Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Katrina and Whisker's plight

I cannot fathom the kind of devastation that Katrina's wrath has left behind. My heart physically aches at the sight of the hellish images and the stories of heroism and despair, yet I am drawn to the pictures and survivor recounts, seemingly unable to turn away. I am reminded a bit of 9/11, although not to nearly the same extent, I'm not sure anything could quite match that horrifyingly infamous day. It does seem a lot like the Tsunami, as one paper reported, but it's different. Maybe because it's here, just one state away from me, that it's affected me more deeply, perhaps it's just hitting closer to home. My god, what are these poor souls to do? How do you even begin to clean up and start over after something like that? Their lives will be forever, unequivocally changed. It's just too much.

We had a bit of alarming news yesterday, although it seems a bit silly to write about in comparison, it is still affecting us personally, so I guess I will share it. Two little girls (about 9 or 10) showed up at our door, asking about the cat (Whiskers) they saw sitting in the window. Apparently one of their friends had lost a cat fitting her description, and had begged them to come see if it was, indeed hers. Well, she's one in the same, her name used to be Gracie. I explained that she sort of adopted us, showing up on our carport one day, and not leaving since. We assumed that with no collar and her physical state of malnourishment, that she must be a stray. So, after much consideration, we brought her in, cleaned her up, got her shots, and planned to keep her as our own. Of course, we've become quite attached to her and the thought of giving her up now... well I just don't wanna! She's such a love, and has the most wonderful temperament. And she really just feels like part of the family already. Whaaaaa! >:( So, I gently suggested that perhaps their friend (Whisker's original owner) might accept a kitten in Whisker's place, since she's made herself so at home here. I hope I wasn't wrong in doing so, but I just had to try. Had she been wearing a collar when she first showed up, we absolutely would have returned her to her owner, without question. But this situation is different, and I feel like Whiskers picked us and has been happily making this her home for quite some time now. I can't help but think of the little girl though, she didn't ask for this to happen, even if more could have been done to prevent it. So, if she insists, much as I hate the thought of it, I know what must be done. Sigh... Oh how I hope she wants a kitten instead! What little girl wouldn't want a kitten, right??

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Free stuff and the craziness that is my step-mother.

Ahhh, my love of free stuff has finally paid off! The other day at my little women's day convention, I signed up for all sorts of give-aways, naturally. Well, today I got a phone call from Dalton's Dental office saying that I had won their drawing for free laser teeth whitening worth $500.00!! She said it's the same process they do on Extreme Makeover, to give me an idea of what to expect. I'm supposed to come in a few days prior to the laser treatment to get custom dental trays made for the follow up at home bleaching I'm to do as part of the process, which is also part of the free package. I am sooooo excited! I don't win things very often and I could really use some teeth whitening due to my massive coffee addiction. Also, I love that I'll be getting custom made dental trays since my teeth are so crooked, and it's usually quite cumbersome to use most of the OTC teeth whitening products because of this. So, it looks like my obsession with free stuff has finally been validated, oh god, I think I've created a monster!

So, here's an interesting little insight into my step-mother's state of mind, as related to me by my brother's wife. She called me yesterday specifically to pass this story along because she knew I would laugh my ass off about it as much as she has the last few days. She was shopping at WalMart with my infant nephew, along with her sister and her sister's baby, when she spotted my step-mother. Naturally she tried to avoid the woman due to her loud and obnoxious personality, (I can't say that I blame her) but to no avail. She swears that the woman must be equipped with a radar tracking device of some sort. Anyway, they were trapped with no way out so my step-mother proceeded to engage them in one of her notoriously long and rambling conversations about nothing of substance. Then, at some point, they got on to the subject of babies, of course, being that two were present at the time. So she starts going on about how she's always wished that she could have had a baby with my father, but being that they've both been "fixed" and were in their mid forties when they married, it just wasn't meant to be. But she was gushing about it (as she tends to do) and expressing her regret at the missed opportunity, and then she said the following sentence, (keep in mind, she's speaking to my brother's wife) "Can you just imagine what a baby of Calvin's would look like? With those big brown eyes and all that curly brown hair?" Uh... hello! My SIL was at a loss for words, being that she is, in fact, married to one of Calvin's children! OMG, this woman is such a moron! And you wanna know the real kicker? Neither my brother nor myself even look like our father! So, obviously, he doesn't make babies with big brown eyes and curly brown hair anyways! Now, I know what she meant by it, she was thinking a baby of theirs together. But that's not what she said! I told my SIL (after picking myself up off the floor) that it's like she's trying to block the fact that our father ever had children without her, out of her mind. Like she wants him all to herself and doesn't want to think about him having a life before her. Oy vei! But, as I've mentioned before, this woman has some serious "issues", so who knows what could be going on in that brain of hers?! Anyway, I just thought I'd pass that along, since I got such a kick out of it!

Monday, August 29, 2005

Puppy love, already??

So, according to his mother, the little boy whose birthday party we attended Saturday evening, apparently has a maaaaaaajor crush on my Emmy. Oh CRAP! They are 8 years old! I'm not really going to have to start dealing with this stuff already, am I? Can't my baby remain a sweet, innocent, totally crush free, little girl for at least a little bit longer?? One of the other mothers was saying how she just had to buy her daughter her first training bra, and that she's already beginning to show signs of pre-pubescent hormones kicking in. OMG! They're 8! Okay, calm down, this kind of stuff was going to start happening sooner or later, I can handle this. Plus, I figure I've still got a few more years on the hormone stuff since I didn't begin my own cycle until around 12. I've heard that daughters usually start around the same time as their mothers, and I followed that same pattern with my own mother, so hopefully Emmy will follow suit.

I gotta admit though, the little boy is awfully cute, and so sweet and polite! He's been in the same class as Em for three years in a row now, sits at the same table as her, and he's in the Gifted & Talented and Accelerated Reading programs with her as well. You'd think they'd be sick of each other by now!! Oh well, puppy love, what can you do?? Oy vei!

Anyway, Em had a blast at the pool party, and thoroughly enjoyed beating the crap out of the pinata. And when it was over, she didn't want to leave, (of course) and even gave me a little lip about it! That little knuckle head! But we quickly resolved that issue in the car and I don't expect to have a problem about it again (I hope!).

We took Em to the park on Sunday, which was nice since a weather front has come through, and the stifling heat has let up a bit. It was low 90's with a slight dry breeze, rather than 100 with high humidity. Still not optimal, but certainly better than it has been lately. It's been strange having my husband around for these outings more often now that he's "working from home" more. It can make for a very tense trip as Em and I spend a great deal of time walking on eggshells around him. It's much more enjoyable when we're able to let go and just be ourselves, but I guess this is something that we really need to get used to, since I don't see it returning to normal any time soon. Anyway, after the park we went to Subway for lunch where I convinced the nice lady behind the counter to build me an absolutely ginormous salad filled with all sorts of yummy veggies and a serving of chicken breast strips. They're too good to me there! In fact, I think she almost got a kick out of seeing how full she could get salad bowl and still be able to fit the lid on top. I sure does likes me some salad! I'm also seeing how eating more meals with my husband is becoming an ever increasing problem. He seems driven to ply Em with sweets and junk food at every turn, almost like he's rebelling against the sense of healthy lifestyle that I'm trying so hard to instill in her. His argument is that kids eat that kind of crap all the time, always have, and always will, and it's not gonna kill 'em. HELLO, have you heard how the childhood obesity rate has skyrocketed in the last several years? Do you not want her to live a long healthy life, and at least have a fighting chance against the crappy fat genes she's inherited from the both of us? It really doesn't make sense to me, but then again, when I was in denial about my weight and lifestyle, (as he is about his) I didn't put much emphasis on nutrition when it came to her either. I just didn't give much thought to the food we were eating, period. But it feels different from him, perhaps because of his spiteful nature, it seems almost like he's punishing me for expressing a different view on the subject. I dunno, maybe I'm reading more into it than there really is, but I can't help but wonder.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

A little bit of pampering.

