Well we're off! We get back late in the evening on Sunday July 2, so look for me to say howdy soon thereafter. TTFN!!

You may have noticed a few changes (duh!) and I just wanted to explain. I began feeling a bit vulnerable and I decided that I'd rather be safe than sorry, so I'm trying to be a bit more anonymous, hence the change in address, name and profile info availability. I'm going to remove the link that points to here from my original location before I leave tomorrow, but then I'll repost it when I get back for a little while longer just in case anyone missed it. After that, I'll delete the original altogether and this will be my new permanent home. Thanks to everyone for sticking with me through my paranoia, I really appreciate it!

Now, I better get crackin' on the packin'!! YIKES! ;D

Alright, he wrote me a very "Bub-like" email, which I won't be posting because I would then feel obligated to post my defeated and pathetic reply. And I just can't go there, not right now. As you can guess, I automatically reverted right back to our regular old song and dance, promptly checking my pride and dignity at the door. I apologized, (repeatedly) allowed us to be confined in his presence while he spewed his indignation upon me, stroked his ego, and desperately tried to make nice, like usual. To which Emily promptly commented, "same ol' daddy" as soon as we were afforded a blessed moments peace. Ugh, he was ridiculous, yet, even knowing how absurd he really is, it still affects me mentally and physically in much the same way, if not more. Perhaps I've become so accustomed to my new life free of this nonsense, that when it does occur, it's affects are now magnified. I dunno, but in some ways my physical symptoms can be likened to those of PTSD, and I can't help but wonder what remaining in that intolerable situation for so long has really done to my psyche? Or Em's for that matter. Anyway, I think I've smoothed it over, at least I hope so anyway. But he's still not happy, and simply won't be unless I actually change our plane reservations and return home a day earlier. But I'm not going to do that, and he's just gonna have to get over it. He'll file this incident away, of course, along with all the other colossal fuck ups that I've so conveniently been the cause of. And I guess I'll just have to get over that. Which I will, as this is nothing new, and I'm quite accustomed to having all of his past grievances thrown in my face whenever it suites him. After all, this is life in Bubba Land. I don't recommend visiting, the weather sucks and traffic's a bitch, hell, you may never find your way back out.

Anyway, Em's spending the weekend with him, which is why I'm here working on a post at 11:?? at night. She was originally supposed to just spend tonight (Sat.) with him, and all day Sunday for Father's day. But I offered Friday as well, as sort of a peace offering, trying desperately to appease him, and he took me up on it. So this is the first time she's spent two nights in a row with him. Which should make for an interesting evening Sunday as I try to regain our own rhythm after a weekend of either ridiculous overindulgence or intense tension (or both) with daddy. But I'm getting used to this as well. It's almost like she needs de-programming after spending any length time with him, and reminded that now it's time to get back to real life once she gets back home.

So what am I doing with all this free time? Well, this morning I went yard sale'ing, bright and early! I can never get Em up and out in time for the good stuff, so I thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity. I made a good haul too! The last place I went had a sale where you pick a box with a price on the side and stuff all you can into it for that price. I picked a $2.00 box and baby, I packed that sucka full! I got several fall/winter tops, which I'm always on the lookout for as I'm still constantly freezing throughout most of the year. I also got a cute pair of khaki capris, a bunch of odds and ends, and a buttload of Goosebumps books for Em (her fav!) And then tonight I finally took care of a little project that I've been neglecting for a while now. Soon after we moved in here, I found a cute Bratz room border on clearance, and picked up enough to decorate Em's room with. Well, ever since I bought them, the borders have been sitting (unopened) in a bag in my room. I know, bad mommy! So tonight I took care of it, and hope to surprise Em when she gets home on Sunday. Here's a few shots:
Excuse the crappy camera, I hope to get a new one... one of these days! Anyway, not too shabby, if I do say so myself! The border is removable (good thing since we rent!) and repositional, so there wasn't a whole lot I could do to screw it up, though how I tried! But it turned out pretty darn good, and I'm happy with the results. Let's just hope Em is too!

Alright, I think that's enough for now, it's waaaaaay past my bedtime!

