Saturday, May 27th. was my 11th. wedding anniversary. Best damn anniversary I've had in I don't know how long! Last year, on our 10th., neither one of us even acknowledged it. Me; because I didn't want to, him; I'm figuring it was because he forgot, which was perfectly fine by me. Y'know, I used to have expectations of special days, but I gave that up long ago. Then I just got to where I hoped they would pass without incident; sometimes they did, more often than not, they didn't. That's life, it's over now, thank god.

So Em and I spent the whole day just out doing fun stuff on Saturday. We've been tense with each other; she and I, but we still managed to have a blast regardless. I think I'm hormonal and she's most likely just sick of dear ol' mom. Some days I feel like I'm getting a handle on the effective parenting stuff, other days, not so much. It's normal, I suppose, but boy did she ever get to me today. Daddy bought her all new Bratz bedding for her room at his house, and a new Bratz doll to boot. And so her resentment towards our new, more frugal lifestyle started oozing out of every pore. Here are just some of the highlights; Daddy has more money than you do, (this was at the arcade when I put a limit on the tokens) daddy's stuff is better than yours, my stuff at daddy's house is better than here, you would never get me all the neat stuff daddy got me, daddy's food (grilled cheese) and drinks are better than yours. This last one is because he lets her eat like shit over there while I'm still desperately trying to thwart off her natural predisposition towards obesity, which I've been successful in thus far, but am now beginning to have my doubts about being able to maintain. Anyway, she was just pissed because it's all fun and good at daddy's now, and here she must contend with the realities of day to day living with rules and restrictions and responsibilities, blah! Y'know, I really don't blame her for being so resentful, but damn if it didn't just cut right to the core. So after I got back from dropping her off at Bub's for a visit today, I just sat my sorry ass down and bawled my eyes out like a baby. Then I called my mom to bitch and moan and cry some more. And she listened and soothed and did all the appropriate mom stuff. I am so unbelievably grateful to have her, even if she's not close by, she's always just a phone call away. What on earth was I thinking going so long in isolation like I did? Never reaching out to her or anyone about the nightmare I've been living? It all seems so stupid now, but what's done is done and I need only move forward from here. Learning to ask for help, and knowing it's okay to do so; that's a big one for me, but I'm getting there. Anyway, back to the stuff with Em. It's natural to want to compete, I'm sure, but I know I can't go there, even if I could afford it. And I know I'm just being an irrational, co-dependent, insecure nutjob, but dammit, I just don't want to lose her! Not that I really would, as we are all clear on the fact that she is to remain living with me, but I guess my problem is that I want her to want to be with me, y'know? That's what I really mean by "losing her". Anyway, she was supposed to stay the night with Bub tonight (Sunday) since tomorrow is Memorial day, but she developed a headache and was asking for me, so of course, I ran over there lickity split to baby my baby. Is it sick that her asking for me made me feel so much better? Man, talk about co-dependent! So I brought her home, she threw up, (which is typical of her migraines) and now she's asleep on the couch. And somehow, all is right with the world again. I hate it when she's not here, I really really do.

Wow, I honestly have so much else to talk about that I don't even know where to start, and quite frankly, I just don't feel like it right now. So, I'm gonna go lick my wounds and try to quit feeling sorry for myself, and hopefully I'll be in a better frame of mind soon. Wish me luck, will ya? ;D

Ahhh, just in the nick of time!!

Okay, I know I promised myself that my next post would be lie somewhere in the realm of normal to mundane, whatever that may be, but this was just too much to pass up. So pierced ears, first bras and schoolyard crushes, along with all the other incidental details of our "new normal" life will have to wait for just a bit longer.

Well, the inevitable has finally happened, Bub quit his job. I figured it was coming since he's been hinting at problems at work (as usual) for a while now, but since I am no longer subjected to the endless rants filled with ominous urgency to "figure something else out" so he can finally get out of there, it was definitely news to me. He called to let me know, asking first if I had a moment to talk without Em around. Right then and there my anxiety kicked into high gear, my heart started racing and I knew I was in for something. I wonder if the day will ever come that I don't have this kind of sickening automatic reaction to his requests for any sort of a serious talk? God, I hate that feeling, it just takes me right back to such a horrid place that I'd just as soon forget all about. Anyway, I said sure, I have a minute. And he laid it on me. But the actual purpose of the call was to tell me that he was no longer gonna be able to pay the one mutual monthly bill that I left with him when I moved out, and he needed to know what we were gonna do about it. This bill (a loan payment) is both of our responsibility, but since my budget wouldn't allow for it considering everything else I took on, I left it for him to handle. But now that he can't afford it either, well, like I said, he needs to know what we're gonna do about it. See, he has to know something, even if there are no real answers, he has to have a plan because he can't just leave things up to chance. I told him that we would take care of it one way or another, and when it's time for the bill to be due, to let me know what he can do and we'll get it paid since I have a little money set aside right now and it wouldn't be too much of a hardship. But I did tell him that it's not something that I'll be able to continue to do, but for right now I can help if he needs it. But he wasn't satisfied because the problem wasn't fixed. He cannot stand to just let something go when there's no solution at hand. He thought I was hedging and not being willing to take responsibility or make a commitment to getting it paid. How exactly does he expect me to commit to paying it when I simply can't afford it either? So I reiterated that I understand my joint responsibility in this and that we would find a way to take care of it no matter what, but that I couldn't tell him how right now, and that was just gonna have to be good enough. Anyway, he was being pissy and all of the old thoughts and feelings ran scrambling through my head and body like always. But I held strong and didn't let him engage me in his problems, even when he so casually said he'll let me know if he ends up having to move or something if he can't afford to live there anymore. But then, guess what? I got to hang up the phone and all those bad old feelings soon subsided! OMG! And now I can't seem to wipe the grin off my face! After I hung up with him, all I could think, feel, and say was; NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM! Over and over again I said it, shouted it, cheered it, hell, I even saaaaaang it and danced to it! Not anymore, not my fucking problem. No longer do I have to worry where the money is coming from or how long until it all dries up. No longer do I have to scramble in instability each time the next new business or idea fails. No longer do I have to agree to his ridiculous plans or go along with the next big thing that will finally start reeling in the dough. No more tensely awaiting the next shoe to drop, just wishing and hoping that he'll keep the first stable form of income we've had in years for just a little bit longer. Because now, my stability is up to me, and me alone. It is whatever I make of it, and his stupid shit is no longer my problem! And then it suddenly hit me what things must have been like around his house over the last few weeks leading up to his quitting his job. I feel unbelievably sorry for his friends that moved in with him after I moved out, as they must surely have been subjected to mind numbing ramblings which have always been intended solely for me. And it also hit me that tonight will NOT be filled with endless conversation about what to do now and trying to come up with an acceptable solution before finally letting it go for the time being. Tonight, I get to work on my blog, curl up with a book, cuddle with my girl, eat what ever the hell I feel like for dinner, watch whatever I want on TV, and squeeze in an extra workout on my Gazelle. Tonight will be calm and peaceful and mercifully, beautifully quiet... :)

Progress... perhaps?

