My ruby slippers.

I'm having another "hungry" day, which is not to be confused with the infamous "fat" days, as they are a whole other beast entirely. Of course, fat days do usually tend to follow the hungry days; gee go figure! It's not a particularly bad one, I've had much worse where my appetite has been seemingly insatiable, but this one is moderate, and frankly, I'm quite annoyed with the whole thing and ready to be over it already. My mind keeps wandering to food, the time, how long has it been since I last ate, how long is it until my next scheduled snack or meal? My sneaky little inner fat chick happily reminding me that I'm actually trying to plump up my too thin skin, so eating the whole freakin bag of white cheddar rice mini's really is in my best interest. That bitch. And all the while, I'm well aware of the fact that it's not a physical hunger, rather a mental hunger. And even the word hunger is not entirely appropriate; it's more of a desire. A mental want or need to fill up my mouth with flavor, and to savor the feel as I bite into something crunchy, salty, or sweet. There is no actual hunger associated with it whatsoever, how could there be? I eat every 2-3 freakin hours, I never have time to get physically hungry! Go much past 3-4 hours though, and whoa baby! Katie bar the door! In fact, Bub has learned, when it comes feeding time around here, he best get out the way, 'cause momma don't play like that! I know it must drive him nuts that every time he wants to do something, I have to run through a quick check of how long it might take, and figure out just when and where I'll be when my tummy tells me it's time to re-fuel, and then plan our day accordingly. Like if we want to see a movie, do we need to eat before or after? Do I need to have a discreet snack handy in case feeding time falls smack in the middle of the movie? If we're not eating until after, then I have to factor in the drive time and figure out if I need to eat my snack now, or wait until just before the movie starts. Ugh! The planning that goes into implementing and maintaining this lifestyle can be so tedious at times. The amount of mental and physical preparation that goes into planning for any given situation is unreal. But the funny thing is, I've gotten quite used to it, and usually never even give it a second thought. The thought process is automatic now, when I'm presented with a situation, I instantly run through everything I need to do to make my lifestyle fit into it. Because really, if you try hard enough, you can make healthy living fit into almost any situation, and it's honestly not all that difficult. It takes planning, commitment, and the willingness to make it work, no matter what. Not to say that it isn't a major pain in the ass sometimes, and can be somewhat overwhelming if I let it, but it is, in fact, perfectly doable. Naturally health conscious people do it every day, and have been all along. So why not us newly health conscious fat chicks too? Sure, we may have more mental bullshit about our relationships with food to wade through, but that doesn't make it impossible. Although it does seem to feel that way sometimes. I, for one, spent most of my life feeling that way. This whole losing weight thing is impossible so why bother, I'm destined to be fat. And you know what really pisses me off now? Knowing just how much time I wasted telling myself that crap and allowing it to run my life. When, in all actuality, I could have done this years ago, and saved myself from a life of feeling unworthy, undesirable, unacceptable, unlovable, etc, etc... So much time wasted on something that I've had the power to change all along, yet I allowed myself to remain closed off to the possibilities of greatness because of what? Fear, responsibility? Having to actually own the fact that I did this to myself and had no one else to blame? Denial, excuses. Yet I've been wearing the ruby slippers all along, and continuously underestimating their power. My power, to do what ever needs to be done to accomplish my goals. It's always been in me, stuffed way down deep, under the ice cream and brownies and layers of fat, hiding, so I wouldn't actually have to hold myself accountable for my own choices and actions.

Damn, it got deep in here didn't it? Okay, time for a break. But you know what? Not once during that whole rambling speech, did my mind wander to what is on the menu for lunch today. Hmmmm, now that's some food for thought! Yeah, I know, that was baaaaaad! ;D

Sorry the lighting sucks, but this is Whiskers and little Precious! Awwww, so sweet! I just had to snap a shot while they were laying there, cuddled up so cutely. I told Bub last night that I was possibly considering keeping Precious, but would have to let him know. I knew he'd be fine with it since he's wanted to keep her ever since she got sick, and I KNOW Em will be all for it, so I asked him not to mention anything to her until I was sure I was ready to commit to it. I still don't know about having a kitten around, but I am warming up to the idea. I guess I should explain my reservations, ugh? We've had a kitten before, a psycho, mean little bitch of a Siamese named Angel of all things, and I vowed never to have a kitten again after we finally had to relinquish her to the humane society due to her incessant biting and attacking. It was not a pleasant experience, and I didn't want to go through it again. But I have to admit, little Precious really is nothing like Angel. She has the sweetest personality and temperament, just like her momma, and is actually much more affectionate than Whiskers ever has been. She plays and is hyper, like any kitten should be, but when she wrestles with us and play nibbles, she never uses force and doesn't hurt us at all. So, I guess if I'm gonna be willing to give this another go, then at least she is the right kitty for the job. I can't help but remain a bit weary since our previous experience was so horribly bad, but I am willing to try, and I guess only time will tell how things will end up.

In other news, this has been red ribbon drug awareness week at school, so Em has been participating in all the various activities to show support in substance abuse prevention. Monday was red day, which is the signature color of the program, so she adorned all the red things she could find. Tuesday was hat day, so she decorated a big, floppy pink hat with two little antenna, a big white and pink flower, and a string of colorful beads attached around the brim. Wednesday was inside out and backwards day, so all of her clothes were worn inside out and backwards, except she gave up on the pants about halfway through the day 'cause she was having too much trouble zipping and buttoning the damn things. Today was pajama day, which she has most been looking forward to. She wore the ones she planned to wear to bed last night, so all she had to do was slip on her shoes this morning and she was ready to go. And tomorrow is school spirit day, so she spent all afternoon yesterday, decorating a white t-shirt with school sayings and the mascot, and all sorts of other festive little drawings. It turned out really cute and she is quite pleased with herself for the finished product.

Now that this week is drawing to a close, her next big countdown it totally geared toward the greatly anticipated evening of Halloween! She's going as a ghost this year, complete white face pant and black lipstick and nailpolish. She is totally pysched, mainly for the candy but who can blame her, what kid isn't? But also for the excitement of it all. We always go trick or treating to a great neighborhood here in town that really comes together and gets into the spirit. Lots of elaborately decorated houses with fog machines and various activities. Like, each year, one of the families sets up a covered table with an assortment of creepy feeling things hidden underneath, and you have to reach your hand in and try to guess what it is. Ewwwww! This is also the neighborhood where Em's Kindergarten teacher resides, so we make it a point to visit her house each year and say hello. In fact, the reason we come to this neighborhood is because Ms. Jennifer (the afore mentioned Kindergarten teacher) sends home a notice with all of her students, inviting them to come see her in costume and trick or treat in her neighborhood. She is a fantastic lady, very caring and involved, and one of my favorite teachers of Em's so far.

Well, I guess that's the gist of the excitement going on in my life right now. But, as you all know so well, that's just about all the excitement this chick would care to handle! Nice and quiet, and uneventful. Just the way I like it!! ;D

Yeah, more rambling.

