Wednesday, October 31, 2007

CRAP! Memphis fell through. Honestly, I should know better by now, yet it never fails to catch me off guard when stuff like this happens. They were hiring him contract and they called today wanting to put the contract on hold for one week because of some budgeting concerns. He said their indecision and lack of professionalism in asking him to wait right before he was set to move irritated him, so he has decided to blow them off, hence no more Memphis. He did however, ask new chick to marry him yesterday, to which she giddily agreed. Good lord, what a ride she has in store for her, and this is only just the beginning…

In other news, a friend made a comment yesterday that I found quite intriguing, thus blog-worthy of course. He mentioned that he rarely uses as much of his vocabulary with anyone as he does with me, which I thought interesting on more than one level. First, I enjoy words. While their brevity obviously eludes me, their sheer power entices and inspires me. I feel that a large vocabulary is essential to a broad view and understanding of the world and all that surrounds us. How can one find the perfect sentiment to adequately express specific emotions without at least a significant understanding of words and their meanings? Or how to describe and define true beauty, as seen in the eye of the beholder? Vocabulary, i.e. knowledge, is essential, ever evolving, and in the eye of this beholder, beautiful in its own right. Second, I found his statement somewhat disheartening. I thought it a touch sad that so many could easily overlook such a powerful tool. Especially now, in the age of text talk, which I am oftentimes guilty of myself here and do use readily in IM, I still feel it is highly inappropriate anywhere other than in the context of texting or instant messaging. And I’ll not even so much as comment on where I feel texting is appropriate, or cell phone use for that matter, but I’m sure you can imagine my views on the subject. In fact, my writing prof recently told us that she actually had more than one paper turned in with honest to god text talk intermittently spattered within. Just imagine, u for you, ur for you are or you’re, the number 2 for to or too in a college writing assignment. I kid you not, she was both amazed and appalled, and with good reason I might add. Is it really so difficult to put just a bit of forethought into our words and choose wisely? And then take it a step further and spell them out correctly whenever appropriate to do so? And don’t even get me started on the apparent inability of so many to differentiate between to too and two, your and you’re, whose and who’s, etc. Yes, it’s a pet peeve of mine that’s gotten worse with age, and I notice it in every single thing I read without fail. And now to take my notably toned down rant (as opposed to the expletive ridden one below), in an entirely different direction, I’ll have you know that not once did I consider limiting Em’s potential with nonsensical baby talk and gibberish. Instead I’ve consciously spoken up to her rather than down, with the absolute knowledge that she would rise to each occasion with either inquisitiveness or understanding. And now, I believe, because of that practice along with her inherent precociousness, her own substantial vocabulary regularly astounds and amazes even the most deferential of teachers and adults alike. She is remarkable really, and not just because of maternal bias, although I’m sure my glasses are somewhat rosily tinted much of the time, but because of the sheer imaginative power this child possesses, and her ability to express it so vibrantly in the written form. Her work, quite honestly, never ceases to amaze me. All I can do at times is just shake my head in utter disbelief and awe at what she can so effortlessly accomplish when she has a mind to. She’s a natural that girl, and obviously destined for greatness... as if any child of mine could be otherwise. ;-) teehee

Okay, stepping gingerly down from my soapbox now…

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Jeez, someone had a bad case of the crankies there, huh? ;-) Oh well, everyone is entitled to a good anger-filled rant every now and then aren’t they? At any rate, I’m good now, just needed to get that off my chest. So excuse my French, and back to business as usual shall we??

So, I met new chick this weekend. Teehee, that was fun! No seriously, no sarcasm here.. it really was fun. I’ve been angling to size her up for some time now. She’s funny and loud, and kinda fru-fru in a redneck sort of way. Wait.. fru-fru and redneck? The hell you say? I promise, it can be and is done all the time. Big hair, loud perfume, heavy makeup and an undying love of Nascar and anything camo…yes, camo. Did you read “redneck”? Helloooo? She seemed nice enough, in that nervous sort of “oh crap, the new chick meets the ex chick” kinda way. They looked very cute and happy together, as Bub is obviously basking in the joy of his rejuvenated narcissist supply. And I am basking in the joy of the continued attention diversion, except of course for the periodic debriefing so that I may acquire new material for the ongoing Bubba docudrama.

