Thursday, March 30, 2006

Hi all, I just wanted to drop a line to let anyone who might be wondering know that I'm still here. This week is Em's spring break and I'm just concentrating on spending my time with her, trying to keep up with work, and cleaning out the massive pit once identified as Em's bedroom, woohoo, fun!! ;D I promise I'll be back shortly, to update (so much to say, so little time!) and to catch up with everyone else. Until then, take care and know that I haven't forgotten about you.

Beverly

Monday, March 27, 2006

The therapy session on Friday went fairly well. I talked more than I cried, which I took to be a pretty positive sign. I guess the more I talk about this, the easier it gets. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that the people I’m talking to are used to dealing with this kind of stuff, and can at least understand what I’m trying to say even if I can’t seem to articulate it effectively. Mary (the therapist) agrees that this is extremely unhealthy and that it’s affecting Em terribly. She also expressed some major concern that Bub’s tirades may escalate to a more physical nature if I ever tried to stand my ground and assert some boundaries. She based this on his having physically held me in place in the past when I’ve wanted to leave the conversation before he was ready. I think she may be willing to jump to this conclusion more easily due to her extensive experience in dealing with physically abused women, but she did make some very valid points, ones that cannot simply be dismissed. I don’t think I need to worry about it too much though, because I would never let it escalate to that level. She also expressed some concern over my need to hold myself responsible for the mess I’m in. She kept trying to reiterate that it’s not necessary for me to hold myself prisoner due to the decisions and actions of a then 16-18 year old girl. I was young and I was stupid, and there’s no need to punish myself for my bad choices out of some sense of obligation or responsibility. Basically, it’s okay to make mistakes, and it’s okay to fix them, by whatever means necessary. I’m still struggling with this, as I’m sure I will for a long time to come, but I will find my way through it, eventually. We’ve set up another appointment for a week from Wednesday. Em’s on Spring Break this week, or it would have been sooner. This week though, I plan on doing some things around the house to get organized. First thing being to attack Em’s room, it’s time to purge her massive toy/clutter collection. With her help, we’re going to really go through everything and donate whatever she no longer wants/needs. Of course, I’m thinking this will make it so much easier to move her stuff when the time comes, but it was time to purge her toys regardless of my plans, her room is downright scary! We’ll also be taking care of things like taking Precious for her shots, and getting Em to the doctor about her headaches. Bub’s pinkeye has reoccurred, so he’s staying home again today. Em’s heart sank when I told her, I think she was looking forward to a nice, relaxing first day home on Spring Break. I told her that he’d probably sleep for a big part of the day, so that seemed help a little. I’m still struggling with not telling her of my plans. I think it would be a relief for her to know that it’s just a matter of time. I also think that she feels responsible, like I’m waiting around for her to say, okay, I’ve had enough, let’s go. I imagine she thinks the only reason I haven’t left him yet is because she said she doesn’t want me to. I don’t know how to make her understand that it’s not her responsibility or her decision to make without letting on about what I’m planning. If I tell her that it’s my decision alone, then she’ll know for sure, but by not telling her, I feel like she thinks it’s up to her, and that’s a responsibility that no child should ever bear.

He’s getting worse, I think. Or perhaps it just feels that way because my tolerance for his behavior has so greatly diminished, but Em feels it as well, so I don’t think it’s merely a perception. This weekend was definitely not fun, but so few of them are. We even spent the majority of Sunday out of town at my nephew’s birthday party without him, but he still managed to make the entire time leading up to our departure quite hellish and unbearable. So much so that Em got a horrible headache right before it was time to go, but the thought of us spending the day home with him rather than going to the party, was just too much for her, so she opted to go in spite of the pain. Then, on the way home, when we stopped for some drinks at a gas station, she asked if we could just sit there for a bit because she wasn’t ready to face going home yet. So even though her migraine was in full force, she opted to sit in the car at a gas station where she was more comfortable, rather than going home to Bub. She said she wished we didn’t have to go home at all; I don’t blame her. It's sad and it breaks my heart. You know what else? It royally pisses me off that I’ve allowed this to go on for so long. It’s just not right, and I'm so very ashamed of myself. How could I not have realized how much this would affect her? If only I’d had the balls to follow through when I tried to leave a few years ago, maybe she would have had a chance. But now the damage is done, and all I can do is try to repair the damage as best as I can. Why? Because I was/am scared? Bullshit! That’s no excuse! All I ever wanted was to not screw her up and for her to be happy, and I’ve failed miserably on both fronts. I know, I know, I'm being harsh, but I’m the one who didn’t stop it, I have to own that, and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. I realize that I was doing the best with what I had and what I knew, but the fact is, my best simply hasn’t been good enough. She deserves better than that. Okay, I know I need to stop for now, I realize that I’m just beating myself up, and I simply don’t have the time or the mental power to deal with that right now. Perhaps it’s something I’ll work through with Mary later on, but for now, I need to just let it be. I wanted to tell my SIL what was going on while we were visiting after the party was over, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. She's one of the few people I told last time, and I guess I just didn't want to be the girl who cried wolf again, y'know? Oh well, I guess I'll have to tell everyone sooner or later.

In other news, the scale is most definitely up. And not because I’ve been trying, rather because of that damn cereal box!! I swear I’m powerless against it. Okay, not really, but damn if it sure doesn’t feel that way! Ug, this sucks! I mean seriously, have I learned nothing throughout this journey? I absolutely know what I’m doing, while I’m doing it, yet there I go on autopilot, like the calories somehow magically don’t count if I’m not eating it as a meal and out of a bowl. I know this stuff; I know that mindless eating can ruin everything I’ve worked so hard for, so why do I continue to do it? Yes, I realize that I’ve been going through some emotional crap lately, but that’s really no excuse. Not for me, cause I know where excuses like that can lead. I’ve been there before; I’m not going back. So here’s the deal, if I can’t seem to gather enough self-control to keep my hand out of that godammed cereal box, then I will absolutely give up my beloved Kashi, that’s just all there is to it. I may not like it and I may not want to, but if that’s what I have to do, then so be it! “Never trade what you want at the moment for what you want the most.” It’s not just a quote or a motto; it’s what I live by. There is no messing around with this one, this is some serious shit. I will not allow complacency to become my downfall. I will not go back to that dark, lonely, debilitating place, period. I’m giving myself one more chance to lay off the stuff, but if I can’t do it, then that’s it, the Kashi is gone. Sigh...

