Monday, January 30, 2006

Holy shit!

Well now, isn't this an interesting turn of events? My shameful little secrets exposed to those who I sought to keep them from most. Hmmmm, where shall I even begin? You know all those plates I've got so conveniently spinning up in the air? Yeah well, I am detecting a very distinct wobble indicative of the whole lot to inevitably come crashing down. Which, I knew would always happen in just a matter of time, of course, yet I natively assumed it would be later rather than sooner. But that's precisely what I get for my typical ostrich act when the going gets tough, now isn't it? I am, needless to say, having tremendous difficulty in processing the realization that my two worlds (both online and off) have now officially collided in such profound and intimate way, as anyone who regularly reads my blog must surely have known and fully expected. In fact, I imagine that more than a few of you are quite surprised to even see me back here today. But I am here, and will continue to be, for this blog is a part of me now, and I am unwilling to let my self-imposed shame prevent me from using it for it's intended purpose, a desperately needed therapeutic means to an end. In fact, to tell you the truth, I find myself thinking how entirely ironic and appropriate it is that this "intervention" of sorts has occurred at a time when, perhaps, I needed it most. As I've stated before, I believe that everything happens for a reason, so it should come as no surprise that the very thing which may ultimately propel me into action, be the one thing which I have so obviously feared the most; my private shame being exposed in such a public way, to those whose opinions I hold in the highest regard. But maybe that's the only thing that really could have spurred me into action y'know? Perhaps I needed the decision to be taken out of my hands, else I likely would never find the courage to make the first move on my own. I've honestly been waiting for something like this to happen, well... maybe not this, precisely, (cringe) but something that would ultimately force my hand in finally doing something about my life. I have to admit though, ever since I first discovered that my "cover" had been blown, I've been in a battle with myself not to go back through each and every entry to re-live what I thought were my unassuming words, but now in an entirely new light, that of the perspective of loved ones learning for the first time, things I honestly never intended for them to know. But I refuse to beat myself up for these things which I have no control over. My words are my truth and I must be willing to accept ownership of them if I expect to enjoy the right and privilege of sharing them in such a unique way. So, re-living my past entries would only prove to be detrimental to my process of getting through this difficult time, and quite frankly pointless anyway, so I have vowed to just let that sleeping dog lie, in favor of only positive and constructive forward motion.

Now, to my beloved Aunt Sandy, thank you so much for your unconditional love and support, as well as your obvious and completely understandable concern for my well being. Second, you will have to forgive me my initial reaction of appalled devastation to the knowledge that these, the most intimate details of my life, which I had absolutely no intention of ever sharing with anyone in my "real" life, being exposed to those I least expected to see, and have worked so hard to keep guarded from. I guess you could say I freaked a bit, but that would be a gross understatement, to say the least. Now, just to be clear here, I am in no way angry or hurt by any of this. After all, I'm the one who proudly displayed my blog link in my 3fc siggy for all the world to see, just inviting any who happened upon it to come on by and partake in dissecting the craziness of my life. Of course I always knew that something like this was a possibility, especially considering that my mom knows all about my presence at 3fc, as she's the one who funded my fabulous trip to Chicago with three of my beloved 3fc comrades, Sandi, Jilly and Jiffy in May of '04. But by the time I started this blog, I'd assumed that the novelty had all but worn off, and that she couldn't possibly still frequent the site enough to ever take notice of my tiny little blog link. I did not, however, consider the now obvious idea that she would then pass along the site information in all of it's wonderfully supportive glory, to her sister, my Aunt, who has, herself, struggled with a lifetime of weight related issues as well. My Aunt, who in her own right, has proven to be a weight loss master having shed her own impressive 90-some pounds through the fantastic and worthwhile Weight Watchers program, while managing to keep it off for several years now. Little did I know, as both she and my mom live too far away for even sporadic visits, that my Aunt has once again found herself in need weight loss support, as a few pesky pounds may have inadvertently crept back on. Pounds which I have every confidence shall soon be banished again forever, knowing my Aunt's formidable strength and determination. So, of course, it seems only natural that she would check out the wonderful forum which was, and still is so instrumental in my own journey, right? However, as naive as it may sound, I honestly never once even considered such a scenario, and happily posted away all my most intimate thoughts and experiences, just assuming that this most vital and ultimately destructive link would surely never be made. Boy, was I ever wrong about that one! So now, here I am, left to lick my wounds and try to deal with what is, to me, an almost unbearable situation. One that can only be likened to that of an unsuspecting mother dragging her young daughter's topsecret schoolgirl's diary out from under the safe confines of her mattress and discovering that, not only is she flunking Algebra and has now taken up smoking, but that she is also no longer an innocent flower, having lost her most precious virginity to boot. My god, the absolute horror! My skin still crawls each time I allow my mind to wander upon it for any length of time. So, like I said, I'm not dealing with this very well. But, I am here, and my profound shame has not yet taken the very breath from my body, so maybe, just maybe survival after complete and utter mortification really is possible. But that still remains to be seen. ;D So, where to go from here? Good question. I suppose a fiercely honest conversation with my mother, complete with full disclosure on my part, is most certainly in order, as she is obviously concerned, and rightly so. But I just don't think I can deal with that right now. The fact that these things are so difficult for me to explain or even speak aloud has in no way changed just because they are now out in the open. I am still unable to find the words to accurately describe my personal shame about the way in which I have allowed myself to live and be treated. I feel as though I would only be left frustrated by the inadequacy of the words I could use describe my situation. But perhaps that kind of explanation is unnecessary, perhaps the knowledge of my profound unhappiness is all that is needed to validate my desire to put an end to this misery. I guess I never really thought about it from that light. Maybe the specifics don't really matter as much as I think they do. After all, it's my life, and if I say I'm unhappy then I am, and I shouldn't expect to have to prove why to anyone. I guess I just feel the need for validation due to Bub's unwillingness to accept that this honestly may not be the life that is meant for us, regardless of whether I've lived up to his standards of trying to make it work or not. That and because of his insistence that all of our problems come down to some inherent communication flaw within me, and has,nor will never accept responsibility for his part in this because he honestly doesn't believe there to by anything wrong with his way of thinking. And perhaps there's not anything wrong with it, after all, if I like me just the way I am, then who's to say that the way he is isn't perfectively acceptable as well, at least to himself anyway? But therein lies the problem; the "way" he is and the "way" I am, simply cannot mesh and co-exist with any harmony. We simply do not work together, and at this point I don't care to even try anymore. It occurs to me that while I have learned to accept him for who he is, regardless of whether he can or ever will do the same for me, my problem is that I just cannot continue to abide by the structure of that with which "who he is" demands. In doing so for so long, I have only succeeded in blurring my personal boundaries and losing acceptance of who I truly am in the process. I'm honestly happy that he is content with the man he has become, but I need to be content who I am as well, and I don't believe that can ever be possible as long as I continue to remain with him and am willing to accept this, what I deem to be, unacceptable treatment. But here I go, merely trying justify and validate my feelings again. Why do I feel such an emphatic need to do that, I wonder? Anyway, I'm simply rambling now, so I'll stop for the time being. But, like I said, I will be back. Although I can't promise that my blogging style will not change in any way knowing that it's not so anonymous as I once natively believed. But I will promise to try to remain true to myself and not allow any perceived judgment on my part prevent me from speaking that truth. This will be extremely difficult for me, I'm sure, but I do vow to try, I swear. So, that's it I guess. Now I'm off to bury my head in the sand once again, and try to pretend that my life has not just been irrecoverably changed forever. Yeah, we'll see how well that one ends up working for me, won't we?