First of all, I want to thank everyone for your support of my last post. I have to admit, I expected a much different reaction, and had actually debated on whether or not to go into as much detail as I did. I kinda thought y'all would tell me to quit playing around with this stuff and leave it all in my lawyer's hands, including any contact as well as custody and visitation issues considering all the crap he told her. And I figured y'all would think I was crazy for being willing to let the events of last weekend go like I did. Well, I guess I didn't let them go exactly, but I certainly didn't deal with them in the way I expected everyone to think I should. That's what I get for ASS-U-MEing, uh? Anyway, I was just floored to read all of the supportive comments about how I did choose to handle it. It really made me feel like maybe, just maybe I'm doing something right, y'know?

And about the vacation idea, well, I'm taking everyone's concerns into consideration and I plan on getting some feedback from Em's counselor before anything is decided. But knowing us the way I do, I honestly think it could work out just great. Like I said though, nothing is decided and we've still got plenty of time before anything needs to be. So for right now, I'll just leave that one as a we'll see what happens.

So, on to the positive progress of this week. Em went to hang out with Bub Wednesday evening and about an hour after dropping her off I get a call from Bub asking me to come to where they are. Apparently they had had an "incident" and she asked to come home as I told her she could do anytime she felt uncomfortable. Of course I went right away. The story is that she had asked him to take a walk, which was just a guise to steer him towards the Dollar General store a few blocks away, knowing that super-fun-nice-daddy would buy her stuff and spoil her rotten, which he did, of course. Then she asked to go to play miniature golf, also located in the same shopping center, and of course, he obliged. So they went and started playing and she was feeling cocky and full of herself, thinking she could do no wrong as daddy's temper problem has miraculously been fixed, right? Well, she was being her typical self, world revolving solely around her, and not in the mood for anything short of complete fun and total catering to her wishes. Now, from what I could gather, it started off with Em mindlessly swinging her golf club without regard to her surroundings, something that Bub would typically have no tolerance for whatsoever. At first he tried to let it go, fearful of "being his old self" with her and wanting to remain as lenient as possible. As I've mentioned, he absolutely recognizes the need for some changes after I took such drastic measures. And even if he doesn't fully understand the hell he put us through, he realizes he has his own issues that must be dealt with in order to save his relationship with Em. Anyway, he tried to let it go, but by the 2nd or 3rd time she "accidentally" hit him with her club, he asked her to stop. Not sure how he asked her exactly, but I can imagine. Anyway, I'm sure she blew him off and proceeded to continue the behavior, hitting him with her club a few more times and generally not paying attention to her surroundings or thinking that she even needed to. Now, I don't believe that she was doing this intentionally, cause she knows better, but I do believe that she didn't take his request to stop seriously and simply didn't give it another thought or even attempt to not do it anymore. Like I said, world revolving solely around her. Well, he finally had enough and took her aside to thoroughly get on to her and make her understand what she was doing and that she needed to stop right away in typical Bub fashion. By this time, the fact that he was already annoyed was obvious, but she had chosen to ignore and avoid it even though she was feeling the tension of his likely regression to his "old self", in the hopes that it would just go away and he would prove his newfound ability to put up with anything now that he's "all fixed". Well, it didn't work. The tension erupted and each felt the other reacted inappropriately, and after some discussion, Em felt that the conversation was going nowhere other than that suffocating bad place that has unfortunately been the norm of her young life thus far. Anyway, Bub called me, which is big in of itself, knowing that it is his nature to handle things "his way". So the fact that he didn't just override her wishes to call me so I could take her home is something that I'm giving him credit for. As I've stated, he truly wants to work on his issues and find out what it is about himself that caused these feelings, and hopefully change the dynamic of all of our relationships. Which is great for me cause I'll always have to deal with him on some level, so I say, the easier he makes it, the better! And I'm excited for Em to be able to finally have a daddy she can relate to and hopefully have a healthy and satisfying relationship with. Anyway, I showed up and we all sat down to talk. I sort of played the role of mediator, trying to explain the feelings we get when he starts in on us, and how it just shuts us down and puts up our defenses. I also touched upon the fact that he tends to just go on and on (the lectures), especially when he doesn't feel like his concerns are being sufficiently heard and addressed. He is of the mind that problems be addressed right here and now, and not set aside until all conflict is resolved, meaning we see the error of our ways and have apologized sufficiently and clearly know to never do it again, ever. So I acknowledged his "style" but then offered that this style simply doesn't work for everyone, especially an 8 year old with an 8 year old's notoriously short attention span. He had problems with the fact that while he was trying to "talk" to her, she became restless and agitated, and clearly tired of discussing it. Uh, duh! She's 8 you dumb-ass! But he perceives this as disrespect, which only helps to irritate him further, which, in turn, stirs up even more apprehensive feelings in Em and shuts her down even more or provokes inappropriate attitude and sassy backtalk, which she feels justified in because daddy made her angry. See what I mean about her not taking personal responsibility? She's of the mind that she only behaves inappropriately when someone makes her or provokes her anger, and when they do, her reaction is justified cause they "made me". Gee, wonder where she gets that from? No really, I'm sure this is quite the norm for most kids, but good lord, how do you teach the concept of personal responsibility to a child, especially one this focused on placing blame on anyone but herself? Anyway, it was like this big cycle, and each of them was only triggering the other further, and nothing was getting resolved. So I offered the suggestion that when a problem arises, instead of the typical never ending lecture, that he set a timer for 15 minutes in which they both participate in an open exchange to air their issues. And if he feels that the problem needs further discussion after the time has expired, then he has to be willing to put it aside and re-address it later, but with yet another 15 minute time limit. Yes, that's right, I actually gave him some parenting tips! And not only that, but he listened and agreed to try it!! Remember that little revelation I had? Hell yeah baby, I'm actually embracing it! Anyway, I tried to explain to him that while he feels that a problem must be addressed and resolved right away, other's don't necessarily share his opinion and may require a totally different approach. (Not bad for speaking my mind, huh?) Personally, I need time to calm down and collect my thoughts when something like this occurs, and I believe that Em works much in the same way. In the heat of the moment it is difficult to view things from a different perspective, and with our defenses up, we're not always open to dealing with the issue at hand in a productive manner. I also acknowledged that Em was most likely contributing to the problem with her typical 8 year old self centered attitude and the fact that she has almost no ability to take responsibility for her own actions. To her, she wasn't doing anything wrong to begin with. Then, when daddy started being his old self, regardless of anything she might have done, that alone negated anything else that happened. So she needed some time to get into a more receptive frame of mind, and quite frankly, I don't blame her. But I gotta tell ya, it bothered the CRAP out of him that he couldn't just fix the problem right then and there, and the idea of letting it go was like a foreign language to him. He just doesn't work that way and cannot understand the mindset of people who do. He honestly expects that if he treats Em like an adult and speaks to her like an adult, that she should, in turn, behave as an adult and be able to follow adult concepts. So losing interest and becoming restless only irritates him further, and there goes the cycle again. Anyway, he got upset, like actually crying upset, probably due to frustration and fear about not being able to understand and fix it and what that might mean for his relationship with Em. This, of course, upset Em terribly, who then decided that she didn't want to go home afterall. She wanted to continue her evening with daddy because she was feeling bad about herself for making him cry and thought that she could make it all better by hugging him and making him happy. He perceived this as remorse for her previous bad behavior, but I knew better and I told him so. This was about her, and feeling bad about herself for "making" daddy cry, not because she was sorry for anything she had done, which is what he assumed. So I said that we need to go on home, and while Bub agreed, he didn't want to be the one to say it because he didn't want her to think that he didn't want to be with her. But he also said that he couldn't just pretend that nothing had happened and let it go, so if she went with him, they would have to delve deeper into the problem because that's just the way he works. She was adamant about going with him, but continuing to ignore the issue and concentrating on making daddy feel better so she could feel better. So I suggested that since it was now so late that we all get some dinner together, which would give her a chance to spend more time with Bub and feel better about the situation, and then we could drop him off afterwards and that would be then end to their evening together. To which she agreed as long as she got to sit next to daddy and give him plenty of hugs. No problem. This also forced Bub to have to let it go for now, which is something he is gonna have to learn to do. The point is, the issues they were having go so much deeper than simple behavior problems, and thus cannot be "fixed" in one marathon lecture, much as he thinks they should be able to. So we went to Subway and ate some dinner, and everyone was able to let it go and get into better moods. Whew! Later, after we dropped him off, I found out that Em was upset with me for not taking her side in everything and I tried to explain to her that daddy was honestly trying and that she needed to have some patience because this is all so new to him. I explained that I wasn't there to take sides, rather I was trying to help each of them to understand the other and possibly get them to view things from a different perspective. And that even though daddy may not have reacted appropriately, she still needed to understand that she is not above reproach. She was absolutely nuttin' up and needed getting on to, but now we have this wonderful opportunity to teach daddy a new way to handle these situations and we get to tell him how we really feel because he's open to hearing it now. And I realize that his newfound openness may prove to be short lived, but for now, at least, I plan on taking full advantage of the opportunities as they arise. Anyway, I also tried to make her understand that no matter how wronged she might feel, she must still always speak to us in an appropriate and respectful manner, as with any adult. This is a hard one for her, cause like I said, if she feels justified, she has not a problem in the world with spewing forth some hostile and pent up venom, with no regard to whom it's being unleashed upon. But the point is, it's really only counter-productive and will only get her into even more trouble if she allows it to continue. I'm diligently trying to put everything to her in the terms of personal choice. As in, she can choose to not do as she's told, but in doing so, she also chooses the clearly stated consequence of that behavior. As you can guess, it hasn't seemed to sink in thus far. To her, things are done to her, which in turn, warrants an inappropriate reaction. But we're working on it, slowly but surely, we're working on it.