Well, I just returned from my "Great Escape- A Day For Women" expo thingy. It was fun! And I got to spend as long as I liked browsing around the various booths since Em stayed home with daddy pigging out on pizza and watching movies. They had all sorts of samples, drawings to sign up for, and mini services like hand massages and manicures, both of which I partook in. I've never actually had my nails done professionally before, and while it was nice, it certainly isn't anything I would ever feel the need to pay for on a regular basis. The hand massage was my favorite, followed by a paraffin wax hand treatment, and then a "coffee" scrub which was almost too abrasive, yet still very nice. I also had my "colors" checked (not sure if there's a name for this or not) where they wrap different color fabrics around you and tell you which are most complimentary with your skin tone. Apparently I'm a "Summer" and lighter colors look best on me. I guess I'll take their word for it since I'm completely clueless when it comes to girly stuff like that. I also tried a few samples like a small bit of dark soy chocolate with, and a piece of a hazelnut soy bar. Both were quite tasty yet ridiculously overpriced, so needless to say, neither found their way home with me. I was a bit disappointed that I didn't get to participate in the body massages and pedicures, as they were all booked up by the time I arrived. All in all, it was a nice time, and I think I'll make plans to attend next year as well, only a tad bit earlier though.

Next on the agenda for today is a birthday party for one of Em's little school friends. It's a pool party from 6-8 this evening, and she couldn't be more excited! So, since I'm a bit pressed for time (I haven't even started the laundry yet!) I'm gonna cut this entry a little short, and see if I can't take care of a few responsibilities before it's time to go.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Ramblings and more ramblings

Alas, there has proven to be no permanent damage from spending a day as a SpongeBob Squarepants social outcast, whew! That little knuckle head! She said, after getting over her initial weariness, that there was really nothing to be nervous about after all and that the other kids could have cared less about what she was wearing. In fact, she even received a compliment from one of the little girls who sits next to her in class who owns a similar outfit. So, they've made plans to coordinate the wearing of said outfits again for a particular day next week so they can be "twinkies"! So, I guess my sour stomach and overall agitated state may have been a bit of an overkill after all. Geez, the crap we go through as moms! I really just need to chill out and take comfort in the fact that she's gonna turn out just fine, regardless of my neurotic tendencies!

So, I'm awaiting the highly anticipated return of The Biggest Loser and Survivor, both in September. That's right, I'll admit it, I'm a reality TV junkie! I can't help it!! I am drawn to almost anything that deals with and shows the complexities of real human drama. Even if the situations are scripted, the reactions to them are what really interest me. I also LOVE Starting Over, which I'm completely addicted to these days. They take real women with real problems and put them together in one house where they can concentrate on intense emotional therapy and educational exercises to hopefully resolve their conflicts and essentially "start over". Who needs soap operas when we've got good stuff like this on TV?? I've always enjoyed this kind of format and was immediately addicted to COPS and America's Most Wanted when they first came out, along with The Real World on MTV, which is nothing more than one giant orgy now, but it used to offer some stimulating entertainment. Hmmm, I guess the giant orgy is pretty stimulating in it's own right, but that's not exactly what I was going for there!! So, I love to watch these shows, yet I could never actually be on any of them. Frankly, I don't see how anyone can. To put your business out there in such a vulnerable state, for the whole world to see? OMG, the thought just makes me cringe! Not a lot could make me more uncomfortable than that. I guess that's why I'm so reluctant to pursue getting on one of those makeover shows. I know I said before that I was considering sending a letter to Oprah, but I've pretty much chickened out on that one. And one of my initial reactions after the Dr. Phil producer contacted me was that of utter terror, as in "holy shit, what if they actually pick me?!" My intense need for privacy and my desperate desire to "fix" what I've done to my body are battling a war within me, and I'm really uncertain which of the two I'm rooting for at this point. My usual inclination is to "just wait and see", believing that which ever is meant to be, will ultimately prevail. But I fear that in doing so, I may also miss out on some amazing opportunities that could never again present themselves. So, what do I do? What I usually do, nothing. Just bury my head in the sand and hide in my indecision. Geez, you'd think as much as I complain about my personality flaws, I'd actually strive to fix them?! But I think that maybe I'm not ready to address such deeply ingrained behaviors yet. Much like the way I was never successful at weight loss until this last time, I have to be mentally prepared for the challenge, and I'm just not to that point yet. Of course, one could also say that this is just another passive aggressive tactic to put off the inevitable. You know, the whole "if I don't think about it then I don't actually have to do anything about it" excuse. Yeah, that sounds about right, that one little sentence pretty much sums me up. Damn, what a depressing turn this has taken! Enough introspection for now, anyone have a Xanax?? ;)

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Bad Mommy!

Man, do I ever feel like a mean 'ol mom today! So, here's the story; right around the beginning of summer vacation Emmy and I found character outfit (SpongeBob Squarepants) at WalMart. It consisted of a shirt with a colorful SpongeBob print on the front and a skort, (skirt w/ shorts built in) both in bright yellow. She loved it, begged me to buy it, and after much consideration and assurances from her that she did indeed want it and would wear it, I consented, saying that it would be considered one of her new back to school outfits, and would be put away until school starts. Remember, money is tight, and I have to be very frugal when it comes to spending on non-necessities. So, fast forward to last week and the start of the new school year, and out I pull the SpongeBob outfit. All of a sudden, she's all wishy washy about it; what if it's too small, I'm not sure I like it anymore, I don't know if I want to wear it, etc. But what it all boils down to, IMO, is that she doesn't want to be embarrassed or made fun of for standing out in this slightly outlandish outfit. Now, I never particularly cared for the outfit, I thought the color was atrocious, but I relented because I want her to know that it's okay to have her own style, plus she reeeeeealy begged me for it and I have a hard time saying no a lot of the time. So, I tell her it 's not cool to talk me into buying something and then decided after the fact that you don't really like it anymore. I also reminded her of how much I questioned her and her assurances of really wanting it before I actually purchased it. Yet she remained steadfast in her reluctance to wear said outfit and has been trying everything to convince me of it's flaws. But I, being the horribly mean, evil mom that I am, insisted that she would indeed wear this outfit, regardless of her objections, because I felt the need to prove a point about making choices and living with the consequences. Plus, I spent money on it damnit, and I cannot allow her to be so cavalier about how the little money we have is spent. I realize that she's an only child and we tend to spoil her. We've given her cause for a certain amount of expectation when it comes to things like birthday parties and Christmas presents. And I can't blame her for having no real sense of the impact that unnecessary spending causes, especially at this young age. But I do believe that the lesson to be learned here was justified and needed to be taught. My problem now is that I'm feeling like such a creep for making my baby wear something that she feels so self-conscious in! Bad mommy, bad mommy! I'm feeling extremely guilty and worried that she is, indeed, getting made fun of, even though I'm sure she's not. I just would hate for her to have a bad experience from this and resent me and hold it against me for the rest of her life. I know, I know, I'm being irrational, but my fear of screwing this poor child up is so great, that I can't help but feel a little irrational at times. Oh god, I'm just cringing at the thought of some evil little snot making fun of her, causing her to burst into tears in front of the whole school, all while silently cursing her cruel, sadistic mother for ruining her life! Oh man, I need to get a life! Okay, time to let this go, and chalk it up to one of those formative life experiences that we all must go through as a rite of passage into adulthood. But why does it have to be so hard? Sigh...

