I’ve been toying with the idea of hanging up my blogger hat for a while now. I’m sure you’ve noticed that posts have been fewer and farther between, mostly because the need to share my triumphs and tribulations has slowly left me over these months of freedom and awakening. This blog has undoubtedly served its purpose, providing an outlet, solace, understanding, support, my way out, and some pretty damn good free therapy. Were it not for this blog, I can safely say that I would still be living existing in my own personal hell. I would not have reached out to others had they not reached out to me first. I never would have been able to give a name to what was happening to Em and I, and I never would have told anyone, ever. Instead I would have quietly stayed, shrouded in shame, solitude and misery, never even allowing myself the hope that things could somehow be different. Were it not for someone dear to me unobtrusively following my plight and stepping in quietly, letting the cat out of the bag when I needed it most, well… I honestly don’t know how Em and I would have made it through this year had we spent it with Bub. In a sense, this blog saved us. It was certainly the catalyst for my opening up and eventual escape. It started out as a way to record my thoughts, so harried and scrambled in my mind. But now there is mostly calm and peace and honestly not much worth writing about anymore in my opinion. Sure, there will always be drama and special events in our lives, but quite frankly, I no longer feel that drive or urgency to lay it all out there, desperately seeking approval and validation anymore. I’m good now, I’m calmer, happier, and learning what it’s like to be me. I still struggle with my inner fat chick, I’m still a people pleaser, but these things are not new to me, and will forever be a part of me. So I’ve been questioning my reason for continuing, and I really wasn’t sure what I should do. So what did I do? I talked about it, that’s what, and out loud to boot. Gasp! Yup, I do that now, cool huh? I asked my mom for her opinion, as I now do more frequently and with greater honesty than I’ve ever done before. She’s my person as Yang would say, and I’m so grateful to have her. Anyway, she allowed me to see that not only the dramatic need be postworthy. That my boring ol’ life, calm and peaceful as it finally is, can still be postworthy, because it’s still my life. So here’s the plan; I’ve decided that this is no longer going to be the “Bub” blog that it has become, as I’m quite disinterested in allowing him to continue occupying so much space in my head. It will also cease to be a weight loss/maintenance blog, as that is no longer what defines me. This shall now be a “me” blog, boring, inconsequential bullshit and all. ;D Now, I can’t guarantee any renewed regularity in posting, but I can say that I plan on sticking around, and I do hope y’all will decide to stick it out with me.

IT SOLD!!!

Hot diggity damn, the Durango sold! OMG, I am beside myself with joy and relief. No more car payments, period. Such a weight has been lifted, it’s wonderful!! We even got enough to pay off that initial amount I charged to my credit card to bring the payments current. It still wasn’t enough to cover a couple hundred dollars worth of work we had done to it, but that’s okay, the important stuff will be handled, the debt wiped clean! Woohoo!! Happy dance, happy dance! This, of course, makes the rest of my post that much better. I started writing what follows a few days ago, before we sold the car, so the significance of it has just become even greater.

From Saturday…

Well, I got tired of waiting and wondering, so I decided to contact a mortgage company to see what exactly it would take for me to attain credit worthiness for home ownership. I was hoping for some tips and maybe some sort of a plan to follow to get myself started on the right track. I already expected a long wait, and some hard work, and a lot of saving, so I was prepared for whatever they had to say. I told the nice lady about my situation and gave her the go ahead to pull my credit report, and you know what she found? A pretty damn good score all things considered. HUH? She said that once we get that stupid Durango sold, and I have a little more time under my belt with my second job, getting me a loan shouldn’t be a problem at all. In fact, she said if I was ready for it, she could probably get the process started this summer! It wouldn’t be anything extravagant, of course, as I simply couldn’t afford the payments on the type of house I’d like to have. But that’s okay; it’s well worth it. Like having kids, if I wait til you can afford it (it being my dream house) then I’ll never have it. As always, baby steps are the way to go. Anyway, I was surprised, to say the least, but oh so glad I asked. I honestly didn’t think this would be an attainable goal for the near future; so hearing this news has really given me some motivation to reach that goal. Luckily Bub put as much of his crazy business crap in his own name as possible, knowing that at least one of us would need to have salvageable credit one day, so for that at least, I am thankful. In fact, the Durango is the last debt we have left that is technically in both of our names. The other things, like his student loans, he just expects me to help with since the debts were incurred together during our marriage, but my name is not actually on them. And seeing as how he has no intention of paying those debts for as long as he can get away with it, then I’m really not gonna worry too much about it. We’ll cross those bridges when we come to them. Anyway, for now, the first order of business is to start some savings, and then to keep the bigger picture in mind when contemplating sticking to my budget. And then maybe, just maybe, by this time next year, Em, Mischief, and I will be happily settled into our own little home with a fenced in back yard and wall colors of our very own choosing. Ahhhhh…

Ug, I must be PMSing because it’s around that time when my mood dips the most. Which really isn’t that bad now with my happy pills, but I still notice the difference just the same. BTW, a quick note on said happy pills, I discovered that they are now on that WalMart $4.00 drug list, so my happy pills have just made me even happier!! :D But I digress, I’m feeling blah, and I don’t like it! To tell the truth, as much as I love working from home and all of its fantastic advantages, I’m really just bored and burnt out. I can’t imagine doing this (particularly the telemarketing stuff) FOREVER. There’s just no way. But there honestly isn’t anything that I want to do, well, nothing that I can earn a living doing anyway, so here I am. I want to own a home, I want to have savings, I want to be able to take real vacations, and I want to enjoy real financial stability rather than just getting by. Granted, I can at least pay the bills on time now, and I am in control of my own finances, but now that I can count on that, I guess I just want more.