Thursday, March 23, 2006

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

That Eleanor Roosevelt, she sure was a spunky, wise ol' broad, huh? Ya just gotta love her!

Fear; I'm sick and freakin' tired of it. Yes it's uncomfortable, yes it can make you nauseous, freeze you in place, and prevent you from living the life you're meant to live, if you allow it to. I read something the other day talking about women who put up with this kind of abusive, mind-numbing bullshit that said once you realize just what you're truly dealing with, you're no longer a victim of it, you're a volunteer. I gotta tell ya, that didn't sit too well with me. I've voluntarily put up with this shit for far too long. I've lived in denial, made excuses, reasoned that I could handle it, assumed responsibility for it, and have tried my best to lay in the bed that I, myself have made. I am the one who allowed it to go on, and I am the one who has to disallow it from ever happening again. It's time to cut my losses and move on. Perhaps, if I had any love left for this man, I would try to work on the relationship by working on myself. Setting and enforcing personal boundaries, expressing my thoughts and opinions, and not allowing myself to be over-ridden, demeaned and disrespected in the process. Perhaps, if I had any feelings for him at all, I would try to re-negotiate this relationship, but I don't, so I won't. Like such a thing would even be possible with man like this. But, I would have at least tried, if I still cared, even a little.

It looks as though the job scare has blown over, at least for now. But it did help me to realize a real sense of urgency here, so I figured I'd better shit or get off the pot. Thus, I've begun making some real, honest to goodness plans. I'm now tentatively shooting for April 21st. I'm getting those ducks in a row, and I'm feeling stronger every day. I've started drafting a letter for Bub, not explaining my actions, merely stating them as fact so he's not left totally in the dark. I've also been gathering details for him like when certain bills are due and how to contact the landlord, as he is totally clueless and has always left all these kinds of responsibilities up to me. And, of course, you know me, always doing what I can to make things as easy as possible for everyone else. But it's my nature, so I figure if I wanna do it, then why the hell not? The irony is that I've realized that I can do what ever the hell I want to now, no explanation necessary. Anyway, I'll probably post the letter once I've finished it, in order to get some feedback and suggestions on it. In the meantime, I'm taking care of details and looking in earnest for places to live, which to me, is the ultimate step, the point of no return. The day I actually put a deposit down on a place, is the day I'll know for sure that I'm going through with this, no matter what. I also plan to meet with the volunteer therapist at my local women's shelter on Friday. I took everyone's advice and contacted Carrie again, and she set it up for me. I'm gonna need someone to help me get my warped way of thinking straight, so who better than an expert, experienced in this kind of situation, right? I'm looking forward to it, and hoping that it will do me as much good as I think it will. I'm also encouraged by the resources that the wonderful women at the shelter have at their disposal. When I asked about referrals for getting counseling for Em, Carrie said they would be more than happy to help set her up with an equally experienced children's therapist. I can only imagine the kind of de-programming my poor girl is gonna have to endure in order to fully accept that she is wonderful, beautiful, and loved unconditionally, just the way she is. I know, without a doubt, that we have a long hard road ahead of us. But at least we will be able to travel that road together, and free to finally be ourselves.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Just a quick update

Well, he hasn't quit yet. But I think it's only because his boss is avoiding further confrontation with him like the plague. Hmmmm, funny how Bub's sparkling superior communication style seems to elicit that sort of response from anyone unfortunate enough to have to deal with him for any period of time, huh? So, I think now that's he's had time to cool off, he won't do anything rash (I hope). Chances are, he'll stick it out until he can find an alternative, or until they (he and his boss) have it out again. Either way, time is of the essence here, so I'd better get cracking. He has sworn that he'll give notice if he does quit, but I'm not sure how reliable that is if he ends up quitting during the heat of the moment, so I'm not gonna count on that. I've contacted Carrie again, and I'm gonna try to make it to the next weekly support group. I'm just waiting on her to let me know when and where it is. I've also started calling around about apartments and duplexes, which is a bit disconcerting considering the lack of openings I keep running into, but I'll find something suitable, I'm sure. Also, my lawyer said that asking the court to hold off on determining Bub's custody and visitation rights with Em until a therapist's opinion can be heard sounded very reasonable, so that's the way I plan to go if he tries to pursue the six weeks during summer break thing. Anyway, there's so much more that I want/need to write about, but I just don't have the time right now, UG! But I'll be back soon, I promise!!

Sunday, March 19, 2006

It's very likely that Bub is gonna quit his job tomorrow (Monday) because of a falling out with his boss. Not 100% certain, but I wouldn't be surprised in the least if he did. I don't know what I'm gonna do if he quits. He'll be here all day, everyday. I just don't think I can take that again. I know there's nothing I can do about it at this point, 'cause he's gonna do what he's gonna do. Any time I try to express my concerns or reason with him, he just does what he does until he's sure that I completely agree and have no problems with his reasons. I have no choice but to support him or neither of us will rest until I do, as always. I'm scared he's really gonna do this and I don't know what I'm supposed to do if he does. Any chance I may have had for the "ripping off the Band-Aid" technique would totally be lost. And I know with all certainty that I simply don't have the strength or ability to confront him and tell him of my intentions in person. I just couldn't do it, there's no way. All I do know is that I had to get this off my chest somehow, so here I am. Oh god, what am I gonna do?

Wow, sorry so long!

