In time

We went to see MIB3 today, best bad ending I've seen in a while! Definitely left the theater with a happy feel good. It was also the first time Em had been out of the house in nearly a week and a half as school is now out for the summer. I need to make a point of dragging her out more often, the isolation reeks havoc with her mental illness. She was anxious, paranoid and alternately on the brink of hysterics and giddiness. During her hospitalization last summer I came to a very sobering realization that she may very well never be able to function "normally" in society, and that I may in fact have to care for her the rest of my life. We try to live as if she'll go off to college after high school, settle into a career and even have real adult relationships someday. But do I truly believe that's what her future holds? Well some days are harder than others, but I have hope, even if that's all I have at times. Perhaps the epilogue to this memoir, should it ever become one, can be a happily ever after of sorts. Or perhaps it will simply be broken into two parts; one for Bub and our journey through and out of hell. And one for Em; dealing with the aftermath and navigating her mental illness. They really are two separate stories at this point, though intertwined as they may be. It's food for thought for sure, I just don't know if I still have it in me to get the second half down on, well...keyboard actually, lol. I'm tired, and the thought overwhelms me, but I know it must be done. In time...

Ugg

I just threw a full scale hissy fit! I had to pick up a prescription and a few odds and ends and when I got to the register my dubious checker placed the prescription on the check counter and proceeded to bag the rest. I asked him to please bag the prescription and he did so without acknowledgement or even a glance in my direction. Apparently he was far too busy checking out the ass of the female checker at the register behind him to bother with pleasantries or even eye contact for that matter, but whatever, just get on with it. Anyway, when finished he placed both bags atop the bag carousel and hastily shoved the receipt towards my hand with his back to me as he was straining to see the hottie at register two. Again, whatever, nary a thank you or have a good night, unnecessary as they may be. I then saunter out to the car enjoying the unseasonably cooler weather and lovely breeze. Once home I unpack the few odds and ends and low and behold, no freakin prescription. D'oh! That was the whole point of the trip in the first place! My frustration erupts as I recall Casanova's utter disregard for customer service. I stomp back out to the car in a huff and drive once again to the store just seething. Now we all know good and well that I don't make a fuss...usually. Oh but a fuss was made tonight! Of course Casanova is no longer at the register so I walk up to the customer service desk and briskly announce that the incompetent checker at register one needs to pay more attention to his job than the ladies as he has failed the task miserably. *crickets....chirp, chirp* My prescription please? Oh! Wide eyed doe # one says, it's right here! He tried to chase you down to give it to you. Yes, I'm sure my fat ass was simply too quick for him. I proceeded to speak my mind and they made all the appropriate feeble excuses for his incompetence, but in the end I said my peace and felt mollified by my uncharacteristic outburst. Score!

Yep

So my boss is a dickweed. A nice enough guy, funny even and a fine specimen of male hotness but a dickweed nonetheless. There is, of course, an extensive history of his douchey moves to warrant such a description, none of which I wish to expound upon currently, but I simply felt the need to assert his dickweed status. Carry on.

Bandwagon

So I get this random check in the mail from some court case which I assume to be a fraud but figure wth and look it up anyway. Turns out it was from a class action lawsuit about a credit card company sending text messages to customers even after opting out. So I call the number provided and low and behold, no participation was necessary, if you got any of the erroneous texts you were automatically included, hence the random and unexpected check. It was only a hundred bucks and it didn't bounce so wth, I'll take it!

On the bandwagon I am! Ate clean all day and now I gotta spend some time with my dear old friend the gazelle. If I can just stick with the workouts I know me well enough to know rest will follow. It truly sucks to be in a place where "starting over" is required. I honestly believed I'd never be here again; how's that for a reality check? It's nice to have the structure and to be tracking things again though. Holding myself accountable is key, if I can't see what I'm doing (or not doing) on paper then I don't have to face it. And by god it's time I faced it again!

Mojo

Yesterday would have been my 17th wedding anniversary, wow. There was a time when I had resigned myself to staying at least until Em graduates high school, another three whole years! I struggle to even imagine the life we'd still be living had I stayed, it seems so far removed from who I am today. Different lifetime, different person, different perspectives...