I'm in trouble... again. Shoulda known he was being far too agreeable and accommodating about our upcoming vacation plans. I originally told him that we would be gone from Wednesday to Wednesday, but that I was gonna try to get that following Thursday and Friday off as well so we could stay longer. Apparently I didn't specifically say that this would mean staying through the weekend as well, and he took it to mean that we would fly back on Friday. He insists I told him that we would be back Friday, so when I was updating him on our final plans today, well... let's just say he was not a happy camper. He's pissed cause now he won't get to see Em for two weekends, which somehow translates to him not seeing her for three weeks, and there's nothing he can do about it cause the plans are already made and he's just getting fucked again, like usual. Cause he can't trust me to make good decisions on my own and I just went and did what ever I wanted to like I always do and he's the one who always gets screwed because of it.

I shouldn't have let my guard down. I have to remember who I'm dealing with here, and that means details, details, details. I have to be extremely specific and make sure he understands precisely what I mean when we talk. I can't assume he'll make obvious connections (ie, getting Thur and Fri off so that staying through the weekend would be possible). I have to double and triple check with him about plans so that nothing can be confused. I have to remember just how literally he really takes things.

He says I don't understand what it's like to have to go so long without seeing her, and he's right, I don't know because she is with me. And perhaps I'm not considering that fact enough, and that I could be way more sensitive to it. I realize that this trip is a special occasion, and that allowances have and should be made, but he's right. Our staying longer does mean that he'll be missing out on that real quality time that he craves with her. Of course he'll see her when we get back, but she won't be able to spend all day or spend the night with him until the following weekend. (apparently he's still working. Don't ask, I dunno what's going on with that either.) So yeah, he's having to go a really long time without seeing her, and that's a really big deal. Okay, I get that, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't more clear. I'm sorry that I didn't go over the specific details with him before the flights were booked and the plans set in stone. I should have, I certainly know better. And now I can't fix it, and he's pissed, and there's nothing I can do to make it better, and it's just one more example of how inconsiderate and uncaring I am, and how he'll always get screwed because of it. And here I am again, right back in that place. Heart racing, super anxious, sick to my stomach, and feeling desperate and hopeless. Yes, I realize that this will pass and there's no need to feel desperate and hopeless, but that's how I feel in the moment, regardless. And all I want to do is make it better, because as long as he's happy with things, then the more willing he is to be agreeable and accommodating, and the less need he feels to be difficult, stubborn and unyielding. The last thing I want is for him to get on the defensive, because as I've said all along, if he ever feels the need to fight, he'll do so till the death. So I make a lot of allowances for things that I'm sure some would find ridiculous, but I do it because I know him the way I do, and it works for us. I don't mind making certain allowances if it means that the stuff that's truly important to me remains unchallenged (ie, custody of Em).

Anyway, there's not really anything I, or anyone can do or say right now. He just needs time to sit with his emotions (anger, frustration, disappointment, etc.) so that he can come to a place of acceptance. In the past, I would have been expected to remain in this place with him, especially if I was the cause of said feelings, for as long as it took for him to think I had gotten some idea of how he was feeling, and had suffered sufficiently enough to make up for it somehow. Now I don't have to do that, now I get to hang up. But now I get to worry about all the unknown possibilities of what he might do to try to regain some of his lost control. That's what's truly frightening!

Oh how I wish he would just slink away and never give me another moment's pause or worry. If only there were truly life without Bub. But no matter what, I will forever be connected to this man in some way, shape or form. Yes, the connection will fade over time, but that requires patience. And I hate being patient.

