First things first, congratulations to Dawnyal on the birth of baby Nathanial. Ahhh, that sweet baby head smell, there just ain’t nuttin like it. Enjoy it while it lasts my friend, it fades far too quickly.

Next, I went to the only one of the two local TOPS meetings that I’m able to attend (the other conflicts with Em’s gymnastics) on Tuesday, and I have to say, it just wasn’t for me. It was a group of much older women sporting polyester and knitting bags. Not that there’s anything wrong with polyester or knitting, but they’re just not my forte. Anyway, the meetings last much longer than I realized, which simply doesn't work well with my schedule, and the most important thing is that I just didn’t feel comfortable. I’m really looking for a group setting to discuss issues rather than focusing on weigh-ins, guest speakers, and diet plans. That’s why OA appeals to me so much, regardless of the “higher power” stuff. I just want to be able to talk to others who are struggling with the same things I am. But I do have a bit of good news concerning OA; they’ve decided to start holding the meetings in my town again. I guess there was finally enough interest to justify re-organizing the group. So I’m gonna give that a shot and see if it’s something that will benefit me or not. One small drawback though, the damn meetings are to be held on Thursday nights. I mean really, don’t these folks know that Thursday is Survivor night, and now Grey’s Anatomy too? Noooooo! Perhaps I could petition a change to a more convenient day if it does end up being something I want to continue. Surely the other bingers and compulsive eaters are Survivor fans too, right? Teehee, don’tcha love where my priorities lie? ;D Oh well, that’s what VCR’s are for. Ahhhh, what I wouldn’t give for TiVo! Anyway, I’m doing better now. I’ve gotten myself back on plan with regular, thought out meals and snacks, and finally making exercise a priority again. The urge to binge is still present, but I’ve been able to suppress it for the most part this week. I think it’s just gonna take getting back into my old, healthier habits and frame of mind for it to start getting easier. I mean, it’s like I’ve essentially started over on my diet. Not that I’m starting from the same point or anything, but just with the mindset that it takes to finally say enough is enough and get down to business. It’s hard at first, but it does get easier with time and diligence. At least this much I already know. Just like I already know I can do this. After all, I have done it, and I WILL do it again. One day at a time, one day at a time…

Now for my usual Bub update, get ready, you’re gonna LOVE this one! In his neurotic need to plan and prepare for every facet of his life and future (OMG, how I DON’T miss those discussions!) he came up with what he thought to be a simple solution for one of his pressing problems, and actually had the nerve to ask me about it! He wanted to know, if it became necessary for him to move out of town (or state) to secure more reliable employment, would I be willing to pack Em up and follow him! Okay, let me just pause a moment to give you sufficient time to fully absorb what you just read... Yes, he asked if I woul move where ever he moves so that he can stay close to Em. Are you fucking kidding me?! Sure dude, we’ll move away from our home, take Em away from her friends, say goodbye to my family (the ones still speaking to me anyway! ;D) leave everything we know, and blindly follow you so that you can retain control over the daughter who prefers not to be alone in your presence and the soon to be ex wife who felt the need to escape your tyranny like a criminal in the night. Oh what the hell, why not? Teehee, just kidding, did I scare you for a sec there? ;D Ummmm, no Bub, I wouldn’t want to do that, and neither would Em. Of course he tried to reason and logic his way through it. She’s gonna be moving to a new school next year anyway, you’ve (me) never liked living in Arkansas, plus, I (Bub) would never move away from my daughter, so that’s the only way it could work, yadda yadda yadda. Ummmm, okaaay but NO. Now, as you all know, I didn’t dare say it like that, no, I was very sympathetic to his plight, but still stood my ground and remained unwavering in my initial answer. He became quietly annoyed (yes, quietly! :o) while I’m sure all sorts of evil thoughts flitted through his noggin about what an uncooperative, selfish bitch I am, but hey, what else is new, haven’t I always been? And then, to top it all off, he asked again if I was still opposed to the idea of him moving into the same apartment complex as us! Oh c’mon already! He figured, since we “get along and stuff” that maybe I had changed my mind about it. Good lord, the man is clueless. It’s not that I don’t want him that close because we fight, it’s because I don’t want him that fucking close, period! Hellooooo! I mean, can you imagine? Every time he felt like it he could just saunter on over to say howdy. Every time he needed something or a favor or a ride somewhere, every time he wanted to “discuss” something, he’d be RIGHT there. Sorry dude, no can do. Plus, every time Em got pissed at me she could just say I’m going to daddy’s! Uh, no babe, it just doesn’t work that way. Ug, what a completely uncomfortable conversation! But hey, at least I didn’t binge afterwards, so I’d say that’s progress! YAY ME! Damn, look at how excited I am about not freakin’ binging. What the hell has become of me? Oh well, this is me (for right now anyway) so this is what I will deal with and this is what I will celebrate my accomplishments for, however regressed and pathetic they may currently seem to me. What else can I do, y’know?