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Getting it all down and avoiding responsibility!

Well, last night I put together an outline to get all this crap floating around in my head down on paper in the form of a book (hopefully). My thanks to Jilly for putting that particular buzz in my ear, I knew you'd be so proud!! I'm not sure yet what exactly will come of it, if anything, considering I'm not exactly known for finishing things I've started, but it is a start at least. My aspirations are that it become a comprehendible, frank discussion of my life as a fat girl thus far, and what has worked for me to get my weight/food issues under some semblance of control. And even if nothing ever does come of it, I think just getting it all out will be somewhat therapeutic, if nothing else. I almost don't want to even mention that I've begun such a feat, for fear of being a let down if/when I don't follow through. But, nevertheless, it's something that's going on with me right now, and what better place to discuss it than right here? Hopefully there will be updates on this topic in the future.

Man, my head is all over the place today. I'm finding it difficult to focus on one thing or another. Which, of course, means that nothing is actually getting accomplished! It's going to be just me and Em tonight (DH is off doing what he does with a friend and won't be back until late) so I'm trying to figure out something fun for us to do together. Unfortunately it's raining and storming here, so I guess a nice walk around the neighborhood is out of the question. Bummer! But I hate to just sit around watching the boob tube all night. Hey, maybe I'll engage her in a rousing game of UNO or Yahtzee, that could be fun! Yesterday we did some crafts together and made beautiful little sun catchers out of beads. She's so creative and artistic! And smart and beautiful, witty, charming, funny and precocious. Okay, so maybe I'm a little biased here, but who can blame me??! ; )

So, I got this email from my Grandma (my 87 year-old Grandma, mind you) the other day, with the following joke attached:

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Jo were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Jo, bless her heart, being the older and more feeble of the group, just couldn't reach quite that far.


OMG! How could I not pass that along? You gotta love Grandmas.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Gripe, gripe, gripe and breaking the cycle, hopefully??

You know what I'm starting to realize? I sure do bitch and moan an awful lot! Seems like I'm forever complaining about one thing or another. I certainly don't mean to gripe about everything, it just tends to come out that way. Maybe I'm just trying to find something interesting to write about since my life is so utterly boring! Which I like BTW, no unexpected surprises with boring, but definitely not worth writing about on a daily basis. I guess I could call my blog "The Amazing Adventures Of Whiskers" or "The Life And Times Of A Third Grader" and only stick with safe, non-controversial topics, but that wouldn't be much fun, now would it? ;)

My baby is turning 8 soon (Sept. 2). I can't believe how big she's gotten! Seems likes she's grown a foot taller right before my eyes. It's not just that either, she looks more grown all of a sudden, like a big kid. She's lost that babyish look to her face and structure. She's also thinned out quite a bit. Lemme tell ya, she was one rolly polly baby! 9 lbs. 6 oz. at birth and always way above average in the weight/height charts up until just the last few years. Hmmm, wonder if that has anything to do with my newfound consciousness of healthier living? Gee, ya think? :) I promise, if I still lived like I used to, she would be turning just like I did, without question. That girl has got some serious attraction to food and sweets in particular, and would eat nothing but if given the opportunity. Sound familiar? Ought to, since I'm the one who gave her this particularly hard to manage trait. Poor thing! I know, all to well, the struggle she faces with that nasty little demon. But I think I'm really helping to get her started off on the right foot now. We talk a lot about being kind to our bodies and how much healthy eating and exercise benefits us. I really just want to break the fat girl cycle so she doesn't have to go through what I did. I know one thing for sure, she's in a much better place with her relationship to food than I was at her age! She at least has an idea of what normal portion sizes look like, and that a little bit goes a long way. I think I've taught her to appreciate treats for what they are; treats. And that there's nothing wrong with having them, as long as it's in moderation. We've also discussed the effects of taking a diet to the extreme in other ways, like people who don't eat enough or binge and purge. I think she fully understands that our bodies need fuel to survive, and that undereating is just as harmful as overeating. I just hope she holds that knowledge close to her as she approaches puberty, and becomes more aware of her body image. I am scared to death of her succumbing to the destructiveness of eating disorders. And I just hope, that by setting a healthy example, it's a road she never considers taking. Really, my ultimate dream is that she can be free of the hold that food addiction has had over me all my life. For her to not have to suffer with all that this horrible addiction entails, that alone would be worth every bit of the blood, sweat and tears it has taken to get me to where I am now.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Saturday

To Jilly: Intellectually, I know that I need to "add a little padding" but I just don't know if I can or even really want to. Just the thought makes me nervous. I wasn't as comfortable in my clothes 10-15 lbs. ago. Since I have to allow room for the skin, my clothes are usually too snug in some areas and hanging off of me in others. And now they just seem to fit better in this smaller size. I feel comfortable at this weight, but this weight includes all of that skin which reflects in my overall appearance. If I did have 10 or so pounds of skin removed I would definitely strive to gain back to my current weight, regardless of how difficult it would be for me mentally because I would know that I would look better and feel better in my clothes at the same time. But right now I feel frozen because I don't want to be uncomfortable in my clothes again but I also don't like how thin I appear. I'm at a loss here, and when I'm indecisive I tend to do nothing, which does me absolutely no good at all. Oy vei!

On to other things. Well, the first day of school went off without a hitch! She was veeeeery nervous at first, but said once she got back in the groove of things, she loosened up tremendously. She loves her new teacher, Mrs. French, as do I. She's a young, upbeat, witty, no-nonsense kind of lady, and I think her style is going to make for a very pleasant year. But the day proved to be a long one, and my sweet girl came home with quite a headache (I figured she would, she is my daughter ya know!) so off to bed early she went to try to recuperate and now all is well again. She's just as bright eyed and bushy tailed, and ready to take on the world as ever! And... in the mood to test her momma today! That one day reprieve hasn't quite been enough yet. ;) Tell me again whose stupid idea it was to start school on a Friday??

So, apparently some belt thingy is falling apart in my car's motor. It started making a clicking sound yesterday afternoon, so we had a car savvy friend check it out. When finished he handed me a part of the belt thingy he found during his inspection that was hanging off. Not good! He volunteered to fix it for us (THANK GOODNESS!) and said he would be by to do so this afternoon. So, right now I am without transportation, which is a horrible feeling. Not that I have anything pressing to do, I just like knowing I can go somewhere if I want or need to.

