I rented Crash to watch while on my Gazelle over the weekend, and I just had to mention it here in case anyone has been considering watching it and hasn't gotten around to it yet, go out and get it tonight! Although, I wouldn't recommend watching it while trying to work out, hysterical sobbing and exercise just don't mix well together, IMO. But, hey, whatever floats your boat, right? Anyway, the movie was profound and deeply moving, albeit disturbing all at the same time. I guess I say that because the different prejudices and stereotypes that we all secretly harbor are never more easily recognized than when they are so blatantly displayed in such a matter of fact way as in a movie like this. It was gripping, yet so hard to watch as each of the character's lives became intermingled in ways that you never would have given a second thought to otherwise. People can be so nonchalant about their words and actions, never even considering the affect they may have on those around them, or the chain reaction that it can start in each of those individual's lives as well. At any rate, I thought it was excellent and I highly recommend it. So go on, scoot on down to the movie rental place, I'll wait here while you go...

There, now isn't that better?! Tee hee, can you tell work's been a little slower today? Yeah, I really don't need to be left with too much time on my hands, not good! Oh, I almost forgot, I discovered a new found love for cauliflower over the weekend as well! I know, exciting stuff, huh? But really, I don't know what's gotten into me lately. I've realized that I'm turning into an actual veggie lover! OMG, say it ain't so! This sooooo isn't me, really, you have no idea the depths to which my utter distaste of anything veggie-like has previously run. Literally, the only veggies I would eat were celery (sometimes), carrots and corn, and I'm not even sure if corn still counts as an actual veggie or not anymore, but rather a starch! So how is it that I now crave things like cucumber, cauliflower, broccoli, and spinach? Who is this veggie lovin' freak that I've turned into?? I don't know, but it's totally weirding me out! Especially when I realize that my new idea of a binge is eating an entire head of cauliflower in one sitting, which I haven't actually done (yet), but sadly, think is entirely too possible. Good lord, my food issues never cease to amaze me. Now, in addition to my crazy food stuff, I seem to be completely insatiable lately as well. Not that I'm actually hungry per se, rather I just want to nibble and snack constantly! Definitely not a good thing, especially considering the way I've been trying to relax about my food lately. But seriously, I just can't seem to get enough! It's that damn cauliflower, I tell ya! JK! But it's other stuff too, like the fat free cool whip tub in the fridge has been calling to me, where usually I never even give it a second thought. Or the left over Oreo Cookie cake that me and Em made for the Thanksgiving at my SIL's that has been giving me pause like I've not experienced in quite a while. (which reminds me, I must remember to throw that damn cake out!) But I've always said that I feel lucky that I don't generally crave my old standard junk food much anymore, and I think the only reason I am starting to have problems with this is because I've been allowing myself more freedom with the types of foods I eat lately. So, you see my dilemma here? I can see that vicious little cycle, just waiting to draw me back in, and I'm worried because I can feel that I'm on a slippery slope here, just white knuckling my way through. Of course it may very well just be my perception of starting to lose control due to my conscious choice to try to be more "normal" with my eats. And we all know how much change tends to freak me out! So all of this crap could very well just be in my head, but one thing's for certain, I am definitely snacking/nibbling more than I used to, and I'm definitely struggling more because of it. That damn cycle, ugh!

In other news, I received a bit of disturbing information last night. My SIL called to tell me that my aunt (on my dad's side) has been diagnosed with advanced colon cancer, and will need a colostomy along with any other regular cancer treatments. My Papaw (my dad and aunt's father) was struck with this particular infliction as well, and since it apparently runs in families, her doctor is urging everyone from this side of the family to be tested also. Damn the crappy genes on my father's side of the family!! Needless to say, I'm begging my step-mother to make my father go for a colonoscopy regardless of his homophobic aversion to anyone or anything coming in close proximity to his rear-end. Have I mentioned that my father has "issues"? Yeah, so we'll just see how that goes. My SIL said she's also gonna make my brother go, even though he's still relatively young for such a test (31), but she's kinda freaky about this kind of stuff, so she'd rather be safe than sorry. I don't guess I can blame her for that, even though I'm sure my brother wouldn't even consider being tested now if it were soley up to him, but it's not so he'll do what he needs to in order to keep her sometimes freakily irrational fears at bay. Speaking of her irrational fears, I won't even get started on how she is when there's a threat of bad weather outside, that would take an entire post all by itself! But lemme just say, it ain't pretty!

Sorry if that last post was a bit confusing, my IL's did spend the night Wednesday, and then left Thursday afternoon. You didn't think I was gonna get out of it that easily, did you?? Anyway, Bub had his "talk" with Jim and tried to lay it all out, but like I said, Jim is old and set in his ways and he's pretty much gonna continue to do whatever the hell he wants do to, and rightly so! So, of course, Bub isn't nearly satisfied, (as if he ever truly could be) so it's going to continue to be a major issue between them which I'm sure will ultimately cause him to say screw it if he can't get his own way. So, here I am, back on the edge of my seat, wondering if I'm gonna get a phone call to come get him in the middle of the day, and just how much relentless yapping I'll have to endure about everything that's being done "wrong" at work. And you know what's really sad? I'm kind of relieved that the attention of how everything is being done wrong is more focused at work right now instead of at me. Good lord, that's so freakin' pathetic!

I do believe that he understands the importance of maintaining this job though, so I'm pretty sure he'll be willing to put up with more than he normally would because of it. I just hope they can find a happy medium before he flips his lid and says to hell with it, or before he just goes along with it and gets burned out on the whole "real job" idea altogether. Yuck, I hate uncertainty. We'll see what he has to say about how today went, 'cause you know I'm gonna hear alllllllll about it! Yippie!

My SIL's Thanksgiving in Russellville went off without a hitch on Saturday. Not a single negatively undertoned comment about my weight this year, yay! I think they've all finally gotten used to the fact that this is the way I am now, although, I suspect that they'll always be on the lookout for me to start gaining the weight back. But I can understand that, after all, it's only human nature.