Well, I blew it. Remember that commitment to a binge free week? Yeah, well, I didn’t make it. Quite honestly I just don’t feel like going into the gory details right now, but I really think I need some help on this one. Lost is that sense of self-control, which made my weight loss possible in the first place. I know it’s there… somewhere, (at least that’s what I was told by someone dear to me anyway) but I just can’t seem to find it anymore, and frankly, I’m scared. The thing is, I know exactly what I’m doing when I’m doing it, yet I continue to do it anyway. So what’s the deal? Seriously, what’s it gonna take? I mean I did this thing once didn’t I? I had what it took to lose the weight in the first place. So why am I doing this to myself now? I just don’t get it. But I’ve decided to check out one of the local TOPS chapters since there’s still no OA meetings in my town, so we’ll see how that goes. I simply have to do something, and NOW.

In other news, we (Bub and I) took Em to the circus on Sunday. Ringling Bros., Barnum & Bailey. It was a fantastic show, probably not worth the money (being the cheapskate that I am) but fun and exciting just the same. We were blessed to have Bub in one of his upbeat good moods, so the trip was as enjoyable as it could possibly be with him present. He called me on Friday to set the whole thing up, and then said, “see ya Sunday” before hanging up, which to me meant that we wouldn't be expected to spend any more time with him other than that. So, the way I see it, having to spend a couple of hours with him one day was a small price to pay for knowing that Em and I would be left alone to do as we pleased for the whole weekend otherwise. No impromptu calls or expectations of time to be spent with him, ahhhhh, what a relief!!

So after I finally got him off the phone after the usual blathering, Em and I headed on over to the roller rink. I know, I’m a glutton for punishment! But Em has become totally enthralled with her newfound skating ability, so I want to encourage the physical activity, as well as her enjoyment of it as much as possible. Plus, I’ve always wished I could do it myself, so by golly, I just keep on trying, regardless of how my poor ass protests! But here’s the exciting part, I think I’ve finally got this skating thing figured out! Whoohoo! Apparently there’s a trick to it, a certain rhythm that you have to find, which I was never able to master as a kid. Not that I’ve mastered it now, of course, but at least I can get around the rink without feeling (and looking) like a complete, bumbling idiot… well, most of the time! Anyway, Em wants to spend as much of her time skating as possible, but the rink is only open on the weekends along with one other night during the week. So I think I’m going to have to invest in some roller skates of our own so that we can enjoy it whenever we want. Hmmmm, I wonder if it’s too late to find some skates as a b-day present for her? I’ll have to look into that!

Then Saturday was spent at “The Great Escape” a local fundraising event to raise money for the Women’s Shelter of Central Arkansas. These are the same wonderful women who helped me so much via email, and then in person while I was still in the midst of decision making and planning of my own “great escape” from Bub. The event was fabulous, with all sorts of booths and samples, free give aways and drawings (I won a gift certificate for a free manicure, not that I’m into that sort of thing, but hey, it’s free so who cares?!) and best of all, they had a whole section devoted to manicures, pedicures and massages! So, of course, Em and I just had to indulge in massages, I mean really, how could we not? This was Em’s first real massage (and only my second) and we both loved every minute of it! They even did our feet too, ahhhhh, heaven! Then after that, was back to the roller rink for yet another round of skating. Thank goodness for all the free passes they gave us after Em’s birthday party there last year, or I’d be one broke skating momma! Anyway, get this; I’m pretty sure I was getting hit on while we were there that night. Heh, now that’s new. The poor guy was nice enough, but obviously trying way too hard, and I’m just soooooo not interested! I realize he was just looking to engage me in some adult conversation and make a connection, but I was there with Em and my focus was on her. I know, I know, there’s more to life than her, but not right now, not for me. The truth is, at this point I could care less if I ever have a relationship again, and would actually prefer not to at all. I mean, who needs that crap? I like getting to do what I want, when I want, and not having to answer to someone else or sacrifice just to make the other happy. Sure, maybe I’m a little jaded, but really, can you blame me? Anyway, I think he eventually got the idea that I was a lost cause when I continuously failed to contribute anything of substance to the mindless smalltalk, while ignoring him when at all possible. Cold? Perhaps. But that is my prerogative, now isn’t it? ;D My mom said it must be nice to know I “still have it”. Still? Wouldn’t that imply that I ever “had it” to begin with? Gee, would liked to have gotten the memo on that one, cuz I sure as hell don’t recall ever “having it”!

Finally and update on what happened.

