Sunday, July 31, 2005

You must read this book!

If you've never read Tales From The Scale by Erin J. Shea, run, don't walk, to the nearest bookstore or library and pick it up today. What an honest, witty, insightful read about seven overweight or formally overweight women and their trials and tribulations in the world of weight loss. I laughed, cried, and completely related to aspects of each of their stories.

Well, we're leaving for our casino trip tomorrow. I'm completely unprepared, but I'll get there. It's funny too, because I usually start packing and getting ready for things like this way ahead of time, but this time I seem to be putting it off to the last minute. I'm worried about everything going smoothly. The drive there and back, the food temptations I'll likely face, if I'll be able to get in some gym time or not, the disruption from my regular schedule, drama, etc. I just want to have a fun, relaxed time, and possibly come back a little ahead which would make the whole thing sooooo worthwhile! I'd love to have some winnings that at least equal what we're spending on the trip, that would totally make my day! Just a little background here, I am one tight-ass, penny pinching, frugal chick, so saving a buck makes me happier than it probably has any right too. Oh well, keep your fingers crossed that I hit it big! I'll report the outcome when I get back.

I met a neighbor lady today. She came by to see then new kittens and said she will definitely take one or two of them, thank goodness! She reminds me a lot of me, I'm sure well over 300 lbs. and seemed quite self-conscious, but very friendly. She had her 3 month old baby in tow, now there's a cutie pie! Just covered in rolls, (she said he was 10 lb. 10 oz. at birth! Which is also similar to me, my Emmy was 9 lb. 6 oz.!) and had the prettiest complexion. I think children of interracial couples (mom is white, dad is black) are some of the most beautiful in the world. I ooohed and ahhhed and tickled his belly and told him he was gonna break some hearts when he grows up, and he just laughed and babbled. Ahh, so sweet, I love babies!

Well, I guess I actually need to get started on my to do list, sigh! We'll be back late Tuesday, so I'll report on Wednesday how I plan to spend all my enormous winnings!!

Friday, July 29, 2005

Possible exciting news to share.

I'm sorry Jilly, sometimes it's just too much to bear, and yesterday was a particularly bad day.

So here's some of my mundane and not so mundane news. We found out that I'm gonna have to drive to our little overnight kid friendly casino destination, about 3 hours each way. We discovered (luckily in time) that they don't allow children on the bus tours that we were planning to take there, so I had to give up on my dream of a nice relaxing ride while someone else took care of all the driving, sigh! Oh well, it will still be fun, regardless, even though that was just one of the major pluses for me. You know, I just realized that I've never shared the fact that my husband is legally blind on this blog before, which is why I'm the one who always has to do all of the driving. Sorry if there was any confusion because of that!

Now, on to our new addition in the family. The stray cat who has apparently adopted us (literally, we pulled up one day and found her asleep on our carport, and she hasn't left since!) just had kittens! We've named her Whiskers and we didn't even know she was pregnant until a few days ago when we asked a friend to check her sex and he informed us that not only was she a she but that she also had a tummy full of babies! Oh my, what have we gotten ourselves into?! Anyway, two days ago I walked out to check on her and noticed that she was in the box we had set out for her, breathing hard. I called Emmy out to see and we proceeded to watch her giving birth to five sweet little babies. I've never personally witnessed a birth like this so I was completely fascinated, as was Emmy, it's all she's been able to talk about lately. Momma and babies are all doing great, healthy and active and just as cute as can be!

Now, for the not so mundane. Last week I was browsing around the Dr. Phil website, (I love his show!) and I noticed a call out for people who wish they could have a total body makeover. Of course I dropped them a line since I know I'll never be able to afford reconstructive surgery for my excess skin on my own. And yesterday a producer from the show contacted me! She said they were interested in my story and to please send them more details and some before and after pics ASAP. OMG! I don't know how comfortable I am with the idea of putting my life and body on display like that for entertainment purposes, but for the chance of having this blasted skin removed? How could I possibly pass up the opportunity if it presents itself? Realistically, it may be the only chance I ever get. So, we'll just have to see how that goes, and if they ever get back to me or not. But it's pretty exciting either way!

Thursday, July 28, 2005

In a funk.

I'm feeling quite defeated right now, and not much like writing again. I have so much I want to say, exciting news, a disappointing change in plans, a new addition to the family (kittens!), yet when I feel beaten down by another "lecture" all I want to do is curl up and hide behind my impenetrable walls of social seclusion and allow myself to be overwhelmed into immobility by the well of emotions I seem incapable of expressing. I want to write about all the stuff that's going on in my life right now, but all I can think about is how I wish things were different. So I feel like I'm not being true to myself if I just pretend not to see the elephant in the room, and allow myself to ramble about the more unimportant things in life. But the problem is, I don't want to think about that damn elephant, so I just don't do anything at all! I hate feeling helpless and overwhelmed! And I don't have to feel this way, I just allow myself to as an excuse to not have to do anything about it. I guess I'm just going to cut this post short and give myself some time to get out of the funk I'm currently in. But I'll be back to post about all my exciting, and not so exciting happenings tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Why do some people have to be so mean?

I have no tolerance for insensitive, inconsiderate people. Or stupid people, for that matter. But not people of low intelligence. I mean STUPID people, the ones who don't have to be stupid, yet they chose to be or don't try not to be. But that's a whole other topic, which I'm sure I'll expound on in great detail at some other point in time. This rant, however, is just about those mean spirited individuals who don't know when to keep their goddamned mouths shut (or fingers off the keyboard, in this case). There was a post(s) on one of the threads at 3fc today (in the support forum, not my beloved 100 lb. club) that really just pissed me straight off. So much so that I actually responded to the poster and voiced my outrage, which is, of course, completely out of character for me. Said thread has since been removed, I'm assuming because it got even more catty after I left the site, but I'm not sure. Anyway, I wish I had saved it or something because I can't recall exactly what was said, but here's the gist of it. One woman posted about her food addiction and how the compulsive nature of her addiction led her to actually steal food from a co-worker out of the staff fridge. She was called on it and, of course, was completely mortified. The post in general was just looking for a little support from those who can relate and to voice her concern about how her addiction has affected her. There were some basic responses from people who didn't fully understand her addiction, giving suggestions like pack your own lunch so you won't be tempted to eat someone else's, and don't steal other people's food, etc. She then tried to explain the compulsive nature of her addiction and added that, of course, she understands that it's not right to steal, etc. So then, there's this post from another member stating basically that this whole addiction business is "hogwash" and to quit using that as an excuse to steal, or something like that. I know there was more that was pretty catty but I just can't remember. Plus I had just read another post by the same woman in a different thread stating that she was shocked at what the original poster in that thread had chosen for a goal weight because that was still so chunky! And she said some other catty stuff there as well. OMG! I was livid! So I wrote that until she had walked a mile in that woman's (the food addict) shoes, she had no right to pass judgment on her. And that addiction is NOT hogwash and not to be underestimated. I also said that this was my opinion and she was free to have her own, but that 3fc should be a "drama free zone" where people can give and receive support not judgment. And that there is a certain level of respect and compassion that we've come to expect from each other, and deserve no less. Well, that's not exactly what I said either, but it's close enough damnit! At any rate, it pissed me off enough to say something, and even though I may have been out of line in doing so, I feel completely justified in my response.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Forever different.