Thursday, January 26, 2006

My confession

First of all, thank you to everyone for your wonderful support and for allowing a girl to wallow. I am feeling more myself now, with no more of that weepy-eyed emotional mess, just truckin along as always.

To Sandy (with a Y), a new and deeply appreciated commenter here, please forgive me but I feel as if I must surely "know" you, but I'm having trouble placing you. Did you find my blog through 3fc, perhaps? I'm dying to know and it drives me nuts when I can't place someone like this, so please, do tell.

Now, on to my confession...

I completely and utterly oinked my way through a planned "treat" meal last night, and I have no qualms saying so! My vice, the one place where I consider portion control futile, the greatly desired, much anticipated, once in a while complete free for all, no holds barred trip to the evil... Chinese buffet. Noooooooo! Now, just to qualify, this is always a planned treat meal, absolutely never a spur of the moment kind of deal. I knew it was coming, I planned for it, ate light, exercised more, and quite honestly, I allowed myself to go hog fucking wild. When I do go there I bring with me absolutely no intention of "being good" whatsoever, because I know that I want it all, and I simply will not be satisfied if I try to behave myself, and believe me, I've tried, ohhhhh how I've tried! It's just not worth it for me to try to deny myself when it comes to this place, so I decided a long time ago that this would be my "treat" meal, and that I would never, ever take it lightly. This is something that I plan for and refuse to allow myself to dwell on and beat myself up about afterwards. I am 100% OP pretty much most of the time (not all, of course, but most) so one gluttonous meal, every couple of months, is something that I feel completely content with, and I plan to continue it for as long as it truly appeals to me. Of course, I knew I would be completely miserable afterwards, (I always am) but by golly, each delectable rich and savory bite, right down to the last few, almost sickening ones, was worth every freakin' bit of misery! Gaaaaawd, I love that stuff! And you know what's sad? When I know I'm about to reach my limit, the maximum level of stuffedfulledness my poor tummy can handle, I almost feel sad because I know that my enjoyment of these foods is just about over for the time being, and because I know I won't be indulging in them again for quite a while. So it's like I'm anticipating the loss, almost mourning it as if I were about to say goodbye to a special friend that I know I won't see for a few months. Geez, talk about food addiction! It's silly really, but it's honestly how I feel.

Anyway, I'm still in the process of trying to up my poundage a little bit since my excessive consumption of peanut butter toast after my vile little stomach virus didn't quite seem to do the trick, so I thought, what the hell, let's pound a little General Tsao's and Orange shrimp, and see if we can't pack on a few, y'know? And you know what I get for gorging on all that sodium, carb and sugar, fat filled exquisitely sinful garbage? 1 pound, I'm up one measly pound. And that's probably just due to the freakin' sodium content and will fall back off anyway! WTF?!

*Note to everyone who reads this blog and struggles with your own food demons; I love you all so much and your support means the world to me, so please, please don't take my constant whining and bitching about trying to gain weight the wrong way. All along, my overall goal has been to simply achieve optimal health, and I honestly feel that in order to really achieve that goal, I need to add a little padding beneath my too thin skin. So even though it seems so wrong and may go against everything that we, as fat (or formally fat) chicks believe in, I do think it's necessary and I struggle greatly with accomplishing it because of that, hence the whining and bitching. So forgive me if my quest seems somewhat trivial. I know I'd sure be thinking "get over yourself already, this is a problem I'd like to have!", were the roles reversed. So please, don't hate the playa, just hate the game! ;D Good lord, I didn't really just write that, did I? Oy vey!