Oh come on already, why does this keep happening?!! Yup, I've been discovered... again. And this time it wasn't a blessing in disguise or fate or whatever you want to call it. This time, it was my stepmom, who just happens to be one of the few people besides Bub, whom I've spoken badly of here. CRAP. I took precautions but it happened anyway, and now I must deal with it's aftermath. I've moved my blog because, unlike my mom's side of the family, it's not okay for my dad's side of the family to have access to my inner ramblings. I guess because they're a little too close to home, or a little too close to Bub rather. Not that they'd purposely direct him here, but accidents do happen. Plus, I don't much feel like letting it all hang out for my entire extended family, old high school classmates, and the little old ladies at the hair salon "in town". Well, maybe that's stretching it a bit, but you get the picture. Anyway, what's done is done, and now I have to deal with it. At least I think I will anyway... eventually. But right now she wont even respond to me, so I'm just giving her space and waiting to see if she ever plans to speak to me again.

The fact that she won't respond to me really doesn’t surprise me, as that is typical of her. And I’ve decided that although I’m deeply sorry for having hurt her so, I just can’t continue kicking myself over something that’s too late to change. Sure, I wish she never had to endure the pain of reading my honest opinions, as they were never intended for her to know. Some things you just keep to yourself in the interest of getting along, especially when it comes to family. Just like how I would never tell my MIL that everyone knows she cheats when we all play cards, or that Em finds her horribly annoying. BTW, no chance of her ever finding this blog, as she thinks computers and the internet are evil and would never entertain the idea of using them for anything, thank goodness!! ;D So, I guess my point is, what’s done is done, and if she wants to talk about it and allow me to try to mend the relationship, I will. If not, then so be it, I’m certainly not going to beg. Shit happens, that’s life.

I had hoped, directly afterwards, that this could somehow pave the way for a renewed and deepened relationship with her and my dad, as we’ve never been close, rather always somewhat guarded and perhaps a bit uncomfortable around each other. I had grand ideas that maybe this too was fate and just the catalyst we needed to form a more authentic relationship. But as the days have gone by without even an acknowledgement from her, I’ve begun to wonder if this really is it, if our relationship is indeed irreparable. I guess only time will tell. But as for now, I’ve left the ball in her court, stating that when/if she’s ready or willing to talk, that I’ll be here. If not? Well… see above.

Anyway, on to other news. School started this week, woohoo!! The first day was nerve wracking for Em of cousre, with the uncertainty and self doubt of all that is new and unexpected. But by the time the day was through, she was a bouncing happy girl, full of excitment and anticipitation for what she expects to be a fabulous year. She loves her teacher, Ms. Young (an avid reader, after Em's own heart) and is excited about the new friends she is making (and old friendships she is mending) in her class.

So, here's some pics from her first day of fourth grade. Her shirt says "Treat me like an angel." Teehee, I couldn't resist! And, of course, I just have to point out the pretty pink earrings gracing her newly pierced ears. Also, you may notice there in the background of the second shot is Mischief (AKA Precious) watching intently from the window, one of his favorite spots.


















Anyway, I'm sure there's so much more to tell, but it's been a difficult week and I'm calling myself lucky to have even gotten this far with my post. I don't know what my deal is but I've just been mopey and down, and unbelievably busy. So I'm feeling a little overwhelmed (what else is new?) and quite frankly, not wanting to deal with much of anything. I have decided that I'm done with this slacking off in the eats department, cuz I just don't wanna do it anymore. I've committed myself to a binge free week (which I have lived up to so far) and plan to continue to do so from now on, one week at a time. I've also been contemplating joining OA. Although I'm not one for all that higher power mumbo jumbo, they say that this "higher power" can be whatever you make of it, not necessariy some sort of a god or whatever you want to call it. Plus, I think the real life support and accountability might do me some good. I think I need to be able to connect with others going through the same things as I am, but in real life as opposed to online. Which, in itself, is a major step for me knowing how truly anti-social I really am. So, although I dearly love my 3fc, there's just something different about sitting in the same room with people, sharing common experiences and feelings. Anyway, the only problem now is finding a meeting close enough to attend, so I can check this OA thing out and see if it's really for me or not. Apparently they used to have meetings in my town, but the group dried up and a new one has not yet been started. But the lady I spoke with said that she thinks another one will be forming shortly and asked me to call back in a few weeks to see. Otherwise, I would have to drive all the way to Little Rock (30 min away) to find a meeting, and knowing me, I just won't do that consistantly. So I guess I'm just gonna wait and see what happens in a few weeks, and then make my decision from there. Either way, I feel I need to find something, so maybe TOPS or one of the others would fit my needs if OA doesn't work out. We'll see, and I'll update more on this as it comes. Anyway, that's all for now, as there is always work to be done, yippee. ;D

