What makes one fall in love? For me it’s the connection; mind, body, and soul. Knowing someone intimately and not in the physical sense (I wouldn’t remember, lmao). The excitement and addiction? Well in that case I’m in love with chocolate brownies… mmmm brownies… Sorry to the dieters among us, that was just wrong! I fell in love with Bub, as much as a 16 year old girl can. I fell in love with the attention and the excitement. Feeling special and protected. My love for him died with each negative comment, each marathon lecture, each feeling of worthlessness and incompetence his disdain for me evoked. Perhaps I even forgot how to love for a time, and I certainly found the concept of adult love unnecessary. And why wouldn’t I? His kind of love hurt. Who needs that? But now I know it doesn’t have to be that way. Now I understand that I too am worthy of love just the way I am. I am not broken beyond repair; I am me, a work in progress. And I too am capable of love in many forms. But what creates sustaining love? You know the kind I mean. The little old man brushing his bed-ridden wife’s hair because he knows instinctively that she couldn’t bear to appear disheveled if visitors came calling, whether she realizes their presence or not. Holding hands in the park, even after 30 odd years. But how do you not grow weary of the day to day hum-drum of life in general that allows your eye to wander and your thoughts to turn to turn to “what ifs”? What if the grass really is greener? What if I followed my heart through every twist and turn? What if I’ve made a mistake? No, there are no mistakes. Every question that arises is just part of the journey. Sustaining love takes work, hard work, and an open mind. And I, for one, am finally up to the challenge. Go figure.

I am not dispensable. I am worth the challenge and sacrifice. I deserve to be loved unconditionally. And I have those things to offer in return, because that’s how I work.

“The only thing that shatters dreams is compromise.” -Richard Bach (luvyahoney)

Okay, enough of this melodramatic bullshit, time to get my head outta my ass and get back to work.

Marwage, marwage is whut bwings us togefwa todaay. No, I’m not getting married; I just love The Princess Bride. Who doesn’t want the fairytale, happy ending? The perfect romance that rights all wrongs and exceeds all expectations. There are those who live the fairytale. Hell, if the hooker can end up with the millionaire business man come to rescue her in his white limo on the LA fire escape then why should the rest of us simple folk expect any less? Oh yeah, that’s the movies, wtf was I thinking? Some people really do live the fairytale romance though, I’m sure of it. I believe in it because I must. Though sometimes I question my own capacity for true love. I feel too guarded to let it all hang out, too agreeable for my own good. I choose safety and comfort over my true wants and needs far too often, though I am getting better. We’ve all seen what I’m willing to take for the sake of continuity, and it ain’t pretty. “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.” Blah blah blah.

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them- that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like." Lao-Tse

That saying, wrought from true love, brings me peace. Just as my inherent faith in all things meant to be. I walk along this path still unknowing, yet confident in the journey and final destination, whatever that may be. I walk because I must; it’s the only way. I walk because I believe. I may need a guide along the way, just as I may have the honor to guide others, but ultimately the path is the right one. In that, I believe.

I could panic more, I could worry about the “what ifs”, but then I figure, fuggetaboudit, who needs the stress? I’ll think about that tomorrow. ;)

Perhaps some would liken my faith to that of a higher power, much like those of religious faith find solace in their god(s). Hell, maybe I would too, though my faith lies in the universe or karma or whatever. Maybe I should make a list like Earl; he seems to have it all figured out. Or maybe I should just go mow the lawn instead of bitching about needing to. But wait! Can't I think about that tomorrow too?

Jealousy… what a mystifying emotion. A source of anxiety, promoter of tension, and destroyer of souls. It is in everything we do and every facet of our lives whether we realize it or subscribe to it or not. I’ve never been truly affected by the green eyed monster myself, either inwardly or outwardly. Sure, I’ve had the occasional twinge of “no fair!” or “I want that”, but in regards to personal relationships? Nada. This is not to say that I don’t understand jealousy, quite the opposite in fact. I get the underlying reasons for it and I realize that it affects more people than not. But the intensity of it? The physical and emotional toll it can take? I simply cannot relate. It’s been described to me as a hollow, empty feeling mixed with anger and hurt. An all encompassing roller coaster of fear, anxiety and irrationality. Sometimes merely a low simmer lying just below the surface, others a blinding sheath of emotional discord. So why don’t I get jealous? I dunno. Maybe it’s my laissez faire attitude towards life in general. I figure if my partner has his eye on someone else then it’s either a passing infatuation based in fantasy or it’s a relational problem indicating a lack of intimacy and contentment. In which case we would either need to fix the problems or go our separate ways. But to seethe with jealousy over another’s feelings? Nah, I’ll pass thank you. I’ve never really experienced someone being jealous over me either. Bub is, of course, far too self absorbed to think he had any reason worry about my attention being diverted elsewhere, and I, quite frankly, would have been ecstatic had his affections fallen upon another while we were together. So perhaps its not that I don’t feel jealousy, maybe I’ve just never had someone to feel jealous over? At any rate, it’s not my thing, and knowing me, likely never will be. Which is just fine by me cuz from what I’ve seen I don’t think its something I’d want to experience anyway.