So anyway, I had my treat meal, I feel satisfied and content and have not allowed my gross overindulgence to influence my normal food and exercise routine in the slightest today, nor have I obsessed about it at all. I'm back to the grind as always, and for now, shall simply look forward to my next planned, and as always, highly anticipated excursion to evil world of the Chinese buffet. Mmmmmm, Chinese... YUM!!! ;D

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

*Warning, the following is just me feeling completely sorry for myself and choosing this outlet as a way to express it. Sometimes a girl just needs to wallow in her own self pity for a while, y'know. So please don't mind me, for this too shall pass.

I'm not coping with anything very well right now. I feel so lost and hopeless. I'm teary-eyed and unmotivated, and quite frankly just want to belly up to the kitchen bar and stuff away any conscious thought under mounds of carb/sugar/fat laden foods. I just want to hide and pretend I have another life. I'm sad, and I'm tired, and I'm having a bad day. I wish I were stronger. I wish I felt like there was at least a chance of finding freedom and happiness. And I know that it's possible, I just don't feel like I can do it. I wish someone could just take my hand and do it all for me, which is completely typical of me, always looking for the easy way out. But that's how I feel. You know what's funny? I keep thinking, with how depressed I'm feeling, it seems only natural to have at least some suicidal thoughts right? But I don't feel that way at all, not even a little. It has absolutely nothing to do with not wanting to live, and has everything to do with wanting to feel alive! I know that I could have such a full and wonderful life if I choose to, so that thought alone, that little glimmer of hope, keeps me going and makes me want to live to the absolute fullest. I know that I'm meant for better things than this miserable marriage, I just don't know how to get here from there. Well, I guess I know, I'm just too fucking scared to try. So yes, I know it can be done, I just don't believe that I can do it.

I guess I need to try to try to work. I really need to stay out of the fucking kitchen. And most of all, I need to learn how to believe in myself if I'm ever gonna have a chance at that glimmer of hope. But for now, I'm just gonna work on making it through today. I think I can, I think I can! Said the little engine who could. ;D

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Okay, time to fess up, I actually do get it. (yes, another long winded "Bub" post) I honestly know that I can't keep living like this forever. Did'ja think I really didn't see that? But denial is a fabulous thing, it allows for all sorts of niceties and excuses, and perpetuates a comfort zone that I still seem unwilling to give up. I know that Em and I deserve better, and I know that change is necessary to achieve this. But that's where my true problem comes into play. I just can't seem to take that leap. Right now, I know what I can expect, however miserable and pathetic it may be, at least I know, y'know? It's a comfort zone, and one that will undoubtedly continue for as long as I'm willing to let it.

I made one real effort to leave before, did you ever know that? I really planned for it, even told others of my intentions. Of course, never really exposing the full spectrum of what I now realize is narcissistic, verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse on his part. Instead I only alluded to the outward, tangible problems like money and an unsatisfying relationship. I honestly fully expected that this would be it, that I would finally be free. I had "the talk" with him, completely turned our lives upsidedown, and he even came close to accepting it for a few hours. But I think that was only because he wasn't expecting it, and it threw him for a loop. Once he regained his faculties, he went straight back into Bubba mode, with a passion. He reeled me back in, he guilted and manipulated, and used Em as a pawn. My unwillingness to put her through such a horrendous custody battle as he most certainly would have launched, (and still will, if I ever try again) along his empty promises of acknowledgment and change, are what ultimately wore me down. Oh yes, things will be different,he promised, I'll do aaaaaaanything. Get a real job, go to counseling, be a better husband, father, man, blah blah blah. I'm sure he meant it. In his eyes, he's kept up his end of the bargain. It's not his fault that certain conditions were re-negotiated along the way, even if they were re-negotiated through even more guilt and manipulation. I.E. getting a real job (stability) and counseling, "you know how impractical getting a real job is for me, and besides, this time will be different, I know how to make my own business work", and "all they want to do in counseling is talk about my childhood and has absolutely nothing to do with our problems", again blah blah blah. But I succumbed, as always, 'cause that's what I do. Then, somewhere along the way, it occurred to him that it was not he who had the problem, twas I. I am the one with the innate inability to communicate like a normal human being, tis I who needs to change in order for this union to thrive. And until I do, he is done trying. See, he did what he said he would, now it's my turn, as I have not kept up my end of the bargain. Hmmmm, funny how I don't remember that ever being a stipulation when I first caved in and agreed to stay, but that's not how he would see it. So, because of this, he has told me in no uncertain terms, that he intends to point out each and every time my lacking communication skills fail me, because he's tired of being patient and trying to work through my problems. The ball has been in my court for some time now, I can either change who I am, or suffer the consequences, because I promised I would try to work on our relationship and not just give up again like I always do according to him. To him, I have not yet truly tried, so leaving simply isn't an option. But don't worry, he's always there, watchful and increasingly impatiently waiting for my miraculous transformation into the wife, mother, woman he expects me to be. And each time I fail, his reaction is more severe and incredulous than the last. It's the same damn thing over and over, he says. Why don't you get it? I know you have the ability to change your behavior (this is usually where he throws my weight loss in my face as proof that I can change if I really wanted to, which, of course shows that I just don't care enough to change for him). I know you're not ignorant so why can't you just stop and learn to think, say, and do differently? As if my personality were a computer to be programmed. I guess the problem is that I really don't care. Because I know I could change too, if I really wanted to. But I don't want to, I like me, and think I'm fine just the way I am. So yeah, I don't care because I don't love him and I don't care to try to make him happy anymore. The problem is, my unwillingness to give into what he demands and make the necessary changes he requires, along with my unwillingness to step out of my comfort zone and go down that unknown path, simply cannot co-exist with any semblance of harmony. Together, the two ends of the spectrum only work to perpetuate the viscous cycle. So I'm stuck, too scared to move forward, and unwilling to go back. Now what? Well, for now, more of the same. I know, not what you wanted to hear, but it is what it is. But... I have taken one small step that may eventually propel me into action. I used some of my own Christmas money, (yes, I still have it, you know how miserly I am!) to purchase a recording device. I feel like if I am ever to make a real case for myself showing why we desperately need to get away from him, then I need to have proof of what we are truly living with, because, like I've said, there just aren't any words or it. It may not seem moral or fair, but I honestly don't see any other way considering his profound ability to convince, twist, and manipulate. It's something at least, a glimmer of hope perhaps? I dunno, we'll see. But for now, we just keep on truckin'. Most days, getting out is all I can think about. Some days, the depression starts to suck me in, but so far, I have not completely let it. Those are the days that seem most hopeless, and I just try to resign myself to this miserable life. Some days, I feel a little stronger than others and think that maybe, just maybe, I can find a way. Those days, my mind constantly jumps from the need to plan a sly escape with all my ducks in a row, to just losing it and finally vomiting all of my pent up rage onto him, to calmly stating that's it, I'm through, and any further discussion must be held in the presence of an attorney (yeah, that one would go over reaaaaaal well!). But, for the most part, I just keep truckin' on. Still planning for our future with him and allowing him to implement plans that would require both of our involvement, because that's the only way I can keep up the show of our regular family dynamic and not raise his suspicions. Again, probably not moral or fair on my part, and should only prove to make matters even worse if I ever do find a way out, but it's what I feel I must do in order to keep him "happy" for now. I feel terribly guilty about this, but I try to resolve it in my mind as a necessary survival tactic. And that will just have to be good enough for now. So, that's it. Perhaps some positive forward motion? Not really, but better than my usual blind acceptance, don'tcha think? Ug, what a sucky ass post. :(

