via my bff, love ya babe!

Two years ago today…

Was the day of the great escape.

Bub got served on Friday; I have officially filed for divorce. I gave him a head’s up email first just so it wouldn’t be a complete sucker punch when the process server showed up at trailer #53. He’s not too happy with me, to say the least. He gave me a chance to reconsider and informed me that if I didn’t he would “fight tooth and nail” for custody. I thought it particularly generous of him to give me a chance to see the light before he brings down the hammer, but this is Bub we’re talking about, obviously generosity and kindness abound. Anyway, I was purposefully concise in our correspondence because words are merely loopholes for him, and then I forwarded the messages on to my mom and my lawyer, in that order. I haven’t much else to say about it really, it’s done, the ball is rolling, and now I must let come what may.

School is almost over for both of us, which I’m looking forward to. And I’m wondering whether or not I’ll be able to return in the fall. It’s been incredibly stressful this semester and I’m questioning my ability to hack it. I dunno yet, I’ll give it some time and thought, and let everyone know when I know.

The silly boy is reading my blog now. All together now, everyone say hi! He really wanted to read it and I felt it was time, so there you have it. He’s been my backbone in getting this divorce going; I don’t think I’d be at the place I am now if it wasn’t for him (I’m not blaming you, you goof, I’m thanking you, sheesh!). His encouragement, pep talks, and constant support have meant the world to me. He, my family, friends, all have been an amazing support staff (*wink @ Dave), and I simply couldn’t ask for more. He’s been amazing to Em too, as I’ve allowed them to talk and chat over time. Constant positive reinforcement and encouragement, playful and fun, and never a hint of irritation or anger. Which, believe me, that girl can evoke in the best of them when she has a mind to.

Em and her new bff have been spending copious amounts of time together and have now decided that they will go to undergrad together and then on law school all while living together. Then they'll open their own law practice and commence to rule the world. Well, she didn’t exactly say that last part, but we all know its part of her evil plan. I took the kids to a park in North Little Rock on Sunday that has playground equipment, hiking trails, batting cages, and its own little amusement park. So here’s some pics just cuz.
"the rocket ship"
Em at the helm of the tank.
On the Tilt A Whirl.

I picked up his police reports today so I could take them with me to the lawyer’s on Monday. They were an interesting read to say the least. Apparently his offenses were categorized as “Drunk or Insane” *snicker. The lady who printed them up for me at the police station took one look at the reports and said wow, this guy needs some help. Ya think? And as I was leaving the police station I told the chick behind the counter, “See ya next week.” implying of course that I’d be by to pick up another report after his next flip out. Sooo sassy, *grins.

He was released already; came home today. Which I’m sure only occurred because it was cheaper to treat him on an out-patient basis rather than in-patient since he has no insurance or viable means of support; God bless America. They also sent the suicidal man home with his very own prescription crazy medication. I suppose they thought handing him a loaded gun would have been a bit much. Hmmmm…

Em’s been quite the social butterfly lately. She has a new bff who fits her just right. This girl is sweet, accommodating, and is always perfectly happy to do whatever Em wants. See what I mean? Like bread and buttah, being that Em is a natural leader and her bff is a natural follower. Anyway, Em went home from school with said bff on Friday and just kinda stayed. I’ve met the parents, been to their house, and had bff over here several times too, so I’m kewl with the friendship and the family. Plus I’m always thrilled when Em can spend her free time just being a kid rather than dealing with Bub’s crap. It’s nice when I can get a mommy break and just be able to relax knowing that she won’t need deprogramming when she gets home. So what have I done with all this free time you ask? Not a damn thing! Unless you count copious amounts of peaceful slumber and generally unproductive dawdling. I suppose I could sweep or something… nahhhhh. ;-)

Oops he did it again...

This time for realz. The details are still sketchy but apparently Bub swallowed some of new chick’s pills and is now resting comfortably at an in-patient facility. I had no idea anything was going on until he called Em (presumably from the hospital after having his stomach pumped) to tell her that he was going away for a little while to get some help. Then his brother called and let me in on what was going on, as much as he knew anyway. From what I’ve been able to piece together he and new chick got into it per usual and he left out walking. He then came back and took some of her pills before leaving again. Somehow the police became involved though I’m not sure why, and they tried to pick him up. Apparently he ran from the cops and then resisted and fought them when they finally caught him. At that point the pills kicked in and he went into a seizure whereupon an ambulance was called. He was then taken to the hospital to have his stomach pumped, which he also fought the ER attendants on, but they got it done regardless. After spending most of the day in the critical care unit he was transported to a facility in another town where he is now being held until further notice. It seems that he was given the choice to either go to in-patient willingly or go to jail. Since he went willingly there won’t be any charges filed by the cops.