I'm also feeling unnecessarily cranky and sullen once again today. Probably related to the afore mentioned lack of reprieve I was so looking forward to, and haven't been able to fully appreciate as of yet. Hopefully my sour mood will lighten as the week progresses, and we settle more comfortably back into our regular schooltime routine. Next Saturday I am looking forward to a special "day for women" expo that's being held here locally. I'm told it will include all sorts of samples and prizes and free give always like mini massages and facials, along with numerous booths pandering every imaginable womanly product and service available. Ahhh, sounds heavenly, I can't wait! Plus, ya know how much of a sucker I am for free stuff!! I've already scheduled it with my husband (which I will need to remind him of) so that I can have the day to myself, sans Emmy. Assuming, of course, that he actually wakes up at a decent enough hour for me to still attend, which is a feat that will remain to be seen. So, keep your fingers crossed for me, will ya?

Well, my daughter just informed me that she's produced a delectable array of Play-Doh cakes and pastries, of which we must partake quickly before they all dry out. So, I'm off to indulge in the treats of her imagination. Hey, at least they are calorie free, right?!

Friday, August 19, 2005

Now what?!

Here's a new one, are ya ready for this?? I think I might just be a little too thin. OMG! Did I just say that? WTF is too thin to a one time 320+ lb. woman? But I'm afraid it's true. Not too thin in actual pounds mind you, just in appearance. I actually consider myself to be a very healthy weight for my height and body type; 5'8" 130 lbs. medium/large body frame. But I appear to be underweight, and I don't like that one bit! Some of my bones are protruding, especially in my upper body like the collar bones, chest, shoulders, etc. And I feel self-conscious about it, making sure not to wear clothes that reveal too much in these areas. Good grief, with all the covering up I feel I need to do maybe I should just invest in a Burqa and be done with it! I just want to look as fit and healthy as I feel. So, what's the cause of this unhealthy appearance? Well, a few things. For one, it's that goddamned skin again. I think the skin's weight is what is keeping my body weight in a healthy range, but if it were removed I think I would actually be underweight. Another thing is that I think my body fat percentage is much too low, which I really don't get because IMO I eat sooooo much food, and have been making a conscious effort to add more fat to my menu. I mean, I am eating all the time, and I'm always left full and satisfied. I guess it's just that I really do eat clean most of the time and I must have really kicked my metabolism into high gear with the frequent meals and everyday weight training and exercise. So because of this I just have no padding between my skin and bones, and quite frankly, it looks terrible! People have been telling me that I look too thin, and I've gripped and complained about their incredulous comments, telling myself that I am technically at a perfectly healthy weight, so they have no justification for concern. But, in all honesty, and I hate to admit this to myself, they are right. I just don't look healthy. So... now what to do? Well, put a little weight on that's what. HA! You must be freaking kidding me! Put a little weight on, puhleeze! After a lifetime of disgust with the extra pounds of fat on my body, after a few years of blood, sweat and tears to take them off and keep them off, how could I possibly make a conscious effort to purposefully gain more weight? That goes against every fiber in my being. Just the thought of it terrifies me to my very core. Put a little weight on? Yeah, that's exactly what needs to happen. Holy shit, what am I gonna do??

Thursday, August 18, 2005

First my thanks, then...tomorrow's the big day!

Wow, I can't believe I laid it all out there like that last night. Thank you Jilly and Dawnyal for your non-judgmental comments, it really helps to boost my confidence about creeping out of my comfort zone again in the future. Sadly, while I think it's an excellent idea and have considered it before, I think it may be too late to try writing a letter. In doing so I would have to admit to years of dishonesty about who I really am and all the times I've agreed to something I didn't really believe just to put an end to something. This is a point he would never be able to let go of. It would be held against me and thrown in my face at every opportunity. It would also be used as yet another tool to prove his points about my perceived personality problems. It is an idea though, and one that I promise I will not totally dismiss. I just know that I'm not ready for the aftermath of what a letter like that would bring at this point.

Also, for Jilly, I just want you to know that there is absolutely no threat of physical danger, that's never been an issue. Although, at times, I kind of wish it were, if you can believe that. Then, perhaps, I would have some perceivable justification for wanting to put an end to this train wreck.

Now, enough of that unpleasantness. Tomorrow is the big day, the first day of third grade! We've been busily filling out school forms, picking out the perfect first day of school outfit, making sure all supplies are safely tucked away in her new backpack so they won't be forgotten in the blur of our morning rush. Lunch must be packed, shower taken, nails painted, (how could we forget that?? ;)!) clothes laid out, and then off to bed early tonight to account for all the required beauty sleep! Whew! I can't believe Summer is over. It's going to be so eerily quiet here now, no SpongeBob SquarePants softly playing in the background, none of the incessant chatter of her dolls while engrossed in some make believe world, no impromptu hugs and kisses "just cause", at least until she's home for the day. But that's beside the point, I've been able to get them whenever I want, and now I'll have to wait. Sigh... It's funny how eagerly I was looking forward to this day, and now I'm almost dreading it. But alas, that is just my immense dislike of change rearing it's ugly head once again. We will adjust, we always do. I'm just so grateful I have the opportunity to stay home with her during these times. I feel like we have a connection that I didn't get to experience with my own mother, and I hope she feels it too. Just to know that I am always here for her at any given moment, hopefully is an enormous comfort to her; I know it would have been for me. I sure am gonna miss my girl. :( Hmmmm, I think I'll go tell her so right now!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Lettin it all hang out.

Wow, did I ever just get reamed. The lectures seem increasingly nitpicky, or perhaps I just have less patience for them now. So what was my crime tonight? Well, it seems I was once again not affectively communicating because I offered my opinion on the validity of two opposing points and admitting that I couldn't decide which was better, rather than choosing one of the points or simply stating that I would need more time to decide. Apparently I was being vague and he was seeking a decisive answer regardless it's validity. He says one of my biggest problems is that I don't listen. I disagree, it's not that I don't listen, I just interpret what he says differently than he does. I don't think he understands that not everyone thinks the way he does or filters information the same. But what makes this a problem is that he believes everyone should, and they're wrong if they don't. He says he's trying to teach me how to communicate effectively because I have such obvious problems with it. But I don't feel like I have trouble communicating with anyone else, it's just him. He says he's so tired of rehashing the same issues over and over again because I never learn, and just do the same things time and again. He's tired! OMG, he has no concept of what tired of this shit is. I can't re-wire the way my brain works even if I wanted to. But if I'm ever going to be able prevent the lectures, then I'm gonna have to. How do you stop your automatic responses and change them to fit a totally foreign perspective? And if I can somehow manage this, then what will be next? It's always something, something that I just do wrong and need to fix if I ever hope to be a productive adult worthy of respect. I'm sure he thinks I'm so inferior since I can't seem to process even the simplest thoughts and concepts. He seems to have such a distorted idea of who I really am, but that's really my fault because I don't bother to correct the misconceptions. I figured out a long time ago that once he has something in his head, there is no changing it, so what's the point of trying? But by not trying I've become this totally different person to him, a weak, stupid, selfish woman, all because I don't have the ability to change his perception. I honestly don't stand a chance in a debate against him, he argues every single point until there is no other option than compliance or concedance. And once he has that he holds me to it. When I do finally concede the point I am expected to be totally on board with it and if I express any feelings to the contrary then I am wrong, dishonest, disloyal, selfish, uncaring, inconsiderate... pick one you like because he can prove any of them to be true. And you know what really gets to me sometimes? His ability to argue his point is so powerful that I actually find myself agreeing that these things must be true of me. How else could I explain my actions if they weren't so? I have actually caught myself thinking that maybe I really am a bad wife, mother, person because he's just so damn convincing. I wish I were stronger, but then again if I were, wouldn't it be worse? Wouldn't we be butting heads non-stop if I could actually argue back rather than just giving it? How could it not be worse?