We went to see that new Charlie And The Chocolate Factory at the dollar theater on Sunday, and well, it was just weird! Kind of creepy in a deranged, dude needs to be medicated sort of way. I realize that the first one was pretty weird too, and maybe this is just my intense dislike of change coming through, but I really didn't enjoy it like I'd hoped I would. Em liked it a lot, said the songs that the freaky little identical Oompa Loompas sang were much better in this one, (I disagree!) but whatever, as long as she enjoyed it, that's all that really mattered to me anyway. I just don't think I'll be watching this version again.

We also went to a few of the mobil home dealerships in our area to tour the newest and latest homes and see what kind of cool stuff they have in them. I used to love doing something similar growing up in CA. As each new subdivision sprouted up, so came the model homes that you are allowed to tour to get an idea of the different floor plans being offered. My mom and I always loved to spend a Saturday roaming through the beautifully decorated houses, checking out the newest trends and picking out what we would do with each of the rooms. But since model homes don't seem to have caught on around here, I have become quite satisfied with touring the mobil homes instead. I LOVE all the amenities you can get in these new ones! These things have the BEST kitchens and master baths, and all the stuff you would love in a regular house, but at a fraction of the price. In fact, I'm sure a house with all these amenities would run an easy 150-200 k, yet the loaded mobil homes are like 50-80 k. Too bad the city I live in won't allow mobil homes within city limits, because if it weren't for that, I think we would definitely consider it. We're just not willing to live outside of the city for various reasons, so I guess just looking and wishful thinking will have to suffice. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm just not gonna be able to get all the really nice amenities I want in the kind of standard house that we could actually afford if we're ever able to buy one. But that's okay, it's just stuff, and we could always work our way up, I hope!

Anyway, things are still going smoothly around here. Bub's still getting up and going to work on time every day, and our communication has shown some remarkable improvement, IMO. But I'm still sitting on pins and needles, my pessimistic nature just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know I shouldn't be this way, but after so many years of uncertainty, I really don't see how I can help it for now. I'm sure it'll get better, and hopefully I'll be able to relax a bit.

We finally gave away another kitten this weekend, so now we are only left with one; Precious. I dunno, we may go ahead and hang onto her for a while, she's not nearly as rowdy as the other one was, so maybe it wouldn't be soooooo bad to keep one little kitten around. We'll see, but I am gonna give it a little time to determine just how I can expect her to act without any other rambunctious little kitties around to egg her on. Who knows, maybe she'll end up settling in quite nicely?

In other news, I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to get all of my regular exercise in on the weekends, now that Bub is around more and wanting to do more stuff. I still usually get all of my morning and evening Gazelle time in, but my weights and crunches seem to get the short end of the stick, come Saturday and Sunday. I know it's not imperative that I do everything, every single day of the week, but that's what I'm used to, and you all know how I am about my bloody routines! Which brings me to yet another topic. Man, am I rambling about a whole bunch of crap today, or what? Anyway, I've been thinking about the role my somewhat obsessive need for structure has played in my weight loss and maintenance thus far. I've certainly never been so disciplined in the past, especially in relation to my health and weight loss. So I can't help but wonder what exactly triggered it in me this time? I mean, I guess it's always better to be obsessive about healthy eating and regular exercise than it is to be about binging or fueling any number of other destructive addictions, but I'm sure that I must also appear somewhat fanatical in my quest to get and stay healthy. I guess it all correlates to the addictive qualities of my personality. Not to say that I've ever been a raging alcoholic or coke fiend, but I've taken full advantage of my fair share of destructive behaviors. With food and laziness, first and foremost of course, but I also started smoking, drinking and drugging and an extremely young age, (10-12) as well as being sexually active, and in all honesty, quite promiscuous, even before the substance abuse ever started. Now, I realize that my promiscuity was a completely natural progression from a very early introduction to sexuality as a whole. And because of that, I readily made myself available to an environment conducive of substance abuse. I.E. the easy girl attracted the older guys, which, in turn, provided easy access to drugs and alcohol. Plus, that fact that I've always been such a follower didn't do much for my ability stand against peer pressure, and because all I ever really wanted to do in the first place was to fit in, and not be singled out. Anyway, the point I've been meaning to make, yet rambling all around instead, was that if it weren't for the addictive qualities that I seem to possess, then I don't think I would have been so successful in my new, non-destructive addiction to my health and weight loss/maintenance. If I weren't so diligent and structured about my new lifestyle, then I can see how easy it would be to slip right back into my nasty old habits. It's as if I have to be this rigid in order to hold myself accountable and produce a no-fail environment. I know for myself, how easily I tend to give up when I feel as though everything is not running smoothly. So what I've done here is set up a new basis from which I run my life, complete with controls and back up plans set firmly in place. This way I know that I have alternatives when unexpected things inevitably arise. My only problem is, WTF am I gonna do when something happens that can't be planned for? That will be the true test of how well I've assimilated to this new lifestyle. When something happens to throw me completely out of whack, and mess up every routine, plan or control I have in place, well then we'll see just how well I've become equipped to handle life's inevitable curve balls. And damn if that isn't a freakin scary notion! Good grief, I certainly didn't need to go there right now. You see what my stinking thinking gets me? Nuttin but trouble I tell ya! You'll have to excuse me, as I must go bury my head in the sand for a bit! JK! ;D