Em and I cleaned house Saturday, woohoo! It was long overdue and the clutter monster had thoroughly taken over. We made a list, which she immediately tried to take over in an effort to micro-manage everything, spouting off who would do what and in which order, as is her nature. So after I nipped that one in the bud, we got down to business and now everything is spic and span, well... close enough anyway! I'm not a meticulous housekeeper, (heh, now that's an understatement!) never have been, never will be, so my standards are not hard met. Anyway, the reason she so willingly helped out is because I made house cleaning a prerequisite to our spending the rest of the day at a local state park, swimming at the lake and basking in the blazing Arkansas sun. They have a beach area sectioned off at the lake for public swimming, which only costs $2.50 each per day. Sure beats the hell outta the ridiculously overpriced (and overcrowded) community pool that I still refuse to purchase a membership for. Plus, this swimming area has sand, and there ain't nuttin like digging your toes into the cool wet sand on a hot summer day (yes, I realize that summer doesn't officially begin until the 21st., but believe me, it's been summer here for a while now, ug!). So there we went, and proceeded to get completely water logged and pruned like little ol' ladies. Em got a little sunburned (note to self, must re-apply sunblock next time) and we both got sand in places where it has no business being, but other than that it was an awesome day! Which is exactly what I was going for considering this particular locale also happens to be the scene of one of Em and I's least favorite "Bub" incidents. I think I'll pass on going into all the gory details, so let's just say that this was the time that he took it upon himself to "teach" Em how to float, in his typical, relentless, unpleasable fashion. Thus her initial reaction of fear and slight panic at the news of our planned outing for the day. Immediately she started in with the questions, "Are you gonna make me try to float? Are you gonna try to teach me anything? What if I'm scared? What if I don't want to do something? What if I can't do something, are you gonna get mad at me?". I quickly reassured her that we were merely going there to swim and have fun and that she wouldn't be made to do anything she was uncomfortable with. Thankfully, she immediately brightened and began planning our funfilled day. There was only one small setback right after we entered the water where her insecurity and distrust took over for just a moment, but as soon as she realized that we were, indeed, just there to have fun, she relaxed and allowed herself to thoroughly enjoy the day. If you hadn't guessed, I've been earnestly trying to make up for some of the bad memories by going back to their origin and allowing her to re-experience them as they were meant to be in the first place. I know I can't erase the past, but I'm hopeful that I can at least rebuild her sense of security and show her that her future is whatever she makes of it. That she is not bound by these unpleasant memories, rather free to build brand new ones. Regardless, we had a wonderful time and she asked to go back (soon!), so if nothing else, at least we have progress.

Sunday's plans involved Em spending the day with Bub. He said he'd call when he woke up and was ready for me to bring her over, which he did, a little after 1:00 p.m. (loser). So I dropped her off and went about spending the day all by my lonesome. This is still quite odd for me, as Em and I are almost always together, but it is kinda nice to have a break every now and then, y'know? So what'd I do? I went shopping! Well, more like looking, since it practically takes an act of congress for me to part with the little money I do have! But it was nice to be able to go and spend as long as I like looking at whatever I want, even trying on clothes in the dressing room without an impatient little girl sighing loundly while proclaiming her immense boredom. So what'd I try on, you ask? The dreaded swimming suits. Ug. I do have one, (I wore it to the lake with Em on Saturday) but I'm certainly not happy with it, as if there were such a thing as happy considering the state of my wrinkled up, deflated balloon looking skin. Double ug. Why oh why man ever invented this especially humiliating form fitting, skin bearing suit just for swimming in, is beyond me. But I tried to find something more tolerable just the same. Without luck of course, but hey, at least I tried!

Em has her best friend Sheree spending the night tonight (yet another thing she finally feels free to do now that we're out from under Bub's rule). The first time she had her over was about two weeks ago, and boy what an experience that was! It was the first time Em has ever had anyone spend the night, so to say they were a little excited and hyperactive is putting it mildly. Yes, I let them stay up waaaaay too late, but it was the first time and all, so I made allowances and finally wrangled them into bed about 12:30 at night. So how was my leniency repaid? With two little girls slipping gingerly into my room at about 2:30 in the morning (yes, a mere two hours later) with every intention of remaining up for the rest of the night. "We're not sleepy!" they proclaimed. Well too bad, cause I AM, now GO BACK TO BED! ;D Oy vey! I have to say, we all had a touch of the crankies the next day. So tonight, one of my conditions is that everyone gets a good night's sleep. Heh, we'll just have to see how that one goes, now won't we?! Wish me luck, I think I'm gonna need it!

