Em’s been with Bub for a few days so I’m all alone and I must admit I’m feeling somewhat blue. Not sure why but I’ve been re-living stuff and it hasn't been fun. It was super bad Wednesday night, I couldn’t sleep, and my mind wouldn’t let me rest. Rehashing old crap, feelings, and events from the Bubba years. It sucks when you can’t get out of your own head long enough to get a decent night’s sleep. I’m okay though, its just stuff. I've been watching movies, reading and listening to music to pass the time. I went to see I Am Legend today, fantastic! I'm dying to read the book by Richard Matheson now, which I probably should have done first, but oh well, its too late now. I'm reading A Time To Kill by John Grisham and The Odessa File by Frederick Forsyth right now, I also read The Afghan by Forsyth a few weeks ago which I would highy recommend as well. And then I have The Waitress rented for tonight, which I have a feeling will be difficult for me to watch, but I seem intent on torturing myself that way, so there you have it. My baby returns home tomorrow (Saturday), thank goodness. Then perhaps things can get back to normal and I can stay outta my head for a while. We'll see...

Em called me on the sly last night upset, she feels badly for new chick because, as she put it, things are exactly the same for her as they were for me. She told me how daddy talks at new chick for hours and she just says yes dear blankly or curls up in a ball. The only difference is that he sometimes does his “talking” in their room with the door closed (he didn’t typically bother to hide it when lecturing me) and that they smooch afterwards (something we never did for the last 10 years or so). She even feels a little bad for Bub since she knows he’ll have to go through another breakup eventually, but not too bad because he’s doing this to himself. She’s a smart one that girl. But mostly she’s sad for new chick because she likes her and she’s seen first hand what Bub can do to a person. Em knows new chick has been through some pretty bad relationships and she says it’s not fair that she’ll have to go through it again with daddy. She doesn't deserve another mean man momma, it’s not fair. No baby, it’s not fair.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

That silly boy continues to make me smile. He’s still living abroad (returning home to Vancouver in January) and had a day trip with family planned for xmas today (its already xmas day there). He checked in with me just now and told me how he’d rather be spending the holiday with Em and I just hanging out and doing xmas stuff together. What a fun, lovely thought… *blush*

I ran into a dear friend from my old telemarketing job on Friday. This girl has always held a special place in my heart. When I met her she was so young and had just given birth to her first baby. Her longtime boyfriend was this horrible, entitled, lazy, drug-abusing boy of a man who treated her like absolute crap and I so desperately wanted to help her, or to save her, or… I dunno. She was so sweet and vulnerable, and with anyone but him so vibrant and strong. With him, she was like me with Bub except worse because he hit her and was into drugs and not holding down a job apparently. Oh how I tried to make her see that she deserved more than this life with him. Just like how you all tried to make me see that I deserved more than my life with Bub. Which is funny because I was still deeply ensconced in my resolve to stick it out with Bub at the time of our meeting and subsequent friendship. This was before my blog and all of you, so even though I couldn’t yet see any hope for me, I was able to recognize how wrong it was for another to live that way and I tried to help her. She went through ups and downs. The baby was taken away and placed with family for a period because of domestic abuse and drug use by the dad. He explained it all away of course, cuz that’s what they do, and so she stayed. She stayed and made it work, taking the weight of the world on her shoulders, trying to please everyone, and to be the best mom she could once she proved herself worthy once again. My god how we rejoiced that day; that sweet, beautiful little baby back in her mother’s arms where she rightfully belonged. I cried the day she was taken and I cried the day she was returned. There was a pregnancy scare the next year. I took her to get a test and thankfully it came out negative. He refused to use contraceptives and the last thing this confused girl needed was another person to take care of. I did what I could, perhaps more than I should have, yet on she stayed never quite convinced that it could be any other way. As with anything, this was something that she had to decide for herself, and that decision never came. She eventually left the job and left town and we lost touch. I eventually left the job too yet I continued to think and wonder about her, hoping that she was safe and happy somehow. I saw her once the next year, a brand new baby boy in tow, same dad, I knew that nothing had changed. And then there she was in Wal-Mart, baby girl now 4 years old, and baby boy now two. There she was, happy and smiling and healthy and strong. The vibrant girl that I remembered standing there before me, more matured and mother of two of the most beautiful children I’ve seen in recent history. I hugged her, and I hugged her babies who were no longer babies, and we talked and laughed and caught up on each other’s lives. She seemed so happy and healthy and strong, and I knew, I just knew she must have left that man-boy, I was so sure of it. But no, that wasn’t the case. She said he had finally stepped up as a man and a father, and was taking responsibility for both, even holding down a job for more than a year now. As she proclaimed a happier, healthier relationship I searched her eyes looking for the truth that those windows into the soul always reveal. What I saw was the watery fatigue of a too bright, forced smile, the same guise that I had worn so well. I wanted to believe her so badly but somehow I just couldn’t, not after recognizing my own weariness in her eyes. Because I know that people like him don’t typically change, and that people like her and I tend to stick with what we know for fear of what we don’t know. So I told her how happy I was for her while casting my own eyes downward in an effort to hide the knowing truth that lie behind them, and I hugged her and her and I hugged her babies again and that was that. After all of these years of wondering my questions were finally answered. Same same same. But at least she looked happy and healthy and strong…