Million dollar dreams

340 million dollar PowerBall lottery in Missouri this week. I think the winner ended up being from Ohio or Oregon or something, but who cares? All I know is that it wasn't me! We don't have lotteries or legalized gambling here in Arkansas. We do have the horse races though, so I don't quite get that one?? But, at any rate, I can't just go to a local gas station and waste a buck on the chance of a lifetime, if I wanted to. You should have seen how my scheming little brain was trying to come up with a feasible excuse to talk my in-laws (the Baptist preacher and his wife) who live near the Missouri border, into going against their religious beliefs about gambling for the chance at half of $340 million. And I would have had them too, if it wasn't for my somewhat fanatical FIL, as my MIL is a complete phony, and would likely have sold her first born in a heartbeat for that kind of money. But I was a good girl and didn't ask, yet I also couldn't justify driving the 4-6 hours it would take to get to the border, so I was just plum out of luck on this one. I have to say though, I think it's completely ridiculous that we don't have some kind of state lottery here. I mean, do they not get the enormous amount of revenue something like that would generate? Duh! Their thinking is that the people who spend the most on these kinds of things are the very ones who can afford it least. Well, don'tcha think that ought to be up to all of us poor, working class folks to decide on just how we want to spend our own hard earned cash? You know, I also can't pick up a cold beer or a bottle of wine either, as I live in what's known as a "dry" county, meaning no alcohol can be bought or sold here. This is also completely ridiculous, IMO, but, unfortunately, quite typical here in the religiously fanatical bible belt, where I currently reside. But seeing as how I don't care to drink alcohol myself, I really don't get too hot and bothered about it. My only real beef with it being someone else getting to decide whether or not I (being of legal drinking age) can order a glass of wine with my own freaking dinner, as if they are completely entitled to do so! But I'm not gonna get into that right now, 'cause my feelings on my rights and the rights of others run long a deep, and are probably best kept to myself or left for another discussion entirely. My real focus, before accidentally sliding off into that little tangent, was what on earth could I do with 340 million dollars?!! Can you imagine how many people in my life, or unsuspecting strangers who just can't seem to catch a break, could benefit from that ridiculous amount of money? How many family members and friends children I could provide a college education for? How many people's lives could I literally change forever? OMG! I would be such a good rich person too! No really, I would. Just give me a chance, I swear I could prove it! ;D Plus, in all honesty, I can't imagine my tastes would change much anyway. I mean, rich or not, this chick would still be shopping the clearance racks at WalMart. Buying off name brand paper towels, and stocking up on chicken whenever it goes on sale, just like always. I don't need a 10 million dollar estate, or a fleet of hundred thousand dollar cars. My goals are simple, I want to own my own home, preferably with a kick ass kitchen and a jet tub in the bathroom, own my own dependable car, be completely debt free, and be able to relax a little when it comes to my finances. I don't think that's too much to ask, is it? Really though, 340 million dollars is way more than one person really ought to ever have. Not while so many others are living payday to payday, just hoping that the electricity doesn't get cut off before they can cash their paycheck on Friday. I guess that's why these powerballs are able to become so enormous. It's that chance that maybe, just maybe, someone who just can't seem to catch a break could live out that impossible dream. On the other hand, I bet it would be a nightmare to win that kind of money. I bet they have low-lifes and creeps just crawling out of the woodwork, glomming on to them like they're old best friends. Plus, the incredible quilt and pressure that surely must come with the inability to help everyone who needs or wants it. I just don't think I could handle it. Of course, that doesn't mean that I don't still want the chance to find out! Really though, a cool few million would do me up just right! ;D Man 'o man, the things I would have done to this body of mine, if I had that kind of cash just laying around! They'd have to feature it on an episode of Overhaulin' for the amount of work I'd have done! So, I guess I would have to splurge a bit there, and on that kick ass kitchen I've been jonesen for, but other than that, I'd be one tight-assed, miserly millionaire! 'Cause I don't care what kind of quality, or who's self-indulgent name is stitched into the label, there isn't an article of clothing in this world that's worth more than $50.00 to me, (which is really pushing it since I usually won't spend anything over $15.00) and to tell you the truth, if I can't get it at WalMart then I probably don't need it anyway! Sure, I get the whole concept of getting what you paid for, and I understand the need to opt for quality over price on some of the really important stuff. But where on earth does $600.00 for a pair of freaking shoes play into that equation? Not in my little world, that's for damn sure! Anyway, I guess I'd better get my head out of the clouds and get back to work, 'cause this poor chick still needs to earn a livin, until I hit my own jackpot that is!

I agree Jilly, I don't think the comments from any of you thoughtful, wonderfully caring people were out of line, some were just a little difficult for my delicate ego to handle. But, overall, I value and cherish each of the individual insights into the craziness that is my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm still doing good about speaking up when I feel he's being inappropriate or insensitive. I think it's catching him off guard since I usually never say a word, and just take what I perceive as insults to my intelligence. So he's being a bit defensive at first, but then we are able to discuss it honestly. I think it will be just a matter of time until he is able to fully appreciate the effort I am making to effectively communicate with him. Which will, hopefully, make him more receptive to my point of view, and generally easier to get along with. **fingers crossed!**

So, I'm at a local consignment shop, which I regularly frequent, yesterday, trying on some different tops, (momma needs some more long sleeve shirts if she's ever gonna make it through this winter!) and as I stand there in front of the full length mirror, I catch a real, honest glimpse of myself. I dunno if the lighting was different or what, but things were not looking pretty! I've never before realized just how much the veins in my arms stick out of my skin! They looked like one of those freaky, ripped body builders, you know how their veins are just sticking out all over the place? (I also noticed that I now have varicose veins on the back of my calves, which was a total bummer!) Anyway, it looked naaaaaaaasty! Now, I'm not meaning to be overly critical of myself, but damn, you shoulda seen this! All I could think is that I reaaaaaaly need to get a little more padding under my skin. I know I've said before that I think I need to put a few pounds back on, and I have been making a conscious effort to eat a bit more, especially good fats, in order to fill my skin out, but I guess it's just not working. God, I can't believe I'm complaining about needing to add a few pounds, surely the earth must have spun completely off it's axis! But seriously, my skin looks too thin, and I'm afraid that I appear unhealthy, which is certainly NOT the type of role model I want to portray to my daughter or others. But I definitely think it's because my body fat % is too low. I also think that's the culprit because I haven't really been menstruating normally since right before I reached my goal weight. Well, let's be honest here, I haven't had a period at all in at least a year, and only had a few the year before that. *I know, I know, please don't yell at me too badly here* Truthfully, I've kind of enjoyed not having to mess with a monthly cycle, and would be perfectly happy never having one again. Even though I have absolutely no sex drive whatsoever, but c'mon, who would really be in the mood for that around this place anyway? I do know that I must have really screwed something up, and that I need to get it checked out. But since we have no medical insurance, and money has been almost nonexistent, I've been using that as an excuse for not going to the doctor for way too long now. I wonder if losing that much weight could have sent my body into such a state of shock that it caused an early menopause? It's got to be either that, or the low bf% thing, maybe a combination of both? I'm just worried that people are gonna think I'm anorexic, 'cause that couldn't be further from the truth, I eat like a freaking horse! Just leave it to me to screw this poor body up even more than I thought possible! You know what, wait a minute! There I go again, thinking negatively and blaming myself for everything. I didn't do this on purpose, it was never my intention to mess up my cycle or to get to such a low body fat percentage, so why am I blaming myself? That damn little voice in my head, that says everything is my fault, is getting really freaking old! There really is something to be said for positive self-talk, and I definitely need to practice more of it!

Anyway, I know I've got it coming for this little revelation about my cycle, so bring it on ladies, as I've got no acceptable excuses for this one, whatsoever. I'm ready for ya!!

Warning, veeeeeery long post.

