My daughter wrapped her arms around me tonight before bed and said, “I love you mommy, you’re the best mommy ever. I appreciate everything you do for me and I’m so glad to be home.” Then she said, “I’m sorry for disrespecting you sometimes, you don’t deserve it.”

I have an awesome kid.

She’s off to my brother and sil’s house tomorrow and will stay til the middle of next week. Swimming, fishing and playing nonstop with her cousins while I face Bub at the emergency custody hearing. My lawyer attached his police reports to the claim and explained that he’s psychotic not well and wouldn’t allow her to come home or have phone contact with me when she was there last week. I am confident that this custody issue will be a no brainer. It’s nice to feel such confidence.

A social worker from child protective services came to interview us per Bub’s ridiculous request since I'm so obviously an unfit mother. She was here all of 10 minutes. Apparently he told her that I hit Em in the head with a door and there were bruises and scratches on her face. I was dumfounded… and so was Em. I didn’t think he’d make up a blatant lie, but then again I didn’t think he’d hold my daughter hostage against her will either. The social worker found the claims unsubstantiated of course and told me the case would be closed right away. She wasn’t actually supposed to tell me that but I guess she thought the whole thing just as ridiculous as I did.

Apparently Bub told Em horrible things while she was there. He had her convinced that I would go to jail if I tried to do anything to interfere with what he was doing. So much so that she almost didn’t come with me when I went to get her for fear of what would happen to me. He talked to her about everything I’m doing wrong and how it hurts her, and that I don’t really care about what’s in her best interests. He spoke badly and loudly of me a lot apparently. He also told her that she is mentally unstable and that he planned to put her in a facility where doctors could fix whatever is wrong with her, and that I would go to jail if I tired to interfere. She wasn’t allowed to go anywhere or do anything by herself, including using the bathroom. He made her follow new chick everywhere she went, so if new chick was sitting at the computer then Em had to sit next to her, if new chick took a nap then Em had to lay down with her. At one point Em called him a psycho, for which she was punished and sent to her room. At least she got to go there by herself.

She’s having nightmares now. Vivid dreams of being imprisoned in that nasty little trailer, unable to escape. There are bars on the windows and doors in her dreams and she feels hopeless and helpless. She doesn’t want to go back there and she’s not sure if she even wants to see him again. She’s only talked to him once since she’s been home. He was angry with her and blamed her for what happened. Apparently new chick told him that Em opened the door when I came to get her (which they were both sternly warned not to do under any circumstances), but it was actually new chick who opened it. I guess she was just trying to save her own ass from Bub’s wrath. Anyway, Em got off the phone quickly after that and hasn’t asked to speak with him again. I really didn’t think he’d be angry with her, how could he be so stupid? Unbelievable. But that pretty much cemented her newfound opinion of him so hopefully we won’t have to go through this again. Only time will tell. Anyway, I’ll explain more about the covert operation of getting her back and all that led up to it another time, I just don’t feel like it yet, so stay tuned.

God, why did she have to have such a fucktard for a father? *kicking self squarely in ass. When you know better you do better right? Fine, lesson learned, bleh.

I don’t even know what to say. Bub decided to keep Em and he refused to give her back. My baby just wanted to come home and he wouldn’t let her. He thought I was being an irresponsible parent by saying she could come home instead of making her stay there where she could get the structure and discipline that she obviously lacks with me. There hasn’t been a custody order yet, so he just kept her. He said he was the only one putting her best interests first. He said lots of things. Bottom line, he took matters into his own hands and he held my baby against her will. Well two can play at that game because by god, I went and got her back. Quite frankly it’s a huge, complicated mess of a story and I’m tired, but I got her back and that’s all that matters. We’ve been hiding out at my brother and sil’s house since Thursday, when it happened, and my lawyer will be filing for an emergency custody hearing on Monday so that he can’t snatch her again without consequences. Em is home and safe, and I’m done being nice. Done.

Sooo much more later.