Friday, January 20, 2006

I went on strike this morning. Yes, I know, Mom on strike, how cliche. But a girl can only take so much, y'know? Between Bub getting annoyed at me for trying to wake him up for work, and Em giving me her usual lippy backtalk in the sassiest of tones because she's 8, and I'm so obviously ignorant and all. I realize that her world actually does revolve completely around her, like any 8 year old's, but by god! Show me a little appreciation and respect, will ya? Anyway, I said screw this, and I went back to bed!! Well, not really, but the dramatic effect was fabulous! I could have cared less if we got anybody, anywhere on time, I was done! Okay, to tell the truth, it was freakin' killing me because we all know how I am about scheduling, but I didn't let it show, and that's what really mattered. So anyway, there's Bub, still hauled up under the covers 'cause the poor baby, once again, had such a horrible time sleeping, whaaaa. And Em, climbing on counters to find all the fixins to construct her own goddamn lunch, and me, sittin back and taking it all in with lifting nary a finger of assistance or uttering a word of guidance. Ahhhhh, giving up control. Sucked monkey butt, I hate hate hated it! But... Em got herself and her lunch ready in time for us to make it to school before the bell. Small wonders never cease. The whole way there was, okay mom, can we switch back now? I can't believe you just sat there staring at me while I did everything... like I always do. Hmmm, what was that? A lesson learned? Oh come now, the hell you say! Bub, of course, was a lost cause, but that was to be expected. He is, after all, completely worthless when it comes to anything other than his precious computers. He finally drug his sorry ass outta bed after I got back from taking Em to school, full of moans and bitches about his poor, pathetic sleep habits, and just how hard he has it. Like I said, whaaaaa. And strolled into work a good 45 min. late. Which, of course, completely threw my whole morning schedule off, and like I said, we all know how well that goes over. But I improvised and muddled through as always, so all is well with my world, once again.

Now, tell me, did'ja try the yogurt concoction? Am I a genius, or what??? ;D

Thursday, January 19, 2006

My frozen yogurt concoction.

For Jen, my infamous, guiltless, frozen yogurt, so good you'd swear it was ice cream, concoction, ta daaaaa! But first, a small disclaimer... The following information may seem a tad odd, and please don't ask me what ever prompted me to to try this in the first place because that would take a rational explanation of the intricate inner workings of an obviously irrational brain, and that would be, well... irrational!!