Oh man, did I ever bust my ass Wednesday night! Evil, evil roller skates! See, we humans were not meant to roll I tell ya! Ug, I’m in pain, lotsa pain. So why, exactly, was I on the bloody things in the first place you ask? Trying to relive my youth? Naaaah. Trying not to be shown up by my daughter? Hmmm, maybe? Perhaps because I’m mentally deficient in thinking that I have any business whatsoever in trying to navigate a slick floor on 8 wheels? Yeah, that sounds about right. No really, I decided to take Em out for one last day o’ fun before school stats next week just because I work from home and by golly, I can! No really, my new job didn't have work for me that day, and well, the church ladies can just live without me for one day, I’m sure. So knowing I was going to take the day off, I got Em up per usual and made her a bowl of her beloved, evil little Lucky Charms while her eyes began to glaze over as she tuned into Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends (thank god she’s finally starting her expand her TV watching repertoire beyond SpongeBob!) Then, when I thought she’d had her fill, I turned the boob tube off and announced that I was playing hookey, and that we were going to have ourselves a mommy daughter fun day! Ahhh, you should have seen the glaze fall away from her eyes as they brightened in anticipation and excitement! That alone was worth the loss in one day’s pay! So, I said, waddaya wanna do? Wide-eyed blinking, anything? Yup, you pick! So after I picked her up off the floor, she got busy planning the day, while I fretted over how to let Bub know our plans without getting in trouble for anything. I ended up sending him an email, trying to sound as nochalant as possible, and letting him know how he could reach us if needed. The we got the hell outta dodge! First we went swimming at a local hospital owned gym that offers a first time free pass to use their facility, including the indoor pool and jacuzzi, so we took ‘em up on it! After that we stopped for lunch, then went back by the house to change, then we were off to spend the rest of the day in Little Rock (abt. 30 min away) doing what ever the hell we wanted to. Which included trying something that I’ve always wanted to do, but have never had the opportunity to try before; we went ice-skating!! Yes, I know I can’t roller skate, so how the hell am I supposed to ice skate? I dunno and I don’t care, I’ve always wanted to try it and that precisely what we did! And it was fun too! Em didn’t really care for it though, not like roller-skating anyway. Apparently it was too cold and too hard when you fall, according to her. But we had fun nonetheless, and she knew that we were just trying something new and if she didn’t like it then we could stop and do something else, no problems. She gave it a good hour, impressing me with how quickly she picked it up, while I teetered along the edge just trying to remain upright. We both had a few good spills onto the cold hard ice, but none worse for the wear. Then she declared that it was time to move over to the roller rink located in the same facility. CRAP! You don’t really neeeeeed me to go out there with you, do ya? You know I’ll just be scooting along the edge while you lap me over and over right? Yes mom, but I still want you to come, so let’s go already!! Oh, all right! And with that, my fate was sealed… Okay, so it wasn’t thaaaaat bad, but dammit, my butt hurts so it was a big deal to me! (whimper) So we both lace up and head on out there like I have some clue as to what I’m doing. And perhaps I was feeling a little bolstered by my better than expected ice skating experience, that I had the gall to think that just maybe I could figure this thing out. Humph, that’ll teach me! Off I went, brazenly ignoring the edge, and trying with all my might to find the rhythm that would allow my to roll free. Well, I found it all right, just before my ass found the floor. I knew I was gonna go, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop it. My wheels went out from under me and I landed (hard, then bouncing for good measure) square on my tailbone. And with as hard as I know I hit, it’s a wonder I didn’t break it, but I didn’t hear a break, and I am able to sit (gingerly) so I assume it’s only severely bruised. But OMG, did it ever hurt!! I had to just sit there a while, with tears stinging my eyes, wondering if I was even gonna be able to get up or not. But I did, then I found my way to the edge to hang on while a wave of intense nausea hit me along with a sense of an impending black out. Which thank goodness, I managed not to do, cuz the last thing we needed on our mommy daughter fun day was a trip to the ER via ambulance! Anyway, I sent Em off to skate some more, although reluctantly due to her concern for me, but I needed some time to collect myself and figure out if I could continue our day. But I decided to suck it up and not allow this minor setback to keep us from enjoying the rest of our day. So back out there I went, I’m guessing delusional from the pain, (how else could I explain my stupidity?) and continued “skating” as best I could. Then, after that, we hit the mall, namely Claire’s Boutique for the ultimate earring shopping experience. I let her agonize over; I mean pick out three pairs of earrings (buy 2 get 1 free, woohoo!) which, I swear, took her no less than a whole freakin’ hour! Good lord, tooooo many choices! We also stopped in at Dippin Dots, cuz, well how could we not? But I was good and refrained from indulging; only begging for a mere bite or two of hers. Then we went about our merry way, stopping in anywhere that caught our interests, and generally covering the entire area. We also picked her up another hermit crab, replacing the one that died shortly after we brought it home. I agonized over this one as well, knowing Bub had said he would get her another one, and not wanting to get in trouble for doing it without him. But I also knew we likely wouldn’t be back soon, so I thought it best to seize the opportunity while I had it. He ended up only chastising me for not calling him first, but generally wasn’t too tore up about it, whew! Anyway, after the mall, we wanted to go somewhere nice (and with cushioned seats!) to have dinner, but I guess the excitement of the day proved too much for Em and she spun a little out of control with her behavior and attitude. I allowed her some time to regain her composure, knowing what a sensory overload the day had been, but also showing my unwillingness to accept her belligerent behavior by way of stopping in our tracks and not going to the restaurant of her choosing after my warning of such a consequence going unheeded. She ended up calming herself down after realizing that she simply wasn’t going to get her way on this one, and we eventually made our way to dinner, although at a much less favorable choice. Oh well, you live, you learn… hopefully! Then we topped off our night at an awesome McDonalds playmaze that we just happened to spot on our way to dinner. I enjoyed some coffee, she enjoyed some playing, and then we loaded up and headed back home. Only stopping in at Walgreens to search for a butt pillow that would allow me to make it through the following days of sitting in front of the computer and attached to a phone with as little misery as possibe. And it has helped, but damn does it ever still hurt! Anyway, that was our day o’ fun. We both had a great time, sore ass notwithstanding, and I’m glad we had the chance to really take the day off before getting back to the grind of school and work.