Familiarity breeds contempt. The hell you say. Not for all I surmise, not for all. Perhaps for some, familiarity breeds comfort and understanding. A level of intuitiveness and yes, dare I say the right to express truths that may be difficult to hear. Wrought only from love and compassion, and the desire to help, relate and empathize. Wait… be still and review that last sentence and rest assured that has been my only intention. That has always been my only intention because that’s who I am. And if anything other than my truest of intentions has ever been derived from my words or actions then perhaps I am not as known as I thought I was. No, perhaps not.

Life goes on, peace, curiosity and tolerance abound. Of course they do, just look a little harder. This world and the people of it are inherently good for the most part. Each just trying to get by like the next, searching for their own contentment and joy. I know where mine lays, do you? I am secure in my knowledge and beliefs, as well as the significance of my journey. I may not know where I’m going, but there is no fear, not anymore. I am content, I am relieved, and I am simply, unabashedly me. *grins

Well she almost made it a week… almost. The calls came today, “please mommy, don’t make me stay here, I made a huge mistake.” Go figure. I’m making her stay until the weekend cuz I’m mean that way. No really, I just want to fully drive home the point. She needs this to remind her and quite frankly I need the leverage. It was time for this lesson to be learned, necessary in fact. And it may need to be learned again at some point, but that’s ok, because we’ll get through it then too. Mom will always be here cuz that’s what moms do.

Her behavior is my fault of course, isn’t everything? What he fails to realize is that she is him made over. Her willfulness and entitlement, her inability to let things go, and her need to constantly be in control of her world are simply manifestations of his genetic material and her dysfunctional childhood. Magnified of course by the inherently narcissistic tendencies of most adolescents. I desperately want to save her from herself, to keep her from ending up like him. I’m not sure yet if it’s possible, but by god I’m gonna try. I refuse to give up on this child; cuz never giving up is what moms do.

I need another job, or a new job, or something. Man what I wouldn’t give to listen to the church ladies ramble incoherently again. That was such a good gig, especially when combined with this one. I’m trying to hold it together, really I am. And I will, one way or another, I’ll make this work. Why? Well because that’s what moms do of course, lol.

Even after 10+ years I still question whether or not I’m cut out for this mom business, but I suppose at times we all do. One more time, all together now, because that’s what moms do right? That’s what moms do.

School is out and Em is gone. She went to Bub’s for a few weeks to hopefully get the desire to live with him out of her system. Bleh. She’ll stay there until my big trip up north on the 19th then she’ll go to my sil’s house for the long weekend. I didn’t feel comfortable about her staying with Bub while I was so far away so I got her all pumped up about wanting to visit her cousins in the hopes that Bub wouldn’t protest. Luckily it worked out fine so now that’s the plan. Once I get back she’ll either go back to Bub’s or she’ll see the light and decide to stay with boring ol’ mom. They both think she’s staying with him the whole summer, but I’m pretty sure I know her better than that. I give her a few weeks until the idea of living with daddy doesn’t sound quite so enchanting anymore. She’s blocked out most of what it was like to live with him so unfortunately she needs this hard lesson in reality to remind her of why we left in the first place. God I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but its one of those things that she just has to learn for herself. She’ll be okay, and I’ll be there when reality comes crashing down and she’s ready to come back home. Shall we lay bets on how long she lasts??

I managed to snap a few pics of the junkyard trailer, which actually looks A LOT better than it did when I first went. Apparently he’s been cleaning the place up some. Let’s all give Bub a pat on the back for trying to make his shit hole place more homey.


That's not their car, its just broken down in the front yard and being used as a storage facility now. They are still without a vehicle or a working indoor toilet, both of which he "says" will be taken care of next month... or was it the month after?... or the one after that? Whatever. Anyway, she's there and I'm all alone with the cats trying not to feel sorry for myself. Which hasn't been working so far, but I have ample time to get over myself since MYBABYISGONEFORTWOFREAKINGWEEKS!! Ok, I'm better now... I think. More later, I need to find something productive to do.