Okay, okay, so telling her may not be the best idea, although I still believe she would handle that better than blindsiding her. But I'm also open to the idea that my judgment may be off on this one, and that the general consensus surely wouldn't steer me wrong. I think the idea of telling her seems reasonable because our parent/child boundaries are so screwed up right now. It feels as if we're more like allies in this craziness because we both understand when Bub is "being Bub" and she knows she can count on me for understanding and support after he's gone off on one of his tangents and she is left needing to vent her feelings. But in an effort to allow her to feel comfortable talking about anything and everything, I think I've failed to enforce reasonable limits and expectations regarding our mother/daughter relationship. I think she views us more as equals just trying to get through this together, and therefore, has no real sense of respect for my authority as her mother. Which I can certainly understand considering how she's routinely seen my authority undermined, and respect for me is almost nonexistent, especially during the "lectures". Plus, I've never really learned how to enforce my authority or command respect with any consistency anyway, (heh, ya think?!) so that's one of the first things I plan to learn about through counseling once I'm out. That and boundary setting, I need to learn how to set and enforce personal boundaries. (now there's an understatement!)

Anyway, this week has been crazy, and honestly, I've been through the whole gamete of emotions in the last few days, from complete and utter hopeless desperation, to that of, well... I'm not sure where I'm at right now. In fact, I had gotten to the point of almost posting, "I just can't do it." and leaving it at that. But I didn't, so I guess that's something right? I still don't know for sure if I can actually do it, and I just keep thinking of more and more crap to worry and stress over. Like this; it occurred to me that if I were to leave now, Bub would get the standard six week visitation privileges this summer, which is only two months away. That can't happen. I really don't know if he would even pursue it, but I simply cannot take my chances. I believe to the very core of my being that what he is doing to Em is abusive, so the idea of her being forced to endure him alone for six straight weeks, without me there to support her and reassure her that she's not bad or wrong or stupid, well, it just can't happen. Plus, he can barely take care of himself, as he depends on me for everything, so how could he possibly be her primary caregiver for even six weeks time? So, I either have to make sure that the standard summer visitation does not get enforced (for this year, at least) or I may need to wait. For the time being I'm waiting for a response from my lawyer about whether or not I can request the court to hold off on custody/visitation determination until after she's had some counseling, and the counselor can advise the court about what is in her best interests. Like I said, he may realize that he can't care for her full time for six weeks, but if he does decide to go this route then I need to be prepared to fight for what I believe in. So, in all honesty, after I came up with this concern, I spent a day or two assuming that I would have to wait, that I couldn't possibly still go through with it. But then I guess I realized that I was just trying to come up with excuses, and that wasn't gonna do me any good whatsoever. The bottom line is, I have to do this, one way or another, so why bother putting off the inevitable? Which is all fine and good in theory, but now I have to actually take some real action. And I don't mean the baby steps, I mean the stuff that there's no turning back from. Oh god, are we to that point already?? Okay, just breath...

So Bub got pinkeye this week, (hehe, poor baby ;D) which made for a couple of really tricky days. See, I had planned to meet with the DV advocate from our local women's shelter on Thursday, just to talk and see what kind of support and services they provide. This is the woman I've been emailing for some time now, but had always put off meeting in person because I don't tend to handle "in person" very well. I just hadn't felt like I was ready to take that step until now, and I was actually supposed to meet her last week, but Em got sick. Anyway, Bub informed me that would be taking off from work Thursday due to his eyes, so I cancelled my appointment with her again, to which she responded, "This man is very talented, it seems he can manipulate the situation even without knowing exactly what he is manipulating?" (Ain't that the truth!) And I also had an appointment to see that duplex on Thursday, but I didn't feel the need to cancel that appt. as it was in the morning when Bub would surly still be sleeping. Anyway, he woke up Thursday morning feeling miraculously better (I guess the antibiotic drops prescribed by his doctor decided to kick in) so off to work he went, YAY! So I contacted Carrie (the advocate) and told her that I could make it after all. I also went to see the duplex, but determined it was not a good fit, which is probably just as well since I still wasn't completely prepared to take that kind of major step. Anyway, the meeting with Carrie was very covert, since they run the women's shelter, it's location must remain top secret, thus I needed to be "brought in" rather than given directions. So we met at the local Walgreens parking lot where she could then let me follow her back to the safe house where local battered women can come to get away from abusive relationships and start over. It was all very surreal, and my tears started almost immediately. But the women there are wonderful and easy to talk to and best of all, they understand the absolute mind fuck I've been going through all these years. OMG, what a relief it is to be understood and validated like that! You know what's funny? I have no doubt about how absolutely crucial a support network is when dealing with important personal issues, that much I learned from my experiences with 3fc. Yet it never really occurred to me to reach out for support on this particular issue. I honestly thought that my experience was unique and that no one could possibly understand. And they may never fully understand considering my unwillingness and inability to express implicit details about some of the more humiliating aspects of my dysfunctional relationship, but at least I know for sure that I'm really not alone, and that I don't have to live like this forever out of some sense of guilt or obligation. Free will; what a concept.

So anyway, the meeting went really well, I just sort of cried and talked and felt completely drained by the time I left two hours later. But I left knowing that I have a place to go if it ever gets to be too much, and if nothing else, a place to come and just talk whenever I want. I felt comfortable and safe and Carrie immediately recognized what a major step my being there at all even was. In fact, when I finally asked for a face to face meeting after having put them off for a few months now (they had left it completely up to me about whether or not to meet because they didn't want to push me into anything) Carrie said the whole office was just ecstatic and high fiveing. They completely understood how shy and timid I am, and how difficult it is for me to discuss any of this, (especially in person) so when I finally asked to talk in person, they knew what a monumental step it was for me. They were so encouraging, trying to get me to see the steps I've taken, and how much it means that I've taken them. And it's true, I actually have made some really major progress for me, even if it doesn't really seem like much. But coming from a place of defending my complete resignation to continue living this way, and trying desperately to accept it as my lot in life, to actually talking about it in person, meeting with a lawyer, making plans, looking at new places to live, discussing it with my mom, OMG! For me, these steps are HUGE! Plus, like I said, I'm in a different place mentally now. So even the fact that I'm willing to consider anything other than accepting this way of life is huge in of itself. Y'know, Bub's always telling me how I need to face my problems head on and how annoying my fear of change is, and of course, he's right, but I also find it mildly amusing that his "words of wisdom" may just come back to bite him in the ass when all is said and done. I wonder if it will ever occur to him that the problems he's been encouraging me to face and the changes he's been riding me to make, all have to do with him? Perhaps I should thank him for ultimately pushing me towards this conclusion through all of his lectures and badgering? (I know, I know, not my style, but what a nice thought!) Maybe, all along, he really has been "teaching me" how to be strong and decisive like he is; now wouldn't that be ironic?