The dinner was really good, and I found myself being much more indulgent than recent years past. It's taken me a really long time to accept that I needn't be nearly so ridged about my food anymore. But it's still so hard because my evil little inner fat chick is always right there just taunting me. C'mon, get as much as you really want, you know it won't hurt (much). And then that little control switch temporarily goes on the fritz while the hand to mouth mechanism shifts into hyper speed, and I suddenly realize that I've gone back for a little more of this and a little more of that, how many times?!!! Oh god, how easy it would be to just slip right back into my old ways! I can picture it happening, I am fully aware of it's possibility, and it scares the ever-lovin shit out of me. So much so that I am constantly questioning just where the line between "normal" eating and going a little too far must lie. And it's such a freakin' thin line that I have to remain ever diligent and conscious about my food choices, because if I don't, I'm leaping over that line for sure, and I just may never find my way back. So, on the one hand, I'm relieved that I've been able to loosen up a bit more, but on the other hand I can't help but feel fearful of just what that loosening up may mean for in in the future. God, I wish it could be easier than this, and perhaps it could be if I was different somehow. But I guess this is just the way it's got to be for me, and I guess I can live with that, even if I do want to bitch and moan about it from time to time. But if that's what it takes to keep this weight off and keep me from going back to a place that I'm not willing to ever go again, then so be it. If nothing else, about this I am totally clear.

Oh, the drama!

Bub's been causing drama at work. I guess it was really just a matter of time. You can't take a personality like his and throw it right in the middle of regular folk and expect it to not cause a ruckus. IMO, he's just gotten a bit too big for his britches, gee, who'dve thunk it? I've mentioned before that bossman (Jim) is expecting Bub to take things over upon retirement, and that he should assume a manager role on top of his regular lead developer duties. Which is all fine and dandy, 'cause you know how the boy loves to be in charge, but he takes this shit so damn literally that he now says he doesn't know if he can continue in the role unless Jim is willing to back off and let him have control over everything! Well, not everything, but I'm sure that's what it must feel like to Jim. Now, granted, Jim is micro-managing, but it is his company, and he's been running it all by himself for the last twelve years, so yeah, I guess he might be a little set in his ways! But you know Bub, it's his way or no way. So, of course, I'm scared to death that he's gonna strong arm his way right back into jobless (moneyless) hell, and frankly, I don't know if I can go back there again. Why does he have to be such a fucking prick? Things have been going so smoothly, and I've even let my guard down at bit and let myself start to get used to some consistency. Shame on me, I should have known better. Stuff like this is exactly why I've been sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop, because with him, I know it's usually too good to be true. All I want is a little freakin normalcy, is that really too much to ask? God, I sound so whinny, I hate that! But after this many years of never quite knowing what to expect, and knowing him the way I do, well, I can't help but be so damn paranoid! Anyway, he's having a "talk" with Jim today, to iron out his duties, procedures, and expectations, so we'll see how that goes. In the meantime, all he's wanted to do is talk and talk and talk about every single minute little detail of how things are being done incorrectly and what needs to change in order for him to continue on in this position. OMG! Just shut the hell up for five freakin minutes! All this while I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get prepared for Thanksgiving and the arrival of my in-laws. Then having to deal with him and my MIL push each other's buttons relentlessly, plus my MIL's, well... "issues", and cooking the whole dinner myself while trying to keep everyone entertained, well let's just say I'm finished! That's it, everyone leave me the hell alone!

Okay, I'm done now (taking deep breaths and counting to 10). The in-laws were sent packing yesterday afternoon, and not a moment too soon, IMO. And the rest of the day was spent listening to Bub go on and on about his job situation again before he finally broke so we could watch Survivor and the Apprentice in peace, thank god! Then I quickly excused myself off to bed (citing turkey day exhaustion) as soon as our shows were over in order to avoid anymore unnecessary discussion on the topic. So, whatever happens with Jim today happens, and I'll deal with it as it comes. All I can say is that he'd better do what ever it takes to keep this job, and keep in mind that sometimes it just simply takes a little go along to get along, KWIM? Dammit, I so don't need this right now!

Anyway, the turkey day dinner turned out pretty well. Everything got done at roughly the same time, which also just happened to be at approximately the time I had hoped to have it all done, so that was a relief! And it all tasted pretty darn good too, if I do say so myself! A little too good though, 'cause I think I ate too much, bleh! I had that icky over-full feeling that I've really grown to hate now for several hours afterwards, which only proved to remind me that I still have to keep this weight stuff in check every single day. But I was right back OP today, so all is well in my little world for the time being. Now I just have to make it through the mammoth buffet at my SIL's little shindig tomorrow and the coast should be clear until Christmas. So wish me luck, and may the force be with me!

Wow, I'm so freakin busy this week. I'm making myself take some time to journal, otherwise I'd never get to it! So I went and got a blow up bed so that my MIL could sleep in Em's bed and my FIL could sleep on that, both in Em's room. That way they won't be smack dab in the middle of the living room like they were for Christmas. I absolutely hated it when they did that last year because I get up at like 5:30, eat my Go lean Crunch (mmmmm, Go Lean Crunch!), drink my coffee and play on the puter- all in nice quiet solitude. And ya'll know how I am about routines, so when I don't have my morning "me" time, the whole rest of the day just goes to pot. Well not really, but dammit it sure does feel like it! Anyway, Em can just sleep with me and that way they have some privacy and I still have free reign over my house! Oh, BTW, my MIL took it upon herself to invite my estranged BIL and his wife to our joyous little festivities as well. NICE! At least they won't be spending the night if they do show up. Not sure if there will be enough food, mainly the turkey since I wasn't expecting more guests, but I figure, what the hell! If they're still hungry they can, by golly, march their free-loading butts on down to Denny's for the Grand Slam special!! Cause I refuse to stress over this shit more than what's absolutely necessary! Anyway, the week in general has just been too busy for my tastes. Em's out of school all week this year, instead of the normal three days off like usual. So we've been doing play dates with the girls (the two sisters who came over once a week all summer), Thanksgiving dinner and normal grocery shopping, cleaning, and all the other regular errands and such. Plus work this week really spiked, especially with the amount of stupid people who just now realized that they have a whole freakin year's worth of data entry they need to get caught up on in the next month, before the yearly reports are due out! Good grief, I don't feel like I have enough time for anything! And I really don't like it because I feel like some of my regular exercise has taken the back burner in the interest of time. Now I know that I don't need to do all the exercise I do, every single day, but I've grown accustomed to it this way, and well... it's that routine thing again, dammit! I also know that I don't need to make a habit of letting other stuff interfere with meeting my personal needs, but sometimes it's just inevitable, ya know? So I'm diligently trying to find an acceptable balance right now, during this time of increased stress and added responsibilities. And I'm sure I'll find that balance, but I just need to bitch and moan about it a bit more until I get there!

