I think we're done. Really, who needs silly boys anyways? They're just someone else to clean up after and cook for. Someone else to worry about, as if I needed more to worry about. Someone to talk and relate to, someone to share your life with. Someone to be there when you need them or to be there for them when needed. Someone to make you smile and blush, and frustrate you beyong belief. Maybe I'll just get another cat...

So, don’t do it eh? Right now I have no legal ground to say what I will and won’t let her do because nothing is yet in writing. And I honestly don’t feel like I have much choice here lest I risk her resenting me for the rest of her life. Plus, I know how it would all end up, its not like this would ever be permanent. I dunno, I guess I just feel like she’s got to learn this one for herself, to realize that perhaps I really am the best choice she has right now. Things are getting back to normal though, now that it’s on him to make it happen rather than me saying it can’t happen. She has chilled out and we’re just going on about our business. I also have a little birdie in my ear telling me its time to quit making nice and start standing up for Em and myself. To finally put an end to this nonsense once and for all and quit worrying about making Bub mad at me all the time. The silly boy is right of course; I’ll never truly be free of Bub unless I toughen up. I went to visit another lawyer last week, a hardass chick who specializes in family law and child custody. Basically Bub wouldn’t stand a chance, which I knew, but it’s nice to hear it nonetheless. She even reduced her retainer fee for me knowing that he would have absolutely no ground to stand on. I didn’t give her the go ahead though because I found her to be an absolute shrew of a woman and I decided I’d rather shop around than be subjected to her crudeness. The first turn off was her chain smoking throughout the consultation. Are people even allowed to do that in offices anymore? Ick.

New chick just found out she has Hepatitis C, which is transmitted through blood, primarily by sharing needles. Karma baby. There’s a chance Bub has it too, though he’ll have to wait to be tested, as it doesn’t show up for at least six months after contact. Don’t ask why he might have it, you don’t wanna know. I’ll just say this; it’s only transmitted through blood, not sexual contact, and he’s never been a needle user. Seriously, you don’t wanna know.

Oh, and get this; he’s still jobless (of course) and they have been trying survive on new chick’s disability (crazy) check. But they are completely out of money and have no food, so the idiot actually had the nerve to ask me if I knew anyone looking to score pills because new chick has prescription narcotics and he thought this might be a good way to earn some grocery money. Um…. Hello? As if I would know anyone who would buy his drugs! Who is this man?? Then he asked if he could borrow the money it would take to get said prescription filled so that the pills could even be sold in the first place. Honestly, I’m not sure what else to say. We didn’t live this seedy life when we were together, so to see where he is now, well, I’m speechless.

But somehow in his head none of this matters because he believes he can still provide a loving home for Em. Because in Bubba world there’s a logical explanation for everything and as long as he believes something to be true, then it is, no questions asked. Perhaps its time for Bubba world to meet the legal world? Now wouldn’t that be a sobering experience?

Waves white flag in defeat, I surrender. Make nice and all will be well cuz really, what choice do I have? Plenty. But none worth taking. She wants to live with him, mostly because I said she can’t I suspect. So be it. There are conditions. He must have a job, transportation and a room for her, oh yeah, and he can’t kill himself either. Mwahaa. (Snide sideways glance of indignation.) So fine, meet the criteria (snicker, good luck with that) and you both get your way. I give it three weeks tops. Its almost as if she has to put herself through this shit again periodically just to remember how bad it was. I’ve blocked a lot of it too, but at least I retain enough to remind me to keep my distance. Ahhh distance, what a lovely thought, sigh…

I’m working on getting myself disentangled from him financially, with regard to back taxes. I have filed a claim to get relief from liability of the tax debt we owe from the last time we (or he) actually filed taxes in 2001. Because I filed this claim I was able to keep my tax return this year, unlike last year when they took the whole damn thing. This year though, all is well so far. I’ll even get to partake in the stimulus package this time around too. There was one a few years ago if I remember correctly but we wouldn’t have gotten it even if we had filed our taxes. Anyway, all of this is coming in quite handy because I’ll finally be able to pay off my credit card debt (acquired while work was almost nonexistent) aaaaaand be able to afford mine and Em’s road trip out west this summer!! That’s right, we’re headed back to sunny California! But wait; hold on to your hats for this, we’re going with my brother, sil, and their THREE kids… all in one minivan. Two 10-year-olds, one 7-year-old and one 3-year-old. Teehee, this should be interesting.

I’d like to visit the silly boy this summer too, but who knows how that whole thing is gonna work out. It’s a lot to ask y’know? To knowingly invite another into this chaos. Its really not fair of me to do that to him, so I’m kinda thinking it may be better to forget the whole thing now. Even if I really don’t wanna. It would be hell though, to have another man, and a nice one at that, competing for Em’s attention. Bub wouldn’t have it, not a chance. No matter what, no other man will ever be good enough to receive his blessing as a “father figure” for Em, and he’ll illustrate his disapproval at every opportunity. I’ve been kidding myself thinking that it might be ok somehow. I should have just stuck with the cat lady idea like I was supposed to. Plus the silly boy wants kids and I simply cannot go that route again. Just can’t… won’t. This is something that I know in the core of my being and will not negotiate on. Take it or leave it baby, take it or leave it.

I must admit I’m rethinking this whole single mom, work and school full time gig I have going here. I don’t know how people do it. My writing teacher said, “they don’t have kids and they live at home with their mom’s doing their laundry.” Yeah, makes sense, hence the term “non traditional”. Too bad that category doesn’t come with free childcare and more lenient deadlines. But then again, how fair would that be? People do this all the time, I know they do, I’ve seen the success stories. Yet here I am, hanging on by the skin of my teeth wondering just what in the hell I was thinking. Maybe I should have waited. Maybe I should have done a lot of things. Stick a fork in me, I’m done.