Oh good lord, how freakin' long is this post gonna be? I'm finding it more and more difficult to find the time to post as much as I'd like, so when I do, they seem to be real doozies. Of course, it doesn't help that I tend to ramble on as I do, which doesn't bode well for for my true intention of merely updating my situation and sharing my experiences. And I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I needlessly agonize over my choice of wording, meticulously re-reading and over-correcting it to death before I'm finally willing to put it out there for all to see. So, to all for bearing with me for this long, thank you. Thank you for supporting and encouraging me, and thank you for just being there, as your presence alone is more than enough.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Dagnabit!

Awwww CRAP! You know what I realized while checking out the calendar again yesterday? That April 1st. is on a Saturday, not a Friday like I originally thought, duh! Well that kinda throws my April Fools Day plan out the window, cause if I'm gonna do it the way my lawyer suggested then it has to be on a weekday while Bub is at work. Plus, I also just realized that Em's Spring Break is the week of 3/27-3/31, so if I'm gonna do it then, I would have to let her in on it. But I'll go into greater detail about my thoughts on that in just a bit, cause there's some other stuff I wanted to delve into first.

One being my realization that I'm seriously starting to think like a person who might actually go through with this! I'm picking up things here and there that I think I'm gonna need but won't be able to afford once I'm on my own and really pinching pennies. I've been taking stock of our crap to see what I'll take and what I'll leave. I'll be handling things like getting the oil changed in the car, getting me and Em's hair cut, buying new shoes, and picking up some clothing items that Em will need this summer and next year, etc. because I know how tight it's gonna be soon, and I want to make sure some basic things are taken care of for the time being. It's interesting how my mindset has evolved with time. I mean, how long ago was it that I felt I honestly had no other choice but to endure this misery for the rest of my life? How did I get from that point to here? Time, support and education, the journey is never ending.

Secondly, I'm having some issues with my stress and fear; they're almost overwhelming at times. I feel as though I'm in this perpetual state of heightened anxiety. Like what a mess I was at WalMart Monday morning, just kind of freaking out with too much adrenaline pumping through my veins, making my heart pound and my perceptions ultra sensitive. I'm having a hard time concentrating and dealing with things (what else is new?) and I keep thinking of all the stuff I need to be doing to get prepared and quite frankly, I'm allowing it to overwhelm me. (again, what else is new?) But I've also been experiencing this weird sense of calmness at times as well, which is especially noticeable when he's in full Bubba mode. It's like I can space out now and take pleasure in the idea that I may not be doomed to this misery forever. His tirades don't seem to affect me as deeply or in the same way, and don't leave me feeling as depressed and defeated anymore. And I'm guessing it's because I'm feeling a sense of hope for the future. It's strange, but I can almost just laugh his bullshit off now, and think of it just as that; bullshit. I still have to comply and apologize for whatever my misgivings may be, of course, but at least now I can see that maybe I'm really not crazy or broken or incompetent. Maybe I'm just different, with different views and perceptions, opinions and ideas, and maybe being different is simply my right as a human being, and is perfectly okay, regardless of whether or not he would agree.

Thirdly, the other day, Em was saying how she wished she could have a friend over to spend the night, but how she'd never actually want to do it with daddy around because of "how he'd be". Not allowing her to be loud and rowdy and play, and getting on to her for his stupid, controlling shit and embarrassing her in front of her friends. She wishes she could do so many things that kids in "normal" families do, hell she just wishes she could be a kid, but she knows she can't while he's around. And while she was telling me this, I couldn't help but think of how free to be herself she would feel and how much fun she would finally be able to have if we actually got out from under his oppressive rule. And it's not like I plan to rebel against his overbearing control and demands by allowing her to run wild without limits and boundaries, I just want her to feel comfortable, carefree, safe, unconditionally loved, and good enough just the way she is, in her own home. How could there possibly be anything wrong with that?

Sooooo, back to this... to tell Em, or not to tell Em; that is the question. I'm sort of inclined to tell her, but let me explain why. My beautifully precocious, highly dramatic daughter is one nut that falls not far from the tree. She absolutely, unequivocally, despises and deplores change of any sort, especially the unexpected kind. Hmmm, wonder where she gets that shit from?? ;D So, while I see the necessity for blindsiding Bub, I feel that it would be particularly cruel to do the same to her, knowing how horribly she would take it. I mean, can you imagine, coming home from school one day to a totally new place to live and a broken up family? OMG, I know I'd be so severely pissed! So I was thinking that I could break it to her by first reiterating how sometimes mommy makes choices that she (Em) wouldn't like or agree with, but that I make them anyway because I'm doing what I know is best, even if she doesn't necessarily understand it. And because it's my job to do what's best, even when she may not agree. Then, I think if I break it to her, and let her know what to expect, and then give her some time to process it, maybe she'll be able to accept it and be ready for it when it happens? I dunno, this is a tough one. I also think that it would give her more of a sense of control (whereas now, she has almost none) if she were able to help pick out things for the new place and determine things she would like to take with her. Maybe it would give her more of a sense of impending freedom to be able to express her opinion without having it invalidated or overlooked. Plus the Spring Break thing, meaning anything I need to do that week to prepare would have to be done with her in tow. So, I either need to postpone for a few weeks, (I can't do it the next week either cause that's Bub's B-day) or I'm gonna have to let her in on it. So, feedback chickies, give it to me! And quick too, 'cause I have an appointment to check out a cozy little duplex within walking distance of Em's school tomorrow. Yes, you read that correctly. Can you even freakin' believe it? Talk about taking steps! Who is this woman who has been taking over my mind and body when I've needed her the most? Think I could just let her take over completely so I can hide out until all the scary shit is over and done with? Anyway, that's enough rambling for now, so TTFN!