There's been some discussion in the Maintainer's forum at 3fc about how people who have been morbidly obese and are now thin are metabolically different from naturally thin people. How we have to exercise more and eat less just to maintain the same weight as a naturally thin person. Our bodies don't burn calories and fat in the same way and our metabolisms are typically slower. All because we were once obese and now we're not. Sometimes I'm appalled at just how badly I've screwed up my body. I mean, what was I thinking, treating it like crap for all those years? Never once considering the long term consequences of my behavior. Sure, I figured if I lost weight one day I'd be thin and healthy and all would be right with the world, but I never thought that the damage I was doing would be so irreversible. My body is forever changed, for the rest of my life my body will never function in a "normal" way. I will always have to work harder than regular people just to manage my weight, I will always need to bring a jacket with me where ever I go (even in 100 degree weather) just in case the A/C is turned down too low and my lips start to turn blue. I will always have to be extremely diligent in my food choices and preparation. And I will always have to exercise, A LOT! Because my body will always be battling me to get back to what it once was. And I will have to fight this battle every day for the rest of my life, because if I don't, if I let up even a little bit, my body will jump at the chance to start gaining again. And it will do so much more quickly than the average person simply because of the damage I've caused it. You know, it's like I've got all these plates up in the air, spinning like crazy, and my body is just biding it's time, waiting for the first one to come crashing down on me. It wants to get back to it's comfort zone, it was perfectly content to remain fat, because fat was all it knew. So here I come, messing it all up, taking away the brownies and ice cream and feeding it, gulp... VEGGIES! And making it move when it didn't want to. So what do I get in return? An insolent little child, rebelling against me at every turn. HA! I'll show you, it says. If you're gonna force me to be healthy then I'm gonna freeze your ass off and make you work twice as hard as normal people to stay that way! And when you do slip I'm gonna regain weight at lightening speed and make it even more difficult for you to take it back off again! What a bitch! Well fine then, if that's the way it has to be then bring it on, I've got a little bitch in me too!

Monday, July 25, 2005

Re: comments

To Sarah and Jilly, thank you guys so much! Your comments and support are so valued and appreciated! You're right Sarah, this is a survival mechanism, but as Dr. Phil would say, "How's that been working for ya?" Well, in some ways great! And in others, really really bad. I think I just need to find a happy medium. And Jilly, tearing the limbs off of small animals or eating crushed class?!! OMG, you floor me sometimes! I don't know what I'd do without you! You're right though, that Chicago trip was so completely far out of my comfort zone, it's not even funny! Yet I'm so grateful I did it, the memories I have from that trip are priceless and will last me a lifetime. And to answer your question, he did listen to a certain extent, in full debate mode of course! But I feel like I was at least heard somewhat and that, in itself, was empowering regardless of his reaction.

About the pseudo birthday party this weekend.

I took my daughter to a birthday party yesterday. The party was for two of her friends who are sisters, both born on the same day, three years apart (turned 11 and 8). I have to say, the "party" was not quite what we expected, and I find it extremely interested to see how other people choose to raise their children. Here's the gist of it. We were told to meet at a pizza place and from there we would be going to a movie. Ok, great, pizza party and a movie, sounds pretty typical right? Wrong. The parents are small business owners and often use a local barter system for services and purchases. Barter, meaning trade of service or products among small business owners within the system. Well, apparently they decided to only use this barter system so they could have this birthday party for free. Which is still all fine and good, can't blame them for trying to save a buck, which they have plenty of (bucks that is, their business does pretty well). But here's where my problem with it comes in. They only did what was allowed through this barter system and nothing else. They ordered the pizzas (only supreme, what child actually likes supreme?) and then we all sat there for like two hours while the other adults talked and ignored these girls. My daughter was the only other child there, so at least they had someone to talk to. There were no party hats or decorations, nothing to even indicate that this was a child's birthday party. And the real kicker is that they didn't even bother to have a cake! I mean really, could they not at least pony up 7 bucks for a cake from Wal-Mart? I know they could afford it and much more, they just chose not to. Then, finally, after two hours they allowed the girls to open up their presents which consisted of one wrapped present for each of them (from my daughter) and one jar of loose change from one of the sets of grandparents that was there. That's it! Apparently you can't get toys on this barter system. I dunno, but I do know that if we hadn't been there, they wouldn't have had any presents to unwrap at all. So, after that we head over to the IMAX movie theater, which also allows barter, and sat through a fighter pilot show. Now, the show was fine, I enjoyed it, as I'm sure the rest of the adults did, but the slow, documentary style of if probably left much to be desired in an 8 & 11 year old's mind. Then we watched one other show, and that was it. I really just felt like the parents wouldn't have bothered acknowledging this special day at all if they hadn't felt obligated to do so by everyone around them. And this hasn't been the only thing I've taken issue with. The parents have decided to pull the girls out of regular school in favor of home school. Which, ordinarily, can be a wonderful program, if implemented appropriately. Unfortunately, in this case, it has not been. Their home schooling consists of worksheets that are handed out each morning with the expectation of completion without the slightest bit of instruction. There is no routine to speak of, no regular meal times or any kind of scheduled activity. They are largely expected to play, unsupervised, in and around their parents' shop all day and well into the night, and they have little to no interaction with other children their age, with the exception of a weekly playdate with my daughter here in our home. It's heartbreaking really, these girls just want to be normal kids yet their social maturity is so grossly stunted that I fear the implications of their sheltered upbringing may last a lifetime. It's also disheartening to see just how behind they are academically. They've never been taught the basic foundation of early childhood education and it's shockingly apparent in their reading and math skills. My daughter and I feel so badly for them, and we try to make their time here as enjoyable as possible because we know it must be the highlight of their week. I am also at a loss for what I can do (if anything) in this type of situation. The family has been thoroughly interviewed by social services (because of outside complaints) and has passed whatever qualifications are required, so I don't feel like lodging a complaint would be justified, because really, who am I to say that what they are doing is wrong? Yet, I feel that it is, which leaves me feeling helpless. I know that it is not my place to say or do anything, or even to pass judgment, but these are children dammit, and they deserve better!

Saturday, July 23, 2005

A little more introspection.

We had a little day trip today. We took our daughter to the Mid-America Science Museum which is a very hands on museum of discovery with lots of cool inventions and fun stuff to see and do. It took about an hour and a half to get there but it was well worth it, which is saying a lot considering my complete hatred of driving. She had a great time and so did I; almost no drama at all. I usually try to psych myself up for extended periods of interaction with the hubby and go into it with a generally upbeat and agreeable attitude. My mood tends to go a long way in curbing the overall mood of an outing, and it seemed to work today.