I think I understand now, what it must have been like for all of you knowing I had resigned myself to a life with Bub and not being able to do anything about it except love me and support me and be there for me when I was finally ready to reach out for help. So that’s what I’ll do for her, and who knows what the future may bring.

I got a C in World History, a C!!! >:( I’m slightly perturbed if you couldn’t tell… a freakin’ C… sheesh! I had a nice solid B all throughout the semester and then this, wtf? I must have totally bombed the final; it was worth 30% of my grade. But a C? I don’t get it. My mom suggested that I talk with him and see just what I screwed up so badly on, and I may do that, but I figure he’s been doing this long enough that if he thinks I deserve a C then he’s probably right. It was a tough class, especially the final, but a C? hmmmm… I also got A’s in Govt. & Comp 1, and a B in Psych. Although, and I kid you not, I was literally 1.5 points shy of an A in psych. 1.5 points!! But he’s a statistics man and I knew that a measly 1.5 points would make no difference, so a B it is. That’s fine, I was going for all A’s and B’s… and apparently a stupid freakin’ C! Grrrrrrr. My GPA is 3.25 though, so still sufficient enough to apply for most scholarships, which I intend to do cuz this student loan crap is for the birds! I hope to qualify for and receive enough scholarship funding each year to carry me through, so keep your fingers crossed will ya?

A freakin’ C, pffffft!

I finally registered for classes next semester, which was no easy feat with the persnickety online registration system btw, but I conceded that I had procrastinated long enough so I rallied the gumption to figure the damn thing out and I got-r-done. I’ll be taking comp 2 (academic writing and research) with the same writing prof. that I had this semester, Basic Oral Communication (public speaking), World Literature, and Mathematics in Society (the absolute lowest level math class I could get away with). Math isn’t exactly my strong point if you couldn’t tell, and thank goodness I only have to take this one math course, and no accounting or anything like that, woohoo! There will be some statistics courses, but I’m purposefully not thinking about that right now. I’ve also decided on my minor, which I’m apparently required to have according to my advisor. Who knew? I checked out a few things of interest but quickly decided upon sociology after some review of the kewl courses. I’m sooo looking forward to upper level classes in both psych and sociology! Criminology, abnormal psychology, theories of personality, I LOVE this stuff! I actually toyed with the idea of switching my major to sociology and minor to psychology, but if I want to get my masters and eventually go into a counseling setting then I’ll need to stick with psych.

Well, new chick did not catch preggers. Duh, no surprise there but at least it supplied Bub with a few solid days of much needed drama. Of course Em then asks me (since I was the one to break this news to her) why he bothered to tell her if he wasn’t sure cuz she had just started getting used to the idea. Good question baby, hmmmm. He also already hates his job and wants to quit and move back to Arkansas. No surprise there either, it was just a matter of time. Not a lot surprises me anymore; Bub’s antics aren’t worth the waste of norepinephrine. I suppose once you’ve been on the roller coaster long enough the thrill fades and you just settle in to the dips and turns. Or you just wanna get the hell off! ;-)

School is finished for the semester, phew! Grades are still forthcoming; I’ll post ‘em when I have ‘em, but all’s looking good. It sure is nice to take a breather although I’m still uncertain what to do with myself at times. It’s odd to realize that I have no reading to do or papers to prepare. But then the reality of all the neglected housework sets in and I remember that there is always something to do, sigh… ;-)

Bub called Em yesterday just to tell her some mondo big news. Apparently new chick is late and might be preggers. Wait… let’s allow that to sink in a moment shall we? He called Em specifically to tell her that new chick might be knocked up. No actual confirmation or anything, and forget the fact that she’s had her tubes tied, he still felt it was something he should go ahead and share with his daughter nonetheless. Idiot. In his mind it was something that she needed to know right away, regardless of appropriateness, so he told her. Just like how he informed her last week that he was suicidal over the summer and that the only thing that got him through it was thinking of her. As if a 10-year-old needs the weight of that on her shoulders. I know it shouldn’t by now, but I swear his stupidity still surprises me at times. Em was understandably freaked by the news (pregnancy) but whether its reality or not, she really hasn’t much choice but to deal with it now does she?