Now, I've promised myself that my next post be about typical, day to day life stuff cause quite frankly, I'm sick to death of thinking about this shit! I want to get back to some nice, uneventful normalcy again. Anyone remember the chronicles of Whiskers? Ahhhhh, those were the days! Sure, they may have been shrouded in deep dark denial, but at least I wasn't constantly wrapped up in such uncomfortable anxiety and neuroses all the time! Plus, I have so much boring normal stuff to yap about from piercing ears to first bras and schoolyard crushes to best friends... wow, I just realized that I seriously need to get a life and stop living vicariously through Em's third grade daytime drama. Now that's just sad! But still, it's the excitement going on right now, so by golly, that's what I'm gonna talk about... next time! Ooooooh, betcha just can't wait, huh? ;D

I know this is gonna sound crazy, so just bear with me, k? And keep in mind that I'm trusting my gut on this one, so even though it probably is crazy, it works for us and our abnormal relationship. BTW, no, I'm NOT going back to him, so don't freak out on me! Now that would be crazy!

Okay, here goes, sorry it's so long. This is definitely gonna be another potty breaks required post.

I guess you could say I had an epiphany on Saturday. Ever since that damn email showed up in my inbox, I had been stressing and worrying about how I should respond, just what I should say, how he would react, the consequences of my words, where this is going from here, what might happen, etc., etc. My stomach was in knots, I couldn't focus, I was unmotivated and quite frankly, I just wanted to bury my head in the sand and forget about it... like always. And then it occurred to me; aren't these some of the very reasons why I decided to leave in the first place? So I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore? Uh, DUH! (smacks self in head) I don't have to do that anymore! I don't have to worry about expressing my true feelings, because now I can hang up/leave/not respond/etc. At the end of the day, I get to sit by my open window, in my eggshell free home, without worry of the next talk or falling short of some unattainable expectation. At the end of the day I can shut it all out and curl up with my precious girl while a contented little smile splays safely upon her lips, and more importantly, in her eyes. And I can know, without a doubt, that I am in charge of my own destiny, that I can decide what I will allow to affect me and what I won't. That I am free and can live my own life, and that I am okay just the way I am. I have a voice, by god, and I can use it however I see fit! No more bullshit secrecy designed to save me from a life of hell. NO, now I can say what I need to say, and he can find a way to deal with it. Now, I'm not saying that I'm just gonna go off on him and unleash years of pent up rage and frustration, I'm merely stating that I don't have to try to fit into his little mold for my any longer. I can be me, and he can fucking get over it.

So, like I said, I was totally stressing about his email (gross understatement, I was a freakin' mess!) and trying to avoid it as much as possible, until that realization kinda hit me on Saturday while Em had been at Bub's since Friday for their first sleepover together. So I had started feeling a little better about things, until... Em calls me Saturday evening right around the time that I was supposed to pick her up, asking if she could stay a second night. I thought about it a moment, not wanting to be the bad guy, but with the next day being Mother's day and all, I just firmly told her no so she wouldn't try to talk me into it, which is what she usually does. Anyway, I told her she could stay a little longer and then went to pick her up a bit later. When I got there I could tell something was up by the way she was looking at me. I thought that Bub may have been being himself again, or that she was just angry with me for not letting her stay a second night, but I wasn't sure. Well, on the way home she starts with why? Why did you do that to daddy? Why did you try to make me think that he did all of this bad stuff to me? Daddy just had a temper problem and that's it, and he fixed that now. Why are you trying to make me tell Mellany (her counselor) that he is abusive? Why did you lie? Why did you make daddy act that way? He said he only acted that way cause he was always frustrated with you, and that he didn't used to be like that until you turned him into that. Etc, etc. Oh, and here's the kicker. I don't know if I ever talked about this or not, but years ago when Em was just a baby, and I tried to leave for the first time. I had gotten really close to a mutual friend of ours who recognized how Bub was, even back then when it wasn't so bad, and he fell for me and I considered leaving Bub for him, even though I knew I didn't love him, because I was young and selfishly (to this poor man) viewed this as a way out (I knew I couldn't afford to leave on my own back then). Anyway, I DIDN'T have a physical affair, although I believe that just the act of confiding in this man was crossing the line, regardless. But nevertheless, I did tell Bub that I was in love with this man in the hopes that he would just let me go; again, young and stupid here. He then, of course, proceeded to make his usual grandiose promises of change and remorse, and I bought into it, hook line and sinker, and chose to stay for our family. Like I said, I wasn't really in love with this man, and I honestly believed that Bub would change back then, so I stayed. Which was probably both a good thing and a bad thing. I'm sure it never would have worked out with this man, but I also wish I had just taken the opportunity to try to make it on my own. It was my first real chance and I blew it. Perhaps it just wasn't the right time, but I'll never know. And it kills me that I could have saved us from all of this had I just done it so long ago, y'know? Anyway, Em says, daddy told me how you tried to run off with his best friend when I was a baby and how he can't trust you cause you're a liar. YOU ARE A LIAR! She went on and on, and I just tried to let her feel what she needed to feel and let her know that each person views a situation from different perspectives and chooses their actions for different reasons. She, of course, being 8 freakin' years old views everything as black and white, and assumes that one of us must be lying if our stories are different. And since daddy had just been telling her all about my lying problem, and knowing herself that I quite often didn't tell him things in an effort to protect us, she assumes that I am, indeed, a liar. And then she starts telling me how she wants to live with daddy now, cause he fixed his temper problem and she doesn't want to live with me anymore. And that she wants me to move into our old house and her and daddy can move in here (cause she likes this place better) and that's all that will make her happy, so please make her happy! All I could say was that I would do what ever I can to make her happy cause I wasn't about to invalidate her feelings by telling her she couldn't live with daddy, I knew she was just venting and needed to work through this in her own way. And then she also wants to know why I'm trying to get her to lie to Mellany that Bub is abusive. Which floors me cause all I've ever told her is to just talk about her feelings, what ever they may be and who ever they may be about. Although, last week, I did remind her that she needs to bring some things up that she'd rather just forget about because Mellany needs to know as much about their relationship as possible if she going to help Em to be able to talk to Bub about her true feelings and stuff. But it wasn't anything that she, herself doesn't freely acknowledge, like buttering him up to put him in a good mood with her and then secretly making faces behind his back and expressing to me how much she really couldn't stand the situation anymore. So anyway, I just couldn't let this one go and I said don't you remember what it was like? What you, yourself told me about how you felt? And she was like, what ever, what are you even talking about? And then I knew. She was doing and saying all this because she wanted me to counter. She wanted me to stand up for myself and tell her my side of the story so she could believe in her mommy again. And she needed me to prove to her that it wasn't all in my head, or hers, or daddy's for that matter. So I showed her a note she had written to me and a picture she had drawn after one of the many "Bub" incidents, and that was all it took. She remembered and she calmed down. And I told her, I have never and I would never tell her how to feel or try to make her believe things that never happened. I said, you came to me and I listened and tried to help as much as I could, and I made decisions and took action based on what you told me and what I actually saw and felt you going through, and nothing more. And that everything I've done, I did because I felt it was the best and the right thing to do. All she could say was I'm so confused, and all I could tell her was I know baby, and I'm sorry. Then she just wanted to hug and cuddle and try to pretend nothing happened, saying it's okay, I'm good. She asked me to color with her (this was about 10:00 at night) and of course I did, then she wanted to sleep with me, again, which she always wants to do after emotionally difficult days, and of course I let her. My poor sweet girl, I made sure to tell her over and over that I love her and that it was okay to be mad at me. She apologized for saying that she wanted to live with daddy, and I told her I understood and that I'm not mad or upset with her in the slightest, but she still felt bad nonetheless.