In other news, my next writing assignment is to create a persuasive essay. Persuasive… as in to persuade another to see an opposing view using logic and reason, and perhaps even get them to change their own. Are you freakin kidding me? Serious mental block here. I have an innate inability to persuade anyone to do anything using logic and reason. Quite honestly, I feel as though I have a real disconnect here.. like those particular synapses have ceased to fire long ago. This is totally tripping me up and I am stuck.. like a deer in the headlights. I’ve already told my Prof that I need HEEEEELP, and we plan to set up an appointment so that she can do just that. It was funny actually; she was like “what?! Of anyone I thought you would be the last person in class to need help on a persuasive paper”. It totally floored her that I was having trouble, which I definitely took as a compliment, but still…she doesn’t yet have full disclosure on just how messed up this noggin of mine really is. Oh boy, is she ever in for it! ;-)

Major History exam tomorrow…well, technically today being that its 12freakin30 and I’m still up studying, wish me luck. Then a Psych exam on Thursday..ug. Whose idea what this whole school thing anyway?? Sheesh!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Well, Bub is moving to Memphis next weekend to start his new job on Nov. 5th. Yes, his lady friend is moving with him, as predicted, and they’ve already been spying engagement rings. Our 18-month separation was marked on October 21 without even a second thought from me, for which I later pondered the significance, although not with much enthusiasm. I realized that I didn’t care, and quite frankly, I really don’t care that I didn’t care. We will be filing the papers sometime in November or early December, and once final he will be a free man to marry any unsuspecting and unprepared chick he pleases. He’s got it bad apparently.. real bad. He rambles on and on about what a changed man he is, and how life doesn’t phase him anymore.. how he can just go with the flow now without the unrelenting need to be right and be heard. He tells me of different scenarios with new chick and how differently he reacts to them in comparison with how he did with me. At first I found it amusing, then somewhat sad, and then... then I got fucking pissed. What gives him the fucking right to be laid back now? After the miserable hell he put Em and I through for so many years? He was a bastard, pure and simple..an entitled, narcissistic, whacked out BASTARD. And now.. NOW, he’s a changed fucking man?! Bullshit. And y’know what’s worse? I’m pissed that I’m pissed. Oh, and then he fucking apologizes like he’s this compassionate fucking asshole that he NEVER was because I accidentally let the wall crack a bit when the full force of this “changed man” BS he was spouting hit me in the form of those goddamned tears that I seem to have no ability to control. Pfffffft, fugetaboutit...who needs this shit? Who the hell knows how to lay brick, I have a wall to rebuild...

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

It's official:

BUB IS MOVING TO MEMPHIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes Virgina, there is a Santa Claus ;-)

More details to come...

Monday, October 22, 2007

Boy, can I call ‘em or what? Bub’s gf came to visit him last Wednesday and hasn’t left since, nor has she any intention of doing so imo. He says he’s in luuuurve and that his feelings have been reciprocated. My god, what an ass...

And yes Wien, he does indeed come to me for love advice since I am the one who knows him best. But I brought this upon myself, and for good reason I might add, as I try very hard to keep him friendly and happy with me because, quite frankly, life is so much easier when he is. But also for the absolute sadistic enjoyment I (and sooo many others) get out of his idiotic antics. As I’ve said before, the entertainment value alone is simply priceless.

I’ve got my midterms already, A’s in writing and Govt., B’s in Hist and psych. I’ll take those; I haven’t the need for absolute perfection. As long as I can stay this course I’ll be quite pleased with my first college semester experience. Em, of course, has a deeply ingrained need for perfection and is freaking completely out with her one B in GT math, despite all A’s elsewhere. I can’t help wondering if she would have been this way were it not for Bub’s incessant demands for such? Perhaps its best never know what might have been. Those damn “only if’s”...

Now, since some of you have asked, here is the final version of my narrative writing essay “The Great Escape”. It is, of course, about THAT day, though a condensed version, as I didn't feel the details and a completely accurate timeline were necessary to it’s telling.

The Great Escape

The day dawned quietly with a muggy threat of rain in the air. HE had gone to work that morning, thank goodness, as his work habits were unreliable at best. The likelihood of ever changing scenarios played constantly in my head, knowing his tendencies the way I do. But the plans had long been laid, meticulously thought out, ducks formidably in a row, and now as the low trailer backed quietly into the drive my heart began to beat wildly in my chest. My mind racing with all that must be done in the precious little time that I had. No, I can’t think of the “what ifs” now, no time for that, there’s work to be done. I was doing the right thing, I was certain of that. It was no longer a matter of want anymore; it hadn’t been for some time now. Not since I realized the affect my further inaction would likely have on our lives... her life really. And so the time had finally come to delve into the deep abyss of fear and uncertainty… to carry out the finely orchestrated plan of our great escape.