First, this is real yogurt, so you'll have to buy some. Personally, I always choose Blue Bunny Lite 85 (check out the nutritional info, not too shabby!) in the Black Cherry flavor, which doesn't seem to be shown in this link, but has always been readily available at my Walmart, but I'm sure any flavor would suffice. I also really like cherry vanilla, YUM, but black cherry is, by far, my all time favorite. Now, you're gonna have to freeze this stuff, but you can't just stick it in the freezer or it'll turn all icy and very un-ice cream like. So what you'll have to do is freeze the yogurt (in it's original container) with something kinda heavy resting on top of it. Here comes the odd part... I use a regular 'ol tub of cake icing (not whipped- too light), yes, that's right, frosting. I know, like I said, don't ask. You may wanna pick a flavor that you're not going to be tempted to get into since I know what a challenge something like this can be. Believe me, I've been through my fair share of icing tubs in the past, it may not be pretty, but it's true! And you know you all have done it too, so don't even try to act incredulous!! Anyway, get yourself a tub of non-tempting icing (as if there were such a thing!) and set it on top of your yogurt container in the freezer for approximately 3-4 hours. I believe that the icing is needed because it helps to slow down the freezing process, to allow for a smoother, more even freeze. Now, you're gonna want to try to catch it before it freezes completely or it will be too difficult to eat with a spoon, but if that happens then just set it in the fridge for a bit to allow for some thawing. I actually freeze extras so I can just thaw one out if I didn't get a chance to make a fresh one that day, but they are better if you catch them before they become solidly frozen. Anyway, the consistency should be like that of any true ice cream, smooth, dense, and creamy, and ohhhhhh so good! I swear, this stuff is to die for, and honestly, I eat it every single day. Except for when I'm hurling my guts up, of course, but you KWIM! Sure, it's no Jamocha Almond Fudge or Cookies and Cream (slurp, drool!) but, by golly, it does wonders for satisfying this (former) fat girl's ice cream cravings! Okay, so off you go, you all have yogurt and icing to buy, and freezing to do. Don't worry 'bout me, I'll wait here till you get back! And if anyone does decide to give it a whirl, as long as you can make it past the temptation to forego the yogurt and dive straight in to the icing, of course, please let me know 1. if it worked, meaning the consistency came out right, because sometimes it doesn't for whatever reason, and 2. what you thought of it, meaning you either loved as much as I do, or you think I must just be out of my damn mind because it's really nothing at all like freakin' ice cream! In which case, all I can say is I'm sorry, and you have my permission to blame eating the icing out of dissatisfying craving frustration after all, solely on me! ;D So, good luck, and happy freezing!!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Disturbing change in tastes.

My god, is it possible that I could have really lost my taste for some of my most beloved favorites so easily? Ever since that nasty little stomach virus, some things haven't been tasting quite the same, and I'm just about sick and damn tired of it! First, and perhaps most shocking is that coffee has lost it's appeal for me! Nooooooo! And my beloved frozen yogurt concoction? Just doesn't taste quite right anymore. Which is particularly difficult for me considering how much I truly adore this fantastically guiltless treat. In addition, one of my favorite snacks, a frozen fruit/yogurt/Kashi delicacy seemed a tad too sweet this morning, and was almost more than I could handle. WTF is going on??? Please, someone tell me this is normal, and more importantly, that my tastes for these foods will return shortly!! I haven't even tried my favorite salad yet, but it is on the menu for lunch today, and quit frankly, I'm worried and unsure of what to expect. I live by these foods, I adore them and eat them practically every day because I adore them so. So what the hell am I supposed to do if I suddenly no longer have a want or desire to eat all of my healthy favs? I am grateful for one thing that has remained constant though; my absolute favorite, my every morning without fail breakfast cereal staple, my Kashi Go Lean Crunch, tasted as to be expected this morning. Otherwise I just may have lost my freakin' marbles! But as for everything else? I'm at a loss. All along, one of my major points about my certainty in being able to continue this as a complete lifestyle change, has been the fact that I truly enjoy all of the foods I eat, otherwise, I don't eat them, period. So, now that I'm not enjoying all of my favorite foods? Well, yeah, I'm freaking out a bit, to say the least! I know, I know, of course it will get back to normal (I hope!) but as we all know, I don't deal well with the unexpected, and this one has completely thrown me for a loop. I need that continuity, I need to be able to rely on my old standbys. And for now, at least, my standbys are failing me, and I'm not sure what to do.

Wowsa, how did I ever get this high-strung? I can't believe I'm freaking out about this, but I am. So, somebody please, tell me my tastebuds will return to normal shortly. Even if you have to lie to me, I don't care, just tell me anyway! And help to make this pathetically high-strung, food addicted, former fat girl's perception of reality just a little more bearable, at least for the time being. That's not too much to ask, now is it?

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Oh my god, I'm alive! Hey, it was touch and go there for a while, I swear! I woke up at approximately 2:30 Sunday night/Monday morning extremely nauseated, and didn't stop hurling my guts up until some 24 hours later. Man, that sucked! I haven't been sick like that in about 3 years, not since shortly after I started losing weight. Which was awesome back then (after I was feeling better, of course) because I lost like 7 freakin' pounds in just a few days, but now...? Yeah, not so good. I'm at an all time low this morning, but I'm fairly confident that those pounds will find their way back on their own. Especially after, what is it now... five pieces of peanut butter toast already today? Ohhhh, but it tastes so damn good! That, plus a little oatmeal this a. m. and some chicken broth and crackers this p.m. and several mugs of hot, steaming tea, and I think I may just get back to normal yet, but that still remains to be seen. ;D

So, I drug my butt outta bed Monday morning, fully intending to send Bub off to work, but after getting Em up and realizing that I couldn't actually do anything (like make her breaky or wake Bub up) it became painfully obvious that I was gonna require some assistance to get through this day. Especially considering the fact that there was no school due to Martin Luther King day, and there was no way I was gonna be able to tend to Em's needs in my current state. So, Em proceeded to wake Bub up and tell him that mommy was sick, then she stuck her own frozen waffles in, and made herself some breakfast. Thank goodness she's entered an age of self-reliance! Then out comes Bub saying go back to bed, I got this. Okay, no need to twist my arm! So, off to bed I went, for the rest of the day, only to be interrupted by several bouts of horrendous dry-heaving. TMI?? Yeah well, it's my blog, so too damn bad! ;D Sorry, can you tell I'm feeling a bit better now? Tee hee! Anyway, I was finally able to haul my sorry ass outta bed at about 6:30 p.m. only to discover that Em had been puking all afternoon as well! What!!! Why didn't you tell me? (as if I could have done anything about it, but it's the principle of the thing, I'm still the momma by golly!) So yeah, she's got it too, my poor baby! Anyway, Bub gets her all settled into bed for the night at about 8:30, which is exactly where I headed back to shortly thereafter, only to hear the pathetic bemoanings of my poor, miserable girl just a few short hours later. Daddy, Daaaaady! Where is daddy, preytel? Hauled up in another room with a movie blaring, where he couldn't possibly have heard his sick little girl calling even though I was so obviously still too sick to be handling any of this, but hey, what else is new? So I stumble in there to lend a little moral support while she's yacking her guts up once again, only to repeat the same scenario again at about 1:30 a.m.