So, my immediate, internal reaction was, of course, why the fuck is he telling a freakin' 8 year old all of this obviously adult and highly inappropriate information? And that he's turning her against me and that OMG, my baby thinks I'm a liar and doesn't want to live with me anymore! And I gotta tell ya, I was just sick. I couldn't function, I couldn't think, I couldn't eat, (The hell you say, she couldn't eat?! Damn, something must be wrong!) I couldn't sleep and I believe I ruined my own Mother's day morning, much as Em tried to make it special for me, but I was a zombie. I just didn't know what to do. But then I thought about it. Em told me that she had pretty much spilled the beans to Bub about all that we did to survive that hell, and how she not only knew about us leaving, but that she specifically asked me to leave him. And she said she was the one to bring it up, not him, so I was glad that she felt comfortable enough to talk to him about it, even though I believe she should have waited until she could have the benefit of Mellany's guidance. Anyway, she told him all (as she saw it) and from her 8-year-old point of view, I could see how frighteningly bad everything must have come across to him. Now, I'm not excusing his reaction, but I can see why he would feel the need to defend himself to her and explain his side of the story, however inappropriate it may have been. Again, not excusing it, just recognizing his initial gut reaction had the roles been reversed. He hadn't gotten feedback from me on his email yet and he was already in a heightened state of fear about the possibility of me trying to keep her from him. And then when what looks very much like plotting against him (from an 8-year-old's viewpoint) comes to light, I believe he panicked and full protection, defensive mode kicked in. Plus, you know Bub, nothing is ever his fault, right?

So I thought about it, and came to the conclusion that this needed to be dealt with now, and that, like I said before, I do get to have a voice now, and by god, I can fucking talk... out loud... to him! So I called him. And boy did we ever talk. I tried to articulate as best I could what living with him was like, although I know I didn't do it justice, I did at least put it out there. And I knew he would be receptive to it (much as Bub can be) because my blindsiding him the way I did put him into full fix it mode. Being the analytical thinker that he is, he recognizes that there is a problem, and that problem needs fixing in order to proceed. So I told him things I never would have dared before, and although he just couldn't comprehend the fact that I never felt as though I could express myself openly before, he was willing to accept the fact that I felt that way nonetheless. I'm sure he thinks it complete bullshit, but that's his problem. He just kept saying that all he ever wanted was for me to tell him my honest thoughts and opinions about everything, and I simply couldn't make him understand what he did to me when I tried, which led to me giving up trying, which to him, of course, is unacceptable. Yet again, his problem, as I no longer have to give in and recant my feelings just because he doesn't agree or understand. Anyway, there was a whole lot more to it, but the point is that I wasn't scared to tell him how I really felt, and that alone was huge! Then we started going over the things that Em told him. A lot of which were taken completely out of context and from a child's black and white point of view. He felt that so much of what went on was highly inappropriate, and I simply kept reinforcing the fact that I did what I felt I had to in order to get by. He understood (to a certain extent) that the situation with Em had gotten desperate which was made crystal clear when she told him herself that she wanted me to leave him. So he was able to see that my mother bear instinct was going in full force, and that I was doing what I felt I had to in order to protect her, whether he agrees with any of it or not. Anyway, I told him that I believe that what I did is probably what will end up saving his relationship with his daughter and that I was excited that they were going to have this chance to work their problems out now that he is receptive to hearing it and willing to make changes. He, of course, maintains that he would have always been receptive to it, but I know how I felt and I'm just not gonna argue that one. He also said he was going to be getting some individual counseling as well as family counseling with me and Em. So even though I know that he's always going to be the same person, and I don't have high expectations, I do have some hope that he can learn to deal with Em in a manner that will allow her to desire a continued relationship with him. As for me? Well, I just don't have to care anymore, he can be as much as a freakin' idiot as he wants to be, and like I said, when all is said and done, I get to leave, hang up, disagree, speak my mind and generally not give a shit what he thinks, cause baby, I'm FREE! Anyway, I made sure to reiterate the fact that Em's best interests are my highest priority here and that I have no desire to drag him through court or keep her away from him, as long as she remains comfortable and he continues down the path of healing his relationship with her. And that I have no animosity or desire to get back at him, that I'm simply done with all this and wish to only move forward as easily and painlessly as possible from here. We also decided that if we have questions about anything Em says, that we should just ask each other before we jump to conclusions. This was mainly for him since I could give a flying flip about what he says and don't generally give much credence to an 8 year old's one sided rendition of a conversation. I realize that she's being a typical kid right now and trying to milk each of us for what we're worth. She's going to manipulate to get what she wants and try to play us against each other. And I just don't plan on playing into the he said she said game. Hopefully he'll have enough sense to do the same and just call when he has questions or concerns, but we shall see. Anyway, he agrees completely and wants to keep things as friendly as possible, even doing things together with Em to give her a sense of security that she still has two loving and devoted parents. Like I've said, he's always been extremely family oriented, he's just always taken it to such extremes that it stifled us. And quite honestly, as long as we do not have to deal with each other from a personal level as what the stress of day to day married life requires, we can actually get along quite well. When it's not about anything important, we've always been able to talk, laugh and somewhat enjoy each other's company. Well, okay, I wouldn't go that far. But he is at least tolerable when nothing personal is involved, and we actually see eye to eye on quite a bit. So, although I would never freely chose to be friends with this man now that I'm older and hopefully wiser, I can most certainly be friendly with him and humor his idiocy as long as I'm no longer being confined and controlled by it.