Disney/CA plans are coming along nicely. Which can only be attributed to the fact that I'm not the one in charge of organizing things. ;D I also got the okay for a few extra days off work, so the church ladies will just have to make due for an entire week and a half. Oh my, I'm just cringing at the thought of what type of damage they can do in that short amount of time! But I'll take care of it, that's what I do. Anyway, I think that's about it for now, it's time to get to work on settling some very giggly girls down for the night, cause it's just about momma's bedtime!

DIS-NEY-LAND!

Yep, Disneyland. That's my big news. The hell you say? No really, it's true, Disneyland! But how is that even possible you ask? All due to the most amazingly fabulous woman I know; my mom. And no, I'm not just saying that because you happen to be reading this post you silly goose, it's true and I hope you really believe it. My wonderful mother (whom I made sure to check with before posting details) has offered to fly Em and I back home (home being CA, where I grew up) for a much needed and long overdue vacation, one that I simply couldn't pass up. Though how I tried, oh yes! As the thought of such a mammoth undertaking simply scares the bejeebers outta me! I know, I know, I'm neurotic, but this is a BIG freakin' deal! Seriously Jilly, I don't get how you can enjoy such extensive travel as you do, I would be an absolute basket case, I swear! Anyway, since my stepdad is a highly talented and vital puter nerd at PIXAR, and with the recent buyout by Disney, all PIXAR employees now get some pretty smokin' fringe benefits, like their own Disney Silver Passes, which basically gets the bearer and up to 3 guests into any of the parks for free. Yeah baby, now that's what I'm talkin' bout!! How freakin' cool is that? So not only do I get to go home and see family that I haven't seen in years (and who haven't seen me in person since I was 320+ lbs., I might add!) and go to the beach, (ahhhhh, the beeeeeaaaaaach!) but I get to take Em to the magical world of Disney, which is something that I'd likely never have the opportunity to do on my own. It's just too good to be true, and I honestly can't believe how lucky we really are. This is all set to happen in a mere two weeks, (YIKES that's soon! Breathe, just breathe) and we will be gone for an entire week. Perhaps even more if my boss thinks the church ladies can handle my absence for a few days longer, but I'm still waiting to hear back from him on that one. Anyway, the plans are to spend a couple of days at Disney, then fly back north to my childhood home for several more days of fun and visiting family. I think a tour of PIXAR's studios is definitely in the works, along with a day at the beach, another in San Francisco, and yet another taking my stepdad's boat out for a spin! All that and a whole lotta catching up with my fabulous grandma (you know the one, my favorite dirty joke connection), and my lovely Aunt Sandy who's been so publicly supportive throughout my recent, uh... adventures here in my blog. Plus my uncle (her husband) and all of my cousins who I grew up with and spent every holiday and family get together with until I foolishly and impulsively moved here to Arkansas as a teenager. But I'll not rehash that whole saga, as the past is just that and not worthy of revisiting. Plus, as you all know, it is my belief that everything in life happens for a reason, so my ignorant desire to travel the path of least resistance by moving here to AR (ahhh, that damn hindsight, always 20/20 ain't it?) only proved to show me my true purpose for walking this planet; to have and raise my beautifully precocious little diva, Miss Em. Anyway, Em is, of course, just beside herself with excitement, and chalk full of questions about our upcoming adventure. Will we stay in a hotel, and does said hotel have a pool? (Oh yeah baby, they have a pool alright! Check out the virtual tour here.) Do I get a window seat on the plane? What kind of rides do they have at Disney, am I big enough for them, are they scary? Do I have to hug the characters when they greet us? Are you gonna make me do or try something I don't want to? (holdover fears from life with Bub) Etc, etc... So I'm trying to reassure her and give her as much info as possible so she won't worry and stress unnecessarily, (gee, wonder where she gets that from?) so she can just look forward to this experience with all the restless impatience of any typical 8-year-old going on such a major vacation. I think it's working too, as the child simply could not drift off to sleep last night due to thinking about all the fun and excitement at hand. Good lord, how is she ever gonna make it for the next two weeks? I told her that sleep is an absolute requirement between now and then! After all, she can't show up at Disneyland sleep deprived and exhausted, now can she? Poor thing!