I struggle with the impact living in this environment must have on Em every day. It's gut-wrenching and abusive, and it's just as much my fault as it is his, maybe more so. I say that because I can at least recognize that this is unacceptable, whereas he sees nothing abnormal about it whatsoever. It's not fair to her, she didn't choose this, and she is helpless against it. She also knows that not all daddies act like hers, in fact we talk a lot about the stuff that goes on here. She's asked me why he is the way he is, and why other daddies aren't this way. But you know what she's never asked me? Why do I put up with it, or why do I stay married to him. She doesn't ask this because, bottom line, he's her daddy and she loves him from the bottom of her heart. And the thought of us getting divorced scares the shit out of her. She would be completely devastated without him. You have to keep in mind, he isn't constantly like this. When he makes a point to spend time with her, and he's in a good mood, he's actually the "fun" one. In fact, she'd much rather do stuff with daddy because he overindulges her, whereas I'm usually the heavy. He uses toys, junk food, and extravagant outings in an effort to make up for his own meager upbringing, I'm sure, but to her it's fantastic, I mean what more could a girl ask for, ya know? I also just want to clarify that it isn't always like this, there are many good, or at least more normal times. Yes, we may walk on eggshells around him, and that's no way to live, but he and I do get along about a lot of different subjects, and can talk openly as long as it's not about anything really important. We do have fun as a family and I have to give him credit for being a fiercely loyal and devoted husband and father. I have never once questioned his fidelity or his desire to provide for us and keep our family unite strong and intact. Those are, without question, his biggest priorities, and I believe his heart and intentions are in the right place, however misguided they might be. I can see how horribly unbearable my living situation must surely appear because, until now, it has been completely one-sided. Simply because I don't typically feel compelled to write about the "good" or "normal" times. It's the bad days that require this outlet to vent my anger and frustrations. So, of course, it must seem like I live with a tyrant 24/7. And as much as I hate to admit it, that's really just not the case. Of course, I also don't want to appear as though I'm defending his behavior, or trying to make the way he treats us sound okay because that wouldn't be the truth either. It is unacceptable, but it is certainly not constant.

I truly am sorry for having unrealistic expectations of trying to carry out my private struggles in a public forum without having to face the inevitable questions and differing opinions of my actions. As I've said, perceived criticism is very difficult for me to face, and I tend to avoid it at all cost. I guess that's one of the major reasons why I never divulge the truth about m life in the "real world". I just can't handle other's reactions to what, in all honesty, could be a completely changeable situation. But, as I've said before, I have my reasons for staying, and whether they are good ones or not, they are real and binding to me. And for now I must continue to stand by my decisions. I don't know yet what the future may hold, but I am hopeful that my situation will change in a way that will allow me find happiness and be content, whether it's in this marriage or on our own. For now this is the only decision I can, and am willing to make, and this is how it has to be. I know Bub well enough to know that his reaction to a separation/divorce would be more detrimental to us than simply trying to cope with or improve our current situation. It may not be fair, but that's just the man he is, and I have to take that into account. If or when the circumstances change, and other actions may be taken, I will gladly welcome the opportunity. I know a lot of people may not understand my decisions, but I suspect that quite a few of you, who've been stuck in similar situations, can probably totally relate. I don't for a second think I'm completely alone in this, or that others wouldn't or haven't had to make the same kind of shameful, heart-wrenching choices. It's sad, but I suspect so many more women live like this than we're willing to let on about. I do wish this wasn't my life, but I got myself in this situation, and wishing it away isn't going to make a bit of difference. For now, I must deal with it in the best way I know how, so that's what I will continue to do. And in doing so, I will continue to protect Em and "save her from him" to the absolute best of my ability, given the less than optimal circumstances. She knows she is loved, she knows she is safe, and she knows she must tread lightly around her father, and she accepts that.

As for my letter to Bub, I hadn't been able to work on it all weekend because... well, because life gets in the way on the weekends, but it had gotten off to a fairly good start. I have to admit though, I'd lost some of the initial oomph that drove me so fiercely in the beginning, and I'd started to fear that I may be chickening out all together. It's almost as if I needed to experience another "episode" in order to re-focus my attention on it. Which, I think is due in part to my acute denial of my overall living situation. When an episode is all over I tend to try to put it behind me as quickly as possible and pretend everything is fine again. It's hard for me to work up the emotion it takes for me to be brave and pour my heart out to him unless I'm still caught up in the moment. I guess I just don't like to go to such a painfully raw and shameful place if I don't absolutely have to, which, of course, is only natural. But then something interesting happened. He started in again last (Sunday) night about something, IMO, totally pointless, and just another example of his unreasonable expectations and demeaning behavior, but this time I saw something else, I saw the frustration he was having at trying to get a point across to me that he's brought up over and over again. His basic argument was that he was asking my (literal, as in he genuinely wanted to know) opinion about what we needed to do with the kittens as they are now too big to keep cooped up in a confined area. He gave his suggestion and wanted to know if it was fine with me, and then, naturally expected me to offer up my own suggestions if it wasn't fine with me. Remember, this man is a very cut and dry, logical, analytically thinking individual; he says what he means and means what he says, no playing games. I, of course, am not, so in my mind I'm thinking this is obviously what he wants to do, and from past experience I seem to be totally incapable of winning a debate if my opinion differs. So instead of even considering what I truly want, and in an effort to please him as always, I automatically start asking questions about how to go about implementing his suggestion as if I were actually interested in considering the idea, rather than just offering up my own opinions and ideas. So then, when I finally relinquish that I really don't want to do it his way, he gets pissed! Pissed for wasting his time, for once again not taking him at his word, for not doing what he was simply asking (giving my opinion) and for filtering it into what I think he wants from me. When all he freaking wanted was for me to say what I mean and mean what I say. Ah-ha! A little insight into the workings of a brain so totally foreign to me. So then he's off, he's mad, he's yelling and demeaning, sarcastic and disrespectful, and also, I notice, at a breaking point. He's upset and simply tired of butting his head into a wall with me, and he can't take it anymore. This is interesting, to say the least, to see the same kind of desperate frustration I feel with him, from his perspective. So, once he's calmed down a bit, we're able to talk, yes talk, meaning I actually spoke up and voiced some of my frustrations with the way he attempts to deal with me, and to clarify how I define respect, which, of course, is completely different for him. What I feel is harsh, demeaning, shameful, and ultimately not being good enough, is simply his practical way of getting his point across about things he doesn't like. He actually didn't realize that in doing so, he was evoking these kinds of feelings in me. In fact, he said he's been purposefully pointing things out and nit picking as a practical way to make me aware of the things I'm saying and doing. He thought it was being helpful because surely I must want to know every single little thing I'm doing wrong, right?! But that's the way he thinks of it because that's the logical thing to do to better yourself. OMG! He's a freak of nature! It's like his emotions very rarely play into his thinking, and I'm the complete opposite. Almost every thing I do is emotion driven. He also gave a lot of examples (of course, being the skilled debater he is) of how we've been perceiving things differently. Like when I feel like he's criticizing my driving, he's actually asking me why I do this or that because that's not the way he would have done it and he genuinely wants to know why I do, in an effort to understand how I work more efficiently. So, when he asks why I chose to go this way instead of that, I can say because I prefer to, and give my reason. Then if he doesn't agree, it doesn't really matter because it's just his opinion, and I'm not expected to automatically go the way he wants, or even to do it that way next time, which is how I've always felt was expected in the past. I think one of the problems is that I've been busy reading much more into him than there really is. All along I've been trying to figure out what he really wants, when the fact is, he freaking said what he really wants to begin with! I can see now, why he always says I'm not listening. I've been filtering what he says and does to fit into the way I think, and there's no way that can possibly work! DUH! Anyway, we talked for a veeeeery long time, and even though I still don't like him, as a person, and generally wouldn't choose to spend my time with him if I didn't have to, at least I think we understand each other a little bit better now. And I think he may actually realize how demeaning his approach has been making me feel, although not to it's fullest extent; I don't think he'll ever be able to totally get that, but at least it's something. So now my goal will be to stop filtering what he says and does, and try to take him at his literal word, 'cause that's all he really wants or expects anyways. This is going to be enormously difficult for me since the concept is so totally foreign, but I have to try. And, by no means am I saying that all is hunky dory now, most certainly not. These wounds run long a deep, and encompass so much more than some basic personality conflicts. But I guess I can honestly say that this has been an eye opening experience, and that, perhaps, there is some hope that I can come to tolerate him in a way I've never thought possible. It definitely is not the most optimal outcome, but given the fact that leaving is not an option for me, then at least it's something to hold on to. The fact is, I'm not gonna get a do over, much as I wish I could. So I've got to make the best out of what I've got, and I think this has definitely been a step in the right direction. We shall see...