My brother, having successfully parked the trailer and let down the tail, walked up to me gently, unsure of how to proceed “Hey sis, are you ready?” My resolve gave way to fear, and then quickly to sorrow. Was I ready? It had been a long row to hoe on this journey into oblivion, but this really was the day, my freedom so tangibly at hand. Yet the reality of what I was about to do came crashing suddenly down. Eyes welling and chest heaving I spun around and raced back inside, dodging the half packed boxes along the way. In the bathroom then, palms pressed firmly atop the stained old vanity, head hanging low as the tears rolled freely down my face from the body wracking "ugly cry" as Oprah calls it. At last I slowly raised my head, meeting my own determined red-rimmed eyes in the mirror as I let out a long hitching breath. This is it; the time has come, no going back now. One last sob is all I would allow myself before wiping the tears from my pallid cheeks and stepping back out to face the uncertainty that lie ahead.

The next few hours were a blur of throwing belongings into boxes and hauling the heavier items that I meant to take with me out to the trailer. My brother and I moving quickly and efficiently; never even a hint of the anger and criticism I had grown so accustomed to throughout the years of far too many moving days with HIM. I made mental note of the ease with which we worked so I could remind myself later of yet another thing I realized I wasn’t incompetent at, as I had always been led to believe. Never again would I spend another moving day (or any other for that matter) living in fear of inevitably doing something wrong, and the rage and marathon lecture sure to follow. The relentless record playing in my head, you’re not listening, you don’t know how to communicate, you’re selfish, you’re lying, you don’t try, that’s not good enough, there’s something wrong with you, you’re broken. Same shit different day... and more often than not, the same day.

As we worked HE called to let me know that he wasn’t feeling well and would likely come home early. I expected as much, no surprises there, we quickened our pace. Not long until the last of it was securely tied down and ready to go. I took one final look around at the last place we would ever share, laid the note where HE couldn’t possibly miss it, and then shut the door with a resounding thud. I dialed the phone, my heart in my throat. “You’ll need to find another ride home,” I said, “I moved out today.” “What?!” he bellowed in HIS way. “I moved out today. I’m safe, she’s safe... it’s over.” flipping the phone shut, I thought I might vomit. I turned off the phone. Dear God, what have I just done? I saved us, that’s what... and the feeling passed.

I stopped to pick my precious girl up early from school, making sure not to take any chances. She skipped out giddily, knowing why I was there. Never again would she have to spend another day living in fear of inevitably doing something wrong, and the rage and marathon lecture sure to follow. Breaking the relentless record playing in her own head; that’s not good enough, you’re not good enough, I expect better, I expect more, that’s stupid, you’re lying, you’re broken, I’ll break you… The freedom to finally be a kid sparkled vibrantly in her eyes as she hugged me tightly and asked, “Is it all done?” “Yes baby” I replied wearily, “all done.” With an extra squeeze of her little girl arms around my waist she whispered, “Then let’s go home mom, our home.” Yes home, where the heart is, because that’s all that truly matters. And so home we finally went.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Bub has a girlfriend, teehee! He’s also on the brink of another major life upheaval in that it is fairly certain that he will soon take a position in Memphis, TN for FedEx’s IT department. Woohoo!! He justifies the move by telling himself that Em is getting to the age where she wouldn’t want to hang out with her parents soon anyway. Ummm, okaaaay? Whatever it takes to make it acceptable in your little head is fine by me dude. Its not like you’re an integral part of her life anyway, except when being a Disney Dad, otherwise she hasn’t much use or tolerance for you, but I digress. So the girlfriend thing... hmmm. Glad it’s her and not me sitting through the hours upon hours of talking about the pros and cons of each and every intricate nuance of this forthcoming decision. Although I do kinda feel sorry for the chick in that no one should be subjected to his nonsensical rantings, but she’s new, and the shine has yet to wear off. I’ve considered what my responsibility is in warning her of what is inevitably to come, but I’ve concluded that it is simply neither my place nor my duty. These lessons must be learned individually lest they not be learned at all. If she happens to come to me down the road with questions and concerns then I may be willing to reevaluate my position, but for now, well... like I said, glad its her and not me. Em and I certainly appreciate the attention diversion. Anyway, they’ve only had two official dates thus far, but they’ve already decided to become exclusive. Which, in turn, leads me to predict that they will be living together inside of two months, as he is simply incapable of being alone. Of course they’re both technically homeless right now so it should make for an interesting outcome in that regard. BTW, if anyone wants in on this action, the odds are excellent and the pool closes at midnight. ;-) Oy vey, you just can’t buy this kind of entertainment. Perhaps I’ll write a book after all: The Life And Times of Bubba... oh hell, something like that! ;-)

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I Tried to Climb the Mountain Today

Gary Barnes
Copyright 1999

I tried to climb the mountain today. As I inched my way up the path, I felt overwhelmed, so I had to turn back.