New chick is being a real drama queen saying she can’t leave because she has no place to go since she spent all of her crazy check on the rent and utilities for the trailer. They ended up not getting kicked out because he convinced her to stay and she ponied up the dough. Now she’s saying she has no choice because she’s out of money so she’ll likely be there when he gets back and then the whole cycle can commence repetition. I dunno, she might go; it’s all pretty iffy right now. I offered to take her somewhere if she wants me to but she didn’t take me up on it at the time. He’s playing the same old head games with her as he did with me so I get her confusion and apprehension.

Either way, I’m still moving forward with my plans. I figured I might as well just kick him while he’s down. (Sarcasm peppered with remorse and guilt) I can’t let this change anything otherwise it’ll never end, and I am soooo ready for it to end. At least this way I will no longer be responsible for making and paying for his funeral arrangements if he tries again and manages to succeed. That was me trying to put a positive spin on things in case you missed it. ;-)

I got an A on my research paper, first time with no revisions. Although, and to be quite honest, I shouldn’t have; it wasn’t an A paper. But I’m not gonna argue, I just wasn’t expecting such low standards. I’m also giving my first real speech (on the same subject) in my speech class tomorrow. Yippee. Wha, sarcasm? Me? *grins.

I met with another lawyer today, and this one I’ll take. No chain smoking and this one was actually wearing a bra, go figure. It’s funny though; I’m realizing just how ridiculous my whole Bubba saga sounds when trying to explain it for the first time to someone new. As I’ve said before, you just can’t make this shit up, but dear lord how could it possibly be true? My mom said it is literally like a soap opera with so many twists and turns to keep track of that it’s just unbelievable. Unbelievable. Even I have a hard time wrapping my head around it sometimes too, and I live it! So I gave her the facts and just like the shrew, she said that it was pretty cut and dry; Bub doesn’t stand a chance. Which I knew, and I suppose I’ve always known, but actually taking this final step proves almost insurmountable nonetheless. Almost insurmountable. Its time to rip the band aid off once again, just like when I left, this has to be short and sweet and catch him by surprise lest I spend the rest of my life bending to his will. Because that’s all I’ve continued to do these last two years (exactly two years on 4/21), bend over backwards to keep from pissing him off, just like always. So in a sense I’ve been working up the gumption to take this step, just as I had to when contemplating my great escape so long ago. I had to come to it in my own time and with some strategically placed prodding, but I am now finally there. Took me long enough huh?! Sheesh

Plus it doesn’t hurt that my mom and stepdad offered to pay for my divorce if I would just get on with it already! My parents are the bombdiggity! I honestly don’t know what I’d do without them. So the check is in the mail to pay my retainer fee, and once done Bub will be served, and then the shit will really hit the fan. Good times… not.

This one's a doozey, get comfy

I’ll get to the silly boy in a minute, for now I must compose the latest saga in the ongoing Bubbadrama. New chick called me distraught, they had been fighting per usual and she told him she was leaving him. He left their trailer leaving behind a note telling her to do what she wanted with his stuff, as he would no longer be needing it. She wanted to know if I had heard from him but I hadn’t since this morning when I had declined to do several favors for him. She didn’t know where he was and assumed he would harm himself somehow. I’m not sure what she expected from me as I’ve given up the co-dependant need to save him from himself. I told her to take care of herself and not to blame herself for anything he might do. He’s a big boy; he has to learn to take care of himself.