It's time to get my health back under control. Yes, I've gained, the hell you say?! That's something I do miss about the old me. That steadfast resolve, my unwavering commitment to healthy living. I stopped caring, or at least trying somewhere along the way and what I'm left with is uncertainty that I can ever be that girl again. A friend at work had a wake up call (same one who triggered my need to blog again) and I decided to get back on the bandwagon with her. She's even familiar with 3fc and was suitably impressed with my long forgotten affiliation there. I logged back on yesterday btw, even recognized a few familiar old screen names. I poked around a bit, did some reading, but felt out of place, just as I do here now to be quite honest. Like I don't deserve to be a part of something that I abandoned so long ago. Silly I know but what am I if not honest? Anyhoo, we've decided our victory lap will be a hike down to the waterfall (and back up of course, as that's the most grueling part) at Petit Jean Mountain. It's gonna take some time to get back into that kind of shape but it's not like I haven't done it before or don't know how. Time I got, mojo is what's lacking.

Passing fancy

New job, new perspectives, new challenges, new rewards. I wish the words came like they used to; I wish I cared to even try. I wish I still had something so prolific to work towards that warranted introspective posts. One day at a time; wax on, wax off. I've been with HP for two years now, not a far stretch from the church ladies but office politics and corporate attitudes prevail. It's been a tough couple of years, mostly consumed with Em's mental illness though I feel I can safely say that we have reached the summit and are slowly making our way back down. There was a hospitilization, finally a proper diagnosis and mercifully more effective medication. She seems more a "normal" teenager(yes teenager, 15 this summer)than not, and the good days far outweigh the bad. I've been seeing someone for six months now. We are both single parents so our time together is precious and sparse but oh so worth the sacrifice. He calls me his queen and genuinely makes me feel as such, what more could a girl ask for? Bub spent some time in jail for domestic violence and then actively shut Em out of his life for nearly a year. Unfortunately it didn't stick but Em is fully aware of what she can expect from him, which isn't much, and has thus formed a sort of quasi relationship with him that seems to fulfill her inherent paternal needs. In short, he's simply a non issue anymore. I suppose time does heal all wounds... So why am I back? A friend from work shared her blog and the old familiar pangs to air my dirty laundry returned, go figure. This blog saved my life once and when I finally get up the gumption to transform it into a printed and bound memoir rather than an idealistic passing fancy then perhaps it will provide a new life some day. Seems a bit of attention is long past due wouldn't you agree?

My grandma says to me tonight, “So I hear you have a boyfriend?” D'oh, slaps forehead. Been talking to mom have we? Oy vey. She just wants me to be as happy as she was with grandpa. Sounds good to me. She's lonely during the holidays too she says, she and grandpa used to have so much fun this time of year. I wonder if she noticed the hitch in my voice as I held back tears while we chatted about old times? That's what we always do, along with her telling of morbid old lady jokes that make me belly laugh and realize that growing old really can be done gracefully. Thank you for the call Grandma, I needed that tonight. So apparently the old potted pine tree grandpa hauled into the house each Christmas was bought the year their oldest child Steve was killed in a tragic motorcycle accident. I had no idea. It's been planted in the backyard ever since it got too big to bring in the house and is now as tall as the telephone wires. I always thought it was so kewl they had their own Christmas tree to use each year. Of course there was always lots of kewl stuff at grandma and grandpa's house. I saw a remake of the 50's something Barbie in Walmart the other day. Y'know, the one with red, curly hair and a black and white striped one-piece bathing suit? Grandma had that original little gem in the toy box in the poolroom, and even made hand crocheted dresses for the dolls. My cousin Alex and I used to spend hours digging through that toy box and playing Barbies. Oh, and the elaborate blanket forts we made under the pool table! So many fun memories from grandma and grandpa's house...

Em insists she'll bare me no grandchildren, which I'm fine with until she's about 30 or so, but beyond that it's just cruel! The lil' heifer, sheesh.