Sunday, March 12, 2006

See, I kept my promise!!

Well, I did it. On the spur of the moment, I called the attorney Friday afternoon and asked if he might have some time to spare, and he did! So, instead of planning and overanalyzing, I just went before I could talk myself out of it. I prefaced our conversation with the acknowledgment that I'm a crier, and the fact that my being there at all was a huge step for me. He said he understood completely, and told me to just take my time and try to tell him what was going on. Of course the waterworks began immediately, so I took a few moments to compose myself, and then asked him what his experience was with overbearing, narcissistic men, in regards to divorce and custody. He said, honey, nearly every single woman who sits on the blue couch (that's where I was sitting, on the blue couch in front of his desk) and talks to me about divorce, is doing so because their husbands are overbearing, controlling sons of bitches, that's why they're here. In essence, he has tremendous experience, and I'm not alone. More crying, and believe me, it was the ugly cry too! He was wonderful, compassionate, reassuring, knowledgeable, easy to talk to, direct, and candid. And best of all, he believed me and agrees that I need to get Em and me out of this environment, ASAP. But how, I ask? What do I need to do, what steps should I take? He basically said to get my ducks in a row and pack up and go one day while Bub is at work. Just like that? Yes, just like that. No explanation needed, just do it. He'll get mad, (yeah, that's an understatement!) and then he'll get over it (with time). I have to admit, I was a bit surprised by his advice. In fact, his reply to my astonishment was, "boy, you sure ain't a country girl, are ya?" Um, no? Huh?? Apparently, this type of "escape" is quite the norm, and in his experience, a lot of "country girls" not only do this without a second thought, but they're also quite ruthless about it in the process, completely cleaning their husbands out, and being as nasty as possible. Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned, I suppose, but that's just not my style, which is something that he recognized immediately. Actually, he even went so far as to say that he didn't think I even had it in me to be so ruthless and nasty, that what he saw and heard was simple desperation to get out of an intolerable situation. Yep, more crying. He also suggested that there was really no point in trying to tell Bub, or explain anything beforehand, as it would only give him the chance to talk me out of it and use me as an emotional punching bag in the process. He said you could go through all that, but why?? He told me I don't owe Bub anything, and as difficult as that is for me to accept morally, I tend to agree. He also explained that I have the right to take Em anywhere I want, so if he called the cops on me for leaving with her, it would be pointless. He said to just go, and then file and get a temp custody hearing set ASAP, cause there's also nothing stopping him from taking Em anywhere either. He also said I can take whatever I want/need from the house, (including the Precious, which was a major concern for me b/c Em would be devastated without her) but just try to be fair and not malicious, which is also not my style. And, apparently, Personal Indignities is also the usual way to go when filing with grounds. It's not so critical as I perceived it to be, meaning that it covers such a broad spectrum of things that it is almost always the grounds for filing when people don't/can't go the 18 month separation/no grounds route here in Arkansas. So that's it, I plan to meet with a local DV counselor next week in an effort to help myself get organized, as well as to just have someone to talk to in person who truly understands this stuff. And then I need to start figuring out what my plan will be, and how to implement it. I'm kinda kicking around the idea of April 1st. Yes, I know that's awfully soon, but there's really no point in dragging this on, so the sooner the better, right? Plus, the irony of that particular day being April Fools Day, isn't totally lost on me either. ;D Soooooo, whaddya think? I, for one, can't believe I actually took some steps. After all, I honestly thought I never I really would, and that I was destined to live this miserable life forever. So even though I'm scared to death, I do, at least, I have some semblance of hope. Now, the trick will be to follow through and actually make this happen! That's the part I'm still so iffy about, I just don't know if I can really and truly go through with it. But I guess I'll never know unless I try, right?

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Had to cancel anyway, but it's only a temporary setback, I promise

Well, what started out as a sick headache for Em, somehow morphed into a stomach bug. She just started vomiting with her headache (which is typical for both of us with these kinds of headaches) but then, couldn't seem to stop (very not typical!) She continued to be sick all day Tuesday, never once eating a morsel of food, (sooooooo not typical!) barely drinking anything, and pretty much stayed on the couch and slept intermittently throughout the day. She was definitely feeling better Wednesday morning, but after not eating anything for the past two days, she just wasn't strong enough (physically and mentally) to tackle school (especially since the Benchmark testing is still going on) so I kept her home again, just to give her poor little body some much needed time to recuperate. So even though Bub did end up going to work Wednesday, I still had to cancel my appointment. Bummer! But have no fear, I will be re-scheduling, no matter what! I also had to cancel an appointment I had scheduled for today with the local DV counselor whom I've been corresponding with via email, because Bub decided that he would take today off instead of Wednesday. UG! So two big steps that I've finally managed the courage to take this week, have gotten the kabosh, which totally sucks! But... rest assured Jilly, I'm choosing not to view these monkey wrenches as fate telling me to back off, rather, I'm acknowledging them simply as temporary setbacks, which I'm refusing to let phase me. Now, how do ya like them apples?? ;D So, even though I have no good news to report, I have no bad news either. It's still a letdown though, since I was kinda looking forward to getting some idea about which direction I should take in this whole mess. But oh well, now it's just a matter of time.