Then came a knock on the door. He was here at my house, peering through the front door window to see if I was indeed home. I opened the door and he came in and sat down. He looked like hell. Face red, un-bathed, clothes disheveled, and eerily controlled with a distinct undertone of the chaos welling beneath the surface. When will Em be home? He asks. I’m picking her up in a bit; she has an appointment I tell him. I’ll wait then, he says. No Bub, I’m sorry but you can’t wait here, we’ll be gone for a while. When can I see her then? I don’t know Bub, I don’t think she needs to see you right now. I was sitting very still with plenty of space between us but my blood had run cold as soon as I laid eyes on him. I was scared of him, physically scared and uncertain of what he might do. I wasn’t often scared of him in this way because he never actually hit me when we were together. But today I really didn’t know what he was capable of. All I knew was that he looked unlike I’ve seen him in a very long time, if ever, and that I wanted him out of my house. He told me he had nowhere to go, no home (they were being kicked out of the trailer), no friends and that he just wanted to see Em. I remained still, heart racing and trying not to shake, wondering if I would indeed need to have him removed from my home. Then he got a phone call and stepped outside only to return a few moments later saying that he was leaving and to tell Em that he loved her. I saw him out and locked the door behind him. Then did my best not to fall apart. I called my SIL as the shakes took over and proceeded to tell her what just happened. We talked for a bit and I was able to calm down, then I left to intercept Em at the bus stop for her appt. As I drove I saw him sitting on the curb about halfway down the street with his head in his hands, presumably to catch Em on her way home. Luckily he didn’t look up as I passed and I was able to usher her into the car without him being seen. With high anxiety I managed through her appt., never letting on that anything was out of the ordinary, then we tentatively made our way back home, unsure of what I would find upon our arrival. Luckily he was nowhere to be seen and I breathed a small sigh of relief. I then spoke with new chick again whereupon she told me that he had been picked up by the police and was presently handcuffed to a bench at the station. Thank god! So fast-forward a few hours. I had told Em a few sketchy details only explaining that daddy and new chick had decided to go their separate ways and that daddy was having a really bad day. But that he was safe and in a place where he could talk to somebody and get help, and that he might be going away for a little while if necessary. She was pretty distraught about the breakup as she had grown very attached to new chick and she was worried about daddy, but she was a real trooper and she seemed to accept it without too much difficulty.

And then he called. They didn’t feel he needed to be hospitalized so he was turned loose. How lovely. He wanted somebody to talk to and apparently I’m the only one he has left. He needed to plan and get advice and figure out what to do. I was very timid and distant, wishing I hadn’t answered the phone, but I did tell him that I couldn’t be that person for him anymore. He wanted to know what new chick had told me and he wanted to give his version, but I really wasn’t interested. He wanted to know why I wouldn’t help him or talk to him and I had no real answer other than it just being something I needed to do. By then Em was bugging me to talk to him so I let her say hi. Kicking myself now for my stupidity of course, but she really wanted to talk to her daddy. It was a mess. Him explaining everything away with his usual woe is me Bubba antics. Its everyone else’s fault, he’s the poor victim here and he can’t seem to catch a break. She immediately tried to fix him and save him, taking it upon herself to make everything all better for daddy. You can come live here she tells him. No Em, mommy won’t let me do that, I have no place to go. She told him what I had said to her about what was going on with him and he immediately told her how I was lying about it and that he was ok. That he wasn’t going anywhere to get help because he doesn’t need it. He then proceeded to ream me for filling her head full of crap saying that this was just another example of why he doesn’t believe she should live with me and how I never think about how my words or actions will affect her. Yes, that’s right, through all of this he still believes himself to be the more suitable parent. And he thinks he actually has a leg to stand on when it comes to proof that my parenting is somehow detrimental to her well being. I’m still the incompetent mother that I always was. SSDD Unfreakingbelievable. Anyway, they finally get off the phone and she just flips. Absolute information overload for her young mind. She internalizes everything assuming that it is up to her to make daddy happy. And now she’s pissed at me for not helping him in his time of need and apparently lying like I usually do according to him. It was insane. I just kept reiterating that daddy has to take care of himself and that its not up to her or me to save him. That her only job was to be a kid and concentrate on school, not adult matters that she has no business knowing let alone control over. It took me forever to get her calmed down but I finally did and she’s now resting comfortably.

God I’m so sick of this roller coaster. I want off. I want her safe and stable and free of his continuous mind fucks. It has to stop. I have another consultation with a lawyer tomorrow, its time to settle this once and for all.

Now, about the silly boy. I was being an absolute fatalist, unwilling to let him become a party to this chaos. So I told him that he needed to move on. D’oh! *kicks self squarely in ass. I was feeling overwhelmed, pessimistic and frankly quite stupid. So I talked it over with a dear friend who was able to make me see the error of my ways, explaining that this one isn’t just up to me; the silly boy gets a say in this too. Who’da thought? So having been set straight I tucked my tail between my legs and talked to the silly boy about what was really going on… and now we’re kewl. All together now, a collective sigh of relief…Ahhhhhhh. Damn, does that mean I’ll have to return the six new cats? ;-)