Now, to shift gears slightly for just a moment, as I must briefly expound on the sheer relief and excitement of being able to take this dream vacation without the tension and ominous presence of Bub around. I'm not sure if I can accurately relate just what this really means to me, but as I've stated before, trips/vacations/family outings/etc. were always an absolute nightmare with him. So much so that even the thought or mention of such automatically drew my stomach into knots and sent my heart a racing. He always wanted to plan things like camping trips, going to amusement parks, or just the typical Saturday out to a meal and the movies, since he's such a "family man" and all (even if it's in his own twisted way) so I had to give into it and appease him regularly as to avoid problems. Thus we've spent many an agonizing outing trying desperately to fit into the unrealistic mold of Bub's ideal family, and typically failing miserably. There was always this constant tension and worry of messing up and getting into trouble, cause believe me, he had no shame when it came to lecturing us in public. Not only that, but our money management styles are vastly different as well (heh, now that's an understatement!) so there was always an underlying financial tension along with everything else. But now that I've been afforded this once in a lifetime opportunity, the realization that I get to enjoy it free of tension, humiliation, and eggshells is simply amazing. No "compromises", sacrifices or coercion to do things his way just to keep him happy and not set him off unnecessarily. I will have complete control over how my spending money is used, and I'll still be able to pay my phone bill when all is said and done (which is more than I can say for him right now, as his has been disconnected). We'll be free to be ourselves and act and do as we want, rather than what is best for him and his current mood. Em will not be forced to do something she is uncomfortable with, like hugging Minnie (totally not her thing), nor will she be disallowed from enjoying all that Disney has to offer because of some minor infraction that once again proves to him her inadequacy or lack of judgment or respect somehow. We get to just go and be. Ahhhh, what could be better than that? :)

And y'know what else just occurred to me? I have to wonder how much of my neurotic inability to plan and implement any sort of travel or major event stems from having to do so with the "Bub factor" in play for all those years? Not that he's the root of my issues, by any means, as I am very much neurotic in my own right, but I seem to recall a time when major upcoming events weren't automatically met with dread and fear. I mean, I've always been overwhelmed easily, and tended to give up whenever things proved more difficult than expected, but now with this trip looming near, I just feel different somehow. Sure, I'm freaked out by the thought of all that needs to be done in preparation (like figuring out what to pack, making sure the bills are paid and that the cat will be cared for, etc.) but I'm not freaked out in a bad way as in years past. This is an exciting, adventure filled freak out, one that I'm actually looking forward to and am feeling up to the challenge of, rather than my typical trepidation, avoidance, and procrastination. So, whaddaya think, is it possible that this is just the tip of the iceburg, so to speak? Could I really be turning over a new leaf as I learn how to stop being such a freak-a-zoid about these things? Nahhhhh, I wouldn't go that far! I'll always be a neurotic mess when it comes to major events and decisions, but perhaps I can at least learn how to manage it better now. Hey, I'll take what I can, it's a start, right?! ;D

Wow, almost a whole week has gone by without a post. I guess I forgot to mention the fact that school let out for the Summer this week, so as you can imagine, I've had considerably less "me" time lately. Em is with Bub right now, so I'm grasping the opportunity to catch up while I can. Hmmmm, where shall I even begin? It's weird, it's like I don't even know what to focus on anymore. My high drama is over now (well, for the most part anyway!) and I'm finding it difficult to get back to writing about every day life, much as I was looking forward to doing just that. Okay, let's see if I can wiggle my way back into some sort of normalcy here.

I've discovered that finding a way to earn some extra income has become a must, as it appears that I've underestimated my cost of living a bit, so I've decided to go ahead with a little business idea of mine that I've been mulling over for some years now. I think I'll wait to reveal the details until a later date though, for several reasons. It's definitely not something that'll make me rich or even replace my current income, by any means, but I do hope it can help soften the rigidity of my meager budget and give me a little more room to breath. Jilly, you'll remember this idea from our fabulous time spent in Chicago, and of course Sandi knows too, as I've already had to request her expertise as a puter guru to help me get an issue I was having with my newly created logo ironed out (thank you again Sandi, you're a lifesaver!). Anyway, I'm sure I'll go into great detail at a later date, but for now I'm still just trying to get my shit together.