I tried to climb the mountain today. On my journey, darkness started to fall, and I was full of fear, so I had to return to a safe place.

I was ready to climb the mountain today. But it was so hot outside, I thought I better stay in my nice air-conditioned house and rest up for tomorrow's attempt.

I was about to climb the mountain today. But I had so many other things to do, so instead of climbing the mountain I took care of much more important tasks. I washed my car, mowed the grass and watched the big game. Today the mountain will just have to wait.

I was going to climb the mountain today. But as I stared at the mountain in its majestic beauty, I knew I stood no chance of making it to the top, so I figured why even bother trying.

I have forgotten about climbing the mountain today; until a friend came by and asked me what I was up to lately. I told him I was thinking about climbing that mountain some day. I went on and on about how I was going to accomplish this task.

Finally, he said, "I just got back from climbing the mountain. For the longest time I told myself I was trying to climb the mountain but never made any progress. I almost let the dream of making it to the top die. I came up with every excuse of why I could not make it up the mountain, but never once did I give myself a reason why I could. One day as I stared at the mountain and pondered, I realized that if I didn't make an attempt at this dream all my dreams will eventually die."

"The next morning, I started my climb." He continued, "It was not easy, and at times I wanted to quit. But no matter what I faced, I placed one foot in front of the other, keeping a steady pace. When the wind tried to blow me over the edge, I kept walking. When the voices inside my head screamed "Stop!" I focused on my goal never letting it out of sight, and I kept moving forward. At times, I was ready to quit, but I knew I had come too far. Time and time again, I reassured myself that I was going to finish this journey. I struggled to make it to the top, but I climbed the mountain!"

"I have to be going," my friend said. "Tomorrow is a new day to accomplish more dreams. By the way, what are you going to do tomorrow?"

I looked at him, with intensity and confidence in my eyes, and said, "I have a mountain to climb."



Take what you will from the story, it's meanings reach far and wide.

Monday, October 15, 2007



From my rose bush today after the rain...

Friday, October 12, 2007

Congrats to my wonderful cousin Alex and her equally wonderful honey Bill on their long awaited and highly anticipated wedding last weekend! Sooooo, when are you gonna have kids already?? teehee, let the onslaught begin! ;-)

My writing teacher told me today that if I ever wrote a book she would buy it. HUGE compliment imo, which I subsequently expressed to her. I also indicated that there are indeed a few ideas knocking around upstairs, but we shall see... I have much to do and but one lifetime to do it in; makes me wonder how some manage it all? But I have time, baby steps of course.

She actually asked if she could read my first essay aloud to the class. I froze of course, considering its topic (the Great Escape), because you all know how much I lurrrrve public displays! Its one thing for all of you to read my dysfunctional musings from afar, but to put it out there before a group of people while sitting in their presence? Not really my cup of tea, if ykwim?

Speaking of said essay, I indeed received an A, for which I was pleasantly appreciative. I guess I take special pride in the notion that the crap I put to paper (or keyboard) is well received by others. Which I suppose should come as no surprise since y’all have been saying as much forever now, but it certainly doesn’t hurt when a trained professional concurs y’know? I also just turned in the rough draft of my second paper, which was to be based on a belief. I chose the topic of “Everything Happens For A Reason” because the sentiment couldn’t ring more true in my life, as you all know. And it was after reviewing this 2nd paper that she paid me the afore mentioned compliment, so I’m feeling pretty confident in this latest assignment as well. Anyway, nough bout that, lets see what other topics I’ve neglected for too long…

Well momma bear indeed came out and ripped the poor little 5th grade guidance counselor a new one over Em's scheduling fiasco, only to have my darling daughter, the petulant little heifer that she is, come back to me wavering on her staunch indignation of switching to GT math. After having to attend the new classes while I was working to get her schedule changed back, she’s decided that she likes GT math (and her GT math teacher) after all. Figures! Rolls eyes... I feel kinda bad for the guidance counselor... but not enough to lose sleep over it or anything. I mean they still screwed up regardless, so I’d say a little ass chewin was most definitely in order. ;-) She’s flip-flopped a few more times since then, to which I told her to suck it up and finish out the semester in GT math. If she decides she truly wants out at that point then I’ll be willing to revisit the topic, otherwise she can just zip it! Damn, that elusive mother of the year award evades me once again... ;-) More later...

Oh yeah, almost forgot, for Dawnyal... love ya babe! ;-)