Now, for my usual Bub update. So, here I am booking the roller rink for Em’s b-day party, and I need to check with Bub to make sure all plans are kosher with him, and it suddenly hits him that he’s gonna have to actually be in the same room as members from my side of the family, aack, gasp! Y’see, he’s never really liked my side of the family here in Arkansas, and to be quite honest, they’ve never really liked him either. Go figure. In fact, my brother and SIL are the ones who helped perpetrate my great escape almost four months ago Monday. I guess you could say that he expects to feel a tad uncomfortable at the party. So then starts the typical, world revolves around Bub, pity party, ug. This sucks, he says, I’m just thinking about what a horrible day I’m gonna have and how I can’t even be comfortable at my own daughter’s birthday party, and how I don’t want to have to put up with those people, and you know they’re gonna try to make nice and try to talk to me even though I know what they really think of me (heh, he doesn’t know the half of it!) and blah blah blah, woe is me, moan bitch moan! So, of course, I gently try to remind him (I know, why bother) that at least it’s not his special day seemingly being ruined, that it’s Em’s day and these are the people that she wants to celebrate it with. And what do I get? In a stone cold voice, y’know, that really doesn’t help. And then on some more, oh woe is me. Poor guy, y’know, you could always not come. Which I didn’t actually say, of course, but wouldn’t that be nice?! So how did I respond? Well the only way I know how of course, I hit the goddammed Lucky Charms the minute I hung up the phone. NICE! Y’know, I have to wonder… if he did me a favor and keeled over tomorrow, would my food issues magically be resolved? Hmmmm, let’s hope I find out… soon. Asshole. Anyway, I’m supposed to tell my SIL that she need not bother making nicey nice, as if she would care in the slightest. Um, okaaaaay, whatever dude.

Ug, had a crappy weekend, namely Sunday, which just so happened to be the day spent with guess who, go figure. And quite honestly, I just don’t feel like talking about it, so I won’t. As if I could make any sense of it anyway. But y’know what really gets my goat? Why is it that I always feel like eating myself into oblivion and chucking all notions of exercise out the window after days like this? Probably the same reason Em regresses so drastically like she does. We turn to what we know, what’s comfortable and familiar. We do what we think will make us feel less crazy and confused, yet even more out of control. It sucks, and I’m tired of it. I know Em can’t help how she chooses to cope, she’s young and I don’t expect her to be able to shuck this stuff off like it’s no big deal. But I, on the other hand, do have the ability to not allow my actions to be determined by another’s. I can choose differently, and lots of times I do, but when I don’t, or don’t feel as though I can, well that’s when it really gets to me. I want to be able to just tell myself to stop it! Bub’s always gonna be who he is, so why should I stake my choices and health and mental well being on something that I simply cannot change? I’ve got to be able to overlook his idiocy and crazy making and be comfortable enough to live my life according to my rules, my feelings, and my choices, in spite of his influence. It’ll take time, I know, for him to stop affecting me this way (or for me to stop letting him affect me this way), and time I’ve got. But dammit, I want complete control of myself back NOW! I hate this…

Okay, so I’m venting. And truth be told, this is soooooo much better than the way things were, but I still feel like bitching about it just the same.