Thank you.

I won't stop, I can't, I need this outlet too much for that. So I am here, but just so you know, I'm going to be taking some time to reflect a little and to work on something a bit more pressing, IMO. Now, I know what you're thinking, but I promise I'm not using this as an excuse to run and hide. Although, to be honest, that was my initial reaction, which, to anyone who reads this blog regularly surely must have expected. My first thought was, well that's it, I can't possibly write about my situation here at home anymore, but only because of my intense fear of others thinking poorly of me. It kills me, makes me physically nauseous to think that others are disappointed in me, or in some ways view me as a bad person for my choices and actions. My inability to accept criticism or judgment controls me in so much so that I've even used it to manipulate all of you into suppressing your own views and opinions as a condition on my willingness to share my life with you. For that, I am truly sorry, it was unfair and unreasonable, and I will not allow it to continue. But please just promise that you'll continue to be gentle with me though, k? A girl can only take so much!! ;D I have actually since gone back and re-read the comments from my last entry, because I didn't want my initial reaction to cloud my judgment or make me miss some valuable advice and caring support, and for the most part, the comments are not, in fact, overly critical. Quite endearing rather, knowing that they are only meant to help and support me and Em with what we are going through. So, what I really want to do is thank all of you for caring enough to voice your opinions in spite of my selfish request for conditional support. I may have felt some of the comments were a bit harsh, but only because of my aversion to criticism of any sort, yet none were untrue, and I can accept that. I do have a lot I intend to say about my situation, actions, and choices, as well as the responses I've received from all of you, in fact, I've already started a draft of it, and I will be posting my response soon enough. But for now, I need a little time, perhaps just a few days, as I am currently in the process of forming a letter to Bub, that (for now) I intend to actually give to him. It started off as just a few issues I wanted to address, but has turned into much, much more. And I just hope that I don't allow the implications of what I'm going to put in this letter overwhelm me, and prevent me from finishing it, and actually giving it to him. As you all know, this really scares the shit out of me, and I'm not sure if I'll actually be able to go through with it or not. But, for now, I must take some time to concentrate on this letter, and I promise I will be back, as my work here is not nearly through.

I'm at a dilemma here. I want to go into a little more detail about our meals and such other mundane aspects of our new daily routine and life. But I also had a pretty bad night Tuesday night, and I feel the need to get it out, yet I would feel sort of silly just musing over my boring life while my emotions rage within me. But, I guess, since all these subjects are important aspects of my life, then why wouldn't I reflect on one and not another. Maybe they just feel conflicting to me, like how can I talk about the everyday stuff when so much more is really going on? But, since that is my life, then how could I not discuss them all at the same time, regardless of the absurdity of it all. After all this is how I live everyday, the mundane and the dramatic intertwining without discretion. So that is how I must describe it here, without discretion.

First things first, we ended up having Cheesy Enchilada Chicken Helper with tortillas and some other side items like sliced tomatoes and cheese, Monday night. (Bub is a serious cheese addict) I tried to substitute healthier ingredients where ever I could, but there's really not a whole lot you can do with something like this. I guess it could have been worse. I took a very small portion (1/2 c. ?) and a mammoth salad, then proceeded to pick at the rest of the dish, digging out little chunks of chicken just because it was there. I hate it when I do that, but stuff like this is really difficult for me. Plus, I think I was unsatisfied due to the smallish portion. I'm accustomed to much more filling meals because I can eat so much more of the foods I usually make for myself. Oh well, that's life. I'm just gonna have to make my healthier eating habits fit back into it again since what I've been doing is pretty unrealistic if we're gonna have some sort of regular routine here.

To answer Sandi's question, yes, Helper's, tacos, burgers, lotsa pasta dishes, are all pretty typical fare around here, with a few of my signature dishes thrown in for good measure. Like Tuesday, I made my Chicken Picatta, which has been a long time family favorite. This consists of chicken tenderloins, thinly coated in egg whites, and (FF) Ritz crackers crumbs, then browned in oil (I use that new Enova stuff). Then covered in a sauce made of 2/1 parts lemon juice and sugar, (well, 2 parts Splenda & 1 part sugar) and some garlic powder, which is cooked down to more of a syrupy consistency. This dish is always served with Chicken Rice A Roni, and yet more sliced tomatoes and cheese (see a pattern here?). And I also made some corn for Em, 'cause she loves it so. What I do with this dish, is skip the Rice A Roni and the cheese, and I make a big, honkin salad, topped with 1 or 2 pieces of the deliciously sweet and tart chicken, all cut up. This is absolutely one of my favorite salads, so I always make sure to cook extra chicken so I can feast on it all week long, YUM!

So, I guess it really is just all about moderation. Even though I would choose different foods if I only had myself to consider, I can still eat regular family dinners while remaining OP. It just takes a little work and lotsa portion control. And perhaps a little sneakiness when substituting healthier ingredients into the old favorites. After all, if I want to remain successful, I have to work to make my diet fit my life, not work to make my life fit into my diet, it just doesn't work that way, and it's not much fun either!

Now, on to the unpleasantness. I actually had to get all this down on paper because I didn't have adequate access to the computer when I was needing to vent. In fact, writing it out helped so much that I actually considered forgoing any reflection on it here. But then I felt like that wasn't being true to myself, to just skip over my personal struggles, only to expound on last night's dinner choices. Eh-Eh, wasn't gonna happen! So, here I am, with a few notebook pages full of scrawled anger and frustration sitting before me, ready to transcribe it here, in order to set it free.