Now, on to other things. I've been noticing a disturbing trend lately, which may drastically affect my ability to keep my beloved Kashi Go Lean Crunch in the house, GASP!! I've become quite a nibble monster as of late, a concern I had briefly skimmed over in a previous post, which has now become a full fledged problem, IMO. I simply cannot seem to keep my hand outta the proverbial cookie jar, meaning that damn cereal box!! It's an addiction, I tell ya! And one that I've not yet had a problem with... until now that is. I've been eating my beloved Kashi for a few years now, I love the stuff, and wouldn't live without it. But, I've never once had a problem with getting into it when I shouldn't. It's always been my breakfast of choice and has remained strictly a breakfast food all this time. But lately, it seems every time I pass by, I have to dig into the box and grab a few crunchy morsels. I say I have to, but we all know I don't actually have to, I'm choosing to, and that's my problem. I realize that I'm driven to do it, and I've been allowing my self to act on that feeling, several times a day. Not good. I can plainly see old habits and thought processes slowly creeping back in, and I don't like it one little bit! I think allowing myself to be a little more lax with the food, in an effort to gain some extra padding, is what has opened the door to my reborn grazing tendency. It's like I can't even give myself an inch, or I take a mile! I suppose I need a Kashi intervention of sorts, but dammit! I just don't want to give it up cold turkey. I literally look forward to that crunchy goodness every single morning, and I'm simply unwilling to give it up. So, where does that leave me? Well, I guess it's time to go back to basics concerning my snacking and grazing tendencies. There's absolutely nothing saying that I can't remain completely on plan while continuing to work on the extra padding issue. I'll just have to focus on accomplishing said padding through slightly larger portions and higher calorie counts, rather than allowing old bad habits to invade the space of my newly formed good habits. So, that being said, it's time to put my foot down, and forbid myself from sneaking nibbles from the cereal box. I obviously can't handle the freedom I've allowed myself, at least with this particular indulgence anyway, so that's it, from here on out, no more!! Okay wait... I just had to get one more nibble. So now, THAT'S it, no more! Oh dear lord, give me strength! ;D

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Much to my surprise, b-day turned out pretty darn nice!

OMG! What a freakin' baby he is!! Sorry, deeeeep breaths... Okay, apparently he has no intention of ever going back to my fav restaurant again, which means none of us will be going, of course. Unless, that is, if I want to get a to-go box every once in a while, and just be willing to get him something else. Which simply isn't the same to me, and makes the experience monumentally less enjoyable. But that's just me being selfish and unwilling to compromise, according to him (whatever!). I suppose he expects me to be happy that I'm allowed to even get a to-go box after announcing that he will no longer eat there. So anyway, it was my b-day, and that's where I said I wanted to go, so this is his brilliant solution. He says, since it's your b-day, and I want to make you happy, (cough*bullshit*cough) I'll go there with you, but don't expect me to eat anything (no, he'll just sit there and sulk about me actually making him do such a rude and selfish thing, while being a total gripey asshole, and hurrying us along at every turn, oooooh what fun!) and then you can just get me something different to eat on the way home. But I'm only doing this cause it's your b-day, so don't expect me to ever go there again. Then he starts talking about how he doesn't feel good and how he wouldn't even want to eat right then anyway, regardless of where it was, so maybe you and Em should just go, and bring me back some Subway afterwards, and we'll just celebrate your b-day on another day. Uh, okaaaaaay?!?! I'm thinking, whatever about celebrating my b-day on another day, today is my b-day, by golly! But SURE, I'll leave his worthless ass at home and just take Em out to celebrate my b-day, that sounds like a dream come true! OMG, you should have seen the relief and happiness in my and Em's eyes! To be able to go out by ourselves, without having to worry about saying or doing something to get him started? That was like the best b-day present he could ever have given me!! So we quick, high-tailed it outta there before he could change his mind, and Em and I spent a relaxing hour or two at the restaurant eating gobs of sodium packed, sugar filled, fat laden Chinese heaven, just talking and talking about anything we like, and being fully and completely ourselves and at ease. Quite honestly, it was the best b-day I've had in quite a while. And we both hated for it to end, wishing we could just make a whole night of it and stay out doing something fun and girly together, but alas, all good things come to an end. He was expecting us back with some dinner of his own, and he wanted to play the new video games he just bought with Em. (what is it with boys and their video games?) So that was it, what was likely to be a completely ruined evening, turned out wonderfully, IMO. You know what's sad? Just now, as I was typing this, it dawned on me how pathetic my idea of wonderful has become. A couple of unexpected hours of me and Em feeling like we are free to be ourselves, is all it takes to make my day. There's just something soooooo wrong about that! Then, according to him, we celebrated my real b-day on Sunday (even though me and Em had already decided that our special night together was my true b-day celebration) with a tense and lecture filled round of miniature golf and dinner out at his favorite restaurant, cause that's what he's been craving. Asshole.

He also spent the weekend going over and over our plans for the future, AGAIN, making sure to pin me down repeatedly about how I feel about my role in his master plan. He needs constant re-assurance that I am just as enthusiastic as he, and that I understand the full magnitude of what will be expected of me as his "partner" in this, his latest scheme (oops, I mean business) which will allow him to quit his mean 'ol stinky job and work from home like he really wants. So, of course, he went over and over what will be expected of me (basically driving it into my head that I must do everything the right way, (his way) and not screw it up and let him down like I usually do) so that we will be able to actually make it all work, cause we're in this together, and he has to be absolutely sure that I'm completely, 100% on board. And honestly, I do feel guilty about continuing to go along with everything as usual, but not guilty enough to let on that I have even the slightest hesitation, cause oh dear god, if I were to give any indication of a problem, I might literally never hear the end of it. Maaaaaaan, he's gonna be so royally pissed when I drop my bombshell on him! That's why I have to find out what my options are, and make sure that I am completely prepared to follow through once I get the ball rolling. And under no circumstances should I be alone with him for any length of time once he knows, not that he would become violent, I just need to protect myself from his ultimate wrath of rage and manipulation. I also hope to institute a strict "no contact" policy once we're away from him, unless it's absolutely necessary and only then if it's something about Em that needs to be discussed. Anything else, he can contact my lawyer about, by god! Speaking of lawyers, as you know, my initial consultation with a local attorney is scheduled for Wednesday at 10:00, right? Well guess what? Wednesday is precisely the day when Bub has decided to take off from work. Honestly, it never fails!! So I guess I'm gonna have to re-schedule, unless I can think of a reasonable enough excuse to get me out of the house without him, but we'll see.