School starts one week from today, yikes! This is my baby’s last year in this (elementary) school. I simply cannot imagine her going to a whole new school next year. And in a few weeks is her ninth birthday, gulp! I seriously need to start getting organized on that one. She wants to have her party at the roller rink again this year, so be on the lookout for more pics of Bub busting his ass. Yes, I know how y’all enjoy them so! I think I might even get out there this year. I’ve been timidly trying to figure this skating thing out the last few times we’ve gone, but still to no avail. Oh well, all I can do is keep trying. Plus, if people were meant to roll, we’d have been given wheels instead of feet. So by golly, I’m doing the best I can! ;D Anyway, there’s work to put off, oops, I mean to be done, so I’m gonna go try to occupy my mind with something other than the Lucky Charms that Em insisted on having as her cereal of choice this week. Guess she got sick of the fruity shit too, bummer!

My baby got her ears pierced yesterday, sigh… She’s been begging me to do it since before school let out for the summer so I made it into a goal for her to work towards through good behavior. And boy did she work! That’s not to say there weren’t set backs of course, but she has really been busting her butt to keep her attitude in check and show me the respect that she now knows I expect. We used a point and X system for a variety of different behavioral issues that need working on, so when she did slip up, the X’s cancelled out points. Made it take longer, but it was a great way to show her the consequences of her actions and choices. Anyway, she did really well, only tearing up but not outright crying. I was so proud of her! Now she feels like such a big girl with her pretty pink earrings to show off to the world.

Speaking of set backs, we definitely had a few this week. It’s like life just got to be too much for Em to handle (believe me, I can totally relate!) and she kinda lost it. I think it was stress about school starting along with being overwhelmed about taking care of her responsibilities (she got behind on chores) and her ongoing effort to keep herself in check regarding behavior and consideration for others, and then trying so hard to reach her ear piercing goal, well, it just did her in. She described it as having too much buzzing around in her head all at once, and not being able to get a handle on it all. She was anxious and irritable, breaking down easily and regressing into past behaviors and coping mechanisms. What's worse is that she’s been making so much progress lately that this little set back really threw me for a loop. I have to admit, I’ve gotten kind of used to her taking more responsibility for her actions and recognizing when she acts inappropriately or disrespectfully towards me. She’s been wonderful lately about realizing when she’s crossed the line with tone or attitude, and apologizing for it accordingly. So when she regressed so severely this week, (tantrums, back talk, yelling, disobeying, ignoring, immature acting out, etc.) I was caught very much off guard. So I decided to just give her a couple of days “off” and let her regroup. She just needed a small break from life, (yet another thing I can totally relate to) so she could regain her focus and feel back in control again. And it seems to have worked wonders. My girl is back, and ready to face the world again, whew, thank goodness! Those were an iffy couple of days, wondering if all of the progress we’ve made had permanently come undone. I also made sure to mention these difficulties to Mellany during her counseling appointment on Wednesday, so that she could help Em to find some more appropriate ways to cope when things just get to be too much. Em really didn’t want to talk about it though, preferring instead to avoid the subject entirely and remain in denial that anything had occurred. This is pretty typical of her, which Mellany already knows, so I’m sure she’ll be broaching the subject again when Em is more up to it.

Now, on to my latest Bub update. Get this, he actually has a profile on MySpace, and apparently he’s lookin’ for lurrrrve! Teehee, priceless! Yup, according to his stats, he’s newly divorced and looking to have some fun and excitement now that he’s FREE. Un-freakin-believable! Gee, ya think, if he finds himself some unsuspecting lady friend, and got so preoccupied with his new, exciting life, that he’d slink away and allow us to finally live in peace? Mmmmm, sounds niiiiice! A girl can dream, can’t she? ;D I really do hope he can find some happiness, after all, when he’s happy we’re (usually) spared his wrath. I have to say, I found it particularly amusing that he used the word FREE, knowing so excruciatingly well the desire for freedom myself. And I couldn’t help but wonder why, if he is so happy with his new found freedom, wouldn’t he have let me go all those times I begged him to put an end to this miserable nightmare of a marriage? It just doesn’t make sense. It’s like he couldn’t willingly let it go, or allow me to make that decision for us. It literally took me taking the decision out of his hands by leaving the way I did, for him to be able to accept it as reality. I have not a doubt in my mind that ripping off the proverbial band-aid as I did was the only way to go with him. He simply wouldn’t have allowed anything else. Thank god I did it, thank god you all supported me and cheered me on, and made me believe I really could. Thank god… the nightmare is finally over. Every single day is a gift now that it’s not being spent dreading the next. And I still can’t believe it’s finally over…