He and I had a fierce conversation the other day. He started in on one of his usual sources of annoyance with me, something about not listening or a tone I used when speaking to him, I don't remember which exactly, they all tend to blend together anymore. But anyway, I really tried to say some things this time, to make myself heard about how he makes me feel. This is unusual for me since I normally shut down and say nothing at all. He has the unique ability to shut me down more quickly than anyone else on earth, except perhaps, for my stepmother when I still lived with her. But you know what, it's not really him shutting me down, I'm shutting myself down in response to him. It's a viscous cycle that only gets worse every time I do it. He is a very goal-oriented person and when I shut down and stop communicating, he gets even more critical and frustrated because he can't just fix the problem. Why do I do this with some people? I like to think that I articulate myself quite well most of the time, so why is it, when it comes to people with this particular type of brash personality, that I shut down and allow myself to be run over? It's so infuriating when I'm being spoken to in a way that I would normally deem totally unacceptable, yet I just sit there, face burning with humiliation, not saying a damn word! Ugh! Enough of that, now I'm pissed off and annoyed!

Anyway, Jilly's comment yesterday got me thinking about my acute need for structure in my life. I've thought it over and determined that, no, I haven't always been this way. I've never liked surprises and have always wanted to know exactly what to expect, but this intense need for schedule and structure is relatively new I think. Perhaps really taking form beginning with my lifestyle change, since I knew I couldn't just do this thing half-assed. Maybe my way of taking charge of my food issues with a strict, regimented lifestyle, has bled over into all areas of my life and made me even more intolerable to change. I do try to take it easy, like I don't want to be a complete food Nazi with my daughter, but damn, it's hard! I couldn't bear for her to have to endure the same kind of childhood I did, growing up a fat kid. I want so much better for her than that. But I've realized that my fear of the unknown has really turned me into a rather uptight and high-strung individual, and I don't like that one bit! I've got to learn to loosen up! But I'm just so damn scared of going back to the old me, that I allow it to continue because it feels safe to me. Man, am I messed up, or what? ;)

Friday, July 22, 2005

"fat girl" no more?

My poor, sweet daughter accidentally poked herself in the eye with her finger yesterday! Hard too! She was just miserable all evening, eye watering, headachey, fell asleep early on the couch which is unheard of for her! I thought I might have to take her to the doctor today if it wasn't any better by morning, but it looks like all is well now. A little red and watery still, but she seems back to her sassy little self. I just felt so badly for her! It breaks my heart when mommy's love and kisses aren't quite enough to take all the pain away.

Now, on an entirely different topic; I was thinking earlier about how I had intended for this blog to be about my adventures in weight loss and maintenance and all that those topics entail, but it seems that I've continuously veered away from my initial intention in favor of posts about life in general. So it got me thinking that perhaps my whole life isn't all about my weight anymore. For so long my weight was what defined me, it determined how I would live my life, the decisions I would make, etc. I've only ever been a fat girl and not much else beyond that. So now I wonder, what is it that defines me now that I am no longer obese? I could label myself a "former fat girl" and live that life for a while. Just telling my same old sad story to anyone who'll listen, but is that really who I want to be? I've got a chance now, to start fresh, redefining the woman I want to be and who I present to the world. People who meet me now would never know that I was once overweight unless I told them. It's like I have a clean slate and a chance to make first impressions without the socially unacceptable stigma of "fat girl" looming heavily overhead. On the other hand, wouldn't denying the fat girl within be denying a significant part of what makes me who I am today? I mean, I wouldn't be here without her, so how could I deny her? Plus, I am now in the unexpected position of roll model. (ha! Me, who'dve thunk it considering my previous compulsively gluttonous ways!) Roll model for my daughter, my family and friends, and yes, even complete strangers. I have a unique opportunity to possibly make a difference in peoples' lives, simply by sharing my story and the lessons I've learned throughout this journey. Perhaps you're right Jilly, what if I could pull my shit together enough to get it all down on paper? Hmmm, it's a nice thought, yet sadly, highly unlikely given my tendency towards disorganization and my apparent inability to make decisions without constantly second guessing myself. I've found that I get overwhelmed so quickly and easily that I am often left frozen in indecision and wind up doing nothing at all in response. This particular personality trait is quite frustrating to say the least, yet I've possessed it my entire life, and frankly don't believe I can ever be "cured" of it. Of course, I never believed I could lose weight on my own either, did I? Now there's something to think about. I never thought I could do lots of things that I've done now, and there's still so much more I would like to do, and haven't. Yeppers, I'm definitely going to have to give that one a bit more thought.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Something different, planning a trip.

Thank you Jilly, your support means more to me than you know.

Well, my husband has informed me that he's going to start "working from home more often", which basically translates into sleeping until noon and then reeking havoc on any schedule I've created for myself and my daughter for the rest of the day. Normally he's not around very often and we are spared from the "lectures" he's so fond of giving when things don't go the way he likes. So, of course, this has completely thrown me off since I'm used to having the place to myself. I'm not sure how well I'm going to handle having to walk on egg shells even more of the time, but I'll figure it out. It's just been quite a shock, and I must admit I'm more than a little disappointed with the change. I definitely don't handle change well, (that's an understatement!) and I like it best when I know what I can expect day after day with no major disruptions. Oh well, that's life and I've got to be able to go with the flow. I guess it was just easier to ignore my situation before, and I'm kind of mourning the loss of my imposed ignorance.

Okay, enough of that unpleasantness, this blog was never intended to be a total bitchfest about my dysfunctional marriage! So here's some news, we've decided to take a small, overnight trip to a hotel/casino in a neighboring state in a few weeks! I'm very excited since this is something I've been wanting to do for quite a while. They even have busses that take you there and back so I won't even have to drive the 3 or so hours it takes! I absolutely hate to drive so this is a huge deal for me. And you can't beat the deal they give you; $10.00 per person for the ticket, but then they give you a $5.00 gambling credit and a free buffet each! The money is going to be a little tight, but we never do things like this so we're just gonna splurge a bit and try to enjoy ourselves regardless. Plus, I have to be optimistic and say I'll win it all back on the slot machines if I'm lucky! I just hope it will be a nice trip with no drama so I can truly enjoy the experience, cause who knows when we'll have the opportunity for something like this again. The break from my normal routine does give me pause though. Like I said, I thrive on a schedule, so this should be interesting. I know the hotel has a gym, it'll just be finding the time to get to it that poses a problem. And I'm pretty good with buffets now. I know what I should and shouldn't have so I'm not overly concerned with that. I do wonder how I'll handle breakfast though. I usually wake up around 6 (long before anyone else) and eat my beloved Kashi Go Lean Crunch right away, so perhaps I'll bring along a Zone bar to eat and then have something light when the family eats breakfast a bit later as a mid-morning snack. I will miss my Go Lean Crunch though, god I love that stuff!! Hmmm, I wonder if they have a little fridge in the room? Then I could bring it and a some milk and still have my morning Kashi fix! Wow, I need help! Anyway, I'm looking forward to the trip, even if it is a break from the norm, and I hope it will prove to be a pleasant experience no matter what.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Should I or shouldn't I?

