after a long absence, "Where do I start?" Speaking for myself, just letting us know you and Em are ok would suit me fine.

Your blog friend,
W.

1:50 PM  

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