So my plan for now is to just let this one go. And I know how ridiculous that sounds considering all the crap he told her and what doing so subsequently put her through mentally, but like I said, I can understand the reaction. Plus, I knew that he was gonna have to hear the truth eventually and that he couldn't possibly take it lightly, and that's why I was hoping it could be done in the presence of a counselor so we could all be taken through it calmly, honestly and rationally. But since that didn't happen, I'll just have to make the best of it. And I'm not about to make matters worse by telling her all sorts of inappropriate information of my own and confusing her even more. I'm just going to work through it with her in counseling and do what ever is best for her emotional well being, cause bottom line, that's all that matters. Not what she thinks of me or Bub, or what Bub thinks of me. It's about what she thinks of herself and that she feels safe and loved and content, and that's it. It does appear that Em has taken three steps forward and two steps back in terms of her behavior. There has been significant regression in her ability to control herself and cope with difficult and/or stress filled situations or conversations. But it's completely understandable given what she went through this weekend, and like I said, with Mellany's help, we'll work through it and grow stronger because of it. So even though you all must be screaming into your computer screens that I'm making a huge mistake and that I should just cut all contact leave it all up to the lawyers and get ready for a fight, I honestly believe that I'm doing what's best for us, and I promise, I can handle it. I'm simply in a different place now. I'm tired of being afraid and I don't want to do it anymore. I've realized that I have much more control over the outcome of this volatile situation than I've given myself credit for. I've realized that this can be as easy or as difficult as I allow it to be. And I've decided to choose easy, or as easy as this can possibly be.

So what now? Well, we seem to be okay with each other now, and can actually talk and make plans. Like we both attended the ice cream social at Em's school on Monday evening, and were able to just chat about inconsequential things without a problem. In fact, and here's another one of the crazy things, we're actually discussing taking Em on a mini little vacation to a semi local amusement park this summer. I know, I know, but I promise I haven't completely lost my marbles, I swear! This is something that he is insisting on paying for completely, so there would be no financial stress, which has always been one of our biggest issues. I mean, if he wants to blow his wad giving us a super fun filled vacation with the mutual agreement that there is to be no stress or tension, just fun and excitement, then why the hell not? If we're of like mind to just give Em the best possible time ever, which is all he seems to be about anymore that he doesn't get to live with her and see her every day, then hell yeah, bring it on! A fun, relaxed vacation is something Em and I always wished we could have but never did with him. So this might just be a wonderful opportunity to enjoy an all expenses paid vacation now that we're no longer expected to live up to some sort of unrealistic expectation of what his family is supposed to be like. We can just have fun, be ourselves and he can either lump it or leave it. Of course, we're still just discussing this, and by that I mean I'm expressing my concerns of what it might be like and setting some ground rules for how it would have to be in order to make this happen. And like I said, it'll be later this summer after we've all had a chance to benefit from some much-needed therapy and hopefully growth and understanding and willingness to do things differently to make this successful. I know, it's still crazy. But my point is that we get along better when we're not together, and I think he can appreciate that. And just so you know, he's not making any attempt to win me back. He has accepted that this is my decision and that I'm standing by it. And although he wants to attend family counseling with us, it's not so he can learn how to be a better husband so that I'll take him back, he just wants to learn how to deal with me (and Em) now that he realizes that what he's been doing isn't working for him, so that we can continue to work together as Em's parents and get along for her sake.

So, that's it. I'm sure I left so much out, but I was doing good just to get this much down in writing. It's been a tough week, but I'm cautiously hopeful now and interested to see just how all of this really does play out. But what ever happens, it is what it is, and I will handle it regardless.

How do I respond?

I could feel something was coming, I know Bub's been feeling left out, out of the loop, neglected, what ever. He's been getting more easily agitated and taking issue with things. This week I got in trouble for forgetting that I was the one who was supposed to call him about finalizing some plans we had made for Em's visit the next day. I rolled my eyes as he was bitching at me over the phone and Em saw me. When she went over she asked him if he was mad at me cause she could hear him griping at me over the phone and saw me rolling my eyes, YIKES! Got to be more careful with that stuff, she doesn't need to see that from me. So then I get the whole, you need be more mindful of your reactions around Em cause she sees, etc. talk. Yeah, yeah, I know.

Along with that, Em's been calling him less and spending less time on the phone with him, so when he called her last night and she was distracted by the kitty and the fact that she really didn't want to talk, he started in on her. Not sure what he said exactly, but it was the same old thing and she just wanted to hang up on him cause she was sick of hearing it. Then he wants to talk to me so I can help him with the situation. He starts talking about her phone etiquette and not giving him enough time, blah blah blah. I said I'd talk to her cause her phone etiquette does need work, like giving her full attention, etc.

I had also sent him an email explaining that Em's counselor would need several more one on one visits with her before we should try to do a family meeting in which she would help Em to be able to talk to Bub about the problems she was/is having with him. It bugs the crap out of him that he has no idea what our problems are with him and I feel like he's pressuring us to explain before either one of us are really ready.

Anyway, here's the email he sent me today, and I just don't know how to respond. (I just copied it, so excuse all of his spelling errors and such.)



This one is a long one. I needed to say some things so here they are.

I have to be honest with you. I am having problems dealing with the situation. You must realize that you have repped my world apart. I am coping with it the best way that I can. But you are asking for a lot from me and giving me almost nothing.

Let me illustrate this by telling you how I see the situation. This is an overview of what I am going through. Maybe this will help you to understand what I am feeling. I understand this is my point of view and you don't necessarily agree with it. I am just trying to convey what I feel.

I know this message is a bit long and I am sorry for taking your time. I just think you should know how I feel. I have tried to organize this so that it makes as much sense as possible. You don't have to respond immediately. Just try to see things from my perspective. You may not be able to understand this. I just thought that I should try.

The Situation

Until you left several weeks ago I was under the impression that we both wanted to be together and that we both were working toward that goal. You told me on numerous ocasions that you were happy and wanted to be there. Then all of the sudden you call and tell me you have moved out and that you are not happy or in love and haven't been for a long time. This would have been easier to deal with if you had been honest with me about your feelings to begin with. In one afternoon everything I have worked for has been taken away and I have no say in the matter. It is worse because if you had honestly told me what you felt we could have worked on it or at least I would have had some warning. What you did tore out my heart and I don't know if I will recover. I now have a lot of trust issues with people in generall because of this. I don't know if I can every get over this simple because I don't know how to deal with it.

To add insult to injury, you withheld emily from me until you thought I was ready. That means that I was not able to allow myself to grieve or to deal with my emotions because I don't want to go without seeing emily. You are holding me hostage and forcing me to not deal with anything because I care too much to screw up my relationship with emily.

You control how and when I see her. You control what is told to her councelor. I don't even know where she goes. I don't know anything that is going on and it is driving me crazy. I must now trust you (very hard for me) to tell me the truth about what is going on.