So, it looks like we've finally come to a conclusion about the mobile home thing. It was turning out to be too much of an ordeal, and frankly, a step that we just weren't quite ready for. We've decided to remain in the home we're currently renting, even though we could all use a bit more space, because of the cheap rent, our ability to keep sweet little Precious and the simple fact that we just don't want to freakin move again! (yeah, we've moved A LOT!) That way we can stay at the same cost of living while Bub's salary continues to increase, so we can save up to buy or build a regular house here in town that we really like. Plus, if I ever find an acceptable way out of this miserable marriage before that time comes, I won't be saddled with an unwanted mortgage on a house and piece of property that doesn't truly make me happy. So, that's our plan. To just sit back and bide our time. Plus, I won't have to deal with a whole lot of overwhelming change, 'cause we all know how much I love that! Anyway, I'm gonna have to cut this one short and get back to the "real world", but god I hope things settle down and get back to normal soon! But if I'm MIA for a bit, I'm either in jail for strangling Bub or my MIL, or I'm curled up in the bed with my head buried under the covers, and avoiding responsibilities!

DAMMIT!!

Well, Bub just called. Apparently my MIL just bypassed me completely and called him (at work) to invite herself and my FIL to spend the night with us for Thanksgiving. Of course he said okay without checking with me first 'cause, well... that's his mother, and it's not like I could have said no anyway, 'cause, well... that's his freakin mother! This is precisely why I made the point to tell her dinner would be early enough for them to drive back home by a reasonable hour in our previous conversation (see post below). Ugh. Well, if I wasn't depressed before, now I truly am. Yippy. Okay, off to pout and sulk now... >:(

Okay, so I'm definitely starting to freak about the upcoming holiday season. Oh, who am I kidding, I've been freaking! It's time to break into full list making mode so I can feel as though I have some sort of control and structure here. It's looks as though my in-laws will be driving down from their place in northern Arkansas (about a 3-4 hour drive) to spend Thanksgiving day with us. My MIL tried to pull her usual routine, first asking if we were going to come up there, even though they always come to our house for Thanksgiving. We stopped letting her make Thanksgiving dinner several years ago after the second bout of food poisoning brought on by her "excellent" cooking skills. Since she's slightly disabled, we told her that there's no sense in her going through all that trouble when I can do the whole thing myself. Thank god she bought that, or I don't think I'd be alive to talk about it today! Anyway, when I told her that we weren't coming up there, she automatically says that they probably won't even bother with a turkey this year since no one will be there. Basically she was just wanting an invitation to come here, despite the fact that we do the same damn thing every single year! Oh well, so I play along saying oh, don't you want to come to our house again this year, like you do every year? And she's like, Oh, I guess we could do that. As if the thought never even occurred to her! OMG, that woman is impossible! Then I make sure to tell her that we'll have the meal nice and early just so they'll have plenty of time to get back home after eating, visiting and playing our usual card games. I know, I'm bad! But, after they invited themselves to stay the night with us last Christmas, I always try to make sure that staying the night won't be necessary. There's only so much we can take of this woman before we're all pulling our hair out! She really is like a child, I can't even let her and Em play card or board games together, because they fight incessantly! She'll always try to change the rules or tell Em she's cheating when the game is not going her way. OMG, she's just too much! She also cheats when we (the adults) play cards (usually Conasta). She literally hides wild cards in her clothes under the table, and actually thinks that none of us know about it! But heaven forbid we actually say something about it, OMG it'd be freakin WWIII! It's just another one of the things we've learned to put up with form her in order to keep the peace, because I promise, this woman thrives on drama, and would live to make everyone's lives a living hell if we ever thought to stop indulging her in this little fantasy world she lives in. I've gotten to the point now where I've just accepted her the way she is, and I really try not to let her get under my skin. Unfortunately, Bub doesn't have nearly as much patience for her, so they tend to butt heads often. Gee, anyone wanna come to my house for Thanksgiving? Should prove to be enormously entertaining if our previous years experiences are anything to go on!

The Saturday after Thanksgiving, we always get together with my dad's side of the family here in Arkansas. It's usually a big todo at my SIL's house in Russellville (about 30-40 minutes northwest of here) with lots of extended family and an ungodly amount of food. Seriously, my stepmom, who used to own her own bakery, sets up those steam tray things that they use for catering and we make a ginormous buffet out of all the food, and then file through like a herd of cattle. And that's not even including the desserts, OMG, the desserts require a whole buffet table all to themselves! But I won't delve into the grotesque food porn here because, well... that's just plain wrong! I refuse to be held responsible for any pre-Thanksgiving binges! Anyway, my anti-social preferences mean that I could happily go without attending this annual get-together. I enjoy the company of my SIL and brother and their kids, but pretty much everyone else just kind of annoy me. I've mentioned my stepmom before, or the loud mouth of the south and my brother calls her. I swear that woman must love the obnoxious sound of her own voice since she seems incapable of shutting the hell up. My dad, on the other hand, has no backbone whatsoever, and rarely speaks without first going through every aspect of what he's about to say in his own mind to make sure it sounds just right, or to crack a corny joke, which is also carefully thought out before hand. I've nicknamed this obvious personality trait at "premeditated humor", and he's done it for as long as I can remember. And you know what's scary as hell? I see so many of his completely messed up thought processes in myself as well. Ahhh, I'm turning into my father! What ever happened to the idea that you're supposed to turn into your mother, whom I wouldn't mind emulating in the slightest. My brother got all of my mother's good traits, and I got stuck with my father's sucky ones. Growing up, people never believed that my brother and I were related, and believe me, he was perfectly fine letting them think we weren't! He was tall and slim, naturally good looking with good eyes. Smart, athletic, outgoing and always popular. But he did get his good teeth from dad. I, on the other hand, got the fat genes, and bad eyesight, was never particularly pretty even in the girl next door kind of way, (let's just say I never got the "you have such a pretty face, if only you could lose some weight" talk) shy and reserved, never made friends easily and was usually a social outcast being the "fat girl". I got his propensity for horrible migraine headaches and weak blood vessels in my nose which made for excruciatingly awkward moments when the blood would literally burst forth from my nose at the most inopportunely public moments. I also inherited his natural tendency toward hereditary diabetes, heart disease, and addictive/compulsive behavior. Along with his extreme lack of self-confidence and self-worth. And from my mother I was blessed with really bad teeth and bed wetting until an embarrassingly high age. But one good thing I got from my father is his naturally thick and healthy hair, for which I've always been immensely grateful. So anyway, you can see how I think I got the raw end of the deal with this family's genes. But oh well, such is life, and you gotta do the best with what you have, right? So enough bitching things I have no control over, let's move on shall we?