Anyway, my SIL is the one who just happened upon his profile while doing a search on folks from our high school, and of course, she simply couldn’t resist passing this juicy little tidbit on to me. He has no idea I know about it, and I plan to keep it that way. I did have a little twinge of guilt, thinking about my own mortification upon realizing that people I never expected to had found me on the web, but I’m getting over it! Like with my own situation, he put it out there for the entire world to see, and he can’t possibly expect complete anonymity when it comes to the internet. So I'll just keep this one to myself and enjoy a good chuckle as I discreetly watch him fumble his was through his newly free life. ;D

Aw hell, I did it again. Well, it's not like I didn't plan it, I knew full well what I was doing and still chose to anyway. Yup, I totally blew it yesterday, (Saturday) I ate a whole lotta useless crapola, and by golly, I enjoyed it! This time was different though, not like the mindless, bingeful eating of recent weeks. This time I felt in the mood to overindulge, and that's precisely what I did. I made a conscious choice to have not only a free meal, but a free day. And sure, I felt like crap afterwards, suffering from more than a little eater's remorse and an upset tummy, but it was still a conscious choice that I carefully considered and decided to make. That alone makes me feel a little better, and more in control. And I also know that now is right back to business, and life will go on. Because that's what we do. We're presented with options, we make our choices, (good or bad) and we go on. What else can we do?

School starts in two weeks. I'm ready, Em's not. Yet I don't have such a desperate need for her to get back to school as I did last year when the last few weeks and days before school were taught with tension as we grated on each other's nerves endlessly. We're calmer now, we get along much better now that neither of us feel so stressed and crazy all the time. It's been a good summer, and it's gone by quickly, but it will be nice to get back into the regular school year routine. I'll miss her though, it'll be soooooo quiet here without her. But at least I won't have to worry about working so much anymore, because my secondary job work day will be through by the time she gets out of school each day, and I'll be able to give her more of my undivided attention.

Well, Em has decided that she can't handle being friends with Sheree anymore. Sheree is a sweet and little girl, although quite immature for her age (10). And Em has discovered that it's just too much work to be best friends with her, or with anyone for that matter, IMO. Though I love her more than words can describe, Em is a very difficult person to be friends with. She is very particular and rigid in her beliefs about life and how her's as well as other's should go. And when things (and people) don't fit easily into her ideal, well, she doesn't handle it well. (Now there's an understatement!) I feel badly for her, and wish I could change the direction she's headed. Which, I believe, may end up being somewhat lonely and socially awkward. But I've realized that I can't/don't want to change her, or anyone else for that matter, and that if she chooses to alienate others through her demanding and controlling behavior, then she'll have to suffer the consequences of those decisions. But, to be quite honest, I don't think a lack of real friendships will affect her that adversely. Although she likes playing with other kids, she really prefers her solitude when it comes to kids her age. No one else to have to compromise, share, or compete with. Of course, with any other setting like a group of adults or playtime with younger kids that can be easily controlled, she fully expects to be the center of attention, and typically is. Honestly, compassion and empathy have simply never come naturally to her. It would not occur to her to help another before helping herself, unless, of course, there were something to gain from it like praise or recognition. And that's not to say that she has no compassion or empathy, because she certainly does. I'm just saying that she has to consciously work at showing it, and tires quite easily of trying. She actually does understand that she is a difficult person to be around sometimes, as she recognizes these traits in herself, and that this contributes greatly to the other kid's negative views of her, and why they give up trying to be friends with her so easily. It hurts her and makes her feel badly because she certainly doesn't like being this way, and wishes that social interaction came more easily to her. But as I've said, this is her natural personality and sometimes its just too much for her to deal with. It's simply easier for her to not try. Which is something that I can totally relate to, of course. But I still wish it were different just the same. She's such a wonderful child. Bright, imaginative, articulate, talented, sweet, loving and naturally gifted with sooooo much to offer the world. And I'm hopeful that a lot of this falls into the realm of typical self-centered adolescence, from which she'll have to chance to outgrow, but I just dunno. She is who she is, and I don't see how time and wisdom will much change that, or that it even should. Others can either chose to deal with her, or not. And all she can do is try to make the best of it.