On top of all of that, you tell me that Emily has some problem with me. You say she is uncomfortable with certain things. But she doesn't ever seem to have a problem with being alone or anything like you assume she will. She doesn't seem to have a problem. But you don't want me to talk about it with her. You don't seem to think it is important for her and I to work on our relationship in its new form. You want me to wait on a councelor to make friends with her when I feel that we could talk about the problem now at least to some degree.

When you left you made it clear that you wanted nothing to do with me. You made it so clear that I feel like It is necessary for me to refuse to deal with my emotions because if I face them I don't know that I can deal with them. I am trying to keep myself controlled and not emotional for emily, but it is hard.

The Problem

The problem is that you are controlling my aceess to emily based on the threat that if I don't deal nicely with you I won't get to see her. I am not saying that you have actually said that. But in everything that you have said I feel like that was implied. So I must play the game in order to salvage a life for myself and I must let you and anyone else accuse me of all kinds of things that I don't believe are true. Just to have the privelidge (not the right) to see my little girl.

You keep making illusive comments about the problems without actually talking about them. You say that you have a moral issue with me, but you won't tell me what. You flat out won't talk about most things. So I have no clue why my family was just repped apart but you expect me to deal with it and still remain saine for emily. I have done so thus far. But, what you have done is not fair to me or emily.

The weekend you left she called me balling. All she could say is "I want you". I had to listen to my little girl cry her heart out because she missed me and I didn't even know where she was. I couldn't help her or hold her or even tell her it would be alright because I didn't know and I still don't.

My Behavior So Far

So far, no matter how hard it has been, I have done everything in my power to make sure that I didn't discredit you or question your decisions to emily. I have tried to maintain her respect for you (even though I have questions about you dong the same).

I have done everything that you have asked. I have tried to work with you on almost everything. I have told you that I would do what I could to ensure that nothing is hard on emily. To this point I feel that my behavior has been better than anyone could expect it to be given the situation.

My Feelings

As you know, I am an upfront person. I say what I mean. I am going to tell you what I think of these things that I have been talking about. Again, I realize that you may not share these opinions. They are just here for you to be able to know where I am coming form.

You have many times in the past told me that you thought I would react differently than I did about things. You told me that on the phone about this situation a couple of weeks ago. And yet, anytime you try to predict my behavior you always assume the worst. Because of this I don't believe that you actually understand or even know me.

I am angry with you for not being honest with me about your feelings. If you had not lied to me and told me that you wanted to make our marriage work then I could have been better prepared for this and emily could have been better prepared as well. During our entire 11 years together I have been trying to get you to be honest about your feelings. I don't know what else to say. I just can't be held responsible for the problems that I wanted to work out but couldn't because you never told me what was wrong. You act like I have done something, but in truth, I have done everything short of stop the sun for you. I at least showed up and invested myself in our marriage. I have tried to work on things and be patient with you. All I got was a lack of interest back. When I told you that you made me feel like I wasn't wanted and I asked you to tell me the truth you could have done so. That was less than 5 months ago. I feel like you have emotional problems that cause this and I hope that you someday are able to overcome them. God knows, I tried to work with you on it. I feel like nothing will happen until you try though. And that is where the problem is.

If emily shares some of those same problems with you and cannot tell people when something bothers her then she should be in councelling. However, when you talk about the problem you take an accusitory stance toward me. Emily can tell me anything. I have never told her otherwise. I am her father and I will not do anything she wants. Let me give you an example. A couple of weeks ago I scared her in the hallway. We have always played like that and she has always seemed to enjoy it. However, she told me that she didn't really like it. So I haven't done it anymore. But if she were to tell me that she wanted to be rude to people, I would tell her know and still punish her if I saw her do it. Some things I have a responsibility to uphold even if she doen't like it. Do I yell at her sometimes, sure you do just as much as I do. Do I spank her, yes when it is necessary. I haven't done so in a long time because other punishments seem to work better, but if the need arose I still would. Do I somtimes make her unhappy, unfortunately yes. All parents do. You cannot tell me that you were 100% happy with everything your parrents ever did. But, I love her with every fiber of my being and I would live or die a thousand times to make her life what it should be. I always have and always will try to do what is best for her. I think you know that but you don't act like it. You act like I am some mean-ass that you have to watch for indications that you need to interveen. You may not agree with my beliefs, but you should at least be willing to ackowledge that I have different beliefs and that is ok. Just because you think I am wrong that doesn't make it true. And, just as I have done in this situation, not matter what the cost you should always consider what emily sees and what effect your actions will have. I don't elieve that you always do that.

I understand that our marriage is over and that I can't make you stay. I understand that you are not willing to try to work it out. I don't agree with that decision but I understand that you have made it. I am trying to repsect your wishes and give you space. I am also trying to keep emily from being involved with the hurtful side of this situation as much as possible. I don't believe that is 100% possible because you have basically removed her from her dad. Everytime she comes to my house she tells me that she wishes I could live with her again. So some emotional issues are going to arise from that. I don't believe you can every split up a family and leave no scars. But I am trying to help minimize the effects.

What I Want

I am trying to work with you on everything from the seperation to our arrangments with emily. I am trying to be open to dealing with things in differnt ways. I am trying my best to understand your point of view (even if I don't agree with it).

However, I need closure on some of these issues. I need time to deal with them. I need honesty and answers. I can't process, learn from or deal with any of this without knowing what is going on.

I need to feel like I can be free to build my relationship with emily without worrying about you trying to control it. I don't feel that now.

I need to know that you are going to cntinue to work with me. Like I said, from my point of view you still loved me a month and a half ago and you just changed your mind all of a sudden. I need some kind of assurance that you won't do that about emily and take her off to timbucktoo or wherever.

Conclusion

I do understand that you can't just say "Ok" to everything here. We must work through this stuff. I don't have the answer. I just want you to understand that things can't just stay this way. Think about this and let me know when you think you have something to talk a bout.

Help! What the hell am I supposed to say to all that? I'm not ready to try to explain, I may not ever be, and Em's not ready yet either. There's just so much more to each of our relationships that he simply cannot see and most likely won't understand. If either of us felt like we could have talked to him about any of our true feelings then we would have. He'll never accept that he is the reason why we couldn't or didn't. Or that the only reason Em's been telling him that she wishes we could live with him again is because he's finally been behaving like the daddy she's always dreamed of. She thinks he's all fixed now, or she did until he started in on her the other night, and all the old feeling came crashing back. He was more than successful in shattering that particular dream, the idiot! It was a harsh reality check that I knew was inevitable, yet I wished she could have been spared from. If only he would just go away and allow us to live our lives in peace! I hate that I'll be tied to this man for the rest of my life, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Oooooh, so much to say, so little time!

Wow, some little things have really begun to hit me about my newfound freedom over the past few days. The fact that I'm sitting here right now with all of my windows open and shades up, is just unbelievably wonderful and rewarding to me. Bub never wanted the windows open, and preferred the shades and curtains drawn at all times. He expected very regulated temperature, which open windows could not guarantee, and he despised bugs, particularly spiders, and couldn't stand for a breach to the outside world (like the windows being open) to be made available if it wasn't completely necessary. I stopped trying to open the windows about 5 years ago, but I did go back to opening the curtains in the last two years or so, much to his disdain. Toward the end though, he expected the shades to be drawn and the air turned down cooler by the time I picked him up from work because I "always kept it so damn hot in there" and he shouldn't be expected to live like that just because I wanted to open the curtains during the day and heat the whole damn house up. What ever! Anyway, I'm sitting here by the open window, enjoying the fresh Spring air, and I gotta tell ya, I'm lovin it!! Gawd, you should see me, I've had this big ol' cheesy grin plastered on my face practically all weekend!