Anyway, this get-together at my SIL's is the same place where, right after I reached my goal of 150 lbs. two years ago, my father thought it appropriate to blurt out in front of everyone, "oh my god, you're anorexic!" You see, this is why his pre-meditated thinking can be a good thing, 'cause this is the kind of shit that just falls out of his mouth when he doesn't carefully consider what he's about to say. Needless to say, I was mortified, and more importantly, I was LIVID! As you all well know, I am not one for confrontation of any sort, but I simply could not let this one pass by. Especially since most of the family members there were and are still morbidly obese, and I certainly did not want to give the impression that my success was derived from any kind of an eating disorder. So what I did was to choose not to be around him for the rest of the day, because after all, I'm still not one for public displays of anything. And then I called him at home the next day and told him, in no uncertain terms, exactly how I felt about his hurtful and damaging comment. He apologized profusely and tried to make some lame excuses about not being used to seeing me so thin, so it was quite a shock. But I told him that being shocked or surprised does not give him permission to blurt out something so blatantly hurtful and wrong. I told him that this was not the sort of impression I wanted to make to the others. I wanted them to see that this really can be done in a healthy and productive manner, but his saying that has planted the seed in their minds now, and honestly you just can't un-ring a bell like that. No matter what his thinking or excuses, what he did was wrong and I made sure to tell him so. Whew! Not an easy conversation for me! But I'm glad I did it, and even now, it's still one of my proudest memories. On a side note, my obnoxious stepmom also saw fit to take this same opportunity to ask me if I had cancer and wasn't telling anyone, because I surely must be sick to lose so much weight! Of course, I expected this sort of thing from her, so I was able to let that one roll off my back because it was just so typical of something she would say.

Anyway, seeing as how I've wandered completely off my initial topic of upcoming holiday woes, and dove straight into my own personal pity party for one, I'll save my save my rant about the dreaded Christmas shopping madness that is yet to come for some other day. So, merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! HO! HO! HO! Awww, forget about it, BAH! Hey, at least I tried to get in the spirit, right? ;D

Good grief, sorry for the extended ramble!

Saturday...

Well, we have a busy day planned. More perusing of mobile homes, lunch out after that (Chili's?), then off to Little Rock to finally let Em use the Build-A-Bear gift certificate she got from Grandma Jan on her birthday in September! I know, bad mommy! We finally just had to schedule it, or we never would have gotten around to it. She's way excited and I'm sure it will prove to be tons of fun. The shop is located in the mall, so I figure we'll check out the various mall attractions while there. Then the rest of the gang is talking about catching a movie afterwards, but I don't know if I'm up for that much excitement in one day, so we'll see! About the mobile home search, we're really seriously considering trying to find a way around our towns' stupid ordinances against placing them within city limits. Perhaps it may be as simple as laying a permanent foundation, which we would have done anyway, regardless of where we put it, but only research will tell. Of course, this isn't anything we'll be doing anytime soon, as our credit is so completely hosed. But with the newfound stability in Bub's job, my hope is that we can start pulling ourselves out of this black hole of debt, and begin working toward the future. Have I mentioned lately how much of a relief it is to know that we have enough money to pay the bills coming in consistently and reliably? OMG, I just can't get over it! And Bub LOVES the job too! He's totally given up all ideas of trying to start his own business as a main source of income anymore, and is perfectly content to stay right here, working to serve as his boss's right hand man. Which is exactly what Jim (his boss) is grooming him to be. He (Jim) has plainly stated, in no uncertain terms, that he fully expects Bub to take over and completely run the joint upon his retirement in a few years. And Bub has totally stepped up to the plate, fully embracing the responsibility, as it fits so perfectly with his drive for efficiency and being in charge. It's amazing how quickly he's moved into this much of a lead position in such a short amount of time (approx. 6 weeks now). In fact, Jim rarely does anything or makes any decisions at all without first consulting Bub on it. I guess I always figured his anal-retentiveness and intensity had to be good for something, right? Yeah, just so long as it's more directly concentrated at work, instead of at us! And he's all about being a team player too, he's nothing if not a truly loyal and goal oriented employee. Which, of course, goes a very long way in Jim's eyes.

Later Saturday...

I had to quit earlier to get going on our planned outings, so now I'm back to finish up. The mobile home search went pretty well. We got a lot of good ideas for how we would design our own floorplan. We've never found one plan that fully fits our wants and needs, and since they offer customized floor plans and can do pretty much anything you want, we figure we'll just design our own so we can have it all. If we do end up doing this, we are gonna go all out. I mean dream kitchen, sheet-rock walls throughout, built on garage, real foundation, the whole shebang. It sure was fun dreaming about all the cool amenities like a walk in pantry and jet tub in the bathroom, ahhh... someday! Of course, I would still prefer a built house over pre-fab, but at this point it seems pretty unrealistic considering how much a built house like we want would cost. We're guessing like 3X as much! Oh well, all of this is still so far in the future that who know what may actually happen when it comes time.
Anyway, after that was lunch at Chili's where I had a huge grilled chicken salad, and got very full! Then we headed off to Little Rock, to the Build-A-Bear place at the mall. OMG, the place was freakin packed! I just couldn't believe how many people were there. Who ever came up with this idea must be absolutely raking in the dough! So we got in line and Em picked out a cute white bear with a pink nose. We were sure she would pick out a kitty since she is sooooo kitty crazy, but she said she has enough kitties and wanted this instead. Then we waited in the line for like half an hour before we finally made it up to the stuffing station where they stuffed the little bear full of white fluff. Next, they had Em pick out a little red heart, make a wish on it and kiss it twice before stuffing it into the bear's butt, and then pulling the strings to close it up. Next was the shining station where she brushed off all the stray fur and fluff, and then on to pick out some stylin' clothes to ensure the little bear's fashion diva status. They have everything you can imagine, right down to tiny little pink panties, with a hole cut out in the butt for the tail, of course. After we got her dressed we went over to the naming station where we filled out a birth certificate and gave the bear a name; Snow White. Don't ask, that was all Em's idea! Then they boxed it up, handed us a printed birth certificate, and told us the damage; $42 and some change! Whoooo! We knew we had $40 to work with on the gift certificate, so we really only ended up shelling out a couple of bucks, thank you Grandma Jan!! Em is so happy with her little bear, she even made a special spot on her bed for it right after we got home. In fact, it's sitting next to her right now, as the kids are watching yet another Star Wars movie. Yup, I talked them out of going to the theater tonight, opting for a movie at home instead, yay!! I really don't enjoy going out to the movies very much because we have to sit so close to the screen due to Bub's limited vision. I usually end up with a crick in my neck and a nasty headache. Plus, it's just so ridiculously expensive! Why would I want to pay that much just to end up feeling like crap afterwards? No thank you! We do actually go to the movies quite a bit, but usually just to the dollar theater in North Little Rock. But the kids wanted to see Zathura this time, so I promised we could go to the local theater on Sunday, rather than trying to cram it all in today.