I will give the man some credit though, he did at least manage to wash (and dry) a load of laundry. Which is saying quite a bit considering the usual extent of his contributions to the daily household chores. Of course that's not to mention the fact that I awoke this morning to a sink piled full of dirty dishes, the cat neither having been fed, nor her litter box been scooped, and the trash can so full that it had started to invade the surrounding areas, but once again, what else is new? Hey, at least there was one less load of laundry to do, right? And what does the all knowing, all powerful, uber hubby/daddy do this morning after his day of exhausting greatness? Well, he proceeds to sleep his sorry ass in till almost noon because he had "such a hard time sleeping last night." Are you freakin' kidding me?! Uber daddy duties ended promptly at 8:30 when you put Em to bed, so why exactly did you have such a horrible night? Certainly not because you had to get up with our sick daughter during all hours of the night, no that was handled by moi, as usual, even in my less than optimal state. No, what you did was nap too long yesterday while Em was napping and then couldn't sleep last night because of it. So when your wife being sick gave you the perfect opportunity to milk it for all it was worth, well of course you were gonna take it, even if it meant losing even more pay this week. But hey, sleep-paycheck, sleep-paycheck, hmmm, yeah I know, what's a lazy boy like you to do? Yet again, what else is freakin' new? But at least he did go into work some today, just long enough to put him in an appropriately foul mood so that he could, without guilty conscience, ream me all the way home for what I perceived to be the slightest of infractions (my suggesting a dinner option in front of Em without first consulting him, even though the suggestion was based on what I thought both of our still uneasy tummies could handle). Woo hoo! Now, if that ain't the way to round out a perfect day, then I don't know what is! Hmmm, sound cynical much? Yeah well, it's either illness induced loss of patience or the fallout of a disturbingly crappy marriage, you pick. But either way, everything is looking as though it should be back on track for tomorrow, so I'm off to perform all thy regular mommy like duties, and then? Well, I'm heading back to freakin' bed, that's what!

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Good grief, I got nothing today. Bub's out of the house doing some "on the side" work for a friend, (woohoo!!) Em's got friends over playing, and I'm desperately trying to put off starting the laundry and cleaning the house, so here I am, but I can't for the life of me think of anything worthwhile to write about. I need to finish the deeply introspective post that I started right before Christmas, which delves more extensively into why I think I am "the way I am", (oh, you know what I'm talking about, and if you don't, then you'll see) but I'm not in the mood for that one yet, so I'll just say that it's coming soon, to a blog near you! ;D Betcha just can't hardly wait, huh? (rolls eyes) I know, I know, but that's me. I couldn't just leave well enough alone, now could I? But I promise it's not self-deprecating, just frank and to the point. So I think it'll be worth the wait, and as long as you're willing to wade through all the psycho babble, you should find it quite an interesting insight into the makings of me. Yeah, now you're really excited, aren't cha? (smirk) ;D

I had an awesome dream last night that I finally wrote (or finished writing, I should say) the book about my weight loss journey, and Oprah named it her book of the month and had me on her show! Of course, it sold like a bazillion copies, as does any of Oprah's pics, which, in turn, made me fabulously rich enough to ditch the jerk, build my dream house, and finally get all this damn excess skin removed! Ahhhhh, what a dream... Those are the ones you just hate to wake up from, y'know? I think the dream was due in part to watching a re-run of the Larry King Live interview of James Frey (author of A Million Little Pieces) while on the Gazelle last night. I couldn't help but think of how freakin' lucky and appreciative that guy must be feeling after Oprah decided to call in to support him and his book and to back up his claims. 'Cause honestly, had she not done so, I think this little controversy may just have been the end of his literary career, regardless of it's validity. Personally, I think the guy probably took some liberties that he might ought not to have taken, but (to me) that doesn't take away from the underlying message of the book, or the insight and inspiration I gained from his obviously personal and painful story. So, IMO, if people wanna raise a big 'ol stink about this, then let 'em, who cares? Just as long as you don't let that stop you from reading this truly amazing and enormously inspiring book. But that's just my 2 cents... ;D

Alright, alright, laundry calls. I guess I can't keep putting it off forever, sigh... ;D

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Here's a good one!

I got carded trying to buy cold medicine yesterday, heh. I didn't think the chick was serious at first when she asked me to see my id, but I happily turned it over and proceeded to get a big 'ol chuckle out of it. Unbelievable! Of course, I got carded at the casino over the summer as well, so maybe I'm projecting some sort of immaturity that I don't realize 'cause I certainly don't look under 18! It was too funny nevertheless, so I just had to share. And you know what's really ironic? During all my years of underage drinking and smoking, I never once got carded. The real kicker is that I actually gave up both drinking and smoking before I ever came of legal age to do either, so the opportunity to present proof upon being carded was never afforded me! Oh well, if I'm ever feeling old beyond my years I guess I'll just go stock up on cold medicine! ;D Gee, I wonder how long I'll be able to get away with that one?