So, Em started gymnastics this week, and she absolutely loves it! Finally someone to teach her the correct technique for performing a cartwheel. How the hell do you teach that? I dunno how to freakin' teach her how to do a cartwheel, you just do it, that's all! But now she knows, so whew! And she's also starting summer art classes at the library on Monday. It's a free program, supplies included, so when I saw a sign promoting it, I signed her up right away, as I knew she would totally be into it. I can't believe they're doing it for free either! You just can't beat that, y'know? I'm trying to come up with plenty of (cheap) activities to occupy her time this summer so we don't end up clawing each other's eyes out by the middle of the break. Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it!

Well, my little girl has decided that it is now time for several big girl changes in her life. First and foremost, she requested a bra. A BRA! For what exactly, I ask? I dunno, cause there certainly ain't nuttin that needs supporting right now, but she wanted one just the same. Okay, okay, she's at that age (sniff) where these things are becoming important to her, (sniff, sniff) but that doesn't change the fact that she's still my baaaaaaaaaaby, whaaaaa! But I did my duty and took her to WalMart where she picked out her very first bra. Plain white, not even a little flower in the middle cause she's so self conscious of it showing through, oy vey! Heh, guess I shoulda warned her about just how uncomfortable breaking in a new bra can be, huh? By the end of that first day, she couldn't get it off fast enough! Poor baby, she has no idea what she's in for!

She also asked to get her ears pierced. Now this really is a big deal because this child has absolutely no tolerance for pain, and had previously sworn off ever having holes shot through her ears, along with belly button piercings, tattoos and most importantly, child birth (she's said she'll just adopt if she decides that she really wants kids!). So it really surprised me when she changed her mind on this one. Hey, do ya think maybe there's hope for natural born grandkids yet?! We'll see... ;D Anyway, we haven't gotten her ears pierced yet, but it is on the agenda for this summer. I thought I'd give her a little time in case she decides to chicken out on me!

Let's see, what else is there? I've been nursing one of those pain in the ass headaches that lasts for DAYS, so my exercise has been a bit lacking and my mood rather snappy, gee, wonder how much fun I am to be around, huh? But I'm trying not to let it bring me down and ruin both my and Em's days. In fact, tonight I plan to take her here for an evening of good cheap fun. They just set up a movie screen right in the middle of downtown and everyone brings their own lawn chairs and stuff to watch it. I've been wanting to go ever since I first heard of it, but it's the first time we've actually gone since I never would have suggested something like this with Bub around. OMG, he just had this way of sucking the fun and energy out of everything we did together! It's so nice to just be able to go and do what ever we want now, without worry of either of us messing up somehow. Sometimes I can't help but think of all the things that we purposefully missed out on for fear of having to do them with Bub around, ugh, it just kills me! But no more, now we get to thoroughly enjoy our relaxed, tension free outings, and just bask in the joy of finally being free!! Wow, no matter what other crap is going on, that feeling of freedom alone is worth every bit of uncertainty or hardship. One way or another, I will make this work, because my independence is simply no longer negotiable, and never will be again, ever.

I do have some other majorly exciting news/plans in the works, but I think I need to hold off on sharing that one as well, just to be sure that I can make it all work out and that it's okay for it to be announced. So you'll just have to sit tight for that one chickies, but I promise to spill the beans soon enough. Sorry to be so secretive, but as you all know by now, that's just me. Take it or leave it, annoying tendencies and all! ;D

Okay, I think that's it for now. There really is more, but I honestly HAVE to get some exercise done. Since it'll be time to pick Em up soon, and there's really never any telling what state of mind she'll be in after so much concentrated time with daddy, I've learned (from experience) that I need to get these priorities met whenever the opportunity happens to arise, so that's precisely what I'm gonna do. So, TTFN, and hopefully much more to come!