So what is jealousy really? Well imo it has more to do with oneself than with others. Jealousy doesn’t stem from our partner being attracted to or falling in love with another, it comes from the realization that we are not their everything. Its not about them, it’s about us. We all baulk at the idea of not being the best, most important, most attractive, or most worthy of their time and affection. And even if we get it all, we want more. We want to be so adored that thoughts of another don’t even cross their minds. We want to be special and we want to be wanted above all else. It is natural to be attracted to and connect with other human beings. Just as it is natural to fear being replaced or abandoned, which is all the jealousy really is: fear. Fear. My, don’t we know that one well? People… relationships come and go, but true love whether romantic or spiritual, stands the test of time… and fear. True love conquers all right? And I love, god how I love, each in my own way and for different reasons. All with absolute purpose, else we would not have been brought together in the first place. I believe we have many soulmates throughout our lives as long as we are open to it. Each no less special, wanted or needed than any other. And each capturing a special place in our hearts lasting until the end of time. So no need for jealousy friends, as we each hold the capacity to love and be loved without boundaries. We are all special, wanted and needed.

Okay now, group hug! :D

My POS car decided it had lived long and prosperous enough so it went to a better place today. Crap! I got in to take Em to school this morning (cuz she’s too lazy to drag her carcass outta bed in time for the bus) and the darn thing just wouldn’t start. Bleh. I sat there diligently trying just one more time, but alas, it was not to be. So I moped back inside dejected and frustrated while Em rejoiced at her sudden windfall. And I just about said to hell with it, she can go to school tomorrow. But the silly boy in all his practicality said, “why don’t you ask your neighbor to borrow their car?” Oh yeah, now why didn’t I think of that? I’ve become quite friendly with the cute couple across the street as Em plays with their oldest son (Eli, 6) daily. So I asked and of course she was happy to lend me her car for the quick trip cuz they’re good people that way. They are also the ones I plan to ask to look after the kitties while we’re in CA this summer. This, in turn, gives me motivation to really get the house looking nice since they’ll be letting themselves in while we’re gone to water and feed the babies. Motivation is a good thing. I digress. I don’t know what is wrong with the stupid car other than being beyond its prime, but chances are it will be costly and take far too long to fix. Lovely

Nothing new with Bub since he rarely tells me anything anymore, which I can’t say as I mind except for the lack of incredulous blog material. He’s on food stamps and is waiting to get back on disability (for his legal blindness), so we can all take comfort in knowing that our tax dollars are well at work here. Which probably wouldn’t be quite so annoying if he had ever actually paid taxes to cover the government assistance he is now trying to milk.

Em has been on this kick about wanting to live with Bub instead of me so she is going to stay with him some this summer since she seems to have forgotten what its like to live with the man. I think she needs a good dose of reality to remind her how good she really has it here. He’s stable (as he can be) right now so I feel its time for this hard lesson to be learned. I give it 2-3 weeks tops. And I won’t even let her come home for the first two weeks since I think she needs a good long stretch of daily living with daddy to get the full affect. I understand the pull to go there. She sees him in small doses right now and he devotes all of his time and attention to her when she’s there. What kid doesn’t want their parents’ undivided attention? He’s also on his best behavior since he doesn’t have her long enough to evoke his true colors. Well I give that about three days before the same ol’ daddy emerges. Maybe then boring old mom won’t look half bad, along with our nice little house in a kid ridden neighborhood where there’s no tension and expectation of perfection, not to mention working indoor toilets. Sounds pretty good to me anyway.