I seem to be struggling with my acute desire not to have others think badly of me and judge me with my need to have my own outlet to speak my mind and vent my frustrations. I've been questioning whether or not to write more about my marital situation for fear of the inevitable comments of "Run! Run like the wind!" and the basic statements that I need to get out of my crappy marriage. But I've decided that people are going to have opinions, and that's ok. I just ask that those who do decide to comment try not to judge me too harshly or quickly for staying in a situation of my own making and my own choice. Because it is my choice. I have my reasons for continuing to live this way, which have nothing to do with fear for my or my daughter's physical well being or our financial stability. I could support myself if that's all it came down to, I have no doubt about that. And I wish it were just a matter of money, because I could figure that out one way or another if it were. My reasons are deeply personal and undoubtedly valid, yet I don't feel like I can explain them accurately without it breaking me completely. I've spent many, many years creating the illusion of a normal marriage and I don't feel like I could physically endure the shame of allowing others to know the true ins and outs of my relationship with my husband. I just want to make it clear that life with him is infinitely more tolerable than he would make our lives in a separation or divorce situation. Staying is my only way to ensure some semblance of control over our lives. So my choice is to continue to keep things running smoothly in an effort to save us from a truly miserable existence, regardless of the toll it takes on me personally. I am quite aware that we deserve so much better, but unfortunately we really have no viable options at this point. So that's it, and like I said, it is my choice, so I really have no one to blame but myself. That said, I will continue to write about it here as needed because this is my only way to let off steam, but hopefully now I can freely do so with the knowledge that I will not be ending this marriage, so support and understanding of the feelings I bring up here are really all that I ask of those who care to express them. I so deeply appreciate any and all who do care to leave a comment, yet at the same time I have to remain true to myself and allow myself to write freely here without fear of judgment of condemnation.

Edit to note: I still almost didn't post this. It seems that my fear of how others see me is quite irrational, and something I am going to have to force myself to work on. I have to remember, this is my place to completely be myself, and never to censor myself based on how I think others will react. Ok, here it goes!

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Times certainly have changed.

First of all, thank you to Jilly and Sarah for your beautiful and supportive comments. Sarah, I really appreciate your perspective on my blog realization. I've discovered there is no greater support than finding others who understand where you're coming from and can relate to and validate your feelings. So thank you for that!

Jilly, thank you so much, you are too kind. But I am certainly no author! That would take actual initiative and organization, two traits that I am sorely lacking. I would, however, be the first in line to purchase and read anything you happen to put to paper and grace the world with. But thank you so much for being so sweet and supportive, you are truly amazing and I cherish your friendship.

Now, to completely change the subject, I was talking to my mom on the phone yesterday and we were discussing how different things are with our kids now compared to when I was young. I was a latch-key child from a very young age, I walked several blocks to and from school by myself starting in 2nd. or 3rd. grade. I spent every afternoon home alone until well after 6:00 when my mom got home from work. I do have an older brother (3 yrs. older) who was around sometimes, but he made it a point to ignore me and be out of the house as much as possible. So what did I do with myself for all that time? I mostly watched TV all day and ate copious amounts of junk food, that's what! But that's beside the point, what I'm trying to get at is that I cannot even fathom my daughter being home alone at this age, let alone walking to and from school by herself! Perhaps I'm over-protective but my god, it's shocking to me that I was home alone at such a young age! I mean it wasn't even an issue back then, it's just what we did. I remember, after I was a little older (maybe 10 or so) hopping on the city bus a few days a week to get to a convenience store to stock up on candy bars and such with my allowance. And my mom knew I was using the city transit (although I didn't tell her why, she thought I just liked to explore around) and she was fine with it! I usually went with a friend so maybe she thought it was ok since there is safety in numbers, but still, there is no way I would ever allow my daughter to do something like that! Maybe I am over-protective, I certainly don't want to raise her as sheltered and dependent on me or others for everything, but things are different now, right? The world is not the same now as it was then. And I'm not saying it was any safer to be doing that back then, I just think we are a little wiser and more cautious and vigilant now out of necessity and knowledge. So the question is, how do you teach independence, yet still retain control of safety and other applicable issues? Once again, this all goes back to my paranoia of really screwing her up somehow. It's so hard to know what's right, but I guess what's right is different for everybody. That was right for my mom when I was a kid, and may not have been for other families. I guess what's right is what feels right, and what you can be comfortable and confident in with your own family. Plus, screwing her up is inevitable, right? So I just need to get over the fear of doing it, cause it's GONNA happen, and be prepared to deal with it when it does!! Oy vey! Hmmm, is that even how you spell that? Oh well!

Monday, July 18, 2005

Ok, now what?

Not being overweight anymore, after a lifetime of obesity feels so strange to me. Like I'm not quite sure how to behave or think as a thin person. Sure, I have always had this idealized notion of how a thin person should act, or how I would act if I were thin, but I'm finding real life to be much different from the fantasy. I remember, as a child, lying in bed night after night just begging to somehow, miraculously wake up thin the next morning. Blissfully dreaming of how I would dress and what other's reactions would be to the new me. I would replay it over and over, the shopping spree I would go on, and the shock and amazement of those close to me. It never even crossed my mind that the clothes may not fit correctly due to excess skin, or that people would react negatively due to their own insecurities or jealousy. Or that people would look at me in horror and say "you're too thin!" Too thin?! Are you freaking kidding me? Can't I ever be just right? Is that too much to ask? Yes, I am at the low end of the healthy weight range for my height, and I have a low body fat percentage due to daily strength training, but I am hardly underweight! I am fit and muscular, and in the best damn health I have ever been in my life. I eat 6 times a day and I absolutely love the food I eat. I don't feel deprived in the least, I just make different choices now. So why does it have to be such a big freaking deal? Maybe people just need more time to get used to the way I look now, I mean they've never known me as anything other than severely overweight, so I can understand that it must be quite a shock. But come on, it's been close to two years now since I reached my initial goal, isn't it about time we all (myself included) get used to the new me? People I meet now don't have that reaction, they just think of me as a naturally thin woman. HA! Me, naturally thin, how absurd! I've even had someone tell me that they never would have thought, in a million years, that I ever would have had a problem with my weight! I didn't even know what to say to that. My whole life has been about my weight, that's who I am. So, the question is, who am I now without the weight? I just don't know yet, and that's what I hope to figure out. It's not all been fun and roses, this journey. There is so much more to it than the number on the scale or the clothing sizes. The mental baggage I carry is just as heavy, if not more so, than the 190 lbs. of fat I've lost. The only problem is, losing the fat does not necessarily go hand in hand with losing the fat, mental baggage. That process has been excruciatingly difficult and passed much more slowly than the actual weight loss itself, and something I must say, I was completely unprepared for. No one tells you about all the mental shit that comes up or is left over after weight loss. There's no fat girl's guide to life after morbid obesity. So here I am, up the creek without a paddle, trying to figure this whole thing out. My only consolation is knowing that, at least I'm not alone. It really does make such a difference to me and lets me know that I'm ok. Because I know there are others out there like me, experiencing and feeling the exact same things.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Well Duh!!