I'm feeling extremely compelled not to publish this post, it's just too open and honest, and I NEVER allow others to catch a glimpse of the life I really live. But that's what it's here for. This is my space to be me and I have to get it all out somehow or it will totally consume me. So... here goes nothing.

Wednesday

Em has her little friends over for one last playdate before school starts on Friday. They're being awfully quiet in there, hmmm, that can't be good! Better than crying and fighting I guess. ;) We took her to Playworld yesterday which is a fun place for kids with a huge indoor playmaze. I'm trying to make sure to get plenty of fun stuff packed into this last week before she has to get back to the daily grind of school. She actually likes school, more than I did anyway, but she's a bit nervous about starting the new year. She worries a lot (gee, I wonder where she gets that from?!) about whether she'll do well and how hard it will be. She really has nothing to worry about, she's exceptionally smart, but she's very critical and hard on herself and expects perfection. I do what I can to calm her fears and boost her self confidence but I have to wonder how affective I can be, suffering from the same fears myself? I'm sure she must pick up on that, how could she not?

So, Whiskers has "done her business" on the floor three times now! I expected there would be some adjustment period since she was accustomed to having the great outdoors as her own personal potty, but come on! She knows where the litter box is and what it's for, in fact she uses it most of the time. So why is she leaving us "little surprises" every now and then?? Whatever the reason, we need to get this nipped in the bud ASAP because I am not down with my house smelling like one giant litter box! The kittens are three weeks old today. They can all successfully climb out of their bed now so we've had to section off a little area around the bed to keep them confined at night. They're soooo darn cute, having really just learned how to walk (even if their little bellies still drag the ground because they're not yet strong enough to carry their own weight). And it looks like they are able to spend more and more time away from their momma now, so I don't foresee any problems with a 6-8 week weaning. Which is good considering that'll be just about all I can take of five little kittens running around the place, regardless of how darn cute they are!!

Well, I think that's about it for today. I've got to round the girls up and get them home soon, so I'm gonna cut this one a little short. But I'll be back to blather on about even more insignificant things tomorrow, I hope! ;)

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Yay, Jilly's back!!

It's so good to have you back safe and sound my friend! Even if you were faced with a monumental mess upon your homecoming, I would have just crawled under a rock and hid from the world had it been my house! Also, thank you for not going there with me. You're going to need your own Dr. Phil intervention to reconstruct your tongue after having to bite it so much on my behalf! But I truly do appreciate it, more than you'll ever know.

P.S. I will keep an eye on it, I promise!

Thanks for checking in on me Luflic! I absolutely intend to post every day, yet there are just those days where I can't seem to manage it, no matter what I do. But it warms my heart just to know you're looking out for me, thank you so much!

Now, for a little rant! Sometimes I feel like such a schmuck. I hate it when I do really stupid things that very easily could have been avoided, and I tend to dwell on them and have a hard time letting it go. These are nothing major, but there are two incidences from the last two days that I'm just kicking myself over. Okay, first things first, we operate on a pretty tight budget, which I'm fine with, but I absolutely HATE to waste money! If I had my way we'd probably be pretty well off because I would have saved everything that wasn't absolutely necessary for living expenses. But that's not the way it works around here so I pinch my pennies where I can. Anyway, day before yesterday, I went to the store to pick up a few sale items on frozen goods and beef, which I had coupons for and got a pretty darn good deal! But I was in a hurry and had my mind on other things, so when I got home I rushed right inside to get dinner started. Yes, that's right, leaving the frozen foods and meat out in the car in 95 degree heat! Ugh! For some reason the forgotten groceries just popped into my mind at about 10:30 that night, so I ran out to check and sure enough there they were, all nice and warm and completely ruined! Yeah, I said some not so nice words and slammed a few things, I was PISSED! What a waste, and no one to blame but myself. I think that's the real kicker, ya know? The fact that I was the one who screwed up and cost us money, because I'm usually so good about that. Oh well, people make mistakes, and I am certainly no exception! The other thing that happened comes down to one of my basic personality flaws that just irritates me to no end. I took Em for her haircut (which turned out totally adorable, IMO!) and when it was time to pay, the woman said that'll be $12.95. Well, the sign clearly says $8.95 for a kid cut, which I promptly pointed out. So she says, that's because I blow dried it. WTF! Did I ask you to blow dry it? NO! Did you ask me if I wanted you to blow dry it? NO! Did you ever once mention that it would cost more if you did blow dry it? NO! Now, I know that this is just a matter of 4 bucks here, but like I said, I'm miserly and I'm on a budget! Plus the money is beside the point, my problem is that she didn't ask first, and that's not okay! So what did I do, you ask? Not a goddamned thing! This is the part that really gets my goat. I was like, "oh..., okay" and handed the woman 13 dollars! Ugh, smacks head, kicks self in butt! Why didn't I say anything?? Why did I just let this underhanded woman rip me off and not say a single thing about it? Why is it so damn hard for me to just stand up for myself? Geez, I can be such a freaking doormat sometimes, I just let people run right over me, and don't do a thing about it. This is something I have got to fix, it affects all aspects of my life, and I'm not okay with that. I cannot allow myself to be run over like this for the rest of my life. So, now the question is, what am I gonna do about it? Hmmmm, good question.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Sunday

I seem to be in better spirits today. We are on official countdown to the first day of school. T -5 days and counting. I still have to pick up the last few piddly things I've yet to purchase from her ever increasing school supply list, along with the girly pink backpack she has all picked out. This next week will be a busy one, filled with such events as a school open house Monday evening to meet her new teacher, one last hoorah with her little friends on Wednesday, a hair appointment one of the days this week for a desperately needed trim, and various other little errands, not worth mentioning.

Whiskers is still behaving herself nicely, although she has begun to test us a bit to see what she can get away with. Nothing major, just jumping up on the kitchen counters and table, and trying to peek into the trashcan for tasty little morsels she can slink away with. Each offense being met with a firm, "No, no Whiskers!" and either help down or a "good girl" and an ear scratch if she does it on her own accord. I've still yet to find things in disarray after having the house to herself either at night or while we've been out, so I have to say, I am quite pleased. I do believe she is going to work out very nicely here, and has thus far made a remarkably easy transition into our family. The kittens are all doing wonderfully, and Emmy and I just can't get enough of their sweet little faces. I am a bit worried about Whiskers though, she's been having some diarrhea and vomiting off and on since we brought her inside, so I'll be contacting the Vet on Monday to see if they have any ideas or suggestions.

