My grandma says to me tonight, “So I hear you have a boyfriend?” D'oh, slaps forehead. Been talking to mom have we? Oy vey. She just wants me to be as happy as she was with grandpa. Sounds good to me. She's lonely during the holidays too she says, she and grandpa used to have so much fun this time of year. I wonder if she noticed the hitch in my voice as I held back tears while we chatted about old times? That's what we always do, along with her telling of morbid old lady jokes that make me belly laugh and realize that growing old really can be done gracefully. Thank you for the call Grandma, I needed that tonight. So apparently the old potted pine tree grandpa hauled into the house each Christmas was bought the year their oldest child Steve was killed in a tragic motorcycle accident. I had no idea. It's been planted in the backyard ever since it got too big to bring in the house and is now as tall as the telephone wires. I always thought it was so kewl they had their own Christmas tree to use each year. Of course there was always lots of kewl stuff at grandma and grandpa's house. I saw a remake of the 50's something Barbie in Walmart the other day. Y'know, the one with red, curly hair and a black and white striped one-piece bathing suit? Grandma had that original little gem in the toy box in the poolroom, and even made hand crocheted dresses for the dolls. My cousin Alex and I used to spend hours digging through that toy box and playing Barbies. Oh, and the elaborate blanket forts we made under the pool table! So many fun memories from grandma and grandpa's house...

Em insists she'll bare me no grandchildren, which I'm fine with until she's about 30 or so, but beyond that it's just cruel! The lil' heifer, sheesh.

Christmas is so lonely for me now. I miss family Christmases from my childhood. I miss having somewhere to go and people to be with. Even with Bub we had family come visit or to go visit. But now my brother and sil go to her dad's on Christmas, my dad has his own family and Em and I have... each other. It's still not the same though... I was so desperate last Christmas that Em and I actually went to Bub's parents' house just so we'd have family to spend it with. Bub wasn't there of course, and it was nice not to be alone, but it still wasn't what I was looking for. This year we just stayed home, and I thought I would be okay, but the lonliness has set in so here I am. I don't want to spend anymore Christmases alone; I don't want to spend anymore anythings alone. The coming year is going to be one of change for me. It seems I need to do that every so often just to shake things up and give myself some purpose so now it's time again.

about damn time

Sometimes trying to raise an emotionally unstable child is simply more overwhelming than I can bear. There are days when it is never ending. Then there are days when she is only just out of control enough to keep me off balance. The day in and day out struggle is exhausting, truly. I am, however, grateful that she is self aware, unlike Bub. Typically after a “bad day” she can at least admit to the irrational behavior and show sincere remorse. On the flip side though, she's taken to using her chemical imbalance as an excuse as in, “I can't help it, I have problems”. And to some extent that is true, but it remains her burden and responsibility to keep herself in check. A few weeks ago she decided she didn't need her meds anymore. I knew something was up as I watched her deteriorate but I didn't realize what it was until she confessed during an emotional outburst that left her rocking violently whilst crying uncontrollably. I often wonder if she would have been different had I gotten her out of that environment sooner, or if this would have been her fate regardless, simply for being Bub's child? There has been progress, don't get me wrong, but I still long for more good days than not.

We'll be moving into the city this summer. The hour (each way) commute got old almost immediately so we're going to downsize to save on time, money and my sanity. Of course that means selling the house but I'm pretty confidant that I'll come out ahead. Luckily Em's social limitations means she's fine with changing schools, and the school district I'm getting her into looks to be excellent and comes highly recommended. Work is going very well, it seems my customer service experience and patience with stupid people translates well in collections. I've been there for almost a year now and figure I'll probably stay for as long as they'll have me, or until my numbers hit of course. ;) They even offer tuition reimbursement so maybe I really will get a chance to go back to school when Em's ready.

I'm trying my hand at dating. I got sick and tired of being alone and figured 32 was a bit young for full on cat lady status. Luckily the friendships and relationships I've experienced sans Bub have taught me so much about what's important to me, particularly which behaviors are and are not acceptable. And that, perhaps, I really am worth special treatment. Thank you for that honey, thank you. There's such an interesting dynamic between men and women. The intensity and newness leaves my head spinning which also explains how people can jump right into relationships without really knowing each other. But I'm keeping my head on straight, as well as trying to remain realistic about the prospect of nurturing a real relationship given the severity of Em's issues. I honestly think a lot of her problem is lack of positive male/fatherly influence, but I also know it will take an extraordinary person to take this burden on. So baby steps it is, as it should be. He's a nice guy and reminds me of my step-dad so I can't really go wrong there. I'm looking for red flags and asking a lot of questions but so far so good.

Other than that, Bub's still an idiot, 'nuff said.