Well, I guess the enlightened mood has lifted; at least for now. I dunno, maybe he was in a bad mood, or perhaps, feeling the stress of newfound responsibilities, but regardless, absolutely everything seemed to set him off tonight (this was actually Tuesday night). You can tell, when he gets in these moods, that nothing will stop it and you never know what exactly will trigger his wrath. One thing after another was wrong. We just couldn't win with him, no matter what. Em really bore the brunt of most of it tonight. She just couldn't please him. His complaints were that she didn't talk to him correctly, didn't use what he deems acceptable tones, was unable to explain her homework concepts to him efficiently enough to justify her answers to him, was being generally too loud, rambunctious, you name it. All the while, he's pulling crap out of the hall closet, bitching about why is this in here, why is that? Why did you do this, (directed at me) why did you do that? Don't do this again, don't do that. About what? Who knows? Piddly crap and nitpicky stuff that wouldn't make a difference to a normal human being, but apparently was justification for a rampage in his small little egotistical world. All of this was taking place while I'm in the middle of making a good home cooked meal, like any good wife to a regular working man should. (cough *BULLSHIT* cough!) And I just can't give him the full attention he demands while the chicken is burning, yet he expects nothing less. So then I'm doing the same old thing again- not listening, as usual. He says he's so sick of it; it's always the same issues over and over again. Why can't I ever learn, why can't I just get it right, he asks? He says he doesn't know how to get through to me about what he expects of me as a wife and mother. He hates to repeat himself, it's one of his petpeeves, yet he always has to repeat himself with me. How can I learn, how can I hear and comprehend or understand if the circumstances are ever changing? If the rules and regulations that he imposes are static and can be implied and interpreted differently given the situation? It's almost impossible to know what will set him off one day and not another. Like his mood today (Wednesday), it's perfectly normal and upbeat, like nothing happened. But in his eyes, nothing did happen. This is normal, this is expected. After all, if we can't seem to act right, what else could we expect? How else would he handle it other than blowing a gasket and engaging us in yet another marathon lecture session? We know this, (all to well) yet we continue to mess up according to him. Hmmm, did'ja ever think that just maybe it's because we're human?! That nobody if fucking perfect, including you?!! Oh no, he's not perfect, he says. He just does things the "right" way, and thinks everyone else should too. Yeah, good luck with that one buddy! You know, it's sad, and I cringe when I think it, but sometimes I wish he would just hit me. That way I could justify ending it, and I could say "see, this is why, specifically" and everyone would understand. But how do you explain this kind of mental torment when it can so easily be rationalized and debated away? Oh no, it's nothing like that, she tends to overreact. You know how women are. This is what really happens...

Anyway, that's it. Venting over, I am through. It's amazing what writing about it does for me. It really is like setting it free. I can't believe I've been keeping all this bottled up throughout the years, just stuffing it way down deep, (usually under copious amounts of gooey, fudge brownies or cheesy, hash brown casseroles) and never allowing myself to feel the emotions that continue to dwell inside of me. So here I am, no longer allowing myself to swallow my emotions, yet seemingly unable to voice them. I do the only thing I know how, I write them, I feel them, and I release them in an effort to prevent them from continuing to consume me.

This new, regular work schedule of Bub's may pose a problem to my normal dietary fare. I'm used to eating what ever I want for dinner since he's usually not here, or not awake, but now that he's a full time working stiff, the man's gonna want a real freaking dinner! Aaack! My dieting philosophy, all along, has been not to disrupt our regular family dynamic. Which translates into eating the same 'ol crap as everyone for dinner, just less of it and adding a big ass salad or veggies. And I lost the bulk of my weight practicing said philosophy, but for the last year or two there really hasn't been a need since he's very rarely been around for normal meal times. I have to say, I've gotten pretty accustomed to having complete control over my and Em's meals (her junk food consumption has drastically been reduced, much to her disdain) and I like it thataway!! So, now that the old man is coming home with a grumbly tummy, and there's absolutely no chance of getting him to eat my "rabbit food" as he calls it, well, I guess I'm just shit out of luck! Man, this sucks! But I guess I'm not gonna complain (well, too much anyway!) because I'm still just happy as a lark to be able to afford to put food on the table in the first place! See, I don't ask for much! ;D

So things seem to be working out very well with the new job so far. He was only late once last week, (couldn't quite seem to drag his lazy ass outta bed on time) but hopefully he's not gonna make a habit out of it. And truthfully, bossman did say he didn't care in the slightest if Bub didn't make it in till 8:30 every morning. Thank goodness this guy is laid back! And, Bub has already impressed the guy's socks off. So much so, that bossman has already raised him up to the next salary level that was previously agreed upon, (they agreed to step his salary up in chunks every few weeks and months until we get to the level he deserves) and has decided to give Bub a bonus on his next paycheck for saving bossman's ass on a project that was fumbled by an ignorant contractor. Like I said, the boy does know his stuff! And man, can we ever use the money right now! Yep, I really think I could get used to this!! Just maybe, I'll let my guard down enough to do so... in a few years! ;D

Anyway, gotta scram. It's just about time to pick him up from work, and then I gotta figure out what the hell to make for dinner! Nope, I don't think I like this one little bit! ;D

It's a start!

There was a message on the answering machine from Bub this morning, from after I went to bed last night, basically stating (in tone and choice of words) how dare I not be available for him to reach me (no phone in my room and I don't bring my cell to bed with me) or go to bed early without telling him first. Apparently he had something important to discuss with me (at 11:00 at night) and was frustrated and pissy with me for not answering the phone or calling him to tell him I was going to bed a little early. Now, to be clear, he is out late at night quite often, and I've never called him before going to bed, or been expected to. But, apparently, since he had something important to talk about, I should have somehow known or anticipated that and been available for him, or at least let him know that I was feeling like crap and going to bed 30 min. earlier than usual. Shame on me! WHATEVER! Anyway, I knew (from the tone of his message) that I was about to be in for it this morning, and to tell the truth, it got my hackles up! What, just because he had something to ask me, I should have known to call him, even though I've never done so before? C'mon! But that's what he had in his head, so that's all there was to it. I should have known, and now I'm wrong or bad for not knowing, so I better get ready for the inevitable lecture and apologies that must follow to appease him. Frankly, I wasn't in the mood. Soooooo... early this morning, I formulated my response and typed it all out, so he wouldn't be as able to steam-roll me like usual, and just maybe my voice would be heard for a change. Then, when he got up this morning, I told him that I wanted to talk to him about the message he left for me, which totally caught him off guard since I never try to initiate these types of conversations! Hehe, I caught the master unprepared! Anyway, I handed him the typewritten page and sat patiently while he read it from top to bottom. I was feeling quite froggy, and ready for the challenge! So, he starts out, "okaaaaaaay", and immediately starts playing it off like I was completely overreacting, and that he had "forgotten all about it". PULHEEZ! I know damn good and well that I was gonna be in for it this morning, but whatever, let him play his little games. So, we proceeded to discuss everything, and of course, he has now completely convinced himself that it has always been our understanding that I call him if my usual schedule changes for any little reason. Which, of course, makes me in the wrong and justifies what ever tone he may have used. Even though he said there was no tone, which is complete bullshit! But stupid me erased the damn message, not thinking that I may need to use it to justify my indignation later, so there was no way for him to hear the way he spoke to me after the fact. Damnit! Not that it would have made a difference anyway, he would have found a way to explain it away, like always. So, how did it end? Well, not as good as I'd hoped, but better than I thought. There were no apologies from him, (since he can do no wrong) and honestly, none were expected. But, there were no apologies from me either! So, even though it wasn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, and certainly will not do anything to change his behavior, it is definitely a major accomplishment, and I'm feeling quite proud of myself for standing strong, even in my own little way. Like I've said before, I don't know if any of this is really worth it, but at least it's something. And maybe, just maybe, this small step will allow me to continue to make my voice heard for next time, and perhaps, it means I'll be able to hold my head just a little bit higher now.