Sunday now...

We went and saw Zathura. It was pretty good and action packed as far as more kid friendly movies go, which I don't typically tend to enjoy, but that's what you do when you're a mom. After that we went scouting around for different places we could possibly put a mobile home. God, I hate doing crap like that with Bub! He so freakin rigid and exacting. He seems to be stuck on the idea of setting up in a mobile home park, and while it's a really nice one, it's still a mobile home park and that's just not what I want. But he wants decisions and specific criteria for what I do and don't want. And I'm thinking we're not doing this next month or even next year, so what's the problem with just exploring all of our options including possibly purchasing a frame house that may not have all the nice amenities like we want. The point is to get out of renting, but with him it's like signing my life away. He wants me to make decisions about things that I'm still unsure of, and then he'll be able to hold me to what ever I say. So of course I'm wishy washy about this because I don't want him to be able to use something I was pressured into against me later on. Arghhhhh! Anyway, I just get to the point where I don't want to buy anything with the jerk, and I just want him to leave me the fuck alone! Dammit, it was a long freakin day. And then he holds me in this never ending conversation for so long that we end up having to go out to eat again because it's now so late that I can't possibly make anything suitable enough by a reasonable time. Double arghhhh! We ended up going to Ryan's, which is a huge family style buffet, because we had a certificate for a free meal and drink for Em. So it only cost about 20 bucks, but still, after Chili's on Saturday and the regular movies (not dollar theater) today, we've spent like a hundred bucks this weekend, pretty much all on crap! OMG, I have such issues with wasteful spending, it's not even funny! I guess I should just be grateful that we had the money to waste, but I certainly don't want to make a habit out of this.

Monday...

Okay, it's Monday now. I guess I better post this thing 'cause I fear I'm even putting myself to sleep. Just on a side note, I'm feeling quite blah today. In fact, I really started to notice it Sunday, and maybe even as early as Saturday. I just don't want to deal with anything or do anything. It's times like this that I wish I could just curl up somewhere cozy and warm, free of distractions, no responsibilities or obligations, and just be. I think it's due to a cumulation of various overwhelming ideas and tasks looming ominously over my head. Pressure from Bub on this house thing, when in all honesty, I'd rather not live with him at all, let alone purchase a home with him! Plus, the upcoming holiday season and all the stress and money involved with that. I'm not one of those holiday spirit, decorating and gift buying with tradition and pleasure kind of people. (gee, ya think?!) Truthfully, I wouldn't bother with it at all if I didn't have a child and think it was expected of my by others. I think I would be perfectly happy skipping right on past all the major holidays without a bit of remorse if I thought I could get away with it. Wow, don't I sound like tons of fun? Yeah well, bah humbug! ;D No really, it's just too much for me. Or I let it (or make it) be too much for me, rather. Anyway, my point is that I'm really starting to feel the effects of my gloominess setting in, and I just don't want to get lost in it, as I tend to do. This is a dangerous state of mind for me, and it's definitely not where, how, or who I want to be. Sometimes I just need to pull myself together, tell myself to knock this nonsense off, put a big 'ol smile on and just gitter done. At least for Em's sake anyway, no reason for her to have to miss out just because I'm one messed up 'ol scrooge!

You know what's interesting? The comment Sandi made in my last post about being excited to move on to the next phase as far as this weight thing not being so all-consuming anymore. I don't think I ever really thought about it from that perspective, that naturally moving past this way of being would be a good thing and something to look forward to. Here I am complaining about being sick of this whole aspect of my life, when all along, I should have been rejoicing at the idea that maybe I really can move past it, and not have every single thing in my life wrapped up in it in one way or another, as it always has been. So thank you for putting it into that perspective for me Sandi, you've shown me yet another way that my sometimes sour and pessimistic attitude can negatively affect my thinking.

Well I tried on a few things at Walmart the other day. I swear, the lady who mans the fitting room desk must think I'm absolutely obsessed with clothes! It seems I'm trying something on just about every time I go in there! No, it's really not that bad, but I do wonder what she must be thinking when she sees me trudging up there with an armload of various sized and styled clothes. Yeah, I'm still trying to figure out my "style", well really, I'm just trying to find anything that covers my overhang and jiggliness appropriately! Anyway, today's mission was to locate turtlenecks. And can I just say, I FREAKIN HATE TURTLENECKS! I despise anything that clings too closely to my neck, it makes me feel as though I'm suffocating, which is also why I never wear necklaces either. But I tried some on anyway, 'cause I have to do something to fight against the bone-chilling, mind-numbing cold of the coming fall and winter, here in the frigid Deep South! Yeah, I know, I don't have any idea what frigid really is, but damn, it sure feels cold to me! I can't imagine how I'd ever survive if I lived in a more northern location; Jilly, I don't see how you do it babe! Good grief, I wonder if I'll ever be able to regulate my body temperature normally again. Anyway, while I was there, (not buying stupid, clingy turtlenecks) I spotted another lady looking through the clearance racks (cause you know that's where I stopped first!) who was about my size... well, I guess my old size anyway. Hmmm, I also have to wonder if I'll ever stop automatically thinking of or seeing myself as a 300 lb. woman? Cause lemme tell ya, all my regular fat girl jokes and comments (aimed only at myself, of course) don't go over too well in a crowd anymore! Yikes! Anyway, this woman was wearing the most hideous blouse I've seen in quite a while, and I couldn't help but feel completely mortified for her! Now, I'm sure she thought she was just da bomb, one smokin hot, plus sized momma, but honestly, I would have taken issue with this blouse on anyone, regardless of their size. Anyway, it basically looked like she had taken an oversized (ugly) handkerchief, draped it over one shoulder, and tied it together just below the armpit of the other arm. So it was pretty much open and freely exposing flesh and body parts that IMO just aren't meant to be seen in public. Now, I guess a super skinny, small busted, jiggle-free, roll-less girl with very high self-esteem could probably get away with something like this, in the appropriate setting, of course. But rifling through the clearance racks at Walmart on a Tuesday afternoon, and on an obviously morbidly obese woman, well... it just doesn't work! And I don't care how politically incorrect it may be, every single one of you knows exactly what I'm talkin 'bout! You know, like fat chicks in spandex- it's not pretty and just shouldn't be done! And I have absolutely no qualms saying so because I've been that fat chick in spandex (you know you've done it too, so don't even try to deny it!) and frankly, I may never be able to forgive myself for it. I'm sure you'll agree, the 80's were a dark period in all our lives. ;D Anyway, I was just dyin for her, I mean what was she thinking? But I have to give the girl credit for having the confidence to just be herself and let it all hang out like that, regardless of tight-ass prudes like me inwardly cringing at such a gruesome display of public indecency. I mean, in a way I envy her. I only wish I had that kind of confidence. Of course that doesn't mean I'd ever be caught dead in her ugly-ass handkerchief thingy, or a string bikini, or anything else of that nature, 'cause I'd still be just as big a prude regardless of my confidence level, but you get my drift. You know that chick must have thought she looked damn gooooood, and more importantly felt good, and sexy too. So my question is, how do some women just exude confidence and sexiness? Is it inherently a part of their core personality, or is it learned through years of trial and error and a life well lived? I guess I'm wondering if it's possible that I could ever have been that girl, or is it just not in me to let it all hang out and live my life on my own terms, regardless of what others may think of me? Knowing me, I highly doubt it. I can't imagine that I would ever just not be concerned with the opinions and judgments of those around me. It's not in my nature. But again, how did this come to be "my nature"? Why is it that each of us are born with distinct and individual personalities, likes and dislikes, sexual preferences, etc. And what exactly is it that determines each of these traits in us? Could I somehow have re-trained myself to be a confident, vibrant woman, despite my natural tendency towards just the opposite? And if, indeed, I could have done so, I wonder if it can still be done now?