I just realized for the first time that people have actually ready this blog! I was looking through some previous entries and noticed that there were a couple of comments that I never knew about. I now have it set up to email me when ever anyone comments so I never miss another one, but I still missed those few. It's funny how I never really expected anyone to actually read what I write. It's kind of like when you're in your car, ya know? There's that certain amount of anonymity that allows you to belt out your favorite tune with the radio, or pick your nose, cause who's really gonna see you, right? I know in my head that I've thrown this out there into the abyss of cyberspace for any and all to see, but I guess I never really considered what it would be like for others to see and react to it. I wonder if I would have written about different things, had I considered it more thoroughly? Probably, that sounds like something I'd do. Ever conscious of how I appear to others. But I don't want to do that here for some reason, or at least not to the extent I would in my "real" life. This blog is about me allowing myself to honestly speak my mind in a way that I wouldn't normally. I use it as a way to vent my frustrations since I have no other viable outlet at this time, and it has proven to be somewhat therapeutic to me. I'm glad I did this, and that I've chosen to let it all hang out like I have, which is completely out of character for me. I need this, I think, and I see myself learning and growing from the experience. So thank you to those who've commented, it means more to me than you know.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Time to move on

I don't much feel like writing today. I'm trying to work through some things in my head so I've been a little lost in that lately. I've got some decisions to make, resolutions to come to, acceptance of things that cannot be changed. I feel a little lost right now, stuck between knowing what's right and knowing what must be done. And acceptance of what must be done means complete acceptance. No more of this half-ass shit. I either have to be accepting of my situation and allow myself to be fully present, or unaccepting which would require action that I am not willing to take. So, that's it, the choice is clear. Now for implementation, but I'm still not ready for that yet. I think I need to allow myself to hang in limbo just a little while longer, give myself time to wrap my head around just what exactly this is gonna take from me. To gear myself up for what is to come. To daydream a little bit more about what my life could have been like, "only if". I am dejected, I have allowed this to affect me in ways that I am not comfortable with. My daughter deserves more than this. She deserves nothing less than 100% of her mom, completely plugged in and present. I cannot afford to waste any more time wallowing in self pity for what could have been. This is my life to live, and I must learn to make the best of what I have. I will get there, I just need a little bit longer.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Can I have a "do over", please?

I often daydream about what my life would have been had I made different choices and taken different paths. If I had it to do all over again what would I have become? I can honestly say that I would change almost everything if I knew then what I know now. I also know that the choices I did make ultimately led up to the birth of my daughter, so for that reason alone, it was meant to be. But if I could set that one thing I did right aside for a moment and have her birth somehow not be the result of my life choices, I know that I would have done everything differently. One of the most pivotal points in my life would have to be the decision I made to move out of my mother's home in CA just before high school to live with my father here in AR. That one decision, had I made a different one, would have absolutely changed my entire life. I would not be where I am today if I had just stayed there all those years ago. I left out of fear. Fear of a too big high school and the lack of acceptance I felt due to my size. I left because I wanted out of the stormy relationship I had brought upon myself with my stepfather. I was a bratty, spoiled kid who was lashing out at the man who took my father's place. I left because I needed a change and I felt the slower, rural life I was running to here in AR would be easier to handle. That's me, always opting for the easy way out. If only I had known what I was getting myself into. I ran from a bad relationship with my stepdad to an even worse one with my stepmom. Come to find out my stepdad is a really great guy, something I would have seen had I ever given him a chance. My stepmom on the other hand, well she's a whole nother story. She may be mentally imbalanced, but if nothing else, extremely overbearing, abrasive, overpowering, loud and opinionated, to name a few. I cannot explained how horrified I was to realize that the man I married was almost a mirror image of her. They say a girl marries her father, well not me. I think it's because my dad was never a real father figure, my stepmom had the authority in our house, and she always had more of a manly role than my father ever did. It's funny too, because I married so young (one week after high school graduation) in order to escape from her rule, and now I've found myself in the same type of relationship. What was I thinking?! Oh yes, I was in looooove. As much in love as any teenager can be in. I was a stupid kid, I had big dreams for our life together. I had no idea how much people change as they actually grow into adulthood. I know now. If I met my husband for the first time now, I would run screaming in the other direction. He is just not the type of person I would ever want to socialize with. How could I not see this back then? Oh yea, I was in looooooove. People should not be allowed to get married until they are 30, and only after they've lived with the person for a few years first and have had extensive pre-marital counseling. People tried to warn me, telling me to give it some time, what's the big rush to get married so young? I didn't listen, I was a stubborn kid who desperately wanted out of my house. Nobody could convince me that it was a bad choice, after all, I was in loooooove. Yes, I know, people make mistakes, especially foolish, young high school girls, but this was a huge one and there's not a damn thing I can do about it now. You can't change the past, oh but if only you could.... Mmmm, it's a nice daydream, isn't it?

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Play-date Wednesday

My daughter has some friends over for a play-date today. We've been doing this every Wednesday for Summer vacation, and she looks forward to it every week. I have to say, there is only one thing I regret about not having anymore children, the fact that she doesn't have a sibling to play with. She's lonely, and it breaks my heart. I know that not having more children was the right decision for me, yet I can't help but feel guilty for her solitude. My daughter has a fabulous imagination, playing for hours in elaborate story lines that she creates for her toys. And her absolute love of reading keeps us regulars at our local library. She has adapted well to our quiet way of life, yet I know she yearns for friends to play with more often. There's only so much time a girl and her mom can spend together without biting eachother's heads off! I am very aware of her need to run and play and feel free with other kids her age, but Summertime is hard for us since she doesn't yet have those one or two very best friends who want to spend all their time together. Unfortunately she's inherited my apparent disability to make friends easily, so a lot of our time is spent cooped up here in this house together. But I am constantly on the lookout for new activities we can try like arts and crafts projects, going to the park, play time at a local children's center that features a large indoor maze and ball pit. We've taken up bike riding (which is still pretty rocky) and evening walks around our neighborhood. I also continue her education during the summer months with weekly spelling words, math worksheets, book reports, etc. so that she will feel more prepared come Fall. I am lucky that she likes to learn and doing well in school gives her a great sense of pride and accomplishment. But I fear that her anti-social attitude (which I can only assume stems from being an only child) will prove to be detrimental in the years to some. I wish I knew how to teach the behavior and compassion that seems to come naturally when other children have been present growing up. But she doesn't know how to be any other way. I tend to worry a lot about being a good mom, if I'm teaching her the right things that will allow her to grow into the type of woman she wants to be. It's like I've got one shot at this, and I'm just so worried about screwing it up because there's no turning back time. What's the saying, you can't un-ring a bell? Yea, I've got to get this right, because if I don't, she's the one who's gonna suffer for it. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but this responsibility I have for her is almost overwhelming sometimes. I just hope I'm doing the right thing, or at the very least the best I know how to do with what I have.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Just a small rant, forgive me.