So, about the cold medicine, yeah, I got the crud that Bub has been such a freakin' baby about for the past two weeks. As I expected, it's really not that big of a deal. Yeah, I'm sick, aaaaand? Sometimes you just gotta suck it up and take care of business, ya know? Shit happens. Anyway, the only thing really throwing me for a loop is the fact that when I get the least little bit sick, I always lose my stupid voice. Which doesn't bode well with the idea of talking on the phone being a major part of how I make a living! Ugh, I honestly don't have time for this. The only way it could possibly have been worse timing would be if I had lost it last week as opposed to this one, which was at least ten times crazier and more hectic. But oh well, like I said, shit happens. My voice will come back, I will get caught up, and I will find a way to sooth the crazy church ladies back into submissio. Besides, it's not totally gone yet, but I figure by tomorrow it'll be nothing more that a mere squeak. At least it's close to the weekend, right? Hopefully all will be well by Monday, but we'll see.

Anyway, I got the chance to help my stepmom out recently, which gave me a warm fuzzy, so I'll share it too. I'm sure I've described her before; absolute crazy woman with an obnoxiously loud voice and presence, and a personality frighteningly similar to Bub's, but let's not go there. But that doesn't mean the poor wench doesn't deserve a break and a little compassion every now and then, right? So, here's the story. Her son is in the military (actually both are, but I'm just talking about her youngest, Bryan) and he got the opportunity to record one of those holiday greetings messages that they were airing on the various stations all throughout the holidays, which would normally be great, how exciting right? Especially considering that she hadn't seen him in over two years. But here's the prob., They're supposed to air the messages on stations according to the family's location, but the station they choose to air his message on was out of my stepmom's viewing area. They got some real geniuses running things over there, huh? And she doesn't know anyone in that viewing area who could tape it, so she never got to see it! She did try to contact the station and basically got the run-around, so she thought she was shit out of luck and just gave up! What? The hell you say! So anyway, she just happened to mention all of this in passing when Em and I were over there for the great gingerbread house extravaganza, and quite frankly, it bothered the hell out of me! It just wasn't right that she had to miss seeing the son she hasn't seen in two freakin' years just because the people in charge apparently don't know their asses from a hole in the ground and would rather put her off than admit to screwing up and making it right! Ya think I was a bit annoyed?? Anyway, I couldn't stop thinking about it after we returned home, so I decided to do something about, by golly!! I was a woman on a mission! ;D So I made my stepmom give me all the info she could like the station name, etc. and then I tracked down a contact number and started in on my spchiel (BTW, how the hell do you spell spchiel, cause spell checker doesn't know either?) about the heartbroken mother hasn't seen her courageous military son in over two years and had to miss his only message home because it got aired in the wrong viewing area, yadda yadda yadda. So then, of course, after a little convincing on my part, I get the old "that'll be a $25 charge for a copy of the tape" BS, which I'm certainly not about to pay for cause it's no skin off their noses just to make a copy of the damn thing. So, in my sweetest (primarily reserved for dealing with crazy church ladies) voice, I ask if there's anything we can do to get around that???? Humph, says the voice on the other end of the line, let me see what I can do and get back to you. Yeah, I'm totally getting the tape for free, no question! So, she calls me back later, all apologetic for the screw up, saying she would personally put the tape in the mail tomorrow and even added some extra footage that was never originally aired... free of charge. YESSSSS! Score one for the woman on a mission with the crazy church lady voice! Anyway, I gave her my stepmom's address so it would go directly to her, then I shoot my stepmom an email saying guess what, the tape will be in the mail tomorrow! Of course, she totally flipped because she really didn't think she'd ever see it and had given up trying. So, all in all, I got to make someone else happy, which, of course makes me happy and I scored some brownie points with a generally difficult and hard to deal with woman, yay me! So that's it, I just wanted to brag a bit cause I like happy endings and it just so happens that I come off good in this one, so why not?! ;D TTFN!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I've been doing a lot of research over the past few days about my "situation", (thank you to Serafyn for pointing me in the right direction for help) and I've realized, unfortunately, just how not alone I really am in this. Sure, no two stories may be alike, but bottom line is, there are a whole lotta egotistical assholes out there making their partner's and family's lives a complete and utter living hell. It makes me sad and breaks my heart, yet I am comforted to know that others may actually understand what I'm truly living with, to some degree anyway. I also find that I'm questioning myself though, unsure if my perception of him is really completely valid. After reading through so much information on the traits and signs of a person who may be verbally, emotionally, or psychologically abusive, I catch myself saying well, he doesn't do this, or he doesn't do that. He doesn't fit all of the criteria for any one personality type, and frankly, I don't think he ever will. He is an enigma, unique and indescribable, and in a category all of his own. And here I am again, buying into and promoting his grandiose state of being, as if he were something to be admired due to his uniquely assholish qualities. Maybe I am in awe of him and his ability to be so powerful and self-confident. He gets things done, no two ways about it. He knows what he wants and he goes for it until he gets it. He is sure of himself and he knows exactly who he is, and is rather pleased with what he sees, I might add. He doesn't believe there is anything wrong with his way of thinking, and could never be convinced of such. He honestly believes that he is taking our best interests to heart, that he is teaching us to be better (meaning more like him). So I can't fault him for that, for him being him. He honestly has good intentions, however wayward they may seem to myself and to others. And I've learned to accept him for who his is and I've stopped trying to change him because, really, there is no point to it. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that people don't change for other people, they only change for themselves. If he honestly believed there was something wrong with what he's doing, he would change it in a heartbeat, no questions asked. But he doesn't believe that, hell, he won't even entertain the idea, and he never will. So, with that being said, now what? I know I can't go on like this forever, like I've been trying to convince myself I could for far too long. But I also know that in order to change it I would have to face and overcome some pretty daunting and overwhelming fears and obstacles that I just don't think I'm ready for right now. So, for now, I continue to wait, and hope that something comes along to propel me into action. And in the meantime, I try to make it through each day as best I can so that I can continue to avoid taking responsibility for my own messed up life. You know, maybe one day he'll teach me to be like him enough to actually put an end to all this once and for all. Now wouldn't that be ironic?