These less than ideal personality traits (which just so happened to be the subject of our latest lovely Bub lecture) are precisely what he has been demanding she must fix since they first began to present themselves in toddlerhood, as he refuses to raise his child like "that". And I do agree that her life may be infinitely more difficult if she continues on the way she is. So because of that, I will continue to try to guide her and show a variant of perspectives. But ultimately, the choice is hers whether or not she tries to change for the better or worse, or to merely be who she inherently is without qualms or reservations. And I will continue to set forth my expectations and standards for what I believe to be important in life, my hope being that she will continue to strive to meet them, but only so long as it doesn't come at the expense of losing who she truly is in the process. So although I never envisioned my own daughter to have such a drastically different personality from me, I also never intended to raise a mindless drone without an enriching life of her own, which is what Bub seems to have his mind set on doing, although he would never put it in quite those words. I simply want her to be who she is, whomever that may be. Just so long as I still get to worry and try to save her from her mistakes along the way, cause that's precisely what I'm gonna do, as that is simply what comes naturally to me. ;D

Okay, so I gotta say something bout the new "obesity vaccine" Heh, a vaccine! Please cure me of my fatness, pleeeeeease! Hmmmm, think they'll start giving it to babies along with their chicken pox and measles immunizations? Good lord, a freakin vaccine! Y'know, wouldn't that be just dandy. Too bad it wasn't around while I was desperately trying to live through teenage fat girl hell, woulda come in quite handy, don'tcha think? Y'know, there was a thread going over at 3fc about whether or not you'd choose (if you could) to wake up thin or go through the learning experience of the journey. A whole lotta folks were saying that they wouldn't give up the lessons they've learned along the way for anything. I'm thinking, are ya freakin' kidding me? Does this waking up thin thing come with tight skin and toned muscles included? Oh who the hell cares if it does or not, I'm sooooo there! Yeah, yeah, invaluable lessons, true and lasting changes, I get it, I get it. But damn, who wouldn't just want it all magically fixed without the long tedious process of blood sweat and tears? Poof, fat be gone!! C'mon already, I'll take the quick fix, thank you very much. So what does that say about me? Well, exactly what it seems to say, that's what. But hey, at least I'm honest about it. So, what does this mean exactly? Not a damn thing, cause the fact is, there is no quick fix, for anything. If you want something bad enough, you'll work your ass off to get it, plain and simple. Still though, those lucky little mice, ahhhh... ;D

Speaking of all that mess, I've been soooooo good this week! Eating totally on plan, no mindless late night junk food grazing, no extra bites and nibbles that so quickly add up, and no more damn cereal and sweets! Nope, I've been doing the oatmeal thing, every... single... morning, ug. It may be boring, but it's easy and it doesn't tempt me, so I guess I'll stick with it. And I really do like my oatmeal, I just like my Kashi better, lots better!I've also been sticking to my regular exercise routine, and making sure I find the time to fit it in. Cause that's what it really comes down to, making the time and being consistent. So there you have it, back on track (hopefully to stay) and in control. Woohoo!

So, what's a post without a Bub update, right? Well, let's see? It seems I got myself into trouble again. Oh c'mon, you knew it was coming, it's been a while since the last time hasn't it? Nothing big, and quit frankly, it's all becoming pretty laughable now that I have some time and distance (and more of my faculties in order) from the situation. I'm not saying I don't still have that sickening pit in my stomach feeling when he starts in on me, I think I'll continue to react that way for a long time coming, but I could definitely tell it's affects are lessening. I find I'm able to view his rants and lectures more objectively now, especially considering how I know I get to hang up or leave when he's done now, and how I get to terminate the conversation if I feel it's necessary without having to suffer the consequences with an all night lecture. Anyway, what was my crime this time you ask? I failed to mention to him that Em's counseling appointment was cancelled last week because Mellany was in a minor car accident. She's fine BTW, just a little beat up. But the point is, I didn't tell him, and he only found out because Em just happened to mention it in passing. Of course, he simply can't stand to not know everything that's going on, and he hates it even more if he has to find stuff out through Em. So off he went, on his tirade about slowly being pushed out of his daughter's life. About how he can't trust me to tell him what's going on in her life and trying to control his access to her. Little does he know that she'd prefer he not know all the little details, thinking if he did, he might try to participate in her life more, which is something she has no interest in. Ug. He made excellent points of course, doesn't he always? About how I would feel if I weren't privy to all the details of her young life, if I only heard about what the other chose to tell me, if I was only wanted when it came to having fun and paying for stuff. Yadda yadda yadda. Yes, I get it, I can't even fathom being in his shoes. But here's the thing, I'm not in his shoes. I didn't drive my family away and alienate my only child. I didn't make my family's lives such an unbearable living hell that they felt their only way out of this nightmare was to sneak away while I was at work one day. No, my daughter feels comfortable around me, she feels secure, accepted, loved, unafraid, and actually wants to spend time in my presence. So yeah, I get that he feels out of the loop, and that he feels like he's losing his family. But y'know what buddy? That's the bed you made, so tough titty. Anyway, he wants weekly updates about her counseling appointments, whether I actually know what they talked about or not. He wants to know her daily schedule, whether she's having a friend over that day, or what night and time gymnastics is, or if we have plans. And not because he thinks I need his approval, he just wants to know. He wants to be a part of his daughter's life, and I can appreciate that, I really can. It's just too bad his daughter doesn't want him to be a part of it too.