Holy crap! You know what I just realized? There's nothing in the world saying that any one of my customers couldn't find and read this blog at any time. Yikes! So much for freakin anonymity! I really don't know what I'm thinking sometimes, duh!

Anyway, things are getting a little hectic around here. It's not too bad yet, but I am finding I have less and less time for the things I enjoy doing throughout the day. But like I've said, I really can't complain, I just need to get more proficient at multitasking. So, I've been kicking a topic around in my head for a while now, but I'm not sure if I'll have the time to expound on it as much as I would like. But here goes nuttin...

I've been feeling as though I'm moving away from the all consuming nature that this whole weight loss/maintenance ideal has taken for so long in my life. Like I'm almost tired of even thinking or talking about it anymore. My life has always been about being fat, or getting skinny, that's all there ever was to it. And now, I feel as though I'm over it already. My lifestyle is just that; a lifestyle. It doesn't require a tremendous amount of work, or at least I don't perceive there to be since I'm used to it now, and have accepted the way I must live in order to be healthy. So, what I do on an everyday basis, with regards to my weight maintenance, is really just not that big of a deal to me anymore, and frankly, I'm tired of allowing this one aspect of my life to define who I am. I mean, even here, sometimes I feel bad for not writing more about the impact my weight loss has had on me because that really was one of the main purposes of this blog to begin with. But I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to sit down and write about this stuff because I'm honestly just tired of it being such a big deal in my life. Everyone else in my life is over it, yet I feel the need to stay present with my inner fat chick, always over-analyzing every little detail of my struggle with this lifelong addiction. But I'm tired of thinking about it, tired of writing about it, tired of living with it. I don't necessarily mean to bitch, oh woe is me and all that crap, but I guess it's just my underlying desire to somehow be "normal" in my abnormal world. I don't want my legacy to be about the fat girl who lost a bunch of weight, and that's it. I understand that it's inherently a part of who I am, but it's not all that I am, not by a long shot. So what's the freakin problem then, right? The problem is, that as it stands right now, being the fat girl who lost a bunch of weight is my only legacy. It really is the only noteworthy thing I've ever done besides produce my beautiful Emmy, and that was merely by chance. I've always toyed with ambitions of greatness, but never really found it. I get ideas and start things, only to never follow through. I know, I know, I followed through on my weight loss, but I really don't know why this ended up being any different than everything else I've started and never completed. I realize that I didn't just get lucky and stumble upon my success, but I don't know why or how my mind-set shifted in a way to allow this success. So I certainly feel lucky, but I still can't explain it.

Anyway, I guess my point (in the interest of time 'cause I have so much freakin work to do!) is that I feel I'm starting to shift away from the role I've been playing for so long, but since I don't have another role to replace it, I'm kind of at a loss for what to do next. I think I really just need to get my act together and start figuring out who I really am now, or at least who want to be, without my fatness or thinness, or general state of health being all that defines me. Maybe that's what I was really getting at in starting and naming this blog to begin with. Yup, that right there is what it all really comes down to; finding Beverly

Well, the wedding was laughable at best. The bride's family refused to attend, the bride asked me and another guest to take pictures with disposable cameras since the people who were supposed to do it never bothered to show up either, and one of the bridesmaids just didn't come, so the bride snatched an acquaintance out of the audience who she thought might fit the dress! OMG! And then the feeble old preacher halfheartedly fumbled through the ceremony, really only perking up as he expounded on how the wife is to always submit to the husband, and the husband apparently has to answer to no one except god. I literally had to stop myself from laughing out loud at the absurdity of it all. Anyway, my Emmy did beautifully as the flower girl, of course! But she was extremely nervous and forgot to start spreading the flowers when she first began walking. Poor thing, she just beats herself up for things she thinks she messed up on. She kept asking if it was okay and if anyone noticed. I tried to reassure her as much as possible, and tell her she did wonderfully, but she was still quite disappointed with herself regardless. Bub didn't think about the fact that as the best man, he'd be expected to make a speech, and of course, was completely unprepared. Is it so awful of me that I quite enjoyed seeing him so unsure of himself?! Tee hee, I treasure these little moments! Especially after the reaming I got for getting lost on the way to the church, ugh! In fact, this whole week has been a pretty stressful one. We've been moving all the left over inventory and other crap from the failed computer store, trying to shuffle it around as best we can until we get it all liquidated, and to be quite honest, we simply cannot move things together. But he had no one else to help him, so it was up to us to get it done. I won't go into details, but knowing how completely opposite our brains obviously work, I'll just say that this kind of stuff is never pretty, and I usually try to avoid these situations at all cost. Now, I know what you must be thinking, that I've given up on trying to stand up for myself more and speak my mind, but that's really not the case. It's more of a matter of knowing when to let things go, and choosing my battles. I'm working on baby steps here, and since this week has not been a typical one, with all the moving and stuff, I thinks it's best to concentrate on the every day issues before trying to tackle the less occasional problems. So, by no means are things great, or even a little good, but I am working on it one day at a time.