It saddens me that some people of authority choose to use their power to impose their beliefs on others in the form of laws and regulations, and that we as a society are not able to pull together enough to prevent it from happening. It saddens me that people who don't believe the same things are allowed to make rules based on their beliefs, and we have no choice but to conform. If I were gay I don't think I could live with the way things are. It's horrifying really, to think that just because you happen to love someone of the same sex, you are automatically disallowed the same rights and privileges of those who happen to love someone of the opposite sex? WTF!? What gives them the right to say a couple can't marry, set up house, be a beneficiary, have the same parental and spousal rights, etc. simply based on the gender of the two people in love? How can that possibly be justified? And isn't this all based on centuries old basic, that's what the bible says, religious beliefs? What about separation of church and state? Why are our laws based on beliefs that not all of us hold to be true? I don't know, maybe I don't know enough about the way it all works, but it seems pretty cut and dry, and it just feels wrong to me.

I strive to be very open and honest with my daughter when it comes to such views and beliefs. I want her to feel like she can talk to me about anything, and I think she does so far. At the tender age of 7 we've already discussed sex, drugs, smoking, childbirth, religion, etc. I want her to grow up knowing that she has the right to her own opinion. She already understands that two people can love each other regardless of their race or sex. She knows that people can and do worship all types of gods, or choose not to worship at all. She is aware of the freedom we are lucky to have in this country, while others are not so fortunate. She also knows that people don't all believe the same things and she respects their right to disagree. I've tried very hard to instill these values in her from a young age so that she may have a fighting chance to grow into an independent, compassionate young woman. It's so hard living here in the South, with racism and religious fanaticism running rampant. I want her to know that it doesn't have to be this way, that it's ok to be different from everyone else, in fact it's the difference that contributes to her specialness. I think being a mom is one of the most important jobs a woman can have. To actually raise and mold another human being into a good, caring, self reliant person, wow, what a huge responsibility. I worry that I'm not very good at this mom thing sometimes. I know my lack of patience is a problem, and when I screw up I tell her so, and apologize. I want her to know that I am not perfect and don't expect her to be either, and yes, even moms can be wrong sometimes. I just hope that I do right by her and don't screw her up too badly. Nothing that a good therapist won't be able to fix anyway! ;) But I am looking forward to this interesting and challenging road ahead, because I know the woman she will ultimately grow into is going to be simply AMAZING, and I can't wait.

Monday, July 11, 2005

What would I do?

I often wonder what life would be like if I weren't so consumed with food issues. So much of my life has been spent thinking about food. And now that I'm in the process of maintaining my weightloss, so much of my time is spent on planning, preparation, and simply trying to remain on track. What would I do if so much of my life wasn't wrapped up in food and all that goes with it? Knowing me I'm sure I would have some other issue to consume me, but I wonder how it must feel to just not have food issues? I really can't imagine what it must be like. This is all I've ever known. How do "normal" people relate to food? I wonder just how little thought they actually give it during the course of a day? That seems so foreign to me, everything I do seems to be related to food in one way or another. When, where, how, how much, why, is it on plan, is it not, if not what needs to be done to compensate, more strict next meal, next day, more exercise, how much, when, why, blah blah blah! It's always there, a never ending cycle that revolves around food and my issues with it. I wish I could just flip a switch and turn off the incessant thoughts, but then I wonder if I would still be the same person? How would I have turned out if I never had this dysfunctional relationship with food? So much of who I am is based on my addiction. I couldn't possibly be the same person I am today had I not spent my entire life morbidly obese. I wonder what opportunities I've wasted by allowing myself to hide beneath the fat for so long? I wonder what different paths I would have taken if not for my weight hindering my decisions? Would I still have settled for things I shouldn't have, or would I have been more confident and believed in myself more? I guess I'll never know, because this is the life I chose to lead, and all the "what if's" in the world will never change that. But at least now I know that I can make different choices, and beating myself up for my past will get me nowhere. So now I will look only to the future because what's done is done, and it's time I get busy making up for some lost time.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Married Single Mother

A woman at 3fc just shared with us the fact that after 21 years of marriage she has finally decided divorce her emotionally absent, workaholic husband. And a term she used to describe herself really hit home with me; she said she was a "married single mother". She described how her husband has never really been a part of the family unit, missing practically all of their boys' major (and minor) milestones, leaving her to be the primary, if not only caregiver. I found myself relating completely with her, nodding my head in agreement as I read her post. That's me, I'm a married, single mother. In my opinion my husband takes no and feels no responsibility for the day to day running of this household and taking care of our daughter, although I'm sure he would completely disagree. He is, of course, very vocal in how she should be raised and what he expects of her (no less than absolute obedience and perfection it seems) but when it comes to actually being responsible for her care and well being, well, that's entirely up to me. She's so desperate for his attention too, it's just heartbreaking. And when he does grace her with some actual one on one time she's like a hungry little puppy, pleading give more, give me more! I am the one who takes care of her wants and needs, I am the one she comes to for EVERYTHING, I am the one she confides in and who comforts her. I also do all of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, bill paying, homework duty, school activities, the list is endless. If it needs doing, I am the one doing it. He pretty much does what he pleases without a thought since he knows I am here to handle anything that comes up. It's interesting what I'm willing to put up with for the sake of convenience, isn't it? But truthfully, it's easier to go on like this than to separate. I wouldn't make enough money on my own in my current job, so in order to retain the freedom and benefits of this cushy work from home job, I am willing to continue living in a one-sided, roommate-like, loveless marriage. How twisted is that? The truth is, life is easier conforming to his will than it would be to cross him and bring about his wrath in what would undoubtedly be a nasty, spiteful divorce. I know for a fact that my life would be pure hell on earth if I ever really tried to separate, he's just that kind of guy. Boy, do I know how to pick em, or what? So here I am, pretty much living the life of a single mom, yet not quite. Not quite enough, to make it pretty darn pathetic. I know that my daughter and I deserve better, and I wonder just what it's gonna take to make me do something about it?

Saturday, July 09, 2005

What is normal, really?

First of all, thanks to Dana for being my first commenter, and for being able to sympathize. It does wonders to realize that others can relate and know how you feel.

You know, I was talking with my mom the other day (She's probably my closest friend, the one I open up to the most, yet only to a certain extent. I still remain closely guarded, even with her.) and I'm not sure how we got on the subject, but I ended up trying to explain to her something I do that I find a little bizarre. I'm not sure what it is or why exactly, but I tend to personalize other people's pain or humiliation to such a point that I physically feel it for them. I was telling her how, when other people do something I perceive as embarrassing, I am actually humiliated for them. Like I cringe with the idea of how they must be feeling at that moment, and how they will handle it afterwards. It's almost a sickening feeling of shame, even though it's not me that it's happening to. How weird is that? My paralyzing fear of public humiliation runs so deep that I actually feel the humiliation of others as well. And it goes for people struggling with pain or loss as well. When I hear of kidnappings or lost children on the news and they end up finding them dead, like those three boys in the trunk of the car, I am devastated for their families. My heart literally aches for them. Or like when Shasta was found alive, I was so happy it was like I know her personally. And even though that story had been out of the news for weeks, I still checked every day since it first came out to see if they had been found yet, just hopeful that they would somehow still be found alive. Like that girl, oh I don't remember her name, who was taken from her bedroom in the middle of the night, and spent months with her vagrant captor and his partner/wife?, doing who knows what to her. And then she came back! After, I'm sure, everyone had given up hope, she came back. I couldn't believe it, I can't even imagine what that must have been like for her and her family. I try not to let myself imagine because I don't think I could handle it. What was her name?! Beautiful girl, blond hair, blue eyes, seemed to grow up from a girl to a young woman in the time she was away, yet much before and not in a way any girl should have to. And even now, I still think of her and what she must have endured. How do you function after something like that? Or how do you function after the loss of a child? How do people go on after that? I don't think I could. Just thinking about it is physically painful. I wish I knew what to say to people when they've suffered a loss like that, but it all seems so inadequate. The pain of it all is just too overwhelming. I'm sure others must experience this as well, but not anyone I know. My mother couldn't completely relate, she feels bad for people but doesn't actually feel pain or humiliation for them. My husband certainly doesn't feel this way at all. If it's not happening to him then he could care less. That seems so heartless to me. How can you not be interested or have empathy for other people in that way? And I don't mean he should personalize it like I do, but at least feel something, care a little bit. That's normal, isn't it? I guess normal is different for everyone. And who am I to say what normal is, right?