My tickets are booked… holy crap! I had a momentary freak out the other night, like “what the hell am I doing?” Deep breaths… It’s just a nice vacation with a very dear friend to a beautiful place, no biggie… right? Except that very dear friend is a certain silly boy who I’m kinda sweet on, *blush. My mom asked me if I was staying in a hotel while there. I thought I would die. She said, “Don’t be silly, you’re a grown woman, I just wanted to know.” So why do I feel like a silly little school girl who just got caught being bad? Oy vey. I’m too old for this shit.

Have you ever tried to type with a cat lounging across one of your arms? Not so easy. But she’s cozy and I don’t have the heart to kick her off me. I don’t, however, say excuse me and leave the room if I happen to walk in on one of them using the litter box like I’ve heard some do, lmao. I figure its my house, they can just deal. Of course I’m a door open kinda girl anyway, but I digress.

I may have mentioned that Bub moved, can’t remember. But he did, and omg. I was truly appalled by what I saw. I literally had a near panic attack driving home from dropping Em at that junkyard, I mean place. I’m trying to get pics and when I do I’ll post them. You just have to see this to believe it. She thinks its great, but what kid wouldn’t love roaming willy nilly through a junkyard? The new place is bigger at least. (Trying to find the positives here.) Of course the toilet doesn’t actually work, but hey, they can use the one next door. Are you fucking kidding me? I think my head might just explode.

Em and her bff decided it would be fun to paint the driveway today… with regular house paint. Wish I was joking. Hey, at least they didn’t paint the car. The kid didn’t realize that it wouldn’t just wash off, I get it. But dayum! She was very apologetic once she realized the significance of what she had done, and I figured its too late now, so no point in strangling her. Besides, it could have been worse, there was a deep red color and an atrocious blue/green to pick from as well, so all things considered, the beige wasn’t soooo bad. *smacks forehead, mommy needs a nap.

I’m baaaack!

Okay, so it’s been forever. Of course much has happened; this is my dysfunctional life we’re talking about here. Bub is representing himself in the divorce *snicker. This should be interesting. My lawyer is particularly looking forward to facing him in court. You know the saying, “he who represents himself has a fool for a client”. I told the silly boy that I ought to videotape the proceedings. It would make a killing on youtube. Provided Bub gets his ass in gear, the hearing should be set for early June, at which time I expect the judge to get a rather large chuckle out of Bub’s antics. Oh, get this; he’s trying to stipulate that I not be allowed to take Em out of our county, not country, but county, for more than two weeks without his express permission. HA! Good luck with that one buddy. He also claims that we’ve been sharing Em’s expenses 50/50 for the last two years, so child support is unnecessary. I swear to god he said sharing! As if he even has a clue what kind of expenses a 10-year-old child incurs. Its not like it matters much anyway, the loser can’t keep a job, so I’ve never counted on any financial support from him. Hell, I couldn’t even count on financial support from him while we were together, why would I start now?!

He has also moved again, this time to a bigger trailer out in BFE. A friend is letting him and new chick stay there rent free so of course he couldn’t pass up the opportunity. He has also finally cleared his shit out of my garage, woohoo!! It was about damn time. And I had to cut off his cell phone due to nonpayment. Oh well, too bad so sad right Aunt Sandy? At least he hasn’t tried to kill himself again since the last time; I guess his crazy drugs are doing the trick. It’s a shame too, I rather liked the lady at the police station, and I was expecting to chat with her again soon while picking up his next police report. No matter, I’m sure I’ll get another opportunity at some point.

School is out for the summer, (for me) which I’m grateful for as I needed the break. This semester has been particularly trying so I’m enjoying the reprieve. I’m still uncertain about returning in the fall, though I know I need to. I know I can do it, I just haven’t committed to signing back up yet. I’ll think about that tomorrow… or the next day maybe.

In other news; I’m off to beautiful Vancouver, Canada in June, to visit one silly boy *blush. Now THAT should be interesting. It’ll be a long weekend filled with touristy type activities and lots of outdoor time as the weather should be lovely, provided the near constant pissing rain holds off while I’m there. I’ve already put in my order for a rainless visit, but Mother Nature is a finicky bitch so we’ll see what she has in store for us. But I’m not made of sugar, and well, you know the rest. This will be my first time out of the country so I had to get a passport, which came in record time and without any hassle. I’ll be sure to bring my camera and post what I expect to be some really spectacular pics. Em is gonna stay with my brother and sil while I’m gone so I know she’ll be in good hands. And since the silly boy is reading my blog now I’ll likely forgo reporting all the really juicy details. But most of you know my email so hit me up and I’ll spill the beans. ;-) Scandalous!