He also informed me (a few weeks ago, before the pregnancy thing) that he and new chick are considering adopting a friend’s baby. This he asked me NOT to share with Em until they were sure, but let’s not go there shall we? *smacks head. Apparently it’s an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy, so they thought, why the hell not? We can raise the kid. You just can’t make this shit up.

Oh but wait, there’s still more. No, I’m not joking…there really is more. The FBI yes the F…B…I contacted him today to ask him to explain some questionable internet activity on his server. Apparently they’ve been investigating this activity for a while now; they went to our old house (his last known place of residence) and to his old job here in town. They know he hasn’t filed taxes in who knows how long and if they don’t get the answers they’re looking for then they’ll proceed with an in-depth investigation including speaking to everyone he knows and searching property. He says the guy whose trailer he stayed in for a while is the culprit behind the “questionable activity”. Apparently he gave this dude an account on his server and the guy proceeded to hack ebay and paypal with it. Nice. Now he just has to prove that it wasn’t him. This should be fun. Oh and by the way he tells me, don’t panic but I’ll be down this weekend to take care of the not so legal things that I have in your garage. I swear to god I thought he was going to tell me that he had drugs in my garage and I could feel my blood pressure begin to rise just waiting for him to say it. But no, its just his hundreds of pirated software cds and movie dvds, though still in MY garage. And just be aware, he tells me, they might end up searching your house and your computer for info on me, y’know, so keep that in mind if you’re involved in anything un-kosher. Um, helllloooo? Who exactly do you think I am dude? Damn, guess I’ll have to shut that child porn ring down now. WTF? Alright, I’m done.

Well, Em stuck it out through the whole semester in her advanced math class, but once they reconvene after Christmas break, she’ll be back to regular ol’ math with the original teacher whom she adored. It was just too much for her I’m afraid. Not that she can’t do it, she just can’t handle the stress and anxiety that come with it. Rather the stress and anxiety that comes with her. I wish so desperately that she wasn’t so high strung, that she could just relax a little and go with the flow. But she requires perfection and continuity, and anything less is simply unacceptable apparently. She’s back in therapy btw, and we’re considering medication to help with the anxiety and uncontrollable outbursts. Other than Bub falling off a high cliff, I don’t know what else to do for her, except love her and remain constant for her now that she needs stability the most. I so didn’t want to screw her up y'know? But when you know better you do better, when you know better you do better…

Okay, so now that I’ve spilled the beans I’m not quite sure what else to say. How do I follow an admission of that caliber y’know? Thank you everyone, for all the advice and encouraging me to go for the blush, I needed to hear that. Who knows if anything will actually come of this though, he’s long distance (we met online of course, y’all know how antisocial I am), but we’ll see, I have time. I suppose, if nothing else, just knowing that I could allow myself to be open to the possibility again is huge, and perhaps something I needed to realize before my official cat lady ordainment took place. Anyway, ‘nough of that, there I go blushing again… ;-)

Its been super busy around here, papers due, tests to take, ug. Why exactly do professors find it necessary to squeeze on last test in there the week before finals? Is that funny to them in some sick, twisted way? I’m obviously not amused. I’ve only cried once though, so by that measure I’m doing quite well. Classes are over for the semester, I just have to make it through finals next week and I’m finished until January. The break will be nice and much needed, I can assure you. Work has been terrible, but only in the sense that there’s been none. Things typically dry up around this time of year because our client’s budgets do as well. Y’know, its funny, I knew this would likely happen yet I simply failed to consider the impact it would have on me. Last year I still had the church lady job so even though it was tight, it certainly wasn’t devastatingly so. This year? Well let’s look on the bright side; at least I’ve had ample time to devote to papers, tests and my upcoming finals. I’ve also decided that life would be considerably easier were it not for all that pesky work getting in the way. Ahhh, to be independently wealthy… Oh well, anything worth having is worth working for. So on we go.