Friday, July 08, 2005

Girlfriends

I wish I had one real, true friend. Someone you can and do tell everything to without fear of judgment. Who knows you inside and out and loves you unconditionally. And not like a partner or a family member or something, but a best girlfriend. I'm so closed off and antisocial. I never have made friends easily. And I don't make it easy to get to know me. I would always prefer solitude over company and I am uncomfortable in social situations. I'm sure I am perceived as standoffish, and perhaps I am. I have spent years building this wall around me and I very seldom let it down for anyone. But I miss the close contact, (I have had good friends in my life) and I long for someone to talk to who really gets me. I wonder if I had someone like that in my life, if I would still be so closed off regardless? Perhaps I make is so difficult to be my friend, that those who've tried have just given up eventually. I can't say I would blame them. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I was one of those people who seem so confident and comfortable around others. Do they feel the same way, yet force themselves to be outgoing? Or is it just natural for them? Probably a combination of both. Either way, I want some of that! I don't know how to fake it, I don't know how to open up and make myself inviting to others. I wonder if this behavior stems from my obesity or if it's just a crappy personality trait that I happen to have, or have grown to have from other reasons? What would people think if I let them get to know the real me? What would I think if I got to know the real me? Who's that? I have this perception of how I want others to think of me, this mask that I put on so people will like me, or to please them. Yup, I'm a people pleaser, but only to a certain extent. I don't go out of my way to volunteer my time and effort, especially when it comes to social situations. But I always try to make others happy and give them what they want. I have learned to do this for myself too though. I had too. Especially when it comes to my exercise time. I couldn't be wishy washy about that or it would never get done. My family pretty much understands that this is my time and they really do make an effort to let me have it. I have to give them credit for that. It does feel a little selfish sometimes, but I have to be a little selfish when it comes to taking care of myself, or I never would. Yea, I can live with that. Anyway, I guess I really ought to start working on making myself more available to others. Open up a bit and allow myself a little vulnerability. If I ever hope to have the kind of friendships I long for I'm gonna have to, but why does it have to be so damn hard for me?

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Don't sweat the small stuff, ha!

I'm mad at the world lately. It seems like everything just pisses me off. I have very little patience for anyone or anything and it's really starting to bring me down. I've never had a lot of patience but it seems so much worse lately. I don't want to be this angry woman with a negative attitude. How do I keep all this little shit from getting under my skin so easily? I realize that it stems from my outlook on life in general right now. My frustrations with my marriage, financial situation, unfulfilled job, etc. My overall lack of ambition and un-reached potential. My body image issues, ugh! When you lose 190 lbs. your body and more specifically your skin is left a complete mess. My tummy, thighs, boobs, and under my arms look like deflated balloons. They are just this hangy, droopy, saggy mess that get in the way of everything. I literally have to gather it up and stuff it into my clothes, and when I move like getting up or sitting down, it has to be rearranged so it doesn't pinch or pull. It's disgusting! And I am still having a hard time dealing with what I've been left with. I don't deny that it's my fault it got this way, or that I'm not completely better off without the excess weight. I just hate this fucking skin and it pisses me off more every time I have to deal with it. I hate that I have very little hope of ever having reconstructive surgery because my husband has completely ruined us financially. I hate that now, for the first time in my life, I am at a normal body weight, yet I can't enjoy it like other normal 28 year olds by wearing age appropriate fashions because my skin would be hanging out everywhere. I guess I'm just mourning the loss of this part of my life because I wasted the only chance I had being fat, and now that I'm not, I've ruined my body too much to make up for it.

Whaaa, poor me, life's not fair! I need to get over myself already. I know I need to accept this part of me too, but damnit it's so hard! I'm tired of kicking myself for it, but I just can't seem to stop. I'm just tired in general of so much right now, but nothings gonna change until I change it. My happiness is up to me, so what am I gonna do about it? Good question.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Addiction

Hi, my name is Beverly and I'm addicted to food. It's a passion for me. Even though the foods I choose to eat are healthy now, the drive to eat more and more, my compulsion with it never really leaves me. When I've finished eating my mind automatically skips to when and what I'll be able to eat next. How much longer until my next snack or meal? My addiction to food, the relationship I have with it is still the same as it was throughout my obesity. The feelings didn't just stop when I reached my goal weight. I believe this is a disease, not unlike alcohol or drug addiction, I will never be cured of it. I've just learned to cope with it and live my life in spite of it. This is a daily process of making conscious choices in favor of health rather than desire. Sure I may desire different foods now, which is absolutely astounding considering my life long love of all things sweet and yummy, but the desire to overeat even though it is nutritious foods that I now crave, is still strong and present. I mean just now, as I finished my evening snack of black cherry yogurt, my mind automatically thought, hmmm, I could have another one of those if I want, it's my choice. Yea, it is my choice, and I know that I don't need another one, I just want another one, and the wanting is what gets me into trouble. For so long I gave into all my wants, how else could my weight have reached over 320 lbs.? I know that I can't give into all my wants if I plan on maintaining this weight loss for the rest of my life. So even though it may not be "bad" for me, the mentality is, and that's what I strive to control every single day. The compulsion is my nemesis, one that I will be fighting for the rest of my life. But I know that and I can accept that, and I can live with that knowledge. Acceptance, I believe, has been the key to finally achieving success in this life long struggle with weight and food. I accept that I will never be one of those people who can eat what ever they want without gaining a pound, I will never have a "perfect" body, I will never not have issues with food and body image. I accept that I am the way I am, and it's what I do with that knowledge that ultimately make the difference between success and failure. I choose success. Thank god I have the choice.