The cheesy grin is due to other things as well though. I feel like I'm starting to get a handle on the Em situation, y'know, with the rages and disrespect and all? Number one, I laid out my expectations for her. No hurting people (namely me) or destroying property, and any disrespectful behavior simply will not be tolerated. When she feels out of control and is wanting to do something physical to release her emotions, she is allowed to squeeze the hell out of a big wad of bubble wrap that I got her, or beat the tar out of a pillow or couch cushion, etc. I figure, and Mellany agrees, that as long as she's not hurting anyone or anything, then taking her aggressions out in a safe way is completely acceptable. And hopefully, her apparent need to do so will soon subside. She also knows that there will be consistent punishments for disrespectful behavior now. Even if she goes into one of her rages about accepting a punishment, she still has to complete it once she's finally calmed down. Used to, the original problem would get lost in the rage, and never dealt with sufficiently. Now she knows to expect it, and that little bit of structure has already done a world of good. So, while it's still a work in progress, I am at least optimistic and a little more confidant in my ability to do this thing.

So Em got a double dose of fun this weekend, and I think she's really starting to warm up to the idea of being a kid of divorced parents. Our town had an annual festival called Toad Suck Daze this weekend, and she got to go with Bub on Saturday and with me on Sunday, for twice the fun, rides, and games! What a lucky, lucky girl! You know what's funny? I told her that she could pick one of the unique carnie-type foods to indulge in for a special treat, y'know like deep fried snickers or oreos, ewwwww! But guess what she ultimately chose instead? One of those big corn on the cobs with the husk still attached. Instead of a deep fried twinkie or chocolate covered frozen banana? Who'da thunk it? She did have some Dippin' Dots too, but she'd had those before, so it was nothing new. Of course, that doesn't mean she didn't choose powdered sugar covered funnel cake, nachos, and lemonade when she went with daddy the day before, but hey, you can't win 'em all! Anyway, we had a great day, spent way too much money, (yikes!) but since it only comes once a year, I can't see the harm in a little overindulgence and going slightly over budget.

Speaking of budget, there is a little issue that I suppose needs addressing. Bub is wanting us to have a little sitdown about the state of our joint and otherwise financial affairs. Nooooooooo! Precisely the type of conversation that I have so much difficulty in with him. He wants to lay out everything that he thinks we should both be responsible for so that we can come to an agreement in terms of our separation and impending divorce. Basically, he wants to make sure I know and agree to the financial obligations that we're both responsible for, and get it in writing so there's no question. Of course this is a very practical and logical idea, and something that definitely needs doing, however, I know that I don't have enough of a backbone yet to stand up for myself and not just agree to stuff for the sake of keeping the peace. I'm sure I could very easily say that all the debt that's in his name is his responsibility, and the same for me as well. But he would never go for that because most of the big debt in his name was incurred due to marital decisions that he has no reason to believe that he didn't have my full support on. As you'll recall, every major decision he made, he did so only after ensuring my full and complete support, which I, of course, always gave whether I truly agreed with it or not. Talk about making your bed and lying in it! Now we're neck deep in debt that I always conveniently agreed to incurring, NICE! So even though I don't personally think that I should be held responsible for any of his hair-brained notions (like thousands in student loans for a degree that he was never disciplined enough to finish), numerous failed business attempts, and other loans and various debts, I know that I am partially responsible for them regardless, and it freakin' sucks ass! Man! If only I had been able to say no, this is ridiculous and unnecessary, and I'm not agreeing to it! If only I had left when I first knew I should, years ago, then I wouldn't have gotten myself into this particular situation to begin with. But I am, and I'm gonna have to face it, take ownership of it, and figure out a way to compromise with him on it, ug. Which, believe me, is no easy task, and one of our very biggest communication concerns. Because I guarantee that he's already got an idea in his head of how this should go down, and every intention of making sure it happens that way. So, my question is, how much should I just bite the bullet and take responsibility for things I technically agreed to? Because if I don't, things will undoubtedly get very nasty, very quickly. And I just can't justify going there over some freakin' money and bills. I was more than up for the fight when it came to Em's best interests, but for money issues? There's just no way, it's not worth it. But I also don't want to just bend over and take it either, and quite frankly, I'm still unclear as to where that line is right now. Compromise, what a pleasant and noble idea, huh?

Okay, now for something a little more interesting, and then I'll be through with this long ass post, I promise!! My copy of 3 Fat Chicks On A Diet: Because We're All In It Together that I ordered from Amazon arrived today (along with a copy of PostSecret: Extraordinary Confessions from Ordinary Lives, oooooh juicy!! Which, BTW, was the one and only thing I actually asked Bub to get me for Christmas, but since he didn't seem to deem it gift worthy, I never got it. So by golly, I splurged and got it for myself dammit!). Anyway, I must admit, Im more than a little excited to be quoted in it, (in 3fc that is, not PostSecret, darnit, maybe next time though!) and I was even quoted more than once in it too! My goodness, what an absolute honor and privilege, and quite honestly, I'm so proud to be even a small part of such a monumentally powerful thing as 3fc. It was also so much fun to see the quotes from all the others that I've come to know and love from this hugely extended family. You know, like seeing your cousin's name in the paper for winning the county spelling bee, you just want to buy up all the copies and hand 'em out for everyone you see. How freakin' cool is that? And Jilly, I'm pretty sure I saw one from you in the Weight Watchers section, didn't I? Or is there some other impishly witty and insightful Jill from Canada that I am, thus far oblivious of? Nah, couldn't be, you're one of a kind babe! Anyway, I'm totally cheesing, and can't wait to settle down for some highly anticipated reading this evening, YAY!!

So get this; Em decided that she wasn't comfortable with the idea of Hunter's (lil' McDreamy) invitation to the sock hop being so "date" like, so she totally shut him down saying that she'd rather just hang out and dance with her girlfriends! He, of course, begged her to reconsider, but she stood her ground and refused to give in. Now that's my girl! She told him that she still likes him and wants to be friends, but that she doesn't think they're old enough to treat anything like a date yet. Damn, maybe I am teaching her something useful, go figure! Anyway, he gladly accepted her limits, just happy knowing that they could at least remain friends. Now ain't that just a kicker? Whew, perhaps the inevitable boyfriend drama has been averted for at least a little while longer... I hope! Anyway, she had a total blast at the dance, and was pleased as punch at how her poodle skirt turned out, as was I! BTW, thanks for the tips Dawnyal, but I had already improvised a stitch free version by the time I saw your comments. Me and sewing? Nuh-uh, this chick is completely clueless on that front! Anyway, here's some pics: (not too shabby, if I do say so myself!)


I also just wanted to say thanks for all the awesome parenting advice. I know it's high time I set some firm boundaries, but I also know that I'm gonna need help. Cause if I had any idea bout how to accomplish that particular feat, I'd have done it long ago! So, like I said, I plan to work closely with Em's counselor (her next appt. is Friday) on this stuff, and also do some extensive reading on the subject. I went ahead and reserved a copy of this from the library, hoping it may help shed a little light on all this effective parenting mumbo jumbo. ;D

OMG, this is hard!