Em is home sick from school today. What started out as a regular headache yesterday afternoon, quickly escalated into an outright sick headache, complete with vomiting and the whole nine yards. My poor baby, I feel so bad for her! Especially considering she inherited this particular trait (we call it our broken heads) from me. I was up with her approximately every 45 min. to an hour last night, each time she was sick, just to hold her hair, comfort her, and wipe away her tears, and do what ever I could to somehow make her feel better, even though nothing helped. Today was the first of three days of mandatory Benchmark tests at school, which assess each student's performance and knowledge of the standard curriculum compared to that of other students nationwide. So, it's a pretty big deal, and something that she will have to make up sometime next week. But, in the mean time, I have parked her pitiful little butt on the couch with a trash can close at hand, and plan to baby her as much as she'll let me. So send some good vibes Em's way, she needs them desperately right now.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Genuine kindness, how refreshing.

Car troubles, ick. The breaks are shot, both front and back, but moreso on the front which need immediate attention. Well shit! It'll be a couple of hundred bucks, ouch. But here's a little insight into the genuine kindness of some folks in this world of ours. The mechanic I use is a family owned local shop which does a thriving business and employs several competent workers. The owner himself is usually the one who deals with customers, and in the short time I've been going there we are already on a first name basis. Well yesterday, when Hugh (the owner) tried to, as delicately as possible, break the news of my car issues and their subsequent costs (he literally looked pained to have to tell me!) my initial reaction was, HOLY SHIT! Which I kept to myself, of course, as I reserve my potty mouth for only those precious few who know me best (awwwww, now don't you all feel so special??) But to him, I expressed my inability to come up with that kind of dough right now, regardless of the serious implications. He said he understood completely, but that it was imperative that I find a way. Now, some might think that the dude was simply trying to scare me and gig me outta some moolah, but honestly, I don't think this guy has it in him. So, I said, I don't suppose you'd be willing to take payments, would'ja? And no, not even a single eyelash was batted, you naughty, naughty girls! He said that the shop doesn't do that, buuuuuuuut, they do have a credit account that I could apply for and make payments with no money down if approved. Well hot diggity, sign me up for that bad boy!! My credit is shit though, so I had my doubts, but hey, it doesn't hurt to try, right? Well guess what? I got approved for up to $500.00 worth of service and/or supplies! Way cool! Okay, so that's taken care of, now to actually get the work done. Since I'm the only driver, it's not like I can just be without my car for a day, and we don't have any family close enough by to cart us around, so when I have car work done, it needs to be quick and I usually have to sit and wait while the work's being done. But, wonderful Hugh said, no problem, we'll have someone run you home and pick you up when the work is complete, and it won't take any more than 2 hours . Uh, okay!! You don't have to twist my arm! Gosh I love this place! But seriously, it gets even better, just wait. So, I bring the car in for our scheduled 1:00 appt. today (that being the best time for them), and the place is swamped. Needless to say, I have definite concerns about their ability to finish the work in time for me to pick Em up from school at 3:15. So I ask if he'd prefer that I just bring it in Monday, it's really no problem, I don't mind at all. But this dude is so concerned about the state of my breaks that he absolutely will not hear of it. He says, we will have it done by then, I promise. Okay, I trust ya! Then, knowing that I would need a ride home, but being as incredibly busy as they were and unable to spare someone to run me home, the dude actually tells me to wait there while he gets his keys so I can borrow his truck to get home while they work on my car! Are you freakin' kidding me?? And he won't take no for an answer! Then he says, if for some reason they can't get finished in time, (but they will, he assures me) I'm to use his truck to pick Em up from school and do any of the running around I need to do! Oh c'mon, are there really people this trusting and generous? Honestly, he just blew me away. I mean, this guy doesn't know me from Adam, other than that I'm a regular customer, and he just gives me his truck to use because he wants to make sure 1) that I don't drive my car on crappy breaks any longer than necessary, and 2) that I'm not inconvenienced in any way while they're fixing it! I'm just speechless! Well, I guess I'm not speechless since I just wrote this long as post about it, but you get the picture! So, it just goes to show, there really are just good-hearted, compassionate people in the world. And no matter how cynical I become, I will always have a reminder of that. Now, I wonder if there's any shit I can haul while I've got this guy's nice ass truck just sittin' in my driveway?? JK, I wouldn't dare!! ;D teehee

Well, it's my birthday, I'm 29 today. My mom said, congratulations, it's your last birthday!! I simply can't have a daughter over 30, so you're done! What a goofball, I love her. ;D Since Bub can't really shop for me because I would have to drive him, I just picked out and purchased my b-day present myself, which I honestly prefer doing anyway. Much less waste of time and this way I only get things I really want, so it works for me. Anyway, I had noticed that WalMart had down comforters on clearance, which is something that I've always wanted due to very fond childhood memories laying in my Grandma's bed and just sinking into her crisp, white down comforter. So I snatched one up for the bargain price of $25.00! You gotta love WalMart's clearance!! It was originally $62.00, so the price break was fabulous! And while it may not be the highest quality, (yes, I realize that even the original price of $62.00 for down is pretty damn cheap) it still makes me happy, and that's all that really matters anyway. I figure I'll upgrade to a really high quality one, (hey, and maybe even throw in some really high thread count sheets to boot) when I'm seriously rolling in the dough some day. Hey, you never know, Arkansas could adopt a state lottery one of these days. Did I mention I just saw a flying pig last week? That little squealer was really bookin' it too, something about gettin' outta dodge cause hell was freezin' over, I dunno. Wonders never cease y'know!