July 6, 2005

Okay, now that all the formalities are out of the way let's get down to the real shiznit. Life has been sucking a bit lately. I'm feeling stuck and I know that it's time for me to make some changes but I'm so petrified of change that I allow myself to remain a deer in the headlights, frozen in place. I work from home doing tech support for a religious software product, which is completely laughable since I am agnostic and could care less about all that mumbo jumbo. I wholeheartedly respect other's rights to believe in whatever they choose, but that shit's just not for me. I go along with it though, cause that's my job and I believe in doing my job well. So what if I have to humor a bunch of ultimately really nice people along with few religious fanatics, what's that gonna hurt? Anyway, it's a cushy job that allows me ample time to spend with my daughter along with tons of free time, especially when she's in school. I really like the freedom of it but I'm completely unfulfilled with it and I'm more and more getting the feeling that I should be doing more. Possibly having to do with my weight loss, like teaching and supporting others in their own attempts. Maybe some kind of public speaking gig, who knows. Whatever I end up doing though it has to be able to support us since I couldn't possibly just quit my current job and give up the pay. I want to find a way to share with people that weight loss doesn't have to be about some plan or surgery. Although I respect other people's decisions to follow popular plans or have surgery (to each his own) I just know that it wasn't the right choice for me and I imagine countless others feel the same way. So I guess I just want to let them know that it really can be done. I dunno, maybe that's why I'm doing this now. I've been itching to share my story and this seems like a good outlet until I can figure out what I want to be when I grow up! Well, I guess that's enough blabbing for now. I'm sure I'll get more into my history and journey another time, I just felt the need to write about a whole buncha nothin for right now.

Here goes nothing!

My name is Beverly. I am a wife and a mother of one soon to be eight-year-old daughter. I am 5’8” and have successfully gone from 320+ lbs. to a healthy 130 lbs. and have kept if off for close to two years. Here is my story…

I have been big all of my life. As a child I remember defending my pudginess on the playground by saying, “Its just baby fat!” while my faced burned with embarrassment. I remember sneaking food and always being very conscious of how much I was getting compared to others, making sure I never got less than anyone else. I used to catch a bus to local convenient stores with a friend where we would load up on candy with our allowances. We would pretend that we needed to get so much because we were sharing with all of our friends but when we got home we would eat every bit of it ourselves. I remember trying desperately not to stand out at school, hoping that the kids would simply forget I was there and not feel the need to make fun of the “fat girl”, but inevitably they always did. As a child and a teen I tried every diet imaginable. I was on Slim Fast repeatedly; I tried a high protein diet and even did Jenny Craig with my mom, just to name a few. Like so many others, I tried diet after diet hoping that this time I would find the miracle I was looking for, each time only finding failure and losing myself just a little bit more in the process. For a time in high school I starved my way down to about 180 lbs. (the smallest I had ever been) and felt pretty good until I started passing out and suffering panic attacks because I wasn't eating and my body had begun shutting down. During the year after I got married I quickly put on 50 lbs. and then I seemed to level off at about 230 lbs. Which is where I stayed for a few years. Even after I had my daughter I still never got below 230 lbs., of course I wasn’t really trying that much either. And soon, when I was able to quit work and stay home with her, I just gave up completely. That is when I stopped caring (or so I told myself) and didn't even try to watch what I ate anymore. The weight quickly piled on until I found myself at somewhere over 320 lbs. I stayed right around this weight for a few years just hiding and eating. I never wanted to go anyplace where others would see me. I couldn't find clothes that fit me in regular stores anymore so I lived in my husband's old sweats and t-shirts. I certainly couldn't keep up with my daughter so I just sat there (usually eating) while she played around me. Over the years I made a couple of half-hearted attempts to lose the weight but I had convinced myself that I would never be able to take it off on my own. I told myself it would take some miracle weight loss pill or surgery that would radically change the way my body worked forever. And since I couldn't afford these things, there just wasn't anything I could do about it. Denial is a wonderfully convenient but ultimately destructive thing. Then, when my daughter was turning five and about to start Kindergarten, (September of 2002) I found out that my mom was coming for a visit. We don't get to see each other very often because she lives pretty far away and I was always embarrassed to let her see how big I had gotten. When she came I automatically started to limit what and how much I ate, like she wouldn't know that I didn't normally eat this way! Just another form of denial, I guess. But by the time she left a few weeks later I realized that I had the perfect opportunity to really get a handle on my weight problem. Her visit had given me the jumpstart I needed and for some reason that was all it took. Things seemed to just click this time. I had seen some definite results from the changes I made, I had lost a few pounds, and I realized that it just wasn't as hard as I assumed it would be. That is when I really put my plan into action. I cut out soda and started drinking as much water as possible. I started using the treadmill I had bought a few years earlier during one of my many failed attempts to try to get my weight under control, but had just been collecting dust ever since. Now, don’t get me wrong, walking on the treadmill was slow going at first and anything but easy. But I forced myself to do it day after day, usually never going more than 30 minutes at a time, but always trying to increase the speed as often as possible. I even began checking out books on tape from the local library to listen to while I walked which helped take my mind off of what I was doing. I also started eating three meals and 2-3 snacks a day. Just making sure to watch my portions and make better food choices. I couldn't do anything radical because my family certainly wasn't going to diet with me so I still ate normal foods just less of them and I always added a big salads with my meals. This is also when I joined a website I had heard about from a friend. www.3fatchicks.com is this wonderfully informative, hugely supportive group of people who are all going through the same things as me. I became a part of the 100 lb. club, which is a group of truly inspirational woman (and even a few men) who all share the same daunting task of trying to loose 100 pounds or more. This group of friends is always there during good times and bad, giving and taking advice, encouraging and motivating and always cheering one another on. Soon the weight really began to drop off and I knew that this was finally "it". I didn't need pills or surgery; I was doing this on my own! I found that I didn't even miss all the treats and gooey desserts that I had so desperately craved before. And when a craving did hit I would repeat to myself a quote that I first saw on the boards at 3fc, "Never trade what you want at the moment for what you want the most." So I kept on day after day, sometimes slipping up but mostly staying on track. Sometimes having to force myself to make the right choices even when I didn’t want to, but always believing that I WAS going to succeed this time. And that is what I did. On November 3, 2003 I reached my goal. In a little over 13 months I went from 320+ lbs. to 150 lbs. Since then I have taken off a few more pounds and I now fluctuate between 126 and 130 lbs., which is where I plan to stay, my “line in the sand” being 135 lbs. I know if I cross that line it’s time to get my but in gear and go back to basics. I have also entered into the last leg of this journey, that of maintenance. I know it won’t be easy and it certainly hasn’t been thus far. My ongoing struggle with food didn’t just disappear as soon as I reached my goal. I know that this is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. But I am okay with that because I also know that I have the tools and knowledge to keep my body healthy and strong from now on. And that is exactly what I am going to do. I have finally taken control over my body and life and now the possibilities seem endless. One day I hope to be able to have reconstructive surgery to remove the excess skin that has been left due to years of abuse and neglect of this body. But for now that remains just a dream since we are in absolutely no position to afford such an expensive surgery. I’ve even briefly considered trying to get on one of those shows that do radical makeovers, but I'm not willing to be away from my daughter and can’t afford to be away from work for the six to eight weeks that is required. So here I am, trying to be comfortable in my own skin, and learning to live in a world so foreign to me. My plan is to take it one day at a time, and never stop believing in the power of me.