With Em, that is. And it's not like I ever counted on Bub for beneficial support with her before. In fact, I tried to never involve him when it came to difficulties between her and I because his wrath was always so swift and unjust. So why does all of this seem monumentally more difficult now? I feel as though I have the weight of the world on my shoulders with her, and I seem to be cracking under the pressure. The way it goes now is that I send her off for fun and games and the long yearned for undivided attention of this newly nice daddy, and I am left to deal with real life; chores, bathing, schedules, school, discipline, and simply trying to assert my laughable authority. So, how exactly did I end up with the short end of the stick on this one? Why does it have to be such a struggle? I certainly can't compete, not when, on top of everything else, the responsibilities of every day living are squarely up to me. I'm the killjoy, the one who must determine when fun time is over in order to make way for things which cannot be overlooked or neglected. Who could blame her? I never operated under the assumption that this new life would be all peaches-n-cream, but I certainly expected us to have more relaxed, un-oppressive fun together. Was I kidding myself? Or was I just blinded by my expectation of Bub's reaction and my assumption that his time with her would be so much more limited? How did he end up getting to be the good guy in all of this? At least in Emily's eyes that is. Yeah, I guess you could say that I'm finding myself a bit jealous that he gets to be the fun one now, especially considering the hellish misery that every day life with him had reduced us to by the end. It's just not fucking fair. And that's not all, there are other, already present issues, that need tending to as well. The most prevalent being how she reacts to disagreements and confrontation with me. She rages when she feels as though she has no control or if she finds herself unable to force me into complying with her wishes. (gee, wonder where she gets that from?) When she doesn't get what she wants, she lashes out. Physically holding on to me so that I'll have to listen to her hysterical ranting, reasoning and demands. Kicking, screaming, spitting, throwing and destroying things. This is nothing new, although infrequent, but she's done it since she was small, and it's gotten progressively worse over the years. I am certain that it's selective and controllable, as she's never once don't this with Bub. No, she saves this distinct pleasure all for me. Perhaps because she feels safe, but more likely just because she knows she can. She knows I am weak, she knows that she and others can and do walk all over me; a fact which has been successfully demonstrated time and time again. She knows I'm not gonna rage back and scare and intimidate or hurt her. She is obedient for Bub due to his consistently harsh and ridged training, and her very real fear of the consequences her non-compliance would incur. But me, she'll taunt and overpower, saying you can't make me, and what are you gonna do about it, among other things. And she's right, what am I gonna do about it? I honestly have no clue, and quite frankly, I'm at my wit's end. How do you make someone understand that you can't force your will on another human being when they're not receptive to it? Definitely an issue for her counselor, as it's something that's needed dealing with for some time now, and I'm simply at a loss.

In other, lighter news, we're off to WalMart tonight, to find the makings for a poodle skirt, as tomorrow (Wednesday) is the much anticipated third grade sock hop. The first one in which the little boys haven't been completely repulsed by the little girls, and vise versa. Thus her own little McDreamy, Hunter, asking her if she would go with him, much as two awkward third graders can "go" anywhere together. It's all so cute and sweet, and dear god, way too freakin' soon! I do try to talk to her (as much as she will let me) about not taking any crap from these stupid little boys. About being strong and standing up for herself, and not tolerating anything at all that makes her feel even remotely uncomfortable from anyone. I so desperately want her to not turn out like me, to not make the same kind of weak and naive, destructive choices. I guess it's no wonder we clash as we do, since our personalities are such polar opposites. But that's a good thing, IMO, at least maybe she'll have a chance to develop into the strong, independent woman I always wished I could be. But I guess that still remains to be seen. Now, just how the hell do you make a poodle skirt?? Heh, this oughtta be fun! ;D

Fuzzy headed rambling

I'm at a loss. I don't feel like doing or writing anything. It's like I've been building up to something for so long, that now that it's past I just want to forget about everything for a while. I'm drained, my mind is fuzzy and numb, and I just want to "be". There's still so much that I honestly need to do, finish unpacking, organize, purchase a few more things, decorate, etc., but I don't wanna. I need to get back to work on containing my newly re-discovered affinity for mindless snacking. No, not that damn Kashi, it's been banned for a while now, but it seems like just about everything else has become fair game. Okay, it's not really that bad, but you get the picture. I am getting back into a routine at least. I finally did some much neglected abdominal work and actually felt sore for the first time in ages, so that was nice. All in all, things are... oh hell, I don't know what they are, I'm still just trying to figure this shit out. I spent 20 freakin' minutes at WalMart on Sunday, contemplating which kind of bloody silverware to buy, and another 20 on new sneakers, which I ended up leaving without. Ugh! Why is it so hard for me to make the simplest choices, it's infuriating! Sorry, my stress level has been high this week, between PMSing and difficult adjustments with Em, I'm just blah, and my mind is all over the place. God, I hope this is coherent!

So, Em spent the day with Bub on Sunday. She said she was ready and he's been in full on fun daddy mode, so I figured she'd better try to enjoy it while it lasts. I didn't know what to do with myself so I went to WalMart and wasted my time not making decisions. I started seriously missing her around 5:30-6:00. Got all teary-eyed and pathetic, did I mention I was PMSing? And then Bub called about 6:30 saying she had one of her headaches and was asking to come home. I hate that she felt bad, but honestly, I was relieved and so happy to have her back home. What the hell am I gonna do on her first overnight? Or her first holiday away from me? Okay, that's enough of that, I can't even go there right now.

Em had her first counseling appointment on Friday. She started to put up a fuss, just nerves I think, but she went, reluctantly. Mellany (the therapist) was fabulous and put her right at ease. I was in the room for this initial visit, a lot of base questions and such. But by the end Em was completely comfortable and declared that she would go the next one alone. That's my girl! Mellany is a family counselor and said that she could definitely facilitate our telling Bub just what our issues were/are with him. Knowing him, having a third party present would be the only way to go.

I've realized how still and quiet things are now. Peaceful and tension free. No endless, mind-numbing conversations about topics which hold absolutely no interest for me, yet knowing better than to give anything less than my full attention to. No bitching and moaning about all the wrongs that could be righted if only people would do as he does and think as he thinks. No uneasy wondering and worrying about triggering an unpredictable mood or lecture. In fact, I've just realized that I hadn't been nauseous once last week or on high alert with adrenaline driven anxiety. Yes, I've been anxious and stressed, overwhelmed and frustrated, but I've handled it. I've felt it in the moment, moved through it, and found my way back to peace again on the other side. Is it possible that peace could be my new norm? My base to come back to if I should happen to stray from it momentarily? How is that possible? Is that how normal people usually live? Or is it just wishful thinking brought on by the immediate consequences of such a drastic action?

Hmmm, for someone who didn't feel like writing anything, I sure managed to spout quite a bit, huh? There's more I want to talk about of course, like my weekend activities with Em and some difficult parenting issues I'm dealing with, but for now I think I'll hold off until I'm in a different frame of mind. Plus, it's not like I can't come back and work on a new post whenever the fancy strikes me now, huh? Ahhhh, freedom, gotta love it! BTW, it's not as though I wasn't allowed to work on the puter before, I just wasn't comfortable working on my blog whenever Bub was around. But now that Bub's not around.... hehe! Like I said, gotta love it! ;D