Anyway, the kids are busy watching Star Wars, so I'm taking a little me time on the computer while I have the chance. I typically don't get the time or privacy I need to blog on the weekends, so I'm enjoying this little reprieve. Once again, it seems that I could come up with something a little more interesting to write about, but I'm still not in much of an introspective mood. That probably explains why I haven't worked much on this book I'm supposed to be writing either. It seems that I'm just unmotivated to work on it lately, choosing instead to put it off in favor of completing much more mundane tasks. I believe I go through cycles of motivation and inspiration, which would also explain my lack of posting at 3fc in recent weeks too. Well, that and the fact that things are picking up with work, and when I don't feel I have enough time to devote the kind of energy I think it deserves to all the posts I want to respond to, I tend to get overwhelmed and simply start lurking instead. But I'm sure I'll be back in full force, once I get through this latest cycle. Unfortunately, the work stuff is only going to get worse until well after the beginning of the year. In case no one recalls, I work from home as the technical support person for an internationally sold, church management software called MinistryWare. It's main purpose is to keep track of church members, and more importantly, their monetary contributions. So the end of the year is when reports must be printed and handed out regarding their giving for the year, so they can claim it on their taxes. And lemme just tell ya, all those little old ladies who have absolutely no business even looking at a computer, have the unique ability to make my life a living hell, come time for reports. As I always like to say, you just can't fix stupid! But for some reason, I have this uncanny ability to patiently and compassionately walk them through the program time, and time again, regardless of their actual ability to use it. I really don't know where it comes from either, since I don't have nearly this much patience in "real" life, but I make it work some how. Anyway, it's a cushy-ass job that pays way more than what it's really worth, especially during the slow months. So I'll just continue to count my blessings and be thankful for what I have, even if it means putting up with a few pretty crappy months every year. Like I've said before, it's a small price to pay for the incredible amount of freedom I enjoy with this job, and I wouldn't want it any other way. Well... I guess I could live with becoming filthy rich and never having to work again, but I digress!

Anyway, the movie is almost over, so I guess I'm outta here for today. Good grief, now I gotta figure out what the hell I'm gonna make for dinner! Nooooooo! ;D

We have a wedding to go to tonight. Bub's former employee asked him to stand in as his best man because he's a loser and has no real friends, so Bub begrudgingly accepted, thinking that the relationship would never last (long story there) and he wouldn't actually have to attend. Well, guess what? Yup, and they asked Emmy to be the flower girl as well, so of course, she's totally pumped and thinks this will be loads of fun! I, on the other hand, am so completely anti-social, that I am just dreading the event and hoping it will be over with quickly. It will be fun to see Em having so much fun and all dressed up though. I got her a lovely blue and lavender (lavender being the wedding color) floral print dress from a local consignment shop (for $6.00!!), and fashioned a pretty little purple headband with lavender silk flowers attached all around. Too cute!

I also picked up some new shorts from the clearance racks at Walmart yesterday for only $3.00 (ya gotta love the clearance racks at Walmart!). I had been on the lookout for some long, thigh covering, stretch denim shorts all summer long, but never quite found what I was looking for. These weren't exactly what I wanted either, but for 3 bucks, I just couldn't pass 'em up. They're from the junior section, so they're a little more "low ride" than I would normally like, but I always wear long shirts so I don't think my granny panties poking out of the top will be too much of a problem. They also came with an ugly black belt, which I quickly discarded, blek! I'm definitely not a belt girl. Maybe some day, if I ever get this skin removed, and actually wear something revealing enough for a belt to show, well I guess then we'll talk. But then I'd have to get rid of the granny panties too, wouldn't I? Eh, forget it then!

It's been a pretty quiet day around here. Some idiot cut through important cables or something with a backhoe, so all of my work email and website stuff is completely down, and has been since yesterday. Since most of my work is done via email and the internet, there's not really a whole lot to do until it gets fixed. Most of the calls I'm taking are spent telling the user how I can't actually help them, and asking them to please call back on Monday. I'm guessing Monday will be totally hectic, trying to play catch up in order to compensate for this down time, YIPPY! Hmmmm, I'm feeling a bit cynical today, could you tell?! ;D Anyway, I wish I had something more interesting to talk about, especially since I'm trying to pass the time, but I'm not much in one of those profoundly inspiring moods to ramble about my life choices or losing weight and maintenance. I seem to bounce back and forth between these things a lot, just depending on what mood I'm in at the time. Some days I'm thinking up stuff to write about left and right, and find it difficult to get everything I want to say out before I forget it. And other days, I'm doing good just to come up with one boring 'ol pointless topic. I don't guess it matters though, since this is just a space for me to ramble about what ever happens to be in my head, whether there's something worthwhile floating around in there or not!

Anyway, I think I'm gonna close for now, as I must mentally prepare myself for this ridiculous wedding tonight. JK! I really just don't have anything else of interest to say. Man! Do I need a freakin hobby or what?! ;D

First things first, here's my ghostly girl all dressed up for some icky, drizzly, nasty trick 'r treating in the rain. But hey, a little rain isn't enough to get between my girl and her chocolate, after all, she is my daughter! (Never mind my messy clutter in the background!) So we went out, despite the rain, for about 1 1/2 hours, well 1 hour trick 'r treatin, 1/2 hour wandering around the neighborhood, aimlessly searching for our lost car! Next year, we've vowed to get a freakin map of this massive neighborhood. Because, in all honesty, this wasn't the first time we lost our car here on Halloween! I know, I know, I never said I was the sharpest tool in the shed! Anyway, I almost thought we weren't gonna get to go for a couple of reasons. Number one, the rain of course, it was coming down pretty hard all day, but let up to a drizzle right around dinner time. Number two is that my goofy daughter took it upon herself to absolutely gorge on candy and treats at their school party today, and came home with a big 'ol headache and an upset tummy. Luckily, she's learned a very valuable lesson based on the concept that just because it's there, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to, or should eat it all, however it did make for a very unpleasant afternoon and evening. But she was determined not to miss out on one of her favorite days of the year, so she toughed it out and got over the crummy feeling quickly when it came down to actually getting dressed up and starting the hunt for free candy! Anyway, we had fun and her costume was a big hit, plus she really hauled in a ton of candy since everyone had an overabundance of it due to the rain induced low turnout of trick 'r treaters. But she did opt not to eat any more of the sweet stuff after having made herself so sick earlier. When we got home we dumped out her loot on the living room floor to check out all the good stuff she got, and we separated what she would keep for herself and what would be given to daddy. Hers was pretty much anything chocolate or peanut butter, and all the tootsie rolls, and his was just about everything else! Ahhh, she so has my taste in candy! I even stole one of the little mini tootsie rolls for myself, and enjoyed the sweet indulgence that I rarely let myself have. I am happy to say that the presence of candy (especially the good stuff like snickers, reeses pb cups, butterfingers, etc.) no longer have the same hold on me as it once did. I think I've accepted the fact that I just can't eat that kind of stuff if I want to maintain a healthy lifestyle, so it's best to not even get started, because if I do then it's all downhill from there. And I'm okay with that because I really don't crave this stuff like I used to, and it's a small price to pay to keep myself in check. I also want to point out how truly grateful I am that I really don't struggle with these kind of cravings very much anymore. I know that I must be in the minority on this one, and I often wonder if I would have been able to stick with this, were that not the case.