Em’s been grounded all week for hitting another little boy at school. She got sent to the principle’s office where she received a formal written warning that I had to sign and return. She has “issues” with controlling herself, especially when upset, and this kid is veeeeery easily upset. She’s extremely particular and likes things to be a certain way (usually her way), so when they’re not, well, Katie bar the door! She’s quite introspective too though; she’s actually said to me (after one of her “incidents” that she must get her volatile personality form Bub. So perhaps there’s hope for her yet, as she can actually recognize some of her more undesirable personality traits and relate them to how they affect her actions. If only we all could be so intuitive. Yep, if she can just get through her childhood without committing a felony, I think she’s gonna turn out all right!

My mom just reminded me that my birthday is coming soon. I guess I knew it was coming, but I didn’t realize how close it was. I’ll be 30 on March 3, the big 3-Oh. I wonder if I should do something to celebrate this milestone? I’m not big on parties or spending money on myself for that matter, but perhaps a little something special would be nice. I dunno, I’ll think about it, I still have a little time. Bub has already told me what he’s doing for his birthday. Apparently he’s going to rent a party room in some bar in Little Rock and invite all of his freaky-ass friends for a rockin good time. He also just bought himself a new 40 in. LCD TV from a rent to own place. $2400.00 for the TV, but $5400.00 in all due to exuberant rent to own finance charges. I guess he figures he can afford it now that Jim has asked him to stay on, and because his dad has opted to pay off the loan that we took in their name by taking out an even larger loan and keeping the balance for he and Bub’s mom to use for themselves. This is the loan that Bub got them to take out for us when his last business failed so that we could afford to live until he found another job. And the one I’ve continued to pay my share of since I left. So even though it’s great for me (no more $115.00 payment per month) his dad is royally screwing himself. But he’s stubborn and has his mind made up to do this, so that’s that. Sometimes I wonder what Bub and I ever saw in each other, as we couldn’t possibly be more different. He sees the extra money as just more to blow; I see it as a way to start some savings. He sees renting to own a 40 freakin’ inch TV as an acceptable way to purchase unnecessary luxuries when you have shitty credit. I’m of the mind that if you can’t afford to buy something like that, then you save up until you can. Or at least use a credit card with a reasonable APR and try to pay it off as quickly as possible. But if your credit is so bad that you can’t even get a credit card with a reasonable APR, and more than a $300 limit, then don’tcha think you ought not be buying a 40 FREAKIN INCH TV??!!

Okay, I’m done. As I like to continuously remind myself; this kind of ridiculous crap is no longer my problem. Thank goodness!! Anyway, that’s about all I can muster for now. I feel grumpy so I’m gonna go sulk and be thankful that I had the presence of mind to pawn the M&M jar off on Bub when I did. Otherwise, well… let’s not go there, shall we? ;D

Okay, okay, I'm back, finally! Things have been a bit hectic, you know how it is, life happens. Anyhoo, here's my answers to the quiz ya'll took.

Fav movie? American Beauty
My middle name? Anne
My job? Tech support/telemarketing
My life’s ambition? Nuttin’ independently wealthy ;D
Body part? Finger
Singer? Alanis Morrisette
Rather do? Grey’s & yogurt
Mischief’s original name? Precious
Dream vacation? Alaskan Cruise
Times I’ve moved? Who the hell knows!

Let me know if you want the link to check out how you did. It displays last names if you used them so I won't post it here. I am happy to report that no one answered Bob for my middle name, nor did anyone guess phone sex operator for either work related question. I was surprised by how many people got the question about moving right, honestly, who the hell really does know? A lot, that says enough. Why American Beauty? I dunno, it moved me deeply and I've loved it ever since. But the others listed, along with so many more, come in so close as well. Steel Magnolias, Fried Green Tomatoes, Dirty Dancing, the list goes on and on. Yes, my brother almost cut my finger off when I was a toddler. It was an accident of course, but he still argues the circumstances of the event to this day (putting the blame mostly on me!). Mischief was Precious until we took her in to get spayed and discovered that he needed to be neutered. The rest? Well, personal preference. Whatever floats yer boat right? ;D

Em and I went to Chocoholics Dream Night Out last Friday. If you'll recall, we attended this Humane Society fundraiser around the same time last year and had an ooey-gooey yummy time! This time they were a little more organized and it turned out to be a huge success by the looks of the place. They also added a few extras like a kid's room complete with their own mini chocolate fountain and kid friendly activities. In addition to that, they held a silent auction and had a pet adoption area, aaaaaaand a "guess how many M&M's and win them all" game. Guess who won the whole damn lot??????????
















Yep, me. 4,840 peanut, regular, and dark chocolate M&M's. Like that's what I needed around here. Oy vey! So I gave them to Bub and his roommates (yes, minus... a few? But honestly, what did'ja expect??!!)

The kitty is doing fabulously well. His incision has healed without even a hint of infection, and he's finally putting some weight back on his skinny little bones. I'll be taking him to get his stitches out this week, and barring any further run-ins with holiday adornment, I think the mischievous little rascal should end up being all right. I hope so anyway, I can't say how many lives this cat may have left!