We spent some time yesterday watching old home movies from when Emmy was a toddler, one's that I haven't seen in quite a while. I have to say, it was more than a little shocking for everyone (myself included) to see me heavy again. My daughter couldn't get over the difference since she only has very vague memories of how I used to look. What's even more shocking is to think that I had gained an additional 60-75 lbs. on top of what I weighed in that video! How is that even possible? But, aside from that, we had a lovely time reminiscing over her baby years, and enjoying full belly laughs at her undeniable cuteness. I really can't believe my baby is about to be eight, sigh...

On a more serious note, I'm starting to believe that I've been cycling through what I perceive to be mild bouts of depression lately. I've always been one to get down at times but never so often or to such extent. I've noticed that it's starting to affect me in ways that I'm not okay with; lethargy, excessive moodiness, some feelings of hopelessness. Nothing extreme, mind you, and absolutely no reason for alarm, I'm just feeling a little more blue than I'm accustomed to. Of course, I have no doubt about the source of my feelings. It is completely obvious that I am having a hard time dealing with the state of my marriage, and the fact that I still need to accept it for what it is and learn to make the best of it. I've been allowing myself to remain immersed in my resentment for a life and marriage I didn't expect, rather than moving forward and embracing what I do have, like I know I really should. If I can just manage to make that leap from wishing I had done things differently to owning the choices I did make as my own, then maybe I'll be able to make that move forward. It's the only way I'm ever going to be able to let it go, and hopefully find some contentment and happiness in this life. I've always found it veeeeeery difficult to get past the "what if's" and "if only's" in my life, and this is certainly no exception.

Friday, August 12, 2005

May I have a few moments of mental clarity, pleeeease?

Geez Louise, I'm feeling so cranky this week! I think I'm just ready for Summer vacation to be over. I'm finding myself to be overly short tempered with my Emmy-pie, which only contributes to the strain that our clashing personalities already creates. All I can say is that it's been a long 3 months and now Mom is ready for her own, personal Summer vacation! I am also having a difficult time keeping my mind off of food, which is nothing new, just increasingly annoying. Although it appears that I've managed to keep it under some semblance of control, my obsession with and addiction to food in general (sweets in particular) has never left me, and I accept that it never will. But the day to day grind of having to deal with obsessive thoughts and planning of my food gets so old at times, it's not even funny. It's so frustrating that I can't just stop myself from this behavior, and that when I feel stressed or overwhelmed, I automatically run down a mental list of foods I've deemed safe to snack on. I guess I'm grateful that I've been able to steer my addiction in this direction, rather than falling back on the free-for-all binges of my past. But, if I've been able to renegotiate my dependence on food in this way, then why can't I seem to cure the addiction all together? I wonder what I would be free to spend all this mental energy on if it weren't constantly being consumed by food? You know, I allow myself planned treat meals every now and then, and I generally feel fine about them when I have them, but if I happen to overindulge in an unplanned way, I tend to obsess over the thoughts and compulsions that led to it, how it will affect me and what now needs to be done to compensate for it. I never just give up and say it's too late now, I've learned that lesson, thank goodness. But I also can't just let myself be ok with it, I've always got that nagging little voice in the back of my mind saying "look at what you've done, you are weak and you don't even have enough self-control to put the goddamned fork down when you know you should." I try not to beat myself up for my indiscretions, I really don't want to, but the thoughts are so compulsive that they're an automatic response, and sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it. Good grief, I would have soooo much freaking free time if I weren't so screwed up in the head!! ;)

Thursday, August 11, 2005

One of "those" days and Whiskers' homecoming.

Ack, it's turning into another one of "those" days. DH (insert whatever you like for the D, I know I do) has been ever present with his self-righteous attitude in full force today. That man has the uncanny ability to suck the very life-force right out of me with the mere use of his simple, yet powerful words. He seems to know all the best ways to dig at me and bring the insecurities about myself and my personality to the surface. Which leaves me questioning myself, perhaps I don't think or do things correctly, perhaps I really am selfish and uncaring, and only think of myself? Perhaps that's a crock of shit that this manipulative man uses to keep me second guessing myself so I'll always be weak and lacking self confidence. Yea, that sounds more like it. Ugh, what have I gotten myself into?

Momma Whiskers and babies have all been to the Vet today and are now resting comfortably in a brand, spanking new kitty bed in the corner. We're thrilled to have them all safe and sound inside the house where we can oooh and ahhh over them whenever we want. We'll be taking some pics soon so I'll have to post one or two of them here when we do. The Vet said Whiskers is in perfect health, although a bit underweight from her time on "the streets", but we'll take care of that and fatten her up in no time. She's now had her shots, been de-fleaed and fitted with a new collar sporting a heart-shaped "Whiskers" tag that my daughter picked out just for her. Now comes the true test to see just how well Whiskers plans to behave herself in her new surroundings. But she has the most pleasant temperament and has shown nary a sign of aggression in the entire time we've known her. So I don't think she will prove to be a problem kitty in the slightest, unless you find fat laziness to be problematic!! At any rate, I believe our Whiskers is looking forward to a long life of tummy rubs and ear scratchings just as much as we are, and probably even more!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

The prodigal kitty returns!

Whiskers has come back to us and has even shared with us the whereabouts of her hidden babies. We've determined that it was either that damn lawnmower or the menacing neighbor dog nosing around her litter that prompted Whiskers to move her kittens to a more secure location under the bushes in front of our house. Either way, we now know that they are safe and that she intends to stick around for a while. We've also decided to expedite our original plans and move both momma and babies into the house after a visit to the Vet tomorrow afternoon. We still intend to give up the kittens once they've weaned at six weeks, but we'd just feel better keeping them safely in the house until that time arrives. I wonder if mother cats mourn the loss of their kittens in a similar way to humans and our children? I'm worried that taking her babies away will affect her negatively and cause her to feel pain for the loss of her children. Or does the care she provides them now derive from her deeply embedded instinct, and once the kittens are no longer with her, will she be able to pick up like they never existed? I know it may be silly to worry about such things, but if they feel anything like we do for our own children, then how could I possibly allow such a thing to happen? Oh, what's that? My heart on my sleeve? Yea, I need to do something about that! ;)

Well, my daughter is having her weekly playdate right now, and the girls are all quietly watching the new Muppet movie. In all honesty, my daughter would be perfectly content playing the entire time of their visit together, but it seems her friends don't get the opportunity to watch many children's' movies, so she is being a gracious young hostess and obliging their requests. A feat I am quite proud of and must remember to praise her for once they've gone for the day. She has a hard time remembering that not everyone likes to do only the things she wants, being an only child who is not accustomed to having to compromise with other children on a regular basis. But it is something we've been working on and it's starting to show. She really is a good kid, albeit headstrong and difficult at times, (what kids aren't?) but overall, she is the light of my life and I try to make sure to tell her so every single day. If nothing else, she knows without a doubt, that she is loved. A feeling I believe every child has the right to be secure in.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Work in progress?