Anyway, I guess I'd better move on since this is turning into a feakin book here, and I still have more to write about. I still have some bragging to do on my gifted, intelligent, beautiful daughter, for the contest she entered and won last week! The bank where she has her little savings account, put on a pumpkin decorating contest and invited all the kids to enter. They provided the pumpkins and the kids were supposed to decorate (not carve) them however they wanted to. It was split up into three age categories, and her design took first place in the 6-9 yr. category! Here's some pics of her pumpkin and of some of the competition:
Hmmmm, did you notice how her pumpkin's face looks suspiciously like SpongeBob? Yeah, she's a nut-head! But hey, she must have done something right, 'cause she won first place, which BTW, happens to be a hundred bucks!! Yeah, that's right, $100.00, can you believe that? Lemme just tell ya, it made her day! We put most of the prize money right into her savings account but we did keep out $20.00 so she could get something special at Walmart. A new Bratz doll, of course! What else? Oh, BTW, the hat her pumpkin is wearing is the very one she made and wore for hat day at school last week, isn't it cute?!

Also, a little more bragging and then I'm done, I promise!! We had Em's parent teacher conferences last night, and both her regular teacher and her gifted and talented teacher gave her rave reviews. Their only concern was her reluctance to speak up in group discussions, which she gets from me of course, always concerned how others perceive her. But other than that she is doing wonderfully. She's struggling a bit with some of the new math concepts they've imposed this year, but her overall math grade was still a 98%, so no worries there. Her reading, writing, and spelling grades were outstanding and way above grade level. In fact, her core teacher, Mrs. French, explained that she has never once given such high scores to a student in the first nine weeks, as she did for Emily, in all her years of teaching. She thinks Em is well on her way to becoming the aspiring author she dreams to be. I also love how Mrs. French calls Em out on her sneakiness and reluctance to ask questions when she's not sure of things. Em is always a fabulous student, as long as she's not getting caught doing something she shouldn't, which almost always revolves around talking at inappropriate times or being catty with the other girls. But there's no fooling Mrs. French as she's done with all of her previous teachers! That's one sharp lady, and I am liking her a lot. Anyway, she did great for the first grading period, so we're gonna figure some sort of fabulous reward to further demonstrate just how proud we are of her. And she's gonna get to work on trying to speak up more in a group. I told her that her thoughts and opinions are just as important as anyone else's, and they need to be heard. And not to worry about what others may think of her, 'cause they're all just as busy worrying about what everyone else is thinking of them anyway, so who cares?! She says she's gonna try, so we'll see how that goes. Anyway, I think that's it for now, I guess I better get some actual work done sometime today, ugh?!

Whiskers

Whiskers is sick, very sick. She's always been skinny, even though she eats constantly, but this week she's drastically skinnier. About two weeks ago she had a bout with vomiting, which passed in a few days so I chalked it up to her getting into something she shouldn't have. Since then she's been eating regularly, yet she seemed to be losing weight. We had some Nutrical stuff left over from when Precious was sick, which is basically like Ensure or something, but it's a calorie rich paste that you add into the food. So I've been giving her that to try to fatten her up, but there really hasn't been much change. Then, yesterday, I walked into the bathroom, where her litter box is located, and found her laying down in the litter. I picked her up and set her down on the floor and she just kind of laid over to one side. So I brought her to the couch and set her down on a pillow, where she stayed for several hours. I brought her food and water, which she eagerly ate and drank, but still continued to lay in the same spot. Once, when Bub opened a can of Spaghettios in the kitchen, she tried to jump up and run in there, being the absolute food whore that she is, but she was too weak and just laid back down. She did eventually make her way into the kitchen slowly, but I took her back to the couch so that she would be more comfortable. Anyway, this morning there was no change. I brought her more food and water and she did eat a little. And I also took her to the litter box thinking that she surely must need to use it, and she did, but she could only barely hold herself up. So, I took her to the vet after that and he called a little bit ago with some bad news. He thinks she's in liver failure due to what could possibly have been a birth defect that is only just now catching up with her and causing her to deteriorate. He said he could try to help her if we want him to, but he thinks she has very little chance and recommends euthanasia.

Continuation...

It's Tuesday now, yesterday was just too busy to finish up my post, and a lot has happened since then. Bub took off work early so we could go speak with the vet in person and make a decision about Whiskers. It was heartbreaking, but after considering the vet's recommendation and explaining Whiskers' dire situation to Em, we collectively came to the decision to let our dear, sweet kitty go. We removed her collar to remember her by and we each said our goodbyes with lots of love and kisses sweet words whispered into her ears. We gave the vet the go ahead and allowed our loving kitty to pass peacefully and painlessly off to sleep. I think it hurt the wonderful, caring staff at the vet's office almost as much as it did us, as they've grown to know and love Whiskers as well. But we all knew it was for the best, and their somber, heartfelt condolences were greatly appreciated. I must remember to drop a thank you note in the mail for them ASAP.

I like to think that we were able to give Whiskers a more satisfying and loving end to her life than the one she would have experienced had she remained a stray. I hope she could tell just how much she was truly loved, and that we will miss her dearly. Em is handling it okay, but she has asked me not to talk about it yet. I guess she wants some time to process it in her own way, or perhaps, pretend it never even happened? I dunno, but if she doesn't bring it up, then I'll prompt her about it in a few days, 'cause I don't think she should try to keep it all bottled up inside. I'll be gentle, and I'll give her some time like she requested, but I think she needs to get her feelings out, so we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. As for now, we are thankful that we decided to keep our sweet little Precious; I think her presence will do wonders for easing the pain of losing Whiskers, and help to fill the void that her passing has left. So, that's it for now. I'm gonna start a whole other post about Halloween and Em's pumpkin decorating contest because I don't feel it belongs in this one, so stay tuned, more is soon to come!