Now, guess what I'm gonna do? Heehee, it's baaaaaaad, but I don't care, it's my fucking birthday by god! You know my fav restaurant, the one that Bub has that disturbing dirt on that I absolutely refused to let him tell me about? I'm gonna tell him that's where I want to go for my B-day dinner tonight!! I know it's childish, and he'll probably be an absolute bastard about it and perhaps even ruin the whole evening, but like I said, it's my favorite place to eat (yes, Jilly, it's the Chinese buffet, as if it could possibly be anything else!) and it's my birthday, so too damn bad! See, what'd I tell ya, there really is a little bitch in me, I just keep her suppressed most of the time! Wish me luck!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Jilly wrote:

While the unknown is scary, can you ever imagine telling yourself "I regret doing this and wish I had stayed with Bub for the rest of my life. I was happier then."

No, I can't imagine ever saying I wish I had stayed with Bub for the rest of my life, period.

I have an appointment for a free initial consultation with an attorney next Wednesday at 10:00, and I didn't even cry while I was on the phone with him. Here goes nuttin'...

Another load of BS? Hmmmm, good question.

Last night Bub tells me he found out some disturbing information about my all time favorite restaurant that may change my mind about whether I want to continue eating there or not. I told him that I prefer not to know. My thinking is that disturbing things happen in all restaurants, I’ve been eating there all along and it hasn’t killed me yet, so I figure, what I don’t know doesn’t hurt me. What’s the harm in that? But this drives him NUTS! He can’t stand it that he wants to tell me something that I adamantly don’t want to hear, and that I’m not relenting and saying it’s okay for him to tell my anyway. I was trying to set a personal boundary, which I never do, and it crawled all over him. So Em says that she wants to know so he then proceeds to start telling her, right there in front of me. I state again that I still don’t want to know. He says I’m not telling you, I’m telling Em. I said, you’re still right in front of me. He says, if you don’t want to hear then you can choose not to listen. I said, how can I not hear when you’re standing right in front of me? He said, you choose not to hear me all the time. How many times a day do I say something to you and you say you didn’t hear me? (This is usually while I’m in the kitchen washing dishes or cooking and he’s in another room expecting me to hear everything he’s saying just because he happens to be speaking. He assumes that I purposefully ignore him.) I said that sometimes I don’t hear you when you’re in another room and I’m busy doing something, but we’re in the same room now. Now he’s annoyed because he still hasn’t gotten to say what he wanted, so here we go… He says, that’s just insane! That’s a stupid response because if you think that this information will affect whether or not you want to eat there, then you need to know it. If you want to choose not to let it affect you then do so, but you still need to know! I said, I prefer not to know. It’s a personal preference and I don’t see anything wrong with that. He says, I just told you what is wrong with that! Why would you just say the same thing over again knowing that I have a problem with that, you know I hate to repeat myself! (believe me, I know good and well how much he hates to repeat himself by now!) He thinks that just because my personal preference is not a valid enough reason to him, then it is wrong. Then he turns it into a parenting issue. He says, I will NOT just stand by and allow you to teach Em that she can go through life just sticking her head in the sand when she’s faced with problems like you do. You have to lead by example and show her the right way to handle things so she doesn’t turn out like you, never willing to confront anything. I feel like I’m the only one trying to teach her anything and I can’t trust you to make sure she’s doing the right thing. I can’t just tell you not to talk to her because you’re the one who spends the most time with her so I need to be able to count on you to stay on top of her and enforce our rules so that she turns out the way we want her to, and you’ve shown me that I can’t count on you for that. Blah blah blah! (This obviously isn’t verbatim; I wasn’t able to record the conversation, unfortunately, but interject a good hour’s worth of the same relentless lecturing and you’ll get the gist) Anyway, his point was that I’m an ineffective, incompetent and untrustworthy parent because I’m not constantly on her about every miniscule little thing, making sure that she’s always doing, saying, and thinking the right thing. He wants to control her, to suppress her natural personality, and mold her into what he thinks she should be. He is relentless, and faults me when she acts out because I’m obviously not enforcing the rules. He thinks I’m ruining her. I think I’m just trying to let her be a kid while allowing her to be who she is. I told him that I just take a different approach; I try not sweat the small stuff. And he says that’s my problem, that I have to be vigilant about the small stuff because that's how she learns. If she sees me sticking my head in the sand about things I don’t want to face (i.e. disturbing news about my fav restaurant) then she’ll learn that it’s okay not to face her problems head on as well. Which I completely understand, I know that I hid from things, but he has this knack for making anything he says sound perfectly reasonable and rational, it’s how he breaks people down until they have no choice but to agree with him. But was it really so wrong that I just preferred not to know this information? He thinks it was insane and irrational, so therefore it was wrong and invalid, and simply would not be tolerated. It’s like I’m only allowed to have a personal opinion if it makes sense to him, otherwise it’s stupid, crazy, invalid, irrational, and must be changed. And it always comes back to how it reflects on my parenting skills what I’m teaching Em. This is the part that scares me so much about what a custody battle might be like with him. He can always find a way to prove why his parenting style is better, and that I am basically incompetent. He can make it sound like everything he does is only for her benefit and her best interests and that I don’t take an active role in making sure she turns out right. When all I’m trying to do is protect her from his constant, overbearing control over her, and allow her to feel like she’s good enough just the way she is. That it’s okay for her to have her own feelings and opinions, even if others don’t agree. Of course I try my best to teach her right from wrong, but I also want her to be her own person with free will and the ability to make her own choices even if she must sometimes suffer the consequences of those choices. I know that I am a good mother, and that the only thing wrong with my parenting style is that it’s different from his. But I’m scared to death of his ability to convince people in power that he would be the better parent. I just couldn’t bear it if Em ended up having to live with him, it just CAN’T happen. He’s already broken her will; I can’t allow him to break her spirit as well. This is one of the things that holds me back the most, my fear of losing my precious girl to this controlling, overbearing man. The thought that I wouldn’t be able to protect her or be there for her when she needs me the most. I just don’t think either of us could handle that. And I’m scared to even allow it to become a possibility.