We're feeling sad and a little rejected today. Momma kitty, Whiskers, has decided to move her babies to an undisclosed location. Perhaps she caught wind of our dastardly plan to break up the happy family at the time of their weaning, or maybe the sound of the lawn mower yesterday afternoon just scared the shit out of her so she snatched the kittens and ran! Either way, she is gone, and my baby is heart broken. I had to chuckle a bit when I realized that she had even taken her little food bowl with her, as if she assumes that the food will somehow materialize in the dish each morning as it has everyday since her arrival on our doorstep. Maybe, when she realizes that it's not so easy out there on "the cold, hard streets", she'll return to us with kittens in tow. I feel sort of like the anxious mother of a wayward, runaway teen. I know she can handle herself and her babies, but I wish they were here so I can make sure they're safe and cared for. Plus, I was really sort of looking forward to getting her all fixed up at the Vet's and making her a permanent part of the family. Sigh...

I'm not feeling all that well today, not as impossibly fat as I was feeling yesterday, (thank goodness!) rather a little headachey and out of sorts. I really ought to be working right now, yet here I am, procrastinating as much as humanly possible. I find it quite difficult to concentrate and think clearly when I'm feeling this way, so I tend to put things off until the last possible minute. Of course my procrastination is not only connected to feeling badly, it's a nasty little habit I've always struggled with, and has gotten me into trouble more times than I care to remember. It was especially present in school where I almost never completed my homework, and spent many a late night frantically trying to pull some lame book report or such a thing out of my ass. It's a wonder I was able to graduate at all! I did manage to pull it together during my last two years of high school and maintained and almost perfect GPA. Yet the damage I had previously done was far too great to salvage my overall GPA, which, in turn disqualified me for the scholarship I had been offered in reward for my above average ACT score. That was one hard pill to swallow, lemme tell ya, yet it was completely justified and I could blame no one but myself. Funny how my obesity seemed to parallel everything else in my life in that respect. And the bad habits that contributed to my obesity were also the very things at the basis of most of my wrong turns in life. Yet those core personality problems, the ones that affect nearly every aspect of my life, are still ever present, perhaps just managed in a different way now? But clearly something that still needs working on. That's what I am, I guess, an ongoing work in progress. I can only wonder what the finished product will end up being?

Monday, August 08, 2005

Fat day strikes again!

I don't know if I'm retaining water or if my more than normal dietary indiscretions have finally caught up with me, but I am feeling positively fat today! And I feel completely ridiculous in saying so because I feel as though I have no right to complain of a legitimate fat day after having been where I have. I should feel nothing but gratitude for the weight I have thus far maintained, yet the feeling does still strike me out of nowhere at times, rendering me totally self-conscious and self-critical. It also makes me a bit paranoid, like snacking on a few unplanned slices of cucumber just now is really gonna make that much of a difference in the grand scheme of things! It's astonishing how easily I can lose perspective when I'm not feeling particularly great about myself. I am definitely at odds with my inner fat chick today. She is strong, but I am stronger and I will prevail! (I think I can, I think I can, said the little Beverly that could!)

Speaking of cucumbers, this has become on of my new favorite veggies! I've always HATED cucumber, couldn't stand it, thought it tasted, smelled and looked nasty, but then a few weeks ago some of this atrocious, green vegetable came diced up in a salad I'd ordered without my knowledge. I knew something was different from the first bite, not bad different, just different. So I poked around and found the culprit belonging to the unfamiliar taste, a little, crunchy chunk of cucumber! My first response was, "ewwwww, I hate cucumber!" but then I realized that hey, that wasn't so bad! So I picked out a few more chunks and I gotta tell ya, I've been hooked ever since! Who'da thunk it? How exactly can one's taste buds change so quickly and easily? How do you go from absolutely despising something to eagerly craving it in an instant? I did that with sour cream and yogurt too. Great for the yogurt, not so great on the sour cream, YUM! Too bad I can't turn that switch off! Oh well, here's to an ever evolving palate.

In other news, my daughter was sick with a migraine last night. Unfortunately, she seems to have inherited my "broken head" as we like to call it. I felt so badly for her and helpless to do anything, other than offer my loving support and comfort. I hate that she had to get this particular trait from me, having suffered with migrains my entire life, I know the kind of misery she has in store. Perhaps the medications they have now are more advanced and will be able to offer her more relief than I could find growing up. I wonder if there is anything they can do for someone so young? I will definitely have to do some more research on that one and speak with her pediatrician about what options are available for children her age. My poor baby!! But she's feeling much better today, so all is well.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Planet Thin

OMG! My MIL didn't comment on my newly flat chest!! Hmmm, I wonder if it had anything to do with the padded bra I just so happened to wear?! I just wanted to see if it would make a difference, if she would make a snide remark regardless of how I actually look. So I've determined that she's not trying to be completely malicious, she just calls em as she sees em and apparently lacks that little inner voice that tells us all when to shut the hell up before we say something stupid or hurtful. My husband lacks that voice as well, I guess he comes by it honest. I also feel that I should delve into how completely ridiculous it is that I should even own a padded bra in the first place. I mean come on! A padded bra? This from a former 48DD! I never could have imagined that I would ever own such a thing, much less have need for one. In fact there are lots of things I could never have imagined I'd be faced with now. Like I never knew that it would be just as difficult to find clothing sizes in 4/6 small as it was in 30/32 3 or 4x! I assumed there would be racks and racks of these sizes in the skinny girl stores. But now I realize that what they stock the most of is the average sizes like 8/10 or 12/14. Leave it to me to be on one end of the spectrum or the other, it's like I can't just happily settle for something in between. And then, of course, I can't believe I even have to nerve to bitch about such a thing! You'd think I'd be happy with what I have and learn to shut the hell up! Here's another weird little thing that I never considered before; trying to shave the cavernous pits beneath my arms now has turned into some sort of expedition in spelunking! Is this normal? Do thin people find it difficult to maneuver their razors effectively in this area? I dunno, but I definitely never had this problem when I was fat. Also, my butt hurts when I sit too long now, the seatbelt rubs at my collarbone in the most irritating way, and I'm always freaking freezing! Damn, I could go on and on, but I won't because I absolutely despise whining and therefore, cannot allow it to continue. ;) But I wonder if thin people ever notice these things? Or is it because they've always been thin that they don't even think about this stuff, because these things have always been normal to them? Interesting, I've often wondered what it must be like inside a naturally thin person's head. Their's is such a foreign world to me that I feel like I'm just an awkward tourist who doesn't really know the language or the laws, and I'm desperately hoping someone doesn't realize that I don't belong here and try to kick me out. Well, I guess those skinny bitches would have quite a fight on their hands because I'm not about to leave planet thin quietly, they'd have to drag me out of here kicking and screaming the whole way!

Alright brain, it's dinner time, let's go find something more constructive to do!

Friday, August 05, 2005

Friday

I watched Starved on FX last night. Wow, that was... interesting. I posted on 3fc how it was like watching a car accident, you know how you can't quite turn away no matter how horrifying it is? Yea, it was like that, but funny at the same time. And I could relate to a lot of it even though it was way over the top, but the underlying message was about people with food issues just like me. Definitely interesting, I'll have to give it another go before I decide if I love it or hate it.