Just another day.

Not a lot going on here. No profound, introspective realizations, just the same 'ol mundane daily grind. Don't get me wrong, I like the mundane, it just isn't very exciting to write about. Of course, I guess that's not why I do this either. I found this new (well, new to me anyway) website that I absolutely love! I actually heard about it on Showbiz Tonight, and had to check it out immediately. PostSecret is a website where people send in anonymous postcards revealing secrets about themselves, and this guy posts several of them every week for all the world to see. There is even a book of secrets in the works, which I will definitely be buying ASAP! This is so right up my alley, I love anything that reveals true human nature in it's purest form. Now, I'm sure a lot of these are made up just for attention, or because they can, but I bet, more often than not, that these sad, funny, sadistic, painful secrets are all too real. I'm sure we've all got one or two things that we would never share with anyone, ever, yet wish so much that we could. I know I do. In fact, I think I may just send mine in, who knows? And NO, I ain't spilling it here! ;D I do wonder a lot about what people would think of me if I tore down the walls and allowed them some insight into my true self? I think my blog is the one spot where I'm freer with my thoughts, opinions, and emotions than any other place in my life, yet, even here, I remain somewhat guarded. There are things I share here, that I don't share "out there", and vise verse. They are two, very distinctive parts of my life, and oftentimes, I don't feel a lot of the stuff that goes on "out there" warrants a mention or reflection here. This is my place to learn about me, vent my frustrations, and voice my opinions about a lot of stuff, but truly not everything. But, I guess that's ok, 'cause I write about what I want to here, and that's really all that matters. Plus, truthfully, I couldn't possibly write about all the boring stuff that goes on around here on a day to day basis, I'd even put myself to sleep! There's only so much running errands, doing laundry, kitty antics, (although, those are fun to write about sometimes!) and food & exercise routines a girl can stomach. But, like I've said, I thrive on the mundane, it gives me peace.

Speaking of kitties, anyone want one?!! We've still got two of the kittens left. Precious (who was so sick and miraculously recovered) and an orange and white one that Em calls Tiger, or Baby, or Angel. (depending on her mood!) They NEED new homes, NOW! I've had kittens before, I did not want them again. But since they kinda came with the territory, (Whiskers you slut you!) I happily made the exception on the basis that they would grace someone else's furniture with their sharp little kitten claws ASAP! These crazy little kitties absolutely wreck the place where we still keep them confined (for their safety, and our convenience while they're still so small). They have plenty of room to play and run, they just can't get out into the rest of the house where we wouldn't be able to keep track of them. They have their own small litterbox, which I think they like to play in as much as poop in, as evidenced by the amount of litter in the floor around it, and the miscellaneous toy that always seems to find it's way into it. I also can't leave their food and water in there with them because they inevitably turn the dishes over during their harrowing and painful sounding wrestling matches. I literally think they must be trying to eat each other alive sometimes! And when we separate them, they cry for each other! MEOW, MEOW, MEOW! OMG! Like I said, it's time for the little boogers to go! I am perfectly happy with my fat, (well, we're working on it anyway, she got very skinny during her time spent on "the streets") lazy, very un-kitten like Whiskers, thank you very much! Oh, and that reminds me, I think it's high time we get our lazy little sweetie fixed, even if she is a strictly inside cat, just to ensure there are no more "surprises" in the future! After all, if a girl wants to get laid bad enough, she'll find a way!

Add a little weirdness to the mix.

This is odd. I get the impression that Bub has begun playing into the typical all-American, man of the house, bread-winner type role, now that he is regularly employed. It's like he wants to be like all the other working husbands and fathers, talking about his day at work, office politics, interpersonal relationships, and trying to fall into the normal workday routine. It's like he has this picture in his head of what the typical working man should look and act like, and since he's never been the typical working man, he's trying to fit himself into that mold. He even came at me a little differently last night as well. It wasn't his usual belligerent lecture about me not listening to precisely what he says and acting accordingly, rather, it was more of a pleading, like "why don't you get what I'm saying to you, and why do you react this way or that, to what I say?" This was prefaced by, "the last thing I want to do is come home from work and fight" It was weird, and completely unlike him, although still loud and condescending (we were in the middle of WalMart- UGH, I hate that! *cringe*) but that's nothing new. Honestly though, I think it was because he is playing into this role, and, to him, that's how a socially accepted member of the normal working force of dads and husbands are supposed to act. I'm not really sure how to take this weirdness at this point. Should I play into his little facade, and try to enjoy some normalcy, while perhaps, working on some of the communication issues we have, while he's in this more receptive state? Or, is it just a matter of time before the facade crumbles, and I'm left to face the consequences of having allowed myself to relax and be more open around him? Maybe his new behavior will give me the opportunity to redirect the disastrous course this marriage has taken, and possibly correct some of the assumptions and stereotypes he's made about me as a wife, mother, and woman. But then, I have to wonder, is it really worth bothering with? If he really does change for the better, is that gonna make me like him any more? Or make me change my mind about the fact that I don't believe we belong together? I highly doubt it, he is, after all, still the same person. And it's the person that I take such issue with. His underlying personality, what makes him who he is, is essentially what I dislike about him so. I just don't see the man he is, changing in such a profound way, to actually allow me to enjoy being around him. But, at least, if he sticks with this new roll, I will be able to better tolerate him and this situation I force myself to stay in. Regardless of what is happening now, or what is still to come, at least he is providing for his family the way he should. And when I dropped him off at the office this morning, I just couldn't seem to wipe the big 'ol cheesy grin off my face. FINALLY, we can try to live like "regular" folks do! Wonder why this means so much to me??

Unbelievable news!!