*Edited to note another quick and somewhat disturbing thought. What if I'm really using all of this as some sort of sick excuse to redefine myself as "the victim" now that I can no longer be defined by my fatness? Now that's really twisted, hmmmm...

Saturday, January 07, 2006

My week

Oh man, what a week! Work was absolutely crazy, which was completely expected, but to make matters worse we had phone "issues" on Tuesday. All of these people were calling either to get registered or to get help and they were getting a message that their call was being blocked due to their area code. Huh? So, of course, people were freaking out and either calling my boss's direct line (which only goes to voicemail and states to call the toll free number (my line) for help, so I don't know why he even bothers to list it) or e-mailing either tech support or me directly with frantic messages about how they paid their tech support fees so how dare we block their calls, or freaking out 'cause they waited all year to catch up their information and now that it's time to print reports everything is screwed up and they don't know what to do, and they need help NOW!!! OMFG! So I try to call SBC and navigate through their mind-numbing automated system without ripping the fucking phone out of the wall and throwing it directly into the goddamn computer, which is no small feet to avoid, lemme tell ya! But with phone and computer intact, I made my way through the system only to have them tell me that due to heavy call volume, they would be unable to take my call and to call again later, goodbye. You've got to be freakin'' kidding me! That was it, I took a much needed break! Anyway, come to find out it was a problem with the toll free service provider, not my line, and everything worked out in the end. Of course then, I was completely backed up and overwhelmed, plus it was Em's last day of Christmas vacation and she was grounded from "fun stuff" due to pre-pubescent attitude problems, so she was bored and miserable and frankly quite whinny and demanding, so all in all, it was a completely disastrous day. The rest of the week has been somewhat better (school is now back in session, whoo hoo!) but it's still crazy busy and sucking major butt. I'm just trying to remind myself that this one period of total chaos is worth all of the freedom this cushy job typically affords me. Sooooo, I think I can, I think I can...

Well, every day is just more and more drama concerning Bub and his job now. My idea of stability most certainly does not include him coming to me every other day saying we need to start implementing other plans to generate income because he doesn't think the company will survive because Jim (his boss/owner) is completely incompetent. Even though Jim has owned and operated this thriving company for over 12 years now, and has always gotten along just fine in the past. But it doesn't really surprise me, Bub thinks anyone who doesn't think and do things the way he does is incompetent. He's already planning for going back to working for himself, so everything has had to be this huge discussion about our future and how he should handle things and so on. I don't get why he does this, he wants to know what I think about everything because he knows that I don't feel like I have a real say in anything, but whenever I tell him my opinions I just get lectured on how and why they're wrong and useless. He really just wants to go over and over every freakin' thought or idea that pops into his head and have me completely agree and reassure him that he is, of course, all knowing and always right. If I answer incorrectly then I'm not listening as always, and I need to fix my communication skills so he can carry on a real conversation with me. "Real" meaning that I automatically come to all the same conclusions about things as he does, but on my own. Because if I can do that, then it means that I've actually been listening to him, so of course, how could I not come to the same conclusions, because his way is the right way. The problem is that I just don't think the way he does and I never will, (thank goodness!) but that makes for frequent and inevitable lectures. God, I hate talking about this shit here because I know anyone who reads this must be screaming to get the hell out, because that's exactly what I would be screaming too. And it really does me no good other than having an outlet to vent, but I know I'm not going to do anything about it, so really, it's just fucking pathetic! What do I do? I just try to let it go as much as possible and strive to make the best of what I have, but the resentment is building, and I'm just so tired of it all. So fucking tired.

Wow, I didn't intend for my first post back after this crazy week to be so depressing, but that's what I'm dealing with, so there it is.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Aaack! The busy season at work has officially begun. Complete with phone problems and high drama no less, whoo hoo!! I promise to update and catch up on all my favorite reads (you know who you are!) ASAP, but for now I am just too slammed to think straight. I may try to sneak back on the puter during the evening sometime if I can get the rest of the gang involved in something else for a bit, but we'll see. Just a quick update, the scale is back down 2 lbs. now. WAIT!! Don't yell, I wasn't trying, I swear! (oooo, please don't hate me for losing without trying, I have no control over this idiot body of mine!) I think it may have been up in the first place due to a high sodium count (that damn chicken noodle soup!) rather than any real effort on my part. And here I thought I was doing so good too! >:( So my quest to fill out a bit continues, sigh... wish me luck. Even if it goes against everything you believe in to wish more fat upon some poor soul, it's for a good cause, I promise.

Okay, I'm off! Is it obvious that I'm trying to psych myself up for the perkiness patience and politeness that I must somehow exude towards these people? Lord help me!