We're taking another longish roadtrip tomorrow (yippy, ugh!) to visit my inlaws (double ugh directed to MIL in particular). My mother in law is one of the most irritating women I know. Apparently she is unable to let a visit go by without making some sort of backhanded comment about my body or weight. Her new favorite topic being my breasts, or the lack thereof. Like I don't already know that I have no boobs left since losing weight?! Duh! She's just one of those people who have to make nasty little comments yet put such a spin on them that she can justify it as concern or a tasteless joke. I've had to learn to dismiss her tacky remarks else I would drive myself mad with hurt feelings and anger. In turn I smile and nod a lot, and thank my lucky stars that I don't have to live with this woman anymore (which we did at one point early in the marriage for all of 10 excruciating months) At any rate, she really is quite draining and I'm definitely not looking forward to the visit. But luckily, since they've moved pretty far away, the visits are now few and far between.

Well, my little girl will be starting the third grade exactly two weeks from today. Yes, the first day of school is on a Friday. WTF? Who's bright idea was that? Anyway, it's been a long summer for me and her (we seem to be expert at pushing eachother's buttons) and it will be nice to get back into a normal school time routine. I think she's looking forward to it as well, I imagine she's more than just a little sick of me by this point! Awww, it's not that bad! But really, two people can only spend so much time together before they're bound to get on eachother's nerves, no matter how deeply their love for eachother runs. And not to get overly melodramatic here but, oh how I love that little girl of mine! More than life itself really. I can't even imagine how I ever existed on this earth without her. I truly believe she is the reason I was put here, and I swear that I will do everything in my power to make sure she has the best possible chance at happiness in this life, because she absolutely deserves nothing less than that. Okay, maybe a little melodramatic, but I digress! ;)

Well, off to get a little more work done before the day is through!

Thursday, August 04, 2005

I'm back!

Actually, I was back yesterday but I had too much work to catch up on so I didn't get a chance to post an entry.

Well, the results are in, I had a $20.00 gambling limit and I hit one $141.00 jackpot, so I just about made enough to pay for the trip! I am very pleased and feel much better about spending the money. I told my husband we should only take vacations where I have a chance to make back the money it takes to go there! I think he thinks I was kidding!;) Anyway, the trip went well, and the driving wasn't soooooo bad. Took right at 3 hours each way. We had one little mishap in Memphis, TN where the interstate wasn't well marked and veered off without my realizing it, but we ended up running into the road we needed anyway, so all was well. By the time we got there we were all ready for lunch, so we checked into the hotel and then checked out the HUGE buffet right away. YUM! I love being able to take just a little bit of different kinds of food I wouldn't normally pick or eat an entire portion of. They had excellent salad selections with tons of fresh veggies I could throw in. I did indulge a bit, like a piece of fried catfish, but it was planned and I enjoyed every bit of it. I also allowed myself a few bites of dessert which I almost never do since sweets are some of my biggest triggers, but they had a fabulous dessert bar with treats which I wouldn't ordinarily have the opportunity to try. So my daughter and I picked out some of the more decadent looking chocolate concoctions like truffles and tarts and some divine chocolate cake, and each enjoyed 1 or 2 bites of all. Well, she may have had a few more than 1 or 2 bites but that's what I limited myself to. Mmmmm, it was well worth it, and I was very pleased that I managed to stay in control. From there we headed back to the hotel room to rest up a little from the drive, lunch, and the heat! Played a few games we had brought along while I enjoyed some of the complementary coffee from the little coffee pot in the room. After that we went for a dip in the indoor pool, where once again, my lack of insulation proved to be a nuisance. I was absolutely freezing the whole time. You know how you're supposed to get used to the chilly water and you don't notice it anymore? Yea, well not me, I was one big goosebump! But after that we slipped into the warm, bubbly jet tub where I where I blissfully remained until the rest of the crew were sufficiently water-logged and ready to go. *Note to self, must purchase my own jet tub sometime before I die! Ahhhh, it was just wonderful. After that we headed over to the Kids Quest which is an awesome play maze and arcade for kids. It's intended purpose was for parents to drop their children off here for an hourly rate so they could gamble in peace, but we don't leave our child with just anyone so we took a seat at one of the tables and let her run wild and have a blast for an hour. She absolutely loved it, in fact she said she wished it were closer to home so she could have her next b-day party there! Then the next day is when I got to try my luck at the slot machines. While hubby and daughter hit the arcade I headed over to the casino. I've never actually gambled since I've been of legal age to do so, and frankly it was a bit overwhelming with all the lights and noise and various types of machines to explore. In fact, when I went to ask one of the employees a question on how I should get started, her immediate response was to card me. I'm sure she thought no one this stupid could possibly be old enough to gamble! So, of course, I chose to take it as a compliment to my glowing, youthful appearance rather than my apparent ignorance as I tried to convince her that, yes indeed, I really am 28 years old! Anyway, I hit my jackpot on the first machine I tried, and then proceeded to blow through the rest of my twenty dollar limit over the course of the next two hours. And that was just about all I could take of it, I really don't see how people can sit there in that madness for hour after hour after hour. By the last 30 minutes or so I was just going through the motions, trying to use up the last of my credits and waiting for my husband to call and say that they were finally done at the arcade. It was very fun though, just not anything I care to spend an extended period of time doing again. Maybe next time I'll break it up into smaller stints and not try to use up my monetary limit all at one shot. So, after that we met up for lunch at the massive buffet again, where I, unfortunately, allowed myself to get a little more carried away than I had the previous day. My downfall was some sort of chocolate, caramel, walnut, (damn those nuts, they get me every time!) strudel-like pie concoction. OMG!! It was simply amazing. I had only intended to try 1 or 2 bites, but after the first bite I knew I was a gonner. My irrational, food addicted brain took over and started whispering evil little destructive things like, "It's ok, it's just this once and you're always sooooo good. Come on, it won't hurt, you deserve it." Bullshit! Oh well, it could have been much worse. And if I've learned anything throughout my weightloss it's that when stuff like this happens you just have to get up, dust yourself off, and get right back on plan before the "screw it, it's too late now so pass me that pint Ben & Jerry's, and piss off!" mentality sets in. I ended up staying on plan the rest of the day and even got in an extra long work out after the long drive home that evening! Yay me! So, all in all, it ended up being a very nice trip with no real drama to speak of, and I would definitely like to do it again some day. Maybe next time I'll really hit it big!! ;)

In other news, I haven't heard anything back from the Dr. Phil producer yet, but I imagine that could take a while. I think I'll give it a bit longer and then I'm considering sending a letter into Oprah, since I've already got this particular bee stuck in my bonnet. I figure if something like this is gonna happen I need to take the initiative now while I'm still feeling brave. Otherwise, who knows if I'll ever work up the nerve again.

And the kittens are doing wonderfully. Fattening up just as they should and getting cuter by the day (if that's even possible!) We've decided to keep the momma and bring her inside, so we're scheduling a trip to the Vet for shots and de-fleaing ASAP. And we've already found homes for at least three of the five babies once they've weaned, so hopefully we'll find good homes for other two soon as well. In the mean time my daughter is just beside herself with excitement at the prospect of owning her own kitty. She absolutely cannot wait until we can get the flea situation taken care of and we can bring her inside for good. She's even gone so far as to promise to scoop the litterbox daily and be responsible for feedings and whatnot. Hmmm, we'll just see how that one goes! But I think she'll do a good job, she's been waiting for this for a very long time and I don't believe she intends to take it lightly.

Well, I think that's just about enough for now, it's time I go get dinner started!