OH, MY-FREAKING-GOD!! Bub got an honest to goodness, 8-5, Monday-Friday, real, paying, JOB!!! Not due to any actual effort put forth on his part, mind you, the damn thing literally fell into his lap, but that's beside the point. I really just can't believe it! See Jilly, fate! ;D Don'tcha believe, even a little?? So, here's the scoop. The owner of a local, well established, software/web development firm decided it was finally time to expand his operation to include several full time computer programmers, (one of which would be the lead or head programmer) to keep up with his company's expedient growth. Apparently, he kept an old resume of Bub's, received from my husband's last attempt at finding gainful employment, approximately 5 years ago. I guess he hung on to it because he liked what he saw, and had hoped to use it one day. Anyway, this guy Jim, sent Bub an email wondering if he were still interested and available, and asked Bub to contact him back if that were the case. Of course, my idiot husband almost missed the opportunity entirely because he only sporadically checks his email, but that's nothing new, and at least he did this time, right?! So, he emailed him back and they set up a time to meet (on Sunday, no less. This guy was really anxious to get the ball rolling!). Anyway, Jim was obviously impressed because Bub started work yesterday as the lead developer! I have to give Bub some credit here, although I have little respect for the man/father/husband that he is, the boy does know his shiznit when it comes to puters! He is exceptionally gifted in his chosen profession, and he absolutely loves what he does. Not a lot of people can say that and I know he feels fortunate that he can. He is also quite a savvy negotiator, letting Jim know in no uncertain terms, exactly how well he expects to be compensated for his impressive skill set, once he as proven himself worthy. Something, he explained, he has complete and utter confidence in. Jim, being a direct individual himself, just ate this cocky attitude shit up, and thoroughly expressed his excitement at finding someone who'll fit his style and needs so thoroughly. Yeah, I get the feeling I'm not gonna like this Jim so much, he and my husband think waaaaay too much alike!

Now, let me just comment briefly on the impeccable timing of this whole deal. Had this occurred, even 1 or 2 months ago, Bub absolutely would not have even entertained the idea. Had he any hope at all for the survival of the store, he would have passed immediately, assuming of course, that he could somehow manage to save his sinking ship. He is passionate about being his own boss, and owning his own (profitable) business. So anything less is viewed as failure in his eyes. But the fact that he finally gave up on the store and closed it down, and hadn't yet had the opportunity or capital to put his next venture in place, (yes, there's always a next one) means that this was the only time this could have worked out the way it did, thank goodness!! Yes Virginia, I do believe there's a Santa Claus. OMG! The relief at the thought of a steady, reliable paycheck! I just can't explain the magnitude of this after years of scraping by on the possibility or promise of some money coming from here or there. I could just cry. I am still stuck in disbelief, I just cannot wrap my head around the idea that we are going to get real, steady paychecks, that are actually enough to pay our bills! ENOUGH TO PAY OUR BILLS!! And potentially a whole lot more! I just don't even know what to say. I am shocked at how perfectly it all worked out. I can't believe my husband is getting up a 7:00 every morning, getting dressed in real clothes (business-casual), and working in an actual office for eight hours a day! God, I hope he doesn't screw this thing up! That is my worst fear, that he screws this up. From past experience, I know that he tends to get complacent, sleeping late, taking unnecessary liberties with a relaxed environment. He's really never fit it with the "corporate" environment, so I'm worried that this time will prove to be no different. But, at least the stability is here for now, and I'm going to try to be optimistic. I feel a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and I can finally take a moment to relax a bit, because I now know (at least for the time being) that we will continue to have a place to live, electricity, a car to drive, food to eat, etc. Because, I gotta tell ya, after this last disaster, I was really beginning to wonder. Oh! And I almost forgot one of the best parts of this whole thing! I finally have my house back!! I have it all to myself again, all day long. No more walking on eggshells, wondering if I'm gonna have to endure another 3-hour "discussion" during the middle of the day. Or not being able to go somewhere because of the off chance that he may wake up and need me to take him on some crazy errand. I have my cherished freedom and solitude back, with no more anxiety filled sense of impending doom in the pit of my stomach. Normalcy. But a new normalcy, one based on monetary stability. A type of normalcy I've never really experienced before, but am sooooo looking forward to. Oh my god, please don't let this house of cards come crashing down. I need this stability right now, I absolutely need it. It's about damn time.

An interesting observation.

Friday night, as I munched my way through my massive salad, it occurred to me about half way through it, that I really wasn't hungry anymore. Not stuffed, or even full, just not hungry anymore. So, of course, I stopped eating, right? Well, hell no! I just kept right on chowing down. Why? Well, a few different reasons, I think. #1. It tastes so damn good! #2. I told myself, it's not like it was a big ass bowl of ice cream, this stuff is good for me so I might as well keep eating it, right? It couldn't hurt. Hmmm, let's come back to that one, 'cause that's just too effed up for one obligatory statement to cover. #3. I reasoned with myself that I needed the calories, which were no more than usual, but as I've mentioned before, I feel as though my body fat percentage has gotten too low, and I don't particularly like the way my bones seem to protrude from my too thin, saggy skin. So, I've been consciously trying to eat a little more, especially more good fats, in an effort to "fill out" a bit. Because of this, I certainly didn't want to eat any less than I normally would, so I finished the damn thing off even though I knew I was no longer hungry. So, that got me thinking, (oh-oh, here we go again!) wasn't the point of this whole thing (besides losing weight and saving my life) to learn how to effectively manage my messed up relationship with food? Here's where we go back to #2. My body clearly let me know that I didn't want or need any more to eat, and I recognized the cue, which I know is major in of itself, yet I chose to ignore what my body was telling me, and finish the bowl off anyway. Why? Because it was "good" for me? Because "it wouldn't hurt"? WTF! It's still the same 'ol bad habits, even if it is with healthier foods. So, yeah, it does hurt because it contradicts the new, good habits that I'm so earnestly trying to follow, regardless of what kind of food it is. It's like I've moved my focus from junk food to healthier food, but the underlying issues that contributed to my obesity in the first place, are still ever present. I can and do still binge from time to time, but more often than not, it's on something like strawberries or cucumbers. Not saying that I don't also still binge on the same 'ol junky food, but I purposely limit my access to those foods simply because I still have trouble controlling myself around them. But the "healthy" stuff, I have unlimited access to, and allow myself more freedom with because of their good nutritional value. But that doesn't change the fact that when I overeat or binge on them, that's it's still an unhealthy manifestation of my messed up relationship with food. So, in my almost 2 years of maintenance, (OMG, it is almost 2 years! This month in fact!) I still haven't resolved some pretty major factors that go directly to the core of why I became and remained fat for my entire life.

Hmmmm, thinking again... oh-oh! I realize that I'll never be "cured" of my addiction, but I guess I thought I had, or at least, should have, made more progress with the "head stuff" by now. Or, perhaps, just the fact that I can recognize these tendencies for what they are now, (well, most of the time anyway!) means that real and meaningful progress has been made, but my propensity towards perfectionism clouds my perception of success. I guess the idea that these issues can or should be resolved at all is ridiculous, since resolving them would, in essence, be curing me of my addiction, which is in complete contradiction to what I know to be true. This disease is something that I will be dealing and living with, day in and day out, for the rest of my life. Plain and simple. Losing the weight has not changed my core being; the way my brain processes impulse, desire, and control. It has only changed the way I manage these issues. I will always be a "fat girl" at heart, mind, and soul. But the fat girl just happens to come in a smaller, healthier package now. Yeah, I guess I can live with that. After all, I am